The 20 something and all alone

Well that was interesting...

2011-10-16T16:40:00.000-07:00

Plans for the weekend: Friday - Pub for a birthday party. Saturday - Work function at a pub. Sunday - Afternoon hockey game. Sounded to me like my weekend was going to be filled with drinking (You can't go to a hockey game and not have a beer!) I was really looking forward to this weekend.

Friday was good. I had a few drinks at my friend's before we went out to the pub. When we did get to the pub it was pretty dead but it was still early so I had high hopes it would pick up. After a few drinks I went outside to have a smoke and out walks J. J is a guy that I met about a year and a half ago. He's a giant. Well, 6'6 I would say. He's a total dork also. The first time I met him I fell in love. We made out that night but it never went any further. We ran into each other all the time at the pub. Always had a great time too. So as we were walking to the dance floor, I drunkenly said, "I have a crush you." He said, "Are you kidding? I've had a crush on you since the first time I saw you doing the running man on the dance floor! I wanna take you on a date." *SWOON* Seriously! We ended up parting ways shortly after we exchanged numbers as I was with a big group and his group was leaving to another place but we text the rest of the night. I got basically no sleep but felt surprisingly ok in the morning.

Saturday I went out with everyone from work. This isn't just my friends from work, this is a work function so there are a lot of people there. I started drinking at Poo's house before the party so I was a bit tipsy by the time I got there. I should have stopped drinking when I got there but I didn't. Big mistake. I got hammered at a work function and made sure everyone knew it. So when I go into work on Tuesday, that should be interesting. Oh well though. People have done worse. I didn't flash anyone, dance on anything, fight with anyone or throw up. So it could have been a lot worse.

When I woke up this morning after a whopping 3 hours of sleep (making my grand total over 2 nights, about 5 hours) I almost immediately threw up due to the hangover. I haven't felt this bad in a long time. I gotta say, hockey games really suck balls when you're that hungover.

I'm exhausted, a little embarrassed, confused, twitter-pattered and nauseous.

Random Things That Happened Over The Last 3 Weeks

2011-10-11T20:59:00.000-07:00

A list for you all...

- I bought a new car. Well I ordered a new car. I’m currently waiting for it to come in from the factory.

- My current car randomly started to die. Replaced a Fuel Sensor.

- Car wouldn’t start. Cranks but no start. Replaced battery.

- Got 3 blocks from work and heard a weird car noise. Flat tire.

- Flat tire can’t be repaired. Don’t wanna buy a new tire. I have snow tires at home though.

- Drove home on my teeny tiny spare going 50km/hr. Took me an hour and a half.

- Replaced tires with snow tires.

- Thought about how I could get away with stealing my neighbors new puppy.

- Considered stabbing my neighbor to inherit said puppy.

- Saw a car commercial. Disappointed I didn’t get the car from that commercial. Realized that commercial was for the car I ordered. Felt stupid.

- Lost my neighbors keys.

- Had to get a locksmith to open her door.

- Got a random crush on a guy at work that I never found attractive before.

- Started texting with guy at work.

- Constantly question if I actually like him or if I just want a relationship.

You know it's a good night when you wake up covered in mustard...

2011-08-29T19:43:00.000-07:00

Drunken adventure was the plan for the night. I would say it was a success. An expensive success but a success nonetheless. I gauge this by the fact that I woke up with mustard all over me and a sprained ankle. If that doesn't say good night, I don't know what does.

Night starts at my friend's house. I call her Poo so that is how I will refer to her here. Poo and I had a few martinis and a few shots. Played some Yahtzee, had some laughs. We got a ride down to club 1.

Club 1 was good. Had some drinks and a few shots. But because we were desperate for adventure, we moved on to Club 2. Club 2 had little promise of drunken adventure. There were literally 3 other people there. It did not stop us from having a drink and some shots though. And dancing. Pretty sure there was dancing there. This may or may not been where I sprained my ankle. There are steps leading up to the DJ booth and I'm pretty sure I fell down them. But I must not have been hurting too bad because the night had pretty much just started...although my memory is a little foggy with everything that followed after Club 2.

So next came Club 3...which I assume was followed by more drinks and more shots. Then Club 4 which had a long line up so we decided to get a hot dog. This is where the mustard comes in. Somehow I managed to get mustard all over Poo, and myself. But, we didn't let this ruin our already awesome night. Covered in mustard, we went back to Club 4 and waited in line. I don't think we were there long, and I'm pretty sure this is the point that I got loser drunk as Poo apparently ordered me a "double water."

Next stop home. I woke up insanely hungover and wondering what the fuck happened and how we got home. But we laughed at the mustard stains and my sore ankle. We joked about how we're gonna end up on The Dirty.com and be called Mustard Sluts or something ridiculous like that. And later on as I was riding along in the backseat of my parent's truck, on the way to a major hangover breakfast, I looked down and saw a little bit of mustard on my leg. I couldn't help but laugh. I laughed so hard I was crying.

A sprained ankle and mustard stains...it was a great drunken adventure with my best bud, Poo.

Why do I find such shitty ass friends?

2011-06-27T21:13:00.000-07:00

I've lost a number of friends in my life due to drama. I fucking hate drama. There's nothing I hate more than bullshit girl drama.

There's this guy that started at my work...wait, wait, maybe I should start with my new "friend". She lives in the building across from mine. Our patio's face each other so we spent last summer just waving at each other as we both lounged on our patios, drinking beer, reading our books. Eventually she invited me over for a beer, and well, we hit it off. She was a lot of fun to be around and had NO drama. I mean she had a little drama but never dwelled on it and it never seem to affect how she lived her day to day life.

One day I text her as I ran into the new guy at work. He was so damn cute and totally my style. I ended up chatting with him a bit, we had our first aid class together the following week and I was looking forward to hanging out with him. We hit it off almost immediately during our course and by the time I had gotten home that first night, he had added me to FB. Excited, I logged on and saw we had 3 mutual friends. Two were work friends (which made sense) and one was my friend from the other building. I text her as soon as I saw that. Something like, "woah! small world, you know the new guy at work?! weird!" After a long silence, I got a message back from her. "Stay the fuck away from him. He is mine. I will not say it again, stay the fuck away from him." Ummmm, excuse me?!

First of all, I am respectful of my friends and expect the same sort of respect back. What she said to me was beyond a level of disrespect that I will stand for. I called her out on it. I could care less about the guy, I mean had she said to me "Amanda, I have a history with him and it would hurt me if you pursued it." I would have been fine. But no one has a right to say what she said to me. I do not put up with bullshit drama.I called her out on it and she chose not to respond. I mean the guy isn't worth talking about anymore but I am still a little bent out of shape about the whole thing. We spent a good two months awkwardly avoiding each other in the parking lot and around the neighborhood and one day she finally called me and asked to talk. Really she just wanted some books that I had back and that was fine. She never said one word about what she said to me or how she reacted to the whole situation. But I thought, to make my life here a little less awkward and annoying, I'll just smile and be nice. So she starts calling and texting again and I start smiling nicely and not avoiding her so much anymore.

Regardless of how I pretend to be her friend, she is still a shitty person in my books. I want to clarify that it has nothing to do with the guy. I get people have history and I get that it would be hard for a friend to go out with someone you used to have a history with - I respect that. It has everything to do with what she said and the fact that she refuses, to this day, to apologize for being a bitch.

The truth is, I still avoid her and she's catching on. She whines when I go out with my other friends. She whines when I don't text her back right away, she has become the epitome of the kind of friend I hate. She is clingy and annoying. I wish I could just cut ties but it was so awkward whenever I would run into her. I seriously hope she moves soon.

I think I'm a good friend. I take care of my friends. My friends mean everything to me and I will do whatever I have to do to be there for them but I won't for her. It is a superficial relationship and that is it.

My Crazy Crazy Aunt

2011-05-23T14:50:00.000-07:00

My Aunt (Mom's Sister) was just in town. She is fucking coocoobanana's. I can't stress enough how much I love her and how much she makes me laugh but seriously crazy. A few quotes from her stay:

"I got lost in the shower! Just about had a damn heartattack." WHAT? You got lost in the shower? I have been trying to type out her explanation of getting lost in the shower but it makes no sense, so lets just leave it at her getting "lost" in the shower and how incredibly odd that is.

Walking into my bedroom, she sees my bed and says "YOU COULD HAVE A THREESOME IN THAT BED!" My bed is nothing special or gigantic by any means so I have no idea what possessed her to comment on the potential for a threesome.

Sitting in my parent's living room with Mom, Stepdad, and Auntie, my aunt asks me "will you go to the toy store with me?" "Sure, Auntie. Are you picking up something for C? (her grandson)" Her response made my stepdad throw down his news paper and walk out. It made my mom choke on her coffee and blush 5 shades of red. It made me laugh until I couldn't breathe. What did she say? "No, not a real toy store. An adult toy store. I feel like my vagina is closing up its been so long since something has been in there. Its just been way too long since I've had an orgasm." I also feel the need to mention that I didn't take my aunt shopping for a new vibe.

I wish I had spent more time with her to catch the other random remarks she said during her visit.

I'm back, bitches!

2011-05-22T14:06:00.000-07:00

Ok so I attempted at writing a tamer blog so that it could be less anonymous and that was, well boring. So I'm back to this blog despite my 2 year hiatus.

So to start this triumphant return to blogging, I will begin to do a very very short update on the last 2 years. Somehow I managed to make it through the many rounds of mass layoffs at work and now that things have started to turn around for the company, I managed to score a kick ass promotion and all of a sudden love my job. Who the fuck loves to get up at 5am to go to work? I do, apparently. You should probably just kill me now because I'm turning into one of those people that I hate. One of those people that only has their job to talk about. One of those "live to work" not "work to live" people. But it is, what it is and I love it.

I bought my first place! I've been in now for a year and a half and I fucking love it. The first thing I did? Paint my bathroom hot pink. Why? BECAUSE IT'S MINE AND I CAN DO WHAT I WANT!

I haven't had a mental breakdown in 2 years. No more crazy emotional Amanda anymore. That's right, this tiny little pill I take every day makes me "normal." Ok, I'll never be normal (I'm weird as fuck, man!) but it makes able to live day to day without anxiety attacks and I sleep properly. The only thing is those pills totally made me fat. I had worked so hard to lose weight and be healthy and then all of a sudden I start taking this pill and I'm shoving whatever is edible and within arms reach in my mouth. My stomach screams for food all day long. And I obey it a lot of the time. So I'm back at 158lbs. I'd like to sit here and tell you that I'm doing my best to control this situation, but I'm really not (in fact I'm typing this as I eat greasy fast food breakfast sandwich). I do work out but eating has just been fucked. Oh well.

Sex has been non-existent for the last 7 months. OH MY GOD 7 MONTHS?! Wow. I really need to get plowed something terrible. And hopefully it will be soon, and of course I will relay all the dirty details.

Ok, so that's it. I'm back. I hope you all are still down to read my random day-to-day ramblings.

Retiring

2009-12-13T11:23:00.001-08:00

Hey guys...just thought I'd let you know I'm retiring this blog. A new blog is being done and it's a little tamer and more appropriate for my friends.

http://withpeniamarmedheretoreact.blogspot.com/

I'd love it if you all would check it out. It's not as risque but I really want to stop focusing on sex (obv sex will be a part of it, but not a HUGE part).

Hope to see you there!

FWB Finally! Or maybe not!

2009-09-04T20:30:00.000-07:00

How many blog posts will I write but never post? Apparently 14. I have written 14 posts that never were posted. They were filled with boring shit for the most part. Definitely nothing really worth posting. But I'll try to catch up since the last time I wrote (and posted).

I went out on a few dates. One of the guys I really wanted to like...he was cute, nice, and totally loaded. I'm talking a ridiculous amount of money...enough that he doesn't have to work but chooses to because he simply doesn't want to sit at home all day and do nothing. I realize that wanting to like him because he's loaded isn't really the "right" thing to do but I'm going to be honest and say that my attraction to him grew after I found out about the money situation. That being said, we had sort of a group hang out date thing that was a total crash and burn kind of thing. Alright, I'm totally exaggerating...it definitely didn't crash and burn. I didn't do something stupid and embarassing and he wasn't some woman beating asshole or anything but there was quite obviously not ever going to be a spark between us. So friends it is. Man, it woulda been nice to be spoiled rotten though. I can picture it now...me rolling in mounds of diamonds while my personal chef cooks me up something fabulous and I take sips from my beer fountain. A girl can dream, right?

On to boy numero deux...I use the term boy for a reason. He's a year younger than me which really wouldn't bother me...but he's incredibly immature. Here's the issue...I can handle immaturity but his lifestyle and past lifestyle isn't exactly something I can deal with. He didn't have a stable home growing up - blah blah blah - drugs - blah blah blah - foster homes - blah blah blah but he's good as far as drugs go now. He definitely makes up for his anti-drugs with mass amounts of drinking. I'm cool with drinking. I am not cool with obnoxious, drunken shenanigans. Drunken shenanigans - good...obnoxious, rowdy, and sometimes offensive drunken shenanigans - bad. That bad kinda shenanigans is what goes on when he gets good and drunk. Not my thing. This being said, it's not like I dislike him. I have a ton of fun with him when we soberly go out and do things. Like he tried to teach me how to skateboard the one day and it was rad...I could see myself being good friends with him (for when I needed some random cheer me up time or something) but definitely not girlfriend/boyfriend. Ok so what, right? Welllllll...before we even really hung out there was a lot of sexual discussion which kind of led me to believe he was more interested in a FWB sort of thing (which is what I've been looking for all along!) so when we did hang out...I was immediately cool with taking my pants off (after a few drinks, at least.) The sex was pretty amazing. He definitely knows how to work me. He's also fabulous to sleep with. I think finding a good sleeping parnter is hard. There's the guys like my ex who kick and snore. DB who would like scream in his sleep. Hands who smothered the hell outta me. And then there's Boy 2 who mixes a small but nice amount of snuggling time with rolling over and sleeping time. I woke up the next day thinking that perhaps I had finally found a FWB. My hopes had gotten even higher after he had text me a few dirty msgs the next day. We then met up and fucked for hours. Weird though...that guy doesn't like blowjobs. Not at all...and he's not super fond of handjobs either. I'm like "are you just saying that so we can just get down to the fucking?" His response was that he really just didn't find it that enjoyable and that it has nothing to do with hurrying up and getting to the sex. Which he proved to me by spending a good 45 minutes simply pleasuring me. So I thought, as a FWB thing - I could definitely handle this and not let it weird me out too much. And so I left shortly after that, feeling pretty fabulous and excited that I may have finally found what I was lookin' for. I'm a moron though. Apparently he's looking to settle down and meet a nice girl that will be fully commited to him. I tried to explain to him that I wasn't going to be that person but that I'm still down for a good FWB type of relationship. He agreed...SWEET! Except that I'm not sure he realizes that this means no commitment has been made. He got all defensive when I told him I was staying the night in the city with one of my friends and texts me about 10 or 15 times a day...he calls me just to say "hi". So I think I'm gonna have to cut him loose. I just don't think it's gonna work...fuck. I really want to be selfish and just not care that I could be hurting his feelings but I've sort of been in his position before and I'd hate to see someone feet the way I felt.

And on a completely non-male front...I'm meeting with with a realtor tomorrow to discuss my options as far as buying a condo goes. It's exciting and terrifying all at the same time. I'm kind of nervous about the whole thing but I think it'll be good for me. I mean instead of throwing all my money away in rent, I figure at least this way it's an investment. Sure, I'll definitely have to cut some things out and tighten the purse strings a bit but I think it's fully do-able. I'm not in any rush so I'm going to be picky about what I want and not settle on something just for the sake of buying something.

So that's that...my last few weeks in a nutshell

Is there a sign that says "if you're emotionally unavailable, I want you?" hanging off my neck?

2009-08-13T21:23:00.000-07:00

What is with my falling for emotionally unavailable guys?

So I start hanging out with that guy and we have that fabulous date night and I haven't heard from him since really. WTF?

I can't fucking deal with assholes like this anymore. I just want someone to tell me if they're not interested instead of just disappearing, cuz I can't handle the fucking disappearing act. Jesus fucking christ.

I'm sorry about your 3 hour long hard on...but I'm not doing anything about it

2009-08-09T13:01:00.000-07:00

Huzzah! I'm alive. Sorry for the mini-blog-vacay but I needed a break. I know that sounds strange, but blogging about my life can sometimes be emotionally taxing. Anywho I'm back...with something to blog about for once.

Let's see...where to start. A while back (beginning of July I think) I took a week off work. During this week, I went up to my parent's summer condo with one of my best friends for the weekend. Oh the drunken tomfoolery that ensued. First of all, I went up there with a sprained ankle because of earlier
drunken tomfoolery. The weekend was great despite my sprained ankle...I did however have to wrap and ice it occasionally. We met up with some guys that were up there. They were younger but still cool. I got kinda flirty with one of them...he became my foot stool (ya know, had to keep that ankle elevated.) The boys decided to have a bonfire so on the way down the large set of cement steps to the fire pit I managed to miss a step and fall...re-spraining my already sprained ankle. This sucked! Except that it gave me an excuse to continue to use my new man-friend as a foot stool and that was nice. Eventually my ice pack got warm and my new man-friend suggested we go back to his condo to get me some ice. He piggy backed me all the way up the death stairs and back to his condo for ice. He asked "this deserves a hug ya?" Drunk Amanda replied, "Yaaaa, for sure!" So we hugged it out, and then all of a sudden we were making out. And then all of a sudden he was carrying me into the bedroom. The sex itself wasn't the greatest as far as orgasm potential but we had so much fun. Oh I totally love a good random sex night.

So that was that...as of late though, I've sort of met someone that has major boyfriend potential. We met on POF...sort of. He found me on POF and msged me, "you look familiar, how do I know you?" Turns out we have a ton of mutual friends. Anyways, we started talking on msn, he seemed really cool. We met up one night at a park to smoke a joint and I couldn't help but think about how friggin' cute he was. We talked some more and made "date" plans for a few nights later. Date night was a huge shock to me! He's a total metal head so I was really surprised to find that he's an absolute fucking gentleman. Opening car doors for me and such. Oh I was swooning, believe me. I was a little disappointed because all I got was a hug that night. Not a cuddle or a hand hold even. I really hate being a girl sometimes because my first thought when I got home was that he wasn't really interested because of the fact that he didn't try to put the moves on me but then we started talking on msn and we made a plan to go to the drive-in on the friday.

The drive-in was fucking amazing. I can't believe I've lived about 15 minutes away from it for so long and never gone! It's so neat...I can smoke and watch the movie all at the same time! We went to the 1:45am showing because he had gone to a football game earlier in the day and didn't think he'd get back into town until later. So at the movies, my mind was racing with thoughts about where I put my hand so he can try and hold it without looking really obvious and stuff. It was really really stupid. I hate dating, I hate having to think about stupid shit like that. Anyways though, I was sitting there getting really frustrated with myself because I just couldn't keep my mind on the movie and then all of a sudden he puts his arm around me and scooches over to cuddle up with me. We spent the entire movie just cuddling and laughing at the movie. He is a fantastic cuddler; he didn't just put his arm around me, he had his arm around me was rubbing my arm with his hand, and would rub my hand with free hand or push my hair out of my face. *swoon*

So we get back to my place at about 3:30ish in the morning and he asks if I want to smoke a joint, so we go up and have a beer, smoke a joint. We continue to cuddle up on the couch and throw in a movie. I got up for some reason, don't remember why and when I sat back down he kissed me. Have you ever looked at someone and thought to yourself "I bet they'd be a bad kisser and probably really bad in bed"? Well that was actually my first thought with him. Boy was I fucking wrong. He is, officially, the most amazing kisser. He uses just the tiny bit of tongue and does that sexy manly thing where they put their hand on the side of your face. So we start making out and he's blowing my fucking mind with his ability to kiss and I automatically want to strip down and fuck him. But I don't want to screw this up so in my head, I promised myself that as soon as he goes for my pants, I'm going to stop it and suggest it's getting late and that he go home. He never fucking went for my pants. We made out on my couch for like 3 hours. Finally, I was getting exhausted and I think he was too and he asked what time it was (oh about 6:45 in the morning) and he made a comment about how we're both going to be exhausted the next day. I told him he was welcome to crash with me but that I wasn't going to fuck him. He looked at my right in the eyes and said "I wasn't going to try, that's cool" so we went to bed and proceeded to make out and cuddle and sleep a tiny bit. I almost broke my promise to myself because when we really started making out I could tell he was going to be kinda rough in bed, which is a huge turn on. He'd bite my bottom lip occasionally and he'd put his hand through my hair and then slightly tug my hair to turn my head slightly. Oh man just thinking about it makes my girly parts tingle a little. I managed to stay strong though. Literally all that happened was that we made out, I felt bad that he spent almost the entire night with a huge fucking hard on and that he'd have no relief from me but he didn't seem bothered by it in the slightest.

So now I'm sitting here giddy, euphoric and swooning hard. Must stay strong. I've really wanted to have meaningful, intimate sex lately (probably from my last year and a half of slutting it up with randoms) so I'm going to wait with him. We'll see how long that lasts.

Here I am!

2009-07-01T13:12:00.000-07:00

I'm back new and improved! Sort of. I have a pretty severely sprained ankle due to some awesome drunken shenanigans. God I love drunken shenanigans and the injuries that result from them.

So far the anti-anxiety/anti-depressants have been really helpful. I feel like I've gotten a bit better. I think the mood stabilizers have actually stabilized me a tad. Of course it's an accumulative drug so in another few weeks I'll be feeling the full effects.

I've been much more social than usual and much more spontaneous which is surprisingly awesome. I've always been the girl that writes lists and organizes all my time in a schedule so spontaneously getting my nose pierced was way out of the norm for me.

I'm also planning a trip to Europe next summer and even though it's a long ways a way, I'm beyond stoked about it!!

Day 2

2009-06-12T22:18:00.000-07:00

So today is day 2 on my anti-depressants/anti-anxiety. Day 1 was fucking rough. At about 7:30 am I took the first pill...20 minutes later I was fighting the urge to vomit. After I ate some crackers, I felt a lot better. And then about 5 minutes after that I started to feel really fidgety. The fidgety turned into jittery pretty quickly. Through out the day it got progressively worse. I couldn't stop shaking. I couldn't concentrate on my computer for very long and I was so so antsy. About 3 anxiety attacks later, I called the pharmacist. "Oh the jittery feeling is a pretty common side effect. It should go away within a few days; if it doesn't go away, make an appointment with your doctor." I asked what else I can do because I can't handle a few days of this. She told me I can take half a pill for a few days so the uppers aren't such a huge shock on my body. So that was my plan for today...

But I wasn't sure if I could do it. I expected the jittery thing to be gone by bed time but it wasn't. I tossed and turned (and cried from frustration!) all night long. I decided I couldn't take my next pill because I couldn't handle this particular side effect. But I decided to give the half pill a shot because it couldn't have been worse than day 1.

It wasn't. The jittering was still there but not in a way I couldn't handle it. I also noticed some other side effects...yawning. I've been yawning all day and apparently that is a side effect. It's kind of weird. It's totally bearable but also a lot more uncomfortable than you'd imagine. I also keep clenching my teeth. So many fucking side effects.

So I don't know how I'll deal with it once I start taking whole pills again...we'll see

Tattoo!

2009-06-07T11:55:00.000-07:00

It's all done, here's a few pics for you guys.

Here's a shot of the top side of my arm...the lady and a little bit of the lion

Here is the lion and the dragonfly

The underside of my arm

The flowers along the elbow (ouch!)

And the bottom part of my arm (another shot of the dragonfly and part of the lion)

There is no way in HELL I'm as crazy as you are, dude

2009-06-05T18:00:00.000-07:00

So I had my appointment with Mental Health. I'm sitting in the waiting room and I can't help but notice everyone else in there. I glance to my left and there's a youngish guy sitting and filling out forms. He looked like a pretty normal dude, so probably going through the same kind of anxiety/depression I am...perhaps even depressed because he could be out of work due to the economy (of course he could have been some schizophrenic psychopath and I'd never know it.) Next is a girl that had a tiny little baby girl with her...perhaps some sort of post-partum depression. I noticed the guy to my right and he was pretty creepy looking and was picking at his arm scabs *shudder* Bored with people watching, I continued to fill out my forms.

As I was sitting there filling out my form, I heard the creepy guy constantly clearing his throat. After 5 minutes of listening to this guy clear his throat I couldn't help but look up. I glanced his way and he was like staring at me in the most creepy way. As soon as I looked at him he went "so...how's it going?" I gave him a bit of an odd look and said "fine, I guess." I looked back down and continued filling out my form. I think I shuddered a little with disgust. The guy just looked creepy. As I was filling out the part of the form that was about how you were referred, I couldn't help but giggled when I read "Court-ordered referral"...that creepy guy was so here because of a court order. Psycho!

I finished my forms and I was just waiting to be taken in and then I hear the guy start to clear his throat again. I can't help but glance up at this guy. I look at him and he was looking at me again and he said, "so what are you here for?" Excuse me? What the fuck! That is so beyond inappropriate; we're at mental health! I couldn't help but say "uhhh none of your business, dude." I said it as polite as possible, apparently I should have been far bitchier because the next thing that came out of his mouth was "I can't imagine this will take that long, what are you doing..." And then, thank fucking god, the lady came out and got me. As I walked away I was sure to give him the dirtiest look I could summon up. I could only assume he was going to ask me what I was doing afterward...not going anywhere near you, douchebag!

First off all, Mental Health is not the place to pick up chicks. Had we been in a coffee shop or something, I would have politely turned him down and pretended to be flattered. But we weren't in a coffee shop, we were at Mental Fucking Health! This kind of brings me to my next point, had we been in a coffee shop and he hit on me he still would have been far too creeptastic looking to even consider. I'm a firm believer that if you look creepy chances are you are creepy. I just couldn't believe it.

And for an update on the mental health front...my psychologist suggested I do a mixture of medication, counseling, and group therapy (group? WTF?) I'm going to be open minded about medication because obviously what I was doing before wasn't working. It's going to take me a little while to get used to the idea of group though. It just weirds me out.

I have to pee...

2009-06-05T16:38:00.001-07:00

that is all.

Fucking Finally!

2009-06-02T21:46:00.001-07:00

After a very long waitlist, I've finally got an appointment with Mental Health (Thursday.) I'm sort of conflicted about how I feel about it. Part of me thinks that I just need to suck it up and deal with it. That it's not as bad as I make it out to be and that its my own fault because I've been digging myself in a hole of loneliness because I'm isolating myself. The other part of me thinks that my isolating myself is just a symptom of my depression/anxiety. That I need to consider the fact that perhaps my anxiety and depression is something beyond "normal" and that just because I have the occasional good day it doesn't mean that I'm not deserving or justified in seeking help.

I'll keep you all updated.

Cross your fingers that my counselor isn't sexy, I don't want him to see me cry if he is!

P.S. Currently looking for a new job because I hate my job with such a passion and I don't think that it's aiding in the depression/anxiety.

Tis my day of birth

2009-06-01T14:47:00.000-07:00

Happy birthday to me! So far, it's been pretty lame. I mean not lame, just a usual Monday. I did take today off work and was surprised by one of my very best friends making me cupcakes (which I've eaten 4 of already!)

I miss birthday parties. Not go out to the pub or a club and getting drunk parties, I mean old school parties. With goody bags, and What Time Is It Mr. Wolf, and birthday cakes shaped like bunnies that Mom's make. I miss being a kid!

Surgery

2009-05-31T19:29:00.000-07:00

My dad is home from the hospital. His surgery went well. He is experiencing the more minor side effects that were possible and seeing as it could have been a lot worse, these minor side effects aren't so bad. I brought him some groceries and some dinner. I rented him a few movies and offered to come with him to his post-surgery appointment. He seems well enough to take care of himself. That is a load off of my mind, as horrible as that sounds. I thought long and hard about how much I could deal with as far as taking care of him went, and honestly I thought that I really couldn't deal with much. His condition, at the moment, makes me think that he won't need me as much as I prepared for.

...

2009-05-29T22:24:00.000-07:00

I wonder if you know how much my heart hurts. All because you made me be vulnerable when I promised myself I never would be again and I regret that.

...Mentor my ass

2009-05-27T18:06:00.000-07:00

So a little while ago I thought it would be a good idea to volunteer at our youth resource center as a youth mentor. I was excited about it. A lot of the time these youth are emancipated from their parents and lack a lot of basic skills like cooking. I would get to teach them things like cooking and budgeting as well as being a friend to them. The thing is, now that the youth worker has interviewed me and done a background check I'm starting to get nervous. Ha! What kind of mentor would I be...one of those "do as I say not as I do" mentors?

Amanda's possible mentoring quotes:

"Listen, I know you'll want to get drunk and sleep with him but don't do it...and you will do it even though I told you not to so make sure you use a condom. And if you don't use a condom make sure you go to planned parenthood and get the morning after pill. And when you're lying there sick as a dog from the morning after pill don't call me because I can't handle sick people and I especially can't handle vomit"

"Sure I'll buy you smokes"

"Once you start drinking, hand a good friend your cell phone to keep safe. Nothing worse than waking up and having a text msg from a boy you like that says "did you mean dink or drunk?" And then going through sent text msgs and realizing you texted him "why were you being such a dunk tonight?" Stupid T9

"Just because the Katy Perry song is playing doesn't mean you have to kiss girls"

"Rye stays down better than vodka. If it doesn't stay down, rye doesn't hurt as much coming up either. Win-win."

"It doesn't matter how hot the guy is, don't try to impress him by attempting to out drink him. It'll be messy"

"Wash your sheets before you go out for a night of drinking, you never know who'll be sleeping on them later."

This is gonna be interesting. I'm potentially the worst role model ever.

Weird!

2009-05-24T15:54:00.000-07:00

I just had to paint a fake toenail on my baby toe. My baby toenail just fucking fell off this morning. How weird is that? It didn't hurt or anything, like it didn't pull off; it literally just fell off. I felt weird walking around in my flip flops with purple painted toenails and one unpainted nailless toe so I just painted where my toenail used to be.

Odd thing is, this isn't even close to the first time it's happened...happens all the time. Weirder is that I was talking to a friend last night about how it happens all the time and then this morning it just fell off.

A Whole New Low

2009-05-20T21:27:00.000-07:00

We might be writing DB off as a friend. I'm not going to get into all the details, it's more or less just standing up for my girls but the intensity of disgust I feel towards him right now is pretty high.

I will say that Girl Version and I have turned into pretty good friends. She's got a kind heart and obviously would stand up for any and all of her friends. After they broke though, DB and I hung out more often. Nothing inappropriate happened, just friends. Occasionally I was reminded why I disliked him some of the time, but for the most part he was a decent friend. He came over on Sunday for a bbq...he told me about this girl he's smitten over. I've never heard him used the word smitten before and he seemed generally excited about her so I was excited for him. Until of course he drops the bomb..."yah Girl Version actually introduced us." I'm sorry, what did you say? You're going to put the moves on your ex girlfriend's friend? I said "is that really cool? I mean, you guys broke up not too long ago and we both know that it wasn't her idea." He gave me a dirty look and then shrugged.

I said, "DB, this is so against the rules, c'mon now." "Girl Version isn't like that. She won't care. And besides this girl has a boyfriend anyways," he responds. I love how he justifies everything for the sake of getting laid. I laughed, I know him so well, "like her having a boyfriend would stop you." He replies, "haha you're right. It wouldn't stop me. The boyfriend factor should only stop her, and seriously, who can resist me." Oh the arrogance (but it's true, he's nearly impossible to resist!)

I tell him again that I think what he's doing isn't right, not without talking to Girl Version first. I thought I had gotten through to him. Later on in the evening I see a bit of an angry FB status from Girl Version. I text her and ask if she's okay. She said, "I'm alright but DB and my friendship will never be alright ever again." An hour later, I had heard every disgusting, douchebag, sneaky, manipulative thing he'd pulled in their relationship, and going after her best friend is nothing compared to the other things. I literally was shaking with anger and disgust. I felt disgusted that I had even spent time with him earlier. I really don't want to go into all the details because despite that this is an anonymous blog, what she told me was incredibly personal and I don't feel like it's something that needs to be aired to whomever reads the blog. Trust me when I tell you that it's despicable.

I'm pretty worried about running into him because he will most definitely get an earful from me. I don't think I could hold back. I always knew that he used women for sex, but I never knew to what extent and how manipulative he could be. Obviously the boy has issues, and one of these days those issues are going to catch up to him. The most ridiculous thing is, Girl Version said towards the end of our conversation. "I just needed a little more time. If they gave me a little more time and talked to me about it, I would have set them up!" Smh

Tough Times

2009-05-18T19:02:00.000-07:00

I just found out that my dad has to have surgery. He tried to downplay it but it sounds serious. He has a tumor, I guess in his gland. It's like right under his ear, along his jawline. It's big...you can definitely see it. He was pretty sure that it's not cancerous, at least that's what he told me. He said the biggest concern is that there is a major nerve that goes right through the tumor so after it's been removed there is an incredibly good chance of face paralysis (and not to mention a fucking huge chunk of his face missing.) In good old fashion dad-style, he joked about it. We talked about how we'd make up stories about how he rescued babies and puppies from a burning building and that's how he got the scar. We joked about it all afternoon. It's our way of dealing with things, just make it funny.

This brings up a lot of crazy thoughts for me. In general, I've always thought my dad was a major douchebag. We can definitely have fun but a lot of the time, I see him and end up feeling totally inadequate. Now I sort of feel weird about him. I should have put more effort in. What if he has to go through this and not have anyone to help him through it? I feel like shit because there's a big part of me that just can not imagine seeing my dad on a regular basis regardless of the situation; I'm not sure if I could emotionally handle it but I have to be here for him. I just don't know how.

70's Porn Bush!

2009-05-16T16:50:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I got out of the shower all nice and squeaky clean. Did a quick dry off (I'm lazy when it comes to drying off. Normally I'm putting on my pants still soaking wet and all the fabric clings and it's weird) and proceeded to put on some fresh pajama pants. Later on as I was sitting on the couch, I noticed that my entire crotch area was basically soaking wet. My first thought, oddly enough, was "did I piss myself?" I mean how else could the crotch of my pants have gotten soaked? This thought was short lived as I quickly realize that one doesn't usually urinate in their pants without noticing. So then the more logical reason came to mind...it's probably due to the fact that I didn't dry off well and I haven't shaved my bush since...the last time I was with G. I'm goin' au naturel right at the moment. So the mass of pubic hair that had absorbed all of my shower water was the cause of my wet crotch. After solving that mystery, I started thinking...

Why the fuck do girls shave their pubic hair into patterns?! Seriously, why? Do they think it's cute? It's not cute, it's creepy. Am I opposed to shaving my cooch? Not if I'm getting action. If I'm getting action, a shaved bush or mostly shaved bush (I don't think the classic landing strip counts as a shape) is polite. Do girls actually shave their pubes into shapes, like lightning bolts? Or is this just something that people talk about but no one actually does (because it's stupid?)

So right now I'm sporting the 70's porn bush. It's fucking empowering (and a little itchy)! I revel at the jungle of pubes peaking out from the sides of my underwear. It's a nice relief from the razor burn and ingrown hairs. I like my bush! Yes, even the hair that grows in my ass crack. You all just got wide eyed and disturbed, didn't you?! Did she actually just say "hair that grows in my ass crack?!"...Yes, yes I did. And ya know what?! Don't even try to deny it; I have proof. A friend of mine once talked to her friend who is a waxer and according to her waxer every girl has hair in their ass crack. Right up to the butthole and sometimes a little further. So there! Add that to the list of things I need to teach my future daughter. 1. Girls poop and fart and shouldn't be embarrassed by it (at least not around their friends.) 2. Masturbation is normal. When girls say that they don't masturbate, they're lying (unless you're Sis who didn't even try to masturbate until she was in her 20's...poor girl.) 3. You will eventually get hair in your butt crack, just know that all girls have this.

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

2009-05-12T19:25:00.000-07:00

I am:

A computer nerd. I love World of Warcraft. I can play for hours but I don't because I can not afford the $20/month it costs to be on it. I also love The Sims (and am anxiously awaiting the release of The Sims 3.) Sometimes if I play for too long, I start to think in The Sims. For those that play, there are bars at the bottom the show how hungry, tired, happy etc they are. After I've played, and say for example I get up to go to the bathroom, I imagine my "bathroom bar" going back to green. Jeez.

I'm socially awkward. It's why I drink. I don't make friends easily because I have a hard time talking to people.

I keep a budget. I follow a budget. I adjust my budget constantly. I'm obsessed with budgeting. Being in debt scares the shit out of me. I'm having a very difficult time being slightly in debt because of school, even though school is an alright reason to be in debt.

I am severely addicted to reading. I read all sorts of books. My ideal night would involve a nice cup of earl gray tea, a cozy blanket, some good tunes, and a book. I think books are the only thing that keeps me sane. It's like an escape. Even though this is an unfair comparison, I think of it like how a drug addict uses drugs to escape from real life. I escape through books.

I am incredibly unlady like. I burp, fart, and talk about pooping and I'm not ashamed of any of it. I know when it's not the right time to let a loud belch (and trust me, I could win any burping contest, they are loud) and I'm not rude. But sitting with my friends or while at work (I work with all men) I have no problem letting one out. I don't get embarrassed by my farting. And you know how girls quite often feel the need to announce when they have to pee? I will tell you when I have to poo.

I make inappropriate and offensive jokes. I get it from my dad. My favorite joke as a child was "What's more disgusting than 10 dead puppies in a barrel? 1 dead puppy in 10 barrels." They've only gotten more morbid and disturbing as I've grown up. I'm actually a little ashamed of what comes out of my mouth sometimes.

I once said "Fuck the Pope" in front of my Catholic (albeit mostly non-practicing) grandparents. How fucked up is that? I don't really remember the context of it. It must have been something about "the Pope would never approve of that." And "Fuck the Pope" was my response to that comment. It was an accident, I swear.

I've always wanted to be in a fight. I seriously want to punch some girl out. No girl in particular (although right now I can think of at least one girl I'd like to knock out) but I just want to take my aggression out on some snotty mouthed cunt one time, instead of just getting annoyed and walking away.

Since the word has already been said, I might as well add this to the list. I don't find "cunt" to be an offensive word and I usually use it quite regularly.

I can drive manual transmission. I don't ever intend to have an automatic vehicle. I will always drive a standard. Truth be told, it kind of turns me on. I don't know why, there is just something hot about shifting gears. Weird, right?

I'm almost resentful about the people I care about being happy and in love. It's really hard to see everyone I care about being happy with their significant other while I'm all alone. That makes me feel like a bad person.

Untitled.

2009-05-09T18:25:00.000-07:00

I walked into the coffee shop early this morning to get my caffeine fix. I walked in and got my tea. I was just about to walk out the door when I ran right into G. I should have known that I couldn't avoid him for the rest of my life (as previously planned) and I should have known that going into this place at 7am would be the one and only time I'd run into him here. He stood there looking sexy as hell (as per usual) and had that slightly serious and quizzical expression on his face. I think I blushed immediately when I saw him. He smiled his quirky half-smile at me and asked how I was. I stammered slightly but managed to get out an "alright, you?" He invited me to sit and have coffee with him. My brain thought "NO! DON'T DO IT!" but my heart had other plans.

Coffee went well. Small talk on what we've been up to these past few months. I asked how his band was, he asked how my finals went. We ended up spending a few hours just talking about everything. He looked at me the way he used to. My heart raced.

Before I knew it, we were back at my house to watch a movie. The movie ended too soon and we were standing in my foyer. He brushed my hair away from my face and pulled me into him for a hug. I automatically felt comfortable. We looked into each others eyes and I knew what was about to happen. He leaned forward towards me and then...

I fucking woke up. There's nothing worse than waking up from an amazing dream realizing it was only (and will only ever be) a dream. Feeling heartbroken and kinda of lame right now.

Yup, it's still me!

2009-05-08T23:54:00.000-07:00

So I was playing around with different templates (because that's all I have to do on a Friday night...lame) and obviously I've taken the blog style to something a little more rad and awesome then the boring basic pink.

I added a poll, vote if you like it or not! If there is an overwhelming majority of people that don't like it, I'll change it to something else.

Wasn't expecting this...

2009-05-04T18:28:00.000-07:00

I was feeling really kinda lonely the other night and although I'm a little against the whole internet dating thing, I hopped on the Plentyoffish bandwagon for a few moments just to check it out.

So I checked out a few profiles. Number 1, totally my style. Tall (so he claims), dark, scruffy, handsome, tattoos. Good music taste, into outdoorsy things. And yet, somehow not enough. Number 2, a little shorter than I normally like but still acceptable. Music was a little off my taste but nothing I can't handle. Really into tattoos and really into that sexy manly stuff like cars and camping. But apparently not worth my time. This goes on for a few more profiles. Perfectly acceptable, date-worthy boys that I didn't seem interested in.

I started to question whether or not I had the guts to put myself out there on something like this. But then I went back and looked at a few profiles over again and I started picking out things that weren't good enough. I started comparing every profile. I came to the realization, shortly after this that none of these guys were good enough because they weren't G. *sigh* I thought I was over him. Of course I completely pushed him out of my life and I stopped letting myself think about him so how was I supposed to know that I was still in major like with him. FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!

I Fucking Hate Him!!!!

2009-04-28T17:11:00.000-07:00

Did I fool you into thinking this was going to be an interesting blog post? It's not. Who do I hate? My massage therapist. I can not remember the last time I cried from physical pain but last thursday, and again today, I cried during my massage.

I thought it would a nice relaxing massage, like when I go to the spa...it's not. It's painful and makes me want to kill myself. Don't even get me started on my massage therapist either. I was a little relieved to see that he wasn't even remotely attractive as I think having a sexy masseuse would just make me self conscious. But then I've got this dorky, unattractive guy that is probably 15 yrs older then me digging his hairy knuckles into my back and trying to make small talk and it drives me fucking mental.

So if you guys see the headlines "Massage Patient Murders Unsuspecting Masseuse" and I disappear from the blog world...you know that this is me.

"You're still young"

2009-04-26T19:39:00.001-07:00

What the fuck does that mean? I'm still young so it doesn't matter that I work at a job I hate? I'm still young so I'm allowed to be single (and consequently miserable)? I mean, it just seems like this is everyone's answer to things that seem to be problems in my life. "Oh, well you're still young. You have your whole life to figure it out." Okay, I'm not denying that I have my whole life to figure my shit out but perhaps, just perhaps, I don't want to take my whole life to figure my shit out.

I just hate that the fact that I'm only 22 means I'm allowed to be miserable, confused, frustrated, and all alone. Hey, guess what? I don't want to be any of those things, and I don't think that the fact that I'm still young should be an excuse to make it okay that I feel these things. I realize that everyone goes through these times of misery and confusion but I'm not that girl. I don't want to be the girl that on the outside has everything together but on the inside is a fucking wreck. I'd rather be the girl that is quite obviously the fucking wreck than a girl that fakes it for everyone else's sake.

So I go to work every day, I go to school, study for tests, volunteer, socialize to some extent but it all feels like it's some sort of facade. Like all I want to do is scream at every one that I'm not fucking okay and I don't want to be part of this fucking bullshit anymore. I'm getting totally cynical too. It's like I automatically assume that everyone else is exactly the same way I am and they're all just faking it and it pisses me off. I'm becoming more drawn to the people that are open about the fact that they don't have their shit together because I feel more comfortable with them.

Something Always Comes Up

2009-04-21T17:01:00.000-07:00

So I was all stoked to continue working out today and then at work I bent down and stood back up and it was like BAM! All of a sudden my entire back felt like it was on fire. I could hardly move the rest of the day. I ended up leaving work early and hitting up the walk in clinic. Doc says it's a pinched nerve and prescribed weekly massage therapy. WHAT? You mean I get to have a massage every week and it's covered?! Fuck, I'm pinching nerves left and right if it means I get to have tons of massages.

Unfortunately this means I have to 'rest' until I feel better. Which means working out is out of the question. No, I'm not lying, I asked the doctor if I could work out and he laughed in my face and said "not until that burning feeling goes away."

Finally!!!

2009-04-20T19:38:00.000-07:00

So remember back at the beginning of the year I made a new year's resolution post? Well here's an update. I've been pretty good with sticking to my budget but everything else has been basically ignored. I have been to the gym twice since the new year. I haven't been doing my training program for the 10km at all. Today I finally started it! Oh it was so nice to actually run. I couldn't run for long periods of time but that's what the training program is for. Now I just gotta keep it up.

I'm teetering on the 120lb line. The day the scale hits 119lb is going to be the most happy day of my life! I do have to say though, my gut is not getting any smaller...I mean how much more weight do I have to lose to not have this belly anymore? I can't possibly lose that much more weight, I mean anything below 110lbs seems way too low even at my height. I just think there is way more than 9lbs of fat in my gut.

Anyways, I fully intend on doing my pilates video tomorrow and then back on the treadmill on Wednesday. This is me, holding myself accountable.

I'll Squash My Own Spiders, Thank You Very Much

2009-04-19T18:37:00.000-07:00

The mood today has been desperately lonely. It was another tough night of sleeping in my gigantic bed all by my lonesome (seriously considering buying a twin mattress). At about 2 am I dragged my pillow and duvet onto my couch as I have done almost every night for last year and a half. Even on the couch last night I tossed and turned...okay and cried a little. I woke up this morning with that lonely mood and then I got so fucking mad. Almost shaking mad. I can't remember the last time I've been this mad (this is a lie, I do remember. It was the day facebook informed me that The Ex was officially relationshipping with the slutbag he cheated on me with.)

I was just so furious. I mean, why the fuck do I need a man? I have 3 high powered vibrators that get the job done lickitysplit! I spent a half an hour putting together my very own patio table. I carry my own garbage down and maneuver the bag over my head and into the bin. This morning I went outside to have a smoke and was disgusted to find my entire patio infested with spiders. GAH!!! I fucking hate spiders. Have they made spider catchers? And if they have, why are they not advertised. I am definitely going to go to some sort of outdoorsy store to check this shit out. If spider catchers haven't been invented, then someone better get on that shit because that's a million dollar invention right there. Anywhoooo since I was unaware of the possibility of spider catchers this morning, I was left to fend for myself. AND I FUCKING DID. I fended for myself. It was me against the spiders. I got on my old chucks and squashed those motherfuckers; they didn't even see it coming.

My whole point here is that I don't need to be taken care of. I can do all this shit on my own. Why do I feel so helpless all the time then? Fuck, it's all about the intimacy and affection isn't it? I know that's what I miss. So now my goal is to find all the awful points of intimacy and affection so I don't miss it anymore. I just can't think of anything awful yet. But I will find something.

And now for something completely different, I got the outline of my half sleeve (which has now turned into a 3/4 sleeve) done. Woohoo! It was awesome, and looks awesome. Having my elbow tattooed hurt like a motherfucker but it's all worth it. At the moment however, I am hating this tattoo. Why you ask? Because my arm is so itchy I actually looked at my serrated bread knife and considered sawing off my arm. I only have a few more days until the itch goes away...of course shortly after the itch goes away, I'll be getting the shading done.

Perception and Reality

2009-04-13T20:55:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder if people have the same insecurities that I do. Sometimes I wonder if my own insecurities are reality or just my distorted perception of myself.

I think we can all relate to the "fat days" or the "ugly days," but what if those days are more often then the "hot days." That's how it is for me. I question all the time whether my own perception of myself is actually how I am. I'm not going to sit here and say that I'm ugly...but I picture all of my friends and to me they're all gorgeous no matter what weight they're at or what kind of clothes they wear. They're all beautiful in my eyes. I don't feel like I measure up to them at all. And it's not just my friends, there are very few ladies I run across that I don't see the beauty in.

For a long time, I just thought it was my own perception of myself and my own insecurities. But the longer I go without a boyfriend, or even really being hit on I gotta wonder, maybe I am a total dog. Don't give me the bullshit that beauty is on the inside, yah beauty is on the inside but that's not any good if no one is attracted to you. It's easy for me to look past a guy at first because I'm not physically attracted to him. I think I have a bit more maturity than a lot of people my age, where my attraction to someone can change the more I get to know them but there are still guys that I'd never go for. Maybe I'm that girl that most guys would never go for.

So I gotta wonder, what the fuck is physically wrong with me? Am I unattractive?

Friends Again, Friends Again

2009-04-11T17:21:00.000-07:00

Back in the day, there were 3 reasons why I was good friends with DB... 1.we both moved to the same town because of our then significant others. We both broke up with these significant others around the same time and were left in this town without many friends. 2. I had no heat in my apartment during this time so I used him for his heat-filled apartment. 3. We're both completely content with doing nothing but watching crappy tv/movies all night.

Then all that shit happened and we didn't talk for like 7 months. When we did talk again he was with Girl Version. The friendship did start to rekindle slightly and that was nice. I think this weekend was a turning point. Thursday night, I went out to his place with BFF1 and we just hung out there with a few people. Last night we were talking on FB chat he mentioned that he was bored, I said I was bored as well. He suggested I come visit him. I declined as he lives about 45 minutes away and it was already 11:30 so by the time I got there, I'd have to leave pretty quick if I wanted to avoid not falling asleep on the drive home later. He ended up convincing me to come out. We smoked some grass and watched a few episodes of Oz, then I fell asleep on his couch. When it was time for him to go to bed, he told me to take his bed and he'd crash on the couch. I opted for his couch though (I hate kicking people out of their bed). The evening went really well...there were even a few inappropriate comments made between the two of us. I'm pretty jazzed that this friendship is getting back to normal. I kinda missed him a little.

Real Men Don't Give A Fuck!

2009-04-10T10:53:00.000-07:00

I was looking at a picture of myself the other day...probably almost two years old. As I looked at it, I saw no difference in my body back then than it is now. Back then I was probably in the 150-160lb range (which is a lot for my 5' frame) and now I am sitting at a relatively healthy 123lbs. But in my eyes, I look exactly the same but since then, I feel differently about myself. This made me start thinking about my relationship with the ex and how when we fooled around, my shirt was always left on. I never made an effort to take it off, he certainly made no effort to take it off for me. He never put his hands anywhere near my stomach. Always skipping from my breasts to my crotch; always avoiding the dreaded tum-tum. I thought I deserved this; I didn't like looking at me completely naked, why would he? After we broke up, I did feel a little better about myself but I still saw fat when I looked in the mirror. I guess it just didn't really matter at that point though.

The night with DB was a lot of firsts for me. He crashed at my house, sharing my bed with me because it was no big deal. I really did not think anything would happen, I was decked out in valor pj pants and an old ratty shirt. I also clutched my teddy bear, Pola, as I normally would. Clearly, if I thought there would be some sexy time, I would have made an effort to wear cute pj's and leave Pola on the floor for the night. So, you can imagine that I was more than a little shocked when a half an hour later, I woke up to the front of his body pressed against my back, hands making there way to my ta-tas. I quickly rolled over to face him. "Are you sure?" I asked. "Ya, are you?" Before I could answer he leaned forward pressing his lips to mine with a strong kiss, filled with the urgency and pressure that I was feeling as well. Quickly stripped of his clothes, he went for mine. Pants, off. He started to pull my shirt over my head and I grabbed hold of the bottom, tugging it back down. He gave me this look, sighed and said "Fuck off...seriously, c'mon now." Shirt, off. It was amazing to me how comfortable I felt with his hands exploring the top part of my body. He didn't skip from the girls right to my unders, his hands moved across my tummy without a grimace or a flinch. Maybe it was all in my mind but my fat (and his major lack of fat that would usually be extremely unattractive to me) didn't bother either of us. But it's not so difficult to feel comfortable when you're already so comfortable with a person and there's no feelings involved. I really did not care what he thought of me.

The same sort of feelings were involved with the others. It just didn't matter to me if they thought I could stand to lose a few pounds...it didn't ever seem to matter to them either. Never was my stomach the focus of the night, but it was never shunned from like with the ex. But then there was G. I can honestly say, I don't remember much of the first night and the next day was more filled with sheer embarrassment of how I may have behaved, drunk as I was, than with concern of what he thought about my body. In the days that followed, I came to a huge realization. When we'd sit or lay together, his hands always rested or caressed my flabby little belly...almost as if he liked it. *GASP* When it was time for the sexy shenanigans to ensue, he took his sweet time caressing the little pooch. WTF?! Never in my life, had I ever thought that not only could a man not care, but actually find it sexy...but he did. I did my very best to put all insecurities aside and allow him to revel in all my belly-glory. And so I've now come to this conclusion, real men just don't give a fuck if you've got some belly fat. They just don't care...and some even like it. From now on, shirt always off!

Drained like a mother fucker!

2009-04-07T20:14:00.000-07:00

I had my counseling today. I really think it went well. I think she's a good match for me. I'm feeling really fucking drained though. I can't remember the last time I cried so hard. My sessions have been postponed because my counselor wants me to deal with my anxiety problems (with a mental health counselor and possibly medication) first because she wants to really delve into everything and is concerned that it could make my anxiety issues worse for a short period of time.

So let's cross our fingers and hope this works out; I would give my right fucking arm to feel normal again.

I've also made a gym date with a friend for tomorrow. I know that I'll feel better once I start going back to the gym, it is just so hard for me to actually go. But now I've made it so I have to go. Wish me luck!

P.S. I need to get laid!!!!!!!! Fuck! I gotta find a FWB soon or my hand is gonna fucking fall off.

Super Sigh

2009-04-04T23:38:00.000-07:00

I wish I could say I feel better since my overly depressing post a few weeks back...but I don't. I'm getting some help though. I have set up counseling with a Women's Resource Center. I've also been referred to Mental Health to get help with my anxiety/depression. I'm mostly against taking medication but I'm trying really hard to be open to that possibility right now.

I'm trying to stay positive though. It's hard, and there's a part of me that doesn't want to even try to be positive but I think, for the sake of the people I love, I need to at least try to pretend that I'm alright.

I imagine that I won't be blogging much because I actually feel guilty that the last months of my blog have been relatively depressing (it was not the original intent of my blog to be like a journal of my own self pity) and I just can't see anyone wanting to read this anymore. I'll most definitely keep up with blogging anything that I feel is blog worthy but for the most part, I think the posts will be pretty far apart. Bare with me, guys. I promise that one day (soon hopefully) my blog will be more positive and entertaining.

I'll also post tattoo pictures soon! My first sitting is on the 14th (Weeeeee!)

Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto

2009-03-26T16:44:00.000-07:00

So I don't know about you guys but I love love love fashion/make up blogs. I find it a little odd though, seeing as my own sense of style is pretty basic. So this is my blog post, making fun of myself and my fashion sense.

First things first, Chucks! I wear them every single day. Here are my new ones:

and this is what Chucks that have been worn every single day, look like after almost two years (winter months included). Please note all the holes.

And next, the studded belt. Also worn every day.

Ah yes, the red skull tee. Bought for $3 at Value Village, fits me perfectly.

STEGOSUARUS!

Dropkick Murphy's...yet another great shirt. I lost this recently, for almost a year! The day I found it was just about one of the best days of my life.

The bone-hoodie. I bought it at H&M last summer.

My size 9 jeans!!

And my all time favorite T-shirt!

That's right...STYX! Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto!

And now onto some basic hair/make up stuff

First, my MAC foundation. If I could afford for all my make up to be MAC then I'd be a happy camper. Unfortunately, the foundation is all I can do.

And then we have my Body Shop Mascara and Annabelle black eyeliner (and my cat's paw)...seriously, this is all I wear

Now we have the most expensive thing I purchase. Givenchy Hot Couture perfume! HEAVEN!

Hair products!!!!!

My Redken Hair Starch!

My flatiron!

My prizmsplus purple hair dye

And finally, my Nivea Visage cleansing/toning/moisturizing jazz.

Well folks, there it is. My Fashion/Makeup Blog!!!

Let's be totally honest

2009-03-23T21:11:00.000-07:00

This is not a post where I want everyone to comment about how I need to give it time, or that I'll eventually find someone or something that changes everything. This isn't meant to be a feel sorry for me post, I just feel as though I need to be honest. I also feel like writing this out might help me figure out what's going on in my head.

I'm in a place where my life isn't where I want it to be. I don't know how to change it. I am not hoping to be happy, I'm just hoping to be content in my life. I don't expect my life to be hunky dory or anything, I just want to be generally content.

I felt like going back to school would at least give me something to work towards which would be satisfying in some way, but really all it has done is brought on a greater sense of depression. As I struggle through school, I consistently think about how this is only my first year and it's just going to get harder and I'm just going to get more stressed out.

I thought that by going out and socializing I would feel better, I would at least be having fun. Fun doesn't make me feel content though. I have fun for one night or whatever and then I go back to feeling shitty.

A friend said to me the other day "I felt the same way, and one day I just felt I can choose to live my life otherwise I might as well just fucking die right now" She chose to live her life, and she's happy (or content because I hate the word happy.) When she told me that, my first thought was "ya, just fucking die right now, that sounds pretty fucking good to me." I told her that if I had to choose...I'd choose the latter.

This isn't a suicide anything. I'm not suicidal, I don't want to kill myself, I just want to go to bed and not wake up. Or, at the very least, go to bed and wake up somewhere else. I just don't feel like there's anything left for me here but I can't bring myself to leave.

So where do I go from here? Do I continue with my mundane life where I get up every morning and go to a job that I don't really like (but it pays my bills, and is flexible with school), only to come home to do homework or simply just go to bed because there's nothing worth staying up for. Where I wake up, alone, and start it all over again? Or do I man up and get the fuck out of here? My concern with leaving is that I'm going to wake up somewhere else feeling exactly the same way I do now and I won't have the support network to save me.

So, I'll sign off now and go to bed, only to begin the same bullshit again tomorrow.

I've jinxed them

2009-03-22T19:41:00.001-07:00

So, if you recall my last post, I made mention of how I loved that DB was with Girl Version and I hoped that they stayed together for a long time. Well...they broke up. It's really disappointing. He has got to get his shit together.

And then, G called me today, I asked him how it was going and he responded with a "I'm okay. I'm really overwhelmed. There's a lot going on right now, none of which I want to get into. My life is just going to be completely changed and I guess I'm kind of stressed out." Okay, he just blurted all this out. How do you even respond to that? All I could say was "okaaaaaaaay. So if you don't want ot talk about this, why'd you call?" He called to tell me about one of his concerts. But seriously, it makes me wonder what's going on that can be so life changing. Like did he knock some girl up or something? I swear to god if he has met some girl and randomly gotten engaged, I'm going to fucking kill myself. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating but seriously I can not handle another engagement right now. Mentally incapable is what I am in regards to handling something like this.

10pm Grilled Cheese

2009-03-16T22:20:00.000-07:00

It's Monday night, 10:20pm and I'm sitting in front of my computer with a beer and a grilled cheese. Why am I telling you this? Because the most excitement I have in my life is late night grilled cheese sandwiches and a bottle of cheap (yet, delicious) beer. How sad is that?

Actually, something exciting did happen in the last few days. One of my very close friends from Ontario came down to visit. This friend of mine used to date DB a long, long time ago. They broke up, and remained friends. When she visits she usually spends 90% of her time with him, about 7% with her family, and the remaining 3% with me and a few other friends. I wondered how it would be this time because all the other times she's visited, DB has been single. This time however, he's with Girl Version now and they're doing really well (and as far as I'm concerned, I hope they stay together forever!) So it's really no surprise that he hasn't made an effort to see her since she's come down. This left ample amounts of time for her to spend with me...except, I CAN'T HANDLE MUCH MORE OF HER!!!

I feel like a bad friend because I'm getting so friggin' annoyed with her and I haven't seen her in over a year. She has a tendency to mother me though. It bothers me a lot, but when it's over the phone, I can just zone out. When it's in person though...ughhh annoyed. It's not like I don't respect my friends advice, it's just that she mother's me about the most ridiculous things and it often feels like she thinks she knows more about everything because she is a few years older.

I love the girl to death, but her being down here, makes me feel like I have to entertain her. And then when we go out to one of the 3 bars, she complains about how lame it is in this town (like it was a surprise to her...uh you lived here for 22 years you should know what it's gonna be like) and sorta makes me feel like it's my fault. It's not like we haven't had fun, I think I can only handle so much of her though. She seems like she's expecting me to entertain her while she's down. She has other friends out here, and her family lives out here so I really wasn't expecting to have her attached at my hip the whole time.

I managed to get away the rest of tonight, and I'm feeling a little better but I still needed to vent. So, do you think I'm a bad friend?

end rant.

You guys deserve an embarassing Amanda moment

2009-03-09T20:48:00.000-07:00

So today, I get home and my schedule has been a little off lately so I was surprised that when I got home today I really had to poop (it's usually in the morning.) No biggy, I enjoy a good poop occasionally, nothing to be embarrassed about there. So I sit on the john, do my business and it's time to clean up. And as I'm wiping my behind, my sweater sleeve slides down and becomes my toilet paper!!! Ohhhhh hell no. Stupid sweater. Obviously that went right in the wash. And then in the trash once it was cleaned. There's no way I can keep "poop-sweater" around, clean or not. Every time I'd put it on, I'd be reminded of the day where I wiped my ass with my sweater sleeve.

I suppose it could have been worse. I could have had a boyfriend that would have asked me why I was I came out of the bathroom hanging on to my sweater as though it was some sort of biohazard (it kinda was.)

Engaged....pffffft to that

2009-03-08T20:50:00.001-07:00

So I found out quite recently that horrible ex is now engaged...to the slutbag that he cheated on me with. Engaged!

I realize the "slutbag" comment sounds like I'm bitter, but in my defense, she's a self proclaimed slut. So really, all I'm doing is giving her the lack of respect she asked for when she told us one time about getting gang-banged at a party. Of course that comment was made before she was sleeping with my then-boyfriend.

I dislike my ex. I even disliked him before we broke up and before I found out that he'd been cheating on me. I'm not pining over him. That being said, I do care about the fact that he's engaged. It's affecting me for some reason.

I'm trying really hard not to be affected by this but I am...fuck, am I ever. The irrational girl side of me is screaming "I couldn't even be good enough for a douchebag like him!"

Maybe my being affected by it has to do with the fact that I've had a major lack of relationships in the past year+ (G doesn't count as a relationship). I think this whole thing has caused a major self esteem implosion. I feel totally inadequate at the moment, like I'll never be good enough for anyone and I'll turn into a crazy cat lady (or at least a crazier cat lady.)

I'm no longer sure how I feel about karma. If karma was real then wouldn't I be the one in a relationship and he'd be the one sitting at home wondering if he's good enough to be with anyone.

Lucky Number 7

2009-02-28T18:37:00.000-08:00

Let's face it, the possibility of things working out with G and I, is slim to none. Coming to this realization sincerely made me sad. Not because I have fallen hopelessly in love with him or anything, but because it leaves me to face the fact that there will be a number 7. A seventh notch on my bedpost.

I feel that I need to say, I don't hold sex to be anything sacred. I'm obviously not opposed to casual sex but I didn't think it would get this far. At what point did I cross a line? A line has been crossed...I officially feel like a bit of a skank here, but where did I cross that line.

Number 1 was my first and, sadly, only boyfriend. Over 4 yrs with him and his asshole ways, left me looking for nothing but a fun and amazing sex buddy. I thought I had found that with number 2 (DB). That didn't pan out. But that's okay...2 is not a bad number for a 22 yr old girl. In fact, I thought it was a little low. 3 was Blue and although sleeping with him appeared to be a mistake because it could have been the reason why things didn't work out between us, but I still made a friend out of it and 3 really isn't a bad number at all. 4 (TS) was fun and I was definitely fine with having 4 as my number. And 5...Hands, well I never really got a chance to think about the number 5 because G came into my life so quickly after that. Finally, G makes 6. I was okay with 6 because we were "together" (ya, that deserves an eyeroll) but then it ended and I had to think about how I felt about sleeping with him.

If I had the time to think about 5 before G came along, well I think I would have been able to say "okay, lets leave it at 5 for a while...time to take a break and close those legs." So I guess I crossed the line at 5 (?) I don't know.

But now I sit here, and think...there will be a 7. I don't know if I can be okay with the number 7. So I can't help but think about the fact that I desperately need to get laid! But that would put me at this ridiculous number. I'm left trying to figure out if numbers are just numbers and that it shouldn't matter if I'm at 7 or 17 as long as I'm alright with what I'm doing, or if I should just buy a new vibrator and lock myself in my room. Oh the trials and tribulations of being possibly the most horny girl in the entire world.

Oh and, this morning I ate pie for breakfast. Weeeeeee!

Something clever?

2009-02-25T18:07:00.001-08:00

Why is it that I have nothing interesting to say.

I wish I had some good (or even bad) news about G to share...but I don't. Nothing new in that area.

Nothing new with work.

Nothing new with family.

Nothing happened that would make me think "man, I should blog about this situation, it's effing crazy!"

I'm not complaining. Technically I should be happy right now. There's no drama going on. There's nothing "bad" in my life. But ya know, I kind of want a little drama, it makes life interesting. Life is boring right now.

I can't even think of a good list to make. If you guys have a list topic, let me know and I'll do my very best to fulfill it.

I once was lost, but now am found...or not

2009-02-23T20:56:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling very unsettled as of late. Like my head is in one place but my physical self is in another I can not, for the life of me, concentrate on any of the necessary things that need to be dealt with. It took me a whopping 6 hours to clean my house yesterday. 6 fucking hours! It was a simple tidy, vacuum kinda clean, shoulda been an hour max. But I'd find myself just sitting down, staring at that piece of lint on the floor thinking "I wonder if my crappy ass vacuum will pick that up...I wonder what my mom is doing...I wonder what G is doing...Why does it smell like oranges over here" and so on. I feel like I've been overcome with a temporary case of insanity or perhaps just ADD.

My mind refuses to wrap itself around anything right now. Even if I do start thinking about important things (such as my looming midterm!) I can only concentrate on it for a few minutes before something distracts me.

I feel like the constant distractions might be my attempt at not feeling depressed. I've never really felt "lost" before but right now I do. I have to say, my friends, this is not a pleasant feeling. I feel as though I'm just wandering through my days with little, or no acknowledgment to what is going on around me. It's a truly terrible feeling.

Hrmmmmm I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm backs

2009-02-19T16:47:00.000-08:00

It wasn't a long hiatus but a hiatus nonetheless. I've just been going through some personal/family issues that were occupying all the mental capacity I own. It's officially over now so I'm back to the blog.

And this is where I realize how lame I actually am...I have nothing to blog about. Nothing in my life right now is worthy of being mentioned. Nothing is comical, heartbreaking, or even remotely interesting.

Something better happen soon or I'm going to die of boredom.

Fuck Valentines Day

2009-02-14T14:42:00.000-08:00

I'm so fucking cranky right now. I hate not knowing where I stand with G. I hate that I can't read him. I never know what the fuck he is thinking. I hate this dance we're doing. I think I'm done. It's too hard to get to know someone with the hope of dating them eventually when you don't know if they still feel the same way. It's too fucking hard I tell ya. I can't handle that when I see him, it takes every ounce of me not to beg him to be my boyfriend (classy, right?)

I'm going to try to distance myself from him because I just don't want to play this game anymore. He seems like a pretty amazing guy and ideally I would like to be at least friends. But reality isn't like that. He's amazing and I can't just be friends with him without having a little break in my heart, at least not right now.

So, here I am, spending yet another V-day on my lonesome. And why the fuck do I care? I never paid attention to V-day when I was in a relationship, I could have cared less but when I'm alone, it's a big fucking deal apparently.

Plans for tonight...homework, laundry, laying on my living room floor with some seriously depressing music. Fun times.

Ah Friends...how do we feel about this?

2009-02-11T17:26:00.000-08:00

G and my friendship seems to be going well. He came over last night to play some cards and watch a movie. It was good. Oh but the wanting of canoodling is so very strong.

My expectations with this friendship thing is probably too high. I do want to get to know him better but I also am yet to find anything I dislike about him and so my feelings for him tend to just get stronger. He's not the type of guy to hold on to me as a friend for the intent of another drunken hook up (he's not into drunken hook ups and despite our initial one, it was the first "anything" he's had in years) but I am concerned that I'm going to fall fucking head over heels for him and he's not going to tell me when/if his feelings for me change to "just friends" and I'll never get over him. With his ability to communicate his feelings to me, I have to assume he'll let me know if I should ever "write him off." I'm sincerely hoping he will anyways.

He asked me the other day what my biggest regret is...I said I didn't have one, but in all honesty, getting drunk and hooking up with him was my biggest regret to date. I hate that it left us both feeling like we're obligated to be in a relationship; now that we're out of that relationship, I really would like to get to a point where we are comfortable with the idea of giving it a shot but there's this fear now. Had I stayed sober (at least semi-sober) I wouldn't have slept with him; I wouldn't be in the position that I am now. We would have continued to do this awkward flirting and getting more comfortable with each other and just would have seen where it went. My expectations wouldn't be as high as they are now. High expectations = high insecurity levels.

That being said, no more getting shitfaced around him, period. This is me, holding myself accountable for this. If I do get drunk with him, you all have to comment with a "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!" Deal?

And there it is, the moment we've all been waiting for folks

2009-02-08T18:17:00.000-08:00

He walks in my house this morning with this look on his face. I know this look, as I had the same look on my face. This is the look that has been planted on my face the last few days. The look that means, "WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?!" This idea of feeling like I have to compromise myself and my life just to keep a boyfriend has been bugging me. This relationship happened too fast. Even if it wasn't serious, it still happened too fast; there was too much pressure. I don't like pressure. He said, "maybe we should talk." He said he feels like we need to get to know each other better before we jump into anything (uh fella, we already jumped into something...remember?). It's not that I don't disagree, I do, I just feel like a complete idiot. But despite the very necessary break up (it seems ridiculous to even call it that because awkwardly sitting in silence is hardly a relationship) he wanted to stick around and hang out. We went for a walk; we actually were able to converse for once. It was kind of nice, but also kind of heartbreaking because I automatically understood that part of the reason we could talk was because the pressure was off.

We walked back to my place and he suggested we watch a movie. Last week, he brought this big book of movies over and before he left he suggested leaving them here (which, at the time, totally freaked me out). So through the book of movies we went and he stumbled upon Pans Labyrinth. I've always wanted to see it but knew it would be one of those movies that left me in tears; I tried to protest (he's not ready for Sobbing Amanda yet) but he insisted. So we watch it. I have to hide under the covers of my blanket to keep from showing him I was crying.

Movie over, he starts putting on his boots. He gives me a hug; I hand him his book of movies. He says "leave em here, we'll watch another one soon okay?" I must have given him this weird look or something because he looks down at me and says "just don't write me off alright?" WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?! UGHHHHHHHHH I hate it when things are left in the middle. Like, I know that this "break up" was necessary and I'm fully okay with just calling us friends and only having those expectations (because if that's the only expectations I have, I'll get over him that much faster) but giving me this "just don't write me off" bullshit is such...well, bullshit. So now, we're just friends with the possibility of more at some unknown point. Am I allowed to go out on other dates with other people? More importantly, am I allowed to fuck someone else in order to deal with this heartbreak (I do realize I need to stop using sex to get over boys but can we save that post for another day.)

Yarrrrrrr! That's really all I can say.

What the hell is the point?

2009-02-08T09:33:00.000-08:00

What is the point in having a boyfriend if you're too busy to really spend any actual time together. I mean sure Geoff and I have hung out quite a bit but at the expense of my school work. I'm getting all my shit done, but I'm totally half assing it. I've already considered dropping a class next semester in order to have more time. I've put the whole kickboxing thing on the back burner as well. I do not want to be this kind of girl.

Why do boys automatically become the center of our universe. I am doing well with juggling work, school, staying fit and healthy but then throw a boy in the mix and I'm in a constant state of anxiety that I'm either not going to have enough time for him or I'm not going to have enough time for my regular every day junk.

Having a boyfriend is proving to be more taxing then I remember. Maybe it's because the last boyfriend I had, had me in a constant state of depression where all I had to worry about was work and trying not to piss him off. It was easier for me to just go home and plop myself down in front of a tv. Now I feel like if I sit down to watch some tv I'm being irresponsible. I should be studying so when I do have time to hang out with boyfriend, I won't have to worry about how I should be studying.

Oy ve!

He loves me, He loves me not

2009-02-04T21:31:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder what is actually wrong with me that I can be so very insecure.

Due to the drunken Friday night which I barely remember and the resulting relationship, I'm so panicked right now. I kind of regret not being able to continue the fun/awkwardness of trying to figure out when he's going to make a move or whatever. I hate that I can't remember our first kiss or even the first time we had sex. But I do like that we've settled into a relationship and it's out in the open.

That being said, I still can only assume I made a total fool of myself and can not, for the life of me, figure out why he'd want to be with the drunk slutty girl. But he seems like he does. He's always has this serious look on his face (the same look that made me once think he was an arrogant douche) and it terrifies me. This look of his has me constantly expecting him to change his mind about everything (because it happened so so fast) and dump me. He'll call me and say "can I stop by for a bit?" and I'll assume it's him needing to stop by to end things. Then he'll stop by and sit me down next to him and ask me about my day. He just wants to spend time with me and I get so hung up in my own insecurities that I'm having trouble appreciating what's in front of me.

Fuck...is there no end to panic and confusion?

Our first official date

2009-02-01T15:29:00.000-08:00

Which seems funny to say because you know he's my boyfriend, but again, we are trying to take things slow.

He picked me up this morning at 9 (OMG! 9 am! He's a morning person...scary) and we went to the flea market in search of Tubular Bells on vinyl. We did not find it. Again, he's super awkward like me and he seems to have a lot of the same weird hang ups I do. Today's shared weird hang up...the flea market. So many people, so many odd smells, so little room. You could tell we were both getting anxious being there and so we left after a quick scan of the place.

We had breakfast and then went back to my house and played some crib and then decided to go to a movie. Since the movie didn't start for a few hours we just laid on my couch and napped (with a little bit of making out in there for good measure). I know we talked about taking it slow but you have no idea how badly I want to doooooo him.

So we went to the movies and then he dropped me off at home as he had a bunch of crap to do today. So that was that. First date a success I think. He was lovely, as he usually is. It was less awkward.

The whole idea of a relationship kind of terrifies me just a little. My last relationship was a really bad one and this one sort of happened really fast (way to fucking go Drunk Amanda.) I like that we're calling it a relationship, I'm just a little disappointed that I can't even remember the first time we kissed and how we ended up in my bed (surely it was my idea because I do slightly recall him offering to sleep on my couch.)

I guess we just continue the dating and see where it goes. The heartbreak still worries me though. My insecurities are running on an all time high right now and I'm scared shitless that at any moment he's going to realize all my flaws and end it.

Oh! One more thought! He doesn't smoke and even though he said it's okay if I do, I don't seem to have any problem at all not smoking around him.

We skipped the dating process

2009-01-31T11:40:00.000-08:00

So last night...well I don't remember much of it. I get to the pub and I'm meeting Geoff (ya, we're just going to use his real name) there and when I walk in BFF1 and DB's girlfriend are there. This is bad news. DB's girlfriend drinks heavily and she definitely had me drinking a lot. So here's a recap of everything I remember. (I'm so totally disappointed in myself)

-Geoff comes in and we hug. I am 3 drinks down at this point and that's a lot in a very short period of time

-DB's girlfriend buys a pitcher of beer for me and her to share. That pitcher goes quickly.

-I catch Geoff singing along to a Justin Timberlake song and I swoon

-Another pitcher (oh this is where it gets fuzzy)

-There's a lot of canoodling between Geoff and I

-DB comes in and says "hey Geoff, you look awfully cheerful today" my response to that was "IT'S BECAUSE OF MEEEEEEE!" (fuck, I'm a dork)

-Pitcher is empty and I feel the need for more beer. Geoff buys me a beer...I spill it all over him (and again, fuck, I'm a dork)

-I remember Geoff walking me home.

-I remember waking up beside him sometime in the middle of the night naked (I can only assume we had sex)

-After waking up, we have sex

-and then we have sex again

-This morning we have sex again and once more for good measure (holy crap!)

-We go for breakfast, he says "so I guess I should have a chat with your brother." I ask him what he is planning on saying to him and he said "well that we're a couple, I guess" I opt to let SIS tell him for us.

-We changed our facebook relationship status's this morning to reflect our couplehood.

I'm feeling giddy and I know we're just dating and we'll actually probably take it kind of slow (unless I'm drunk apparently) from here on out. I do feel a little weird about how everything happened but I'm okay with it.

Also, my vagina hurts like you wouldn't believe but it's one of those good hurts

Ahhhhhh!

2009-01-30T09:09:00.000-08:00

I went to swoon-worthy boys concert last night. He's a drummer in a folky/blues kind of band. There was major flirting. Although, keep in mind it was Grade 8 style flirting because we're so so awkward. But we discussed our awkwardness and that we take comfort in each other's social ineptitude. We also made a flea market date for Sunday.

But right now...I'm more worried about tonight. What do I wear? (thanks for freaking me out about that Nicole :P) How much should I drink? I can't drink too much because then I might jump him right in the bar and I really don't want to come across as that kind of girl (even though I kind of am that kind of girl) because I really like him.

I'm not good with the date thing, can you tell?

And at what point, is it safe to tell my brother that I'm dating (are we dating?!) his ex-roommate?

An update

2009-01-28T20:51:00.001-08:00

So I was off work today, new swoon-worthy boy happened to be off work as well. He suggested that perhaps we meet up to do the cd exchange. I agreed. We went for a walk around a lake. It was so awkward. We're both so shy and awkward as it is. What happens when you put two shy, awkward people together that have little experience hanging out with one another...extreme awkwardness.

He ended up coming back to my place to watch a movie. There's was definitely no canoodling or even flirting. This makes me question whether or not he likes Sober Amanda, perhaps he just likes Drunk Amanda. Or perhaps this is the first time we've hung out and I shouldn't think so much about it.

This is why I hate crushes. It causes me to think too much about my own flaws and I get incredibly insecure and well, awkward.

Also, I need a nickname for new swoon-worthy boy...any suggestions? (I'm too consumed with replaying the day over and over in my head to think about anything creative for him)

No thank you

2009-01-28T09:48:00.000-08:00

So during my odd Friday night last week, I made friends with a guy. I've known the guy for a while (we have many mutual friends) but always thought of him as an arrogant douche because he hardly ever said much and kind of had this arrogant look to him. I despised the guy really. But during my drunken Friday night, we managed to strike up a conversation and during that conversation, where my opinion of him changed, I realized he was dead fucking sexy. Totally outta my league though so after our conversation ended and I wandered away, I really didn't think twice about him.

And then, Sunday morning I checked my FB and I had a friend request from him. I happily accepted his friend request and then lurked his profile (read drooled over pictures of him.) Later on in the evening, I was online, he was online so I sent him a quick hello. He messaged me back, we began to chat. We talked a lot about music and we came to the conclusion that he had to borrow one of my cds. I mentioned that I hardly ever run into him so I'm not sure when he'd be able to get that cd. He suggested I go to the pub more often; I said I go all the time, perhaps he should go more often. He suggested a compromise where we both make more of an effort to randomly run into each other at pub. We ended up chatting for over two hours and the more I talked to him, the more I liked him. He's incredibly smart and has great taste in music. So I was a little disappointed in myself, I did not want anymore crushes and this guy was totally out of my league so now I had to work on getting over my crush instead of dwelling in it.

Then, last night, I talked to BFF1 and I mentioned that I had a little crush on someone and she said "oh really?" and then she mentioned that she got a text message from someone asking her if I was single. She said, yes. And then another text asking why I wore a ring on my ring finger then. She said she didn't know but she knew that the ring was from my parents (it's the only finger my ring fits on and I've just been too lazy to have it sized). I asked her who asked her these questions and it was none other than my new crush. Is it safe to say, that this means he's interested?

We spent another two hours talking last night and planned to hopefully run into each other on Friday night. The thing is, now that I know there is potential there, I'm going to be nervous when I run into him and probably say something stupid and not be remotely cute or witty or anything like that. There's major heartbreak potential here.

No more heartbreaks please, I don't know if I can handle another one!

Drunken Shenanigans of a Friday Night (booze ban broken)

2009-01-24T14:51:00.000-08:00

I can't even begin to explain the sheer oddness of last night. I went to pub with BFF1...first time I've been social in a long time. The vibe seemed so odd there that night, and I later figured out that all the oddness was just for me and me alone.

Odd moment number one: After a few drinks with BFF1 and some other friends, a group of people came into the pub. Included in this group of people was my ExBFF (who I had a falling out with months ago and haven't seen or talked to her since) and her asshole husband. They aren't the most civil people ever so I figured it would be best to talk to her first instead of waiting to see if they decide to make some asshole remark or something. So we briefly chatted, hugged and that was fine. But it felt weird sitting in my group of friends and having her and her group of friends and both of us so obviously not wanting the other person to be there. But nothing crazy went down or anything it was just weird.

Odd moment number two: My asshole Ex's brother showed up to the pub and followed me around almost the entire night telling me how much his family misses me and how they hate Ex's new GF. It was sweet but also annoying. He's an annoying guy as it is so to have him drunkenly proclaiming his brotherly love for me all night was just a little too much to bare.

Odd moment number three: Blue shows up, without new girlfriend and we chat awkwardly. At this point I manage to down not one but four rye cokes in about 10 minutes, making my nightly total 8 rye and cokes (I ran out of money after this point so no more rye and cokes but did manage to scam a beer off of Ex's brother later on.) The night continued and I catch Blue looking at me a few time, he catches me looking at him a few times...it was just weird.

Odd moments numbers four to infinity: A new potential fuck buddy? We shall name him Hands (I'll explain in a moment and just know, I'm not very creative when hung over). Hands has sorta been hitting on me for a while now but I never intended on taking him up on the offer for two reasons, he's 20 yrs old so that's a little young for me and he and BFF1 have hooked up before and there's got to be some unwritten rule about hooking up with the same guy your friend has hooked up with even if there isn't any feelings between them. Now she is constantly telling me to go for it with him because apparently he's amazing in bed despite his lack of size, but I always stood my ground and tonight I wasn't intending on making any exceptions. BFF1 and I were going to cab it back to my house and have a slumber party anyways so there wasn't even an opportunity.

At some point in my drunken haze, I managed to steel Hands' hat and decided to wear that the rest of the night and we flirted and just hung out. BFF1 comes up to me at one point and says "I'm not sure if I'm going to go home with you tonight." I knew what this meant; her ex FWB was at the pub and she had been debating whether or not to start that up again (as he had been persisting for the last few weeks). She mentioned that I was wearing Hands' hat and implied that this meant that I was going home with him. I said "No! don't be silly, I'm just wearing his hat because I'm drunk!" Drunken shenanigans continue on and at one point Hands and I are out back having a smoke. Blue is out back as well. Hands and I are flirting and cuddling a bit because it was cold and the idea of hooking up with someone was really starting to be a temptation so I casually suggested the idea (quietly) to Hands who responded with one of those incredibly sexy, grab me by the front of my belt and pull me towards him and plant a mother of a kiss on me, moves. All this went down, right in front of Blue (weird!) So we go back inside and the pub is closing. I run up to BFF1 and said, "I don't think I'm going home alone, as long as it's okay with you because just say the word and it'll end." She laughed and explained it was fine, reminded me to be safe and to have fun.

Now to the juicy stuff. Hands and I make it back to my apartment and we start making out on my bed. He is, without a doubt, the best kisser ever. It felt like we made out for forever, it was awesome. Things progressed from there. His mad kissing skills was just the beginning for his mad skills in general. Soon enough we're both naked (he took the time to take my socks off...is this weird? It seemed weird at the time) and fooling around. Holy Hannah the boy has magic fingers (hence the Hands codename) and one helluva magic tongue. Excuse me, while I masturbate at the thought of this. The sex was great but not nearly as amazing (and I mean amazing) as the foreplay. He was really rough and gentle all at the same time. I mean he'd kiss me really really hard but at the same time as caressing my face or hair or hands or something...me likey. But holy shit, what an awful fucking sleeper. He felt the need to practically smother me the entire night, but whatever it was worth it. We woke up in the morning and watched Transformers and then he left.

Shortly after he left, I went to the bathroom and realized just how rough he actually was. My lips are swollen and bruised. I have bruises all over my body. Again, me likey.

I talked to BFF1 a little while ago, to see how her night went. She didn't end up with her ex FWB...she ended up in Blue's bed. WHAT?! Ya, in his bed. She said, once she realized that it wasn't a good idea to go back to her FWB she asked Blue to call her a cab. He told her, if she wanted, she could crash at his house. Since they are such good friends, I guess this didn't seem like a big deal to her so she agreed. Long story short, he tried to hook up with her but she convinced him that that is a bad idea and slept in her jeans and a tank top. I'm sorry but doesn't he have a girlfriend?! What about his girlfriend?! And what prompted him to try really hard to get one of his closest friends in bed with him? Asshole? Ya, I think he just got bumped up to the number one spot on the Douchebag scale.

Well that was my drunken Friday night. It was really sad that I couldn't do the booze ban to the end. I don't even know what prompted me to drink in the first place but it was worth it in the end, despite all the oddness that went on.

Tattoo Therapy

2009-01-21T19:31:00.000-08:00

So I had my consultation today about my half sleeve. I'm feeling very energetic right now and I'm totally stoked on this tattoo. If any of you know anything about tarot cards, I'm going to get the image for the strength card on my right arm. If you don't know, this is a drawing of a woman with her hand on a lions mouth. The drawing on most tarot cards is kind of renaissancey and the woman looks quite angelic. I'm going to get a more updated, realistic (and less angelic) version. So this will set me back a minimum of $800. $800 but totally fucking worth it.

I won't get to see the drawing until the end of February and I'm going to be antsy until then, but hey, this gives me something to look forward to!

So what do I really want?

2009-01-19T19:51:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about this a while now...do I really want a relationship? Or do I just want to find a good, reliable fuck buddy? I think it's one of those "the grass is always greener" situations.

The idea of a relationship kind of terrifies me. Let's put it this way, I'm an incredibly disciplined person. My life revolves around work and school. I make time for friends and the occasional party. I think about the guys that I associate with and I think of how different they are. They are all way too hardcore for me. TS, Blue and all of their friends are constant drinkers. Drinking every night of the week until two or three in the morning. On weekends drinking and partying until six or seven in the morning. It's ridiculous (and don't get me started on the fact that the majority of them are almost 27 fucking years old...seriously grow the fuck up!!!!) Since these are the guys I associate with on occasion, I can't imagine being in a relationship with anyone like them; it would drive me crazy! But where else do I meet someone? I need someone that is mature enough to not live their life for drunken shenanigans (although I love the drunken shenanigans, just not on a daily basis).

So since there is a major lack of mature boyfriend potential this leaves me with finding a good, reliable fuck buddy. But so far I've struck out with this. DB...fuck me and then don't talk to me until we run into each other 7 months later and act like nothing happened. TS was not originally supposed to be a fuck buddy; he was supposed to be a random one nighter. Fuck, I couldn't even remember his last name in the morning. But he gave me 4 orgasms in one night so I wasn't opposed to a second round. Second round came about and was equally as good. The idea of making him my fuck buddy came about after that. But then I continuously ran into him sober, and I liked sober TS. He seemed like a genuinely nice guy. He still does seem like a genuinely nice guy. So now the idea of him becoming a fuck buddy (not that we got very far after our second round anyways) is a bad bad idea because I could potentially fall for him, even though I know it's against my best interest. So where does this leave me?

This leaves me totally and completely fucked...or un-fucked actually. And to be perfectly honest with you all, I'm getting sick and fucking tired of masturbation.

This post is actually quite moot as I have no potential relationship man, nor do I have a potential fuck buddy. Perhaps, I should just look for a new vibrator?

And here we go again

2009-01-16T16:48:00.000-08:00

This will be my 3rd weekend of staying at home like a hermit. I need to lighten my spirits before I attempt to go out. I really don't want to be that girl that everyone hates because she's always so bummed out.

Truth of the matter is, I'm kind of cheerful today (read crazy due to lack of sleep) and wouldn't be opposed to going out, but I've already made plans to clean, do laundry, eat some Mr. Noodle soup and do some homework. Probably followed by some Gilmore Girls or One Tree Hill.

I haven't attempted to go to bed in 5 days. Can you believe that? 5 FUCKING DAYS! I have slept in this time, but because of my loneliness, I find going to a huge empty bed totally depressing. So at my 10:30 bedtime, I get into some nice pj's and curl up on the couch with the remote control. I drift in and out of sleep while watching tv and eventually get up around 5. Obviously I haven't gotten enough sleep in that time, hence the crazy cheerfulness today. Perhaps, tonight will be the night where I sleep in my bed. I think I'll give it a shot.

Being bored at work today left me going through some old emails. I ended up doing a "Best Of" email between me and SIS...here's some of it for your reading pleasure"

"My neck is way better today, and I'm pretty stoked about my massage. Say that with a British accent, "mass-age." Say it a few times with me...it's a Massage Party! Mass-age. Mass-age. Did you ever watch those British videos in science in high school that talked about aluminum, but they said it, "Aloominyum"? Aloominyum." Says SIS in a fit of sillyness.

And this whole email conversation:

Amanda: I'm drinking a huge cup of gag-worthy coffee right now in hopes of having the wanted effect of, well pooping. Still no go for me.
Ha, just thought you may want to know

SIS: you STILL haven't pooped? Amanda, that's almost a week! Aiee!

Amanda: HaHA! I just went. It was unsatisfying but still a poop!

SIS:yay! speaking of...

i'd hate to go a week. right now i can't go five minutes.

Amanda: uh oh!

"I wish you could hug me too, but I wish your hug was venomous and would kill me, because yes, death is still seeming like a viable option." Says Amanda, I think I was sick with the flu/cold or something

"Any tuna lunch today? "hey, Dan, I brought you a can of tuna. Let's do lunch...tunarifically." No makeouts after that lunch, tho...ugh." Says SIS, I don't really remember what this is about though!

" So I've made my case...rejected by someone who has a habit of "fucking ugly chicks"...truly shameful." Says Amanda in regards to DB before there actually was sex

And there it is...it probably isn't nearly as interesting to you all but I felt like I needed a post with a little substance and not so "I'm so saaaaad" sorta thing.

Enjoy!

Cheering up! Another suggestion...

2009-01-10T17:10:00.001-08:00

I've decided to become a hermit. This is mostly due to the fact that this semester at school is going to be hard and I need to concentrate on school for a little while. While I was reading Oedipus, which is quite interesting by the way, I thought to myself "Man this could be way more interesting if it was acted out in play form (as it is a play.)" So, with the audience of my cats, I acted out the entire play of Oedipus in my living room. It was so much fun. I don't think my cats enjoyed it quite as much as I did but that doesn't matter. Does this make me a total nerd? I think it does, but I care not.

So add acting out random plays to my cats, to the list of Cheer Up Methods!

Edit to add: This totally puts me on the list for Crazy Cat Lady doesn't it?

Ode To My Momma!

2009-01-07T19:43:00.001-08:00

So, still depressed. Today's cheer up method (see previous post) includes the watching of girly teen drama series. Gilmore Girls all the way! This allowed me to reminisce about when I first started watching this show at about 16 yrs old. I wanted to get knocked up specifically to have the same relationship with my potential daughter that Lorelei has with Rory. All the while chatting it up with the sexy diner owner. Obviously this didn't happen, otherwise this blog would not be about the sexual escapades and drunken shenanigans in my life. The truth is though, I think I have a similar relationship with my mom than the Gilmore gal's. Okay, perhaps we aren't so quick witted or clever and we're both without the amazingly great metabolism but my mom is, without a doubt, my best friend.

I talk to my mom about a lot of things, the only thing I leave out is the sex stuff (she doesn't want to know). If I have a bad day, I call my mom. If I have a good day, I call my mom. If something mediocre-exciting happens, I call my mom. If she needs to vent about work, my brother or anything, she calls me. I trust her and depend on her. She encourages me more than anyone else in my life and I'm grateful for it.

My dad hasn't really been that encouraging or anything like that. I am a lot like my dad though. We have the same weird sense of humor, stubbornness, and temper. We both find the stupidest shit amusing. My dad and I don't really get along that well. Sometimes we do but it's rare. We both have to be in a goofy mood and that's a rare occurrence. But my mom, my mom is always there. We rarely fight and when we do it doesn't last long.

The truth is though, I can't let my mom in on the fact that I'm bummed out right now. She gets really worried about me and I don't want her to worry. I just feel really alone right now. I don't really want to talk to my friends about it. I just want to talk to my mom, I just don't want her to worry.

Anyways, this post is supposed to be all about my mom's amazing awesomeness! She truly is just the best. I'm really lucky to have the mom that I do.

And there it is

2009-01-05T19:40:00.001-08:00

It's baaaaack. Hello lonely depression, long time no see. Yarrrrr! (says Pirate Amanda) I really am pissed. It definitely happened just as I suspected. Woke up Saturday morning to an empty bed. I wake up from a lovely dream (flashback) where I was canoodling in bed with TS. I don't think I mentioned his lovely cuddling in past posts. Basically, he was one of those guys that wanted nothing more than to be touching you in any way possible. It didn't matter what position I was laying in, he'd find a way to cuddle me. Anywho...I woke up, still feeling warm and fuzzy, and rolled over to see my untouched left-side of the bed which instantly took away that warm/fuzzy feeling. *tear* Oh the longing of affection. Does it ever go away? Even when I was happy and feeling good about singlehood, I still missed that touch that a relationship brings. I really just need a hug.

Here is my list of things that cheer me up!

1. Mike Oldfield - Tubular Bells CD (Also on my list of Top Ten Loves)

2. Chocolate covered pretzels

3. PB and jam sandwiches on white bread, cut in half with a glass of milk (my Momma used to make this for me when I had a bad day at school)

4. Chicken noodle soup with so many crackers in it that it soaks up all the broth and it's more like chicken noodle cracker mush

5. Shopping for shoes and/or purses

6. Watching girly movies or teen drama series (helloooo One Tree Hill)

7. Reading

8. Shopping for books

9. Slipper socks

10. Down duvets

I'm choosing to use Tubular Bells, Chicken noodle cracker mush and reading as my preferred cheer-up method tonight.

Apparently we're not friends anymore

2009-01-04T16:30:00.000-08:00

Boys SUCK! So Blue and I often hang out...haven't seen him since just before Christmas. This is odd. We have a regular at least once a week hang where we smoke too much pot and watch Lost. I chalked up his lack of calling to the holidays but I propositioned him with a joint, pizza and his choice of zombie movie the other day and hadn't heard from him at all (and how do you turn down an offer like that!) I mentioned this to BFF1 and she said "ohhhh yah, I was meaning to tell you, I saw him with some girl the other day...apparently he's got a girlfriend." Now this brings up two issues with me. 1: I get that girlfriends don't like their boyfriends hanging out with their friends of the female variety alone, but he could have at least responded to my texts by saying "can't, busy" or something. 2: Since it really hasn't been that long since our night of atrocious sex when he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship...well now, that makes me think that it was all about my flaws and non-awesomeness instead of the fact that he wasn't ready.

Currently sitting on my couch in my pj's feeling very very sorry for myself.

No Smoking! Not fucking likely

2009-01-02T17:47:00.000-08:00

Okay so today was supposed to be the first full day without smoking. I woke up with smoking on my mind. This is odd because it normally takes me a good hour after I get up before I think about lighting up. I even got gas without buying smokes. I got to work and was feeling really fucking crazy at this point. It was fucked.

Then, this boy that I'm friends with from work, is standing outside my window having a smoke and without realizing it I was giving him the "Come Fuck Me" eyes! Not because I wanted to fuck him (although if the opportunity came up, I probably wouldn't refuse) just because I wanted his fucking cigarette. So I'm giving him this look and he gives me this "Why the fuck are you looking at me like you're going to take me out to the forest and rape me" look back. Of course I realized what I was doing at this point, got really flustered and embarrassed and went outside and said "Can you not smoke in front of my window, I'm trying to fucking quit!" This is where karma is a bitch. The last time work-friend tried to quit, I kinda teased him about it. So he starts taunting me with the smoking. And then...I started to cry! Then he felt really really bad and got all apologetic and I was more embarrassed and started to cry harder. I'm talking snot-sniveling, snorting crying.

But I made it through the rest of the day, albeit crying all day. I get home and am just shaking like crazy. I thought, okay, you can go buy a pack of smokes or you can just suck it up. I opted to suck it up and go and get a London Fog from the coffee shop. I'm driving there (still shaking) and just as I'm about to turn into the parking lot, I slide on black ice and do a full fucking 360 in my motherfucking car. I make into the parking lot without hitting anything but obviously now I'm shaking more and crying. I tell myself, just go inside and have your tea, it'll be okay. So I start walking in with a tear stained face, and low and fucking behold TS is sitting there...smoking. And I'm shaking and quite obviously had been crying and then the fucking tears start come again. So I make a mad dash to get inside. I get my tea and I calm down a little. I decided not to stay because I don't want to sit there and be upset about my almost accident, the shit that went on with TS, and not smoking (oh also, I looked like SHIT and didn't really want to be seen.) So I walk out, tea in hand, and TS stands up and walks up to me and says "what's going on? are you okay?" All I could choke out without crying was "No". Please keep in mind I'm still shaking like fucking crazy. And he says "come sit down and have a smoke." That was it! I was done with quitting.

So I had a smoke. The shaking stopped and I calmed down enough to thank him and say I'd best be going. He suggested I come with him to the pub but I said no thanks and left.

So where do I stand...perhaps I should have tried to cut back before I decided to quit. It's really hard to go from almost a pack a day to zero.

I'm truly ashamed

Kisses, Drunken Shenanigans, and Mystery Bruises

2009-01-01T18:18:00.001-08:00

The results of New Years Eve...drunken shenanigans. Twas a superb night to say the least. We arrived at the concert at around 11 which only gave us an hour to reach the desired level of inebriation. Obviously this meant that double-fisting the booze was necessary. So, like the classy bitches we are, we walked around with two drinks each.

The second band was playing when midnight started to approach. When the band announced that it was 11:55, I found myself in the line-up to get my next round of 2 drinks. BFF1 was standing with her crush, DB was standing next to Girl Version, I found myself in the best possible place for avoiding the 5th Wheel New Years Kiss Scenario. Also, there was no fucking way I was getting out of that goddamn line up. I had already waited for 20 or so minutes and was not leaving without booze. So the countdown begins and I'm watching BFF1 and her crush out of the corner of my eye (I was excited for her!) and when the everyone yells "Happy New Year!" Bff1 ran over and kissed me. I think this goes without saying (but maybe it doesn't), I'm not the girl that kisses girls for the sake of male attention...this kiss was simply a friend kiss and I appreciated the gesture. She did end up kissing her crush on the cheek after that, he definitely blushed and grinned.

So later on in the night, BFF1's crush was super drunk and suggested tequila shots. Since we were at a hall sorta thing, the bar at this place wasn't exactly stocked and they had run out of tequila. Our shot choices were gin, rum and whiskey. Whiskey was the winner and shots ensued. Quite a few shots ensued. Shortly after the shots; drinks were dropped, Drunk Amanda fell (so many times), snowball fights broke out, and we found a pizza place that was open! We ate pizza and I'm pretty sure it's the only reason I didn't feel like dying this morning.

So there it was, my New Years Eve all summed up into a few short paragraphs. All in all, good night! However, I woke up this morning with so many fucking bruises (probably from all the falling). Both of my knees are swollen and black, I have a few huge ones on my ass, one on my hip and many many more. I hate mystery bruises!

So now I'm sitting here, deciding that I was glad I didn't ditch them. Also, it was a good last hurrah before the booze ban. Oh and I've only had 2 smokes today (leftover from last night) and they were both this morning. I'm kind of going fucking crazy right now but I'm proud of myself for staying strong all day.

HAPPY 2009!

Happy New Years Eve!!!

2008-12-31T15:52:00.000-08:00

I feel like I should have something excellent to say to end off the year. But I don't. I've been considering the potential for the awkward New Years kiss moment. There's a good chance that I'll be kissless and DB will, of course, kiss Girl Version and BFF1 could possibly be kissing her man-crush. But who will Amanda kiss...a random? I'm not sure I want to kiss some random guy standing next to me, I think that's weird. I've decided that I'll probably make sure to go outside and smoke a few minutes before the count down. This could save me from potential awkwardness and embarrassment.

I am also really tired tonight and the idea of ditching everyone and going to bed super early. How fucked up is that? This is my first chance to actually party hard on New Years and it's also my last chance to party for a while so I should probably chug a red bull and get my ass in gear.

Sometimes Life Confuses Me

2008-12-30T19:19:00.001-08:00

I shouldn't be thinking about this, I should just be happy with what's going on, but I can't stop thinking about how all of a sudden I'm perfectly content. I mean a few weeks ago I wasn't just sad, I was fucking depressed. Now, I'm superbly happy. Its scaring me, to be perfectly honest. Will I wake up one Saturday morning to the reality of being alone? Will the depression come back just as suddenly as being content did? I know I shouldn't think about this and just be glad that I'm in a really good place right now but I can't help it.

I'd also like to add how awkward New Year's Eve is going to be. DB and the female version of him (they are officially dating again according to facebook) are going to be there and BFF1 and her love-interest are going to be there. I'm going to feel very 5th wheelish. We'll see how it goes. I will, of course, post the results of the evening.

Ya, I know this was kind of a boring post but I'm bored and not feeling creative today.

Huzzah!

2008-12-29T17:18:00.000-08:00

It's been almost two weeks since my last post and I'm still feeling really good about being single. It's insane. Maybe it's because it's New Year's resolution time but I'm so focused on myself right now that the idea of 'man' is just not that enticing.

So...here's my goals for next year:

1. Be Fit! I want to be able to say that I'm fit and active. So my starting out point for this is to go to the gym regularly. By regularly I mean 3-4 times a week. This will increase my current gym time by...well, 3-4 times a week.

2. Be able to run a 10km. So obviously this is going to take some training and isn't going to happen lickitysplit, but I've found a training program and I am going to work hard to do it.

3. Quit smoking. SAY WHAT?! Ya...we're gonna give it a go after New Years. We'll see if this one sticks though.

4. If money isn't an issue (it shouldn't be if I stick with goal 3) join a kickboxing class. And I'm not talking cardio kickboxing, which sounds awesome though, I'm talking full on kick ass kickboxing.

5. Stick to my budget!

I did really well this year with my diet (even though I'm up 4lbs since last weigh in, due to holiday treats) my exercise has been lacking, especially these last few months. So that's what I'm concentrating on. I've also made up a budget for the next year so that I can pay off some school debt and start putting money back into my savings account.

Also, as of January 2nd I'm doing a No Booze challenge (bet) with a friend. So no booze from Jan 2nd - Mar 2nd. I'm really looking forward to this, mostly because it will tame down the drunken one nighters.

WTF Happened?!

2008-12-17T15:23:00.001-08:00

What the hell happened between last week and this week? All of a sudden, I'm like, "YAY! I'm single!" Excuse me? Wasn't I whining last week about how I needed someone in my life? Not this week apparently. This week is Amanda Empowerment Week and I'm totally stoked to be single. I just want to make this clear, I'm not stoked about being single just because, if I really wanted to, I could go and fuck every guy I saw, or even flirt with guys. It has nothing to do with guys. I'm more excited about the fact that, in general, my year+ of being single has brought a lot of amazing things in my life.

I've gained a lot of self esteem. No, I'm not talking about me thinking that I'm hot shit and can get any guy I want. I realized, after analyzing every aspect of my past relationship, that I'm not a worthless cunt ('scuse the language) and that I'm worthy of being loved and being treated with respect.

I've had a year of fun. Obviously, I've had some hard times but in general, this last year has been a lot of fun. I've spent time with my girlfriends, made new friends and gone out and done things I couldn't have done when I was with my ex.

I started school! And I've done really really well this first semester.

My life has been so much better and I guess sometimes I forget that. Am I lonely? Yes, I am. I miss affection and intimacy. I miss waking up beside someone. I miss holding hands and having late night discussions. I miss a lot of things that are involved with a relationship. But it doesn't matter anymore. I am able to survive without these things. I will hold out for someone that is worth my time. My happiness shouldn't depend on someone else. And I'm not going to let it anymore.

Maybe a new "name" is in order

2008-12-14T11:17:00.000-08:00

So last night I planned to hang out with one of my very best friends (we'll call her BFF1). We go to the coffee shop to get some tea and she calls her love interest (who is DB's very best friend) to see what he is up to. The 3 of us plan to go to the movies. We are on our way to pick him up when my girly gets a call from the one and only DB and tells us to go out to the city to this bar for a concert. Since none of us were that keen on going to the movies anyways, we drive the hour+ to this pub.

DB shows up with his pseudo girlfriend (or perhaps they're just fucking, they were dating at one point but who the fuck knows what's going on now) shortly we arrived sporting his new blue mohawk. Okay, the blue mohawk thing was HOT when I was 16 but now he kinda looks a little goofy. I make nice with his girlfriend, who looks JUST LIKE HIM! and to top it off, she has the exact same mannerisms, voice (although slightly higher) and obnoxiousness to her. She's also very sweet and we got on quite well. Anyways, pseudo girlfriend goes off to hang out with her friends and BFF1 and her crush start having their usual in depth conversation that no one is allowed to interrupt. So DB and I start chatting. He was being such a nice guy last night. He thoroughly surprised me. There was no insulting or glaring or teasing even. It was all good. Not back to normal but I think we are getting there. We made plans to hang out on Christmas (go to Denny's, drink tea and eat pie...that's what we did last yr) and he invited me to a concert on New Years. Whether I go or not is up in the air, we'll see how he acts between now and then.

All in all, a good night. I haven't had a GOOD night in a long time. I love that I was mostly sober and still had an amazing time. I also love that DB didn't force me to be cranky and bitchy.

So...dare I rename him? I'm probably jumping the gun a little. DB will remain DB at least a little while longer.

Things I hate!

2008-12-11T17:14:00.000-08:00

I'm in a pissy mood today, so no better time to tell you about all the things I hate.

1. When my brother is cranky and treats me like I'm still his annoying 14 yr old sister. HELLOOOO! I'm your annoying 22 yr old sister now...at least give me that.

2. When people promise to help you out with something but never follow through.

3. Boys

4. Hangovers

5. Tummy aches from eating too much pizza at work

6. When people insist you call them at a certain time but are not there when you call

7. When I go to the local coffee hang and they make my London Fog crappy.

8. My cat knocking my book in the toilet

9. People that look at me weird when I'm singing in my car. WTF?! Everyone does it douchebag!

10. The fact that my couch smells kinda funny right now and I'm not really sure why

11. The fact that I'm poor and can no longer afford a housekeeper and so I'm sitting here amongst the seemingly endless array of diet coke cans and random papers.

12. Getting paid tomorrow when I need groceries today!

13. Boys (wait did I say that already?)

14. People that shun me for my smoking. Ya I know it's gross. I don't blow it in your face, or light one up in your car/home but if you're in my car and I light one up don't lecture me and drive your fucking self next time.

15. How girls tend to get way more noticeably drunk than boys do.

16. Douchebaggery

17. Smart Assery when I'm not in the mood

18. Feeling like I need a relationship to be happy. FUCK!

19. Really crappy ass music that gets stuck in your head (ya know how many times I found myself singing Mariah Carey today? Too many times. Thanks Work Radio)

20. Boys that try to trick girls into admitting they masturbate and then act shocked and appalled when they do admit it. I realize that the reaction is most likely due to the attempt at hiding the fact that they are turned on by the thought, but still, let's lay it on the table...GIRLS MASTURBATE JUST AS MUCH AS BOYS! and in my case, probably more.

Weekly Weigh In

2008-12-07T11:43:00.000-08:00

This morning I weighed in at 128! Excellent! AND that's including my Friday night of binge drinking. I'm happy.

Le Sigh

2008-12-06T09:04:00.000-08:00

Well I'm officially writing TS off as an FWB. I went to the pub last night and wasn't in a decent mood. TS was there, as was a crush of mine (no one worth "naming" as I have no chance in hell with him and he comes with baggage so despite the crush I don't even know if I'd follow through with him even if I had the opportunity) and about a million other people. TS played the avoidance game most of the night. I drank angrily most of the night and stared longingly at crush. TS and I did happen to meet up outside at one point and chatted for a minute. He asked how I was getting home, I said I'd walk. He said that was silly, I should take a cab. I said I'd walk (I like walking and it really isn't that far). I then implied that I needed to get laid. Actually I'm pretty sure I was drunk enough to just come out and say I needed to get laid, there was no implying there. We made out for like 10 seconds and then he said "no can do". And left. WTF?! I HATE MEN!

I'm taking a hiatus from the search for FWB, I don't need another notch on my bedpost and once the initial euphoria of glorious sex wears off, I do tend to feel like absolute shit about myself.

I need to move the fuck out of this goddamn town. There are no decent men here.

Weekly Weigh In

2008-12-01T19:23:00.000-08:00

Still the same! fuck you scale. I'm going to the gym tomorrow damnit

At Home on a Friday Night

2008-11-28T21:15:00.000-08:00

I feel like everything is just crashing down around me. They're doing mass lay offs at work right now and I'm just waiting until my time comes. It's so stressful. I heard that they only gave the employees 5 minutes to pack up and leave. 5 fucking minutes! Some of them have been with the company for over 20 yrs. Everyone in my department has started to pack up their desks so that they can use their 5 minutes to say good bye. Every day has brought me tears because I'm so scared of having to say goodbye...which I believe is inevitable.

So I'm stressed from work, and then these little things are being thrown at me all the time and I don't know how to go on. I'm feeling very down right now. It's times like these that I want a relationship, just someone to give me a hug and tell me that it's going to be okay. I feel like a goof even typing this, I hate needing people. But I'll admit it, I need someone right now, and I really don't have anyone. Le sigh

My Needs

2008-11-25T21:16:00.000-08:00

So I was thinking about what I needed in a guy (relationship-wise) and what my deal breakers are...so here's the start of the list. Keep in mind, things can (and probably will) be added, removed or altered at anytime I see fit.

Amanda's Top 10 Needs (most of them are emotional/mental/personality type thing. I'm not a shallow person. I appreciate a hot guy but it's not necessary, if I like your personality you are officially hot in my books)
1. Make me laugh. It's not as easy as you think.

2. Ambition. I want a guy that's got ambition to do something with his life. Even if he doesn't know what the fuck it is yet, he's just gotta have some ideas. Double points if he does know and is in some way working towards that.

3. Responsible...for the most part.

4. Appreciates a good lazy night/day. I really don't want a guy that wants to be on the run or partying all the time; I want someone that will watch movie upon movie with me on an occasional Friday and not feel like he's been jipped.

5. SEX! I need someone that's on the same sex-page as me. I don't want once a week sex; I want spontaneous sex and lots of it. Come home from work and push me up against a wall sex, wake me up in the middle of the night sex, call in sick to work and fuck all day sex...okay, you get the point. I just don't want "well it's Wednesday, day of sex, better shave/bathe and put on the sexy underwear and grin and bear it for 7 minutes" kinda sex.

6. Honesty - this one is obvious.

7. Has the ability to apologize. Seriously, if you're gonna be an ass (which of course you are entitled to occasionally) at least recognize and apologize for it (sincerely).

8. Know that I will not apologize for something I'm not sorry for (*ahem* calling you out on being an ass). That's right, I'm tough as nails.

9. Accept that despite my tough as nails personality, I will cry at silly commercials, shows and movies. I enjoy stupid teen drama series and girly teen movies. Deal with it, I'm not going to make you watch it, I just expect that you won't tease me about it (at least not in public). I will accept your love of martial arts, war and stupid action flicks in return.

10. Just accept me for who I am. Don't try to change me, I won't try to change you.

Part 2 (probably tomorrow) will be my list of needs in a Friend with Benefits and my list of Deal Breakers.

Weekly Weigh In

2008-11-24T16:50:00.000-08:00

So my weekly weigh in this week produced no change. This makes sense as I spent all of Saturday night drinking mass amounts of Arbor Mist (for those who don't know what it is, it's an ultra classy $6 bottle of fruit wine. It tastes like juice, and I drink it like juice and then all of a sudden BAM! Drunk Amanda makes an appearance).

I'll work extra hard this week on my eating and hopefully we'll see a change at the next weigh in.

What a disappointment!

2008-11-22T14:34:00.001-08:00

Well, without going into too much detail, last night was a serious disappointment. Anti-climatic in more ways than one. I didn't even see TS. super sadface.

However...I did run into TS this morning at the local coffee hang out and we had coffee together. It was nice. This is the second sober coffee we've had together. I think that perhaps, just perhaps this whole TS thing is a bad idea in general. Because of our sober hang outs, I could definitely see myself falling for him and that has the potential for some major heartbreak. And god knows I can't handle more heartbreak. Well I could but I don't want it to be in the name of getting laid (albeit a great lay.)

This is all said by Sober Amanda, Drunk Amanda may have a totally different perspective; we shall see!

Stay tuned!

Waiting

2008-11-21T14:15:00.000-08:00

So I took my new pants (size 9 WOOT) to get hemmed today. Just a simple pair of gray straight leg jeans that will go lovely with my chucks. I'm just kinda waiting around for the tailor to call.

Tonight is the Christmas tree lighting in the middle of down town. Okay, here's something that I'm sure people will bitch about but I HATE Christmas before Christmas. "Christmas" time means Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing day. The only Christmas thing I don't mind talking about before then is Christmas presents (what to buy for people etc). But in the middle of November, I don't give a flying fuck about Christmas. I hate Christmas music, I don't decorate a tree, I don't want to put a fucking wreath on my front door.

But I digress, I am going to this stupid tree lighting with some friends because it's TS's birthday and the Tree is right by the pub. I'm hoping that's where everyone'll end up and later I hope to have TS in my bed for some birthday fun. We'll see how it goes. I'm crossing my fingers!

According to one of the blogs I happened to come across, I've broken almost every rule to the Fuck Buddy Rules. Well I don't even know if I can count TS as a fuck buddy. 2 random hook ups does not a fuck buddy make. If this becomes regular (and if I hook up with him tonight, I fully intend on asking him if it's going to be regular) I guess I have to start following the rules. But but but I like cuddling. *sigh*

What a random post.

An apology? what?

2008-11-19T21:51:00.000-08:00

So I was online, checking my facebook and I happened to change my facebook status to something about having to go to the dentist tomorrow and all of a sudden I get an IM from none other than...DB. weird. He says "nervous about the dentist?" small talk proceeds and then randomly he says this:

"sorry I was such a dick the other night." my response was, "whatever." not in a "WHAT-Everrrr" kinda way, in more of a "whatever, no biggie" kinda way. And then he says "I've been really fucked up lately and treated you like shit, so I'm sorry and I hope you can accept my apology". hmmmmmmmmmmmmm I'm not sure. It's not like I was in love with the guy when we slept together, it was just that we were really good friends and I think that what he did was really disrespectful to me. I mean, he does that to all the girls he sleeps with so I don't know why I expected anything different but for some reason I did.

I just changed the subject I didn't mention whether or not I accepted his apology.

*sigh* what to do, what to do?

What the fuck is wrong with me?!

2008-11-18T21:49:00.001-08:00

So I'm sitting in class tonight trying to pay attention and all I can think about is sex. Not just "make love" kinda sex, like crazy dirty sex. And the girl that sits beside me said to me with this creepy confused look, "hehe what are you grinning about?" *blush* "nothing, just thinking about something funny that happened today" *blush*

What is wrong with me?! I mean obviously nothing, I know everyone thinks about sex but I was thinking about it in a way that almost made me have to go to the bathroom on our break to take care of myself.

This is a sure sign of the need to get laid. I mean I'm alright without sex for a long period of time, but since I've had sex recently, that's all I can fucking think about. WHY IS THIS SO FUCKING HARD?

I'm crossing my fingers that I run into TS this weekend. Hell, I'd settle for DB or even Blue and his atrocious sex right at the moment. As long as I get laid, I'll be happy.

Ugh looks like I need a new "name"

2008-11-17T16:51:00.001-08:00

So my first lover since the ex and I broke up (ya the "friend" that gave me a night of extreme pleasure and then never called) is moving back to town and I've run into him 3 more times. We have a billion mutual friends and it looks like I'll be awkwardly seeing much more of him. So I will dub him DB (for Douchebag ha!)

Even before the night of lovin' I've always been incredibly mean to him. Not that he's an angel back to me but we bicker and call each other names. I didn't mind this when there were sexual comments in between the name calling but now there's just name calling and meanness between us. It's really no fun.

On another note...Saturday left me emotionally drained. I was feeling quite anxious all day and by the time I got home from coffee with a friend I was headed for a mental fucking break down. Fuck! I needed to call my sister-in-law to let her know that our Sunday plans were not going to happen as I needed to work on a paper, and before I knew it I was balling my fucking eyes out on the phone. I am pretty sure, in that moment, I gave up completely on life in general. Had I died in my sleep and not woken up Sunday morning, I wouldn't have complained. Thankfully, my sis-in-law (from now on, I will refer to her as Sis) came over and talked me down from my craziness.

Sometimes I ignore the anxiety, sadness, loneliness etc., all week and then it manifests itself into these major mental breakdowns. I wonder why I don't have a boyfriend sometimes and then I remember...Oh ya, you're a fucking nut job!

I'm feeling somewhat better as of today. I'm less anxious but still feeling a little "give up-y" but I know that is just left over from whatever the fuck happened on Saturday.

I'm exhausted.

Weekly Weigh In

2008-11-16T13:07:00.000-08:00

I weighed in at 131lbs this morning. My weight goal I guess is around 115lbs (I'm only 5ft tall). This is just a random number that seemed healthy (according to BMI charts and shit) and "normal". If I get to 120lbs and I'm happy with how I look then I'll move into a maintenance mode. If I get to 115lbs and I'm not happy then it's probably because I've been slacking with resistance training and I'll need someone to give me a good kick in the ass.

Random Thoughts

2008-11-15T11:39:00.000-08:00

So last night I was watching TV and there was a commercial for the McRib sandwich. Watching that commercial made my stomach turn. It looks like someone put dogshit in a bun.

Also, I have an unrealistic fear of getting lock jaw while giving a blowjob. I wonder if there is a medical/scientific term for this kind of phobia

My Top 10 Loves

2008-11-14T15:52:00.000-08:00

Top 10 Loves!

10. Chuck Taylors

9. Massages!

8. Mike Oldfield – Tubular Bells. This cd is probably one of my favorites. I can listen to it in any mood and it has the necessary effect, it’s also the perfect length for a nap

7. Eyebrow threading.

6. Tattoos love 'em on me, on guys, the pain…everything about 'em

5. Curling up with a good book and cup of tea

4. Making out…just making out (okay a little boob grab is fine) I hate that boys automatically go for the goods now instead of wanting to make out for hours until your lips are numb

3. My purple sheets –so soft and silky (without being silk). Downside…they are dark purple, and drool (*ahem* or other fluids) shows up so badly.

2. Camping

1. Spooning…including falling asleep in each others arms. The love of spooning only works if the male falls asleep in spooning position, moves into non-spooning position at some point during the night (otherwise I wake up hot and sweaty) and then spoons me again in the morning. Okay I’m particular, but it’s not too much to ask damnit!

The Background Story

2008-11-12T20:17:00.000-08:00

I guess I just want to share the awesomeness and hellishness (ya I make up my own words) of being in my early 20's and single. Oh did I mention I'm overweight? Throw that into the mix and you've got some seriously interesting stories.

So here's my background. My name is Amanda and I was in a relationship for over four years (17yrs old to 21) with a guy I met in high school. He was two years older than me and we had some fun times together but some seriously bad times together. At the end of our relationship I realized that he was actually emotionally abusive. I've been single now for just over a year. Do I love it? No. I love not being with him, but I don't love being single.

After the break up though it was like...SURPRISE! YOU ARE FAT! Where did this weight come from? How did I not notice it? After a sob-worthy step on the scale, I realized I had about 40lbs to lose. So I joined a forum that was specifically about living a healthy lifestyle. I'm not on some crazy fad diet. I just try to eat healthy, well balanced meals. I also exercise. Okay, I don't exercise anymore because I'm feeling really lazy right now, but I have every intention of starting up again. I promise. I've lost 20lbs so far and have 20 to go. Some of you might think, 20 is nothing but when you hold 20lbs of fat in your gut, it's something, trust me. I don't want to be too skinny, I'm happy being a curvaceous babe; I have tits and an ass, and I'd like to keep them for fuck's sake (I swear a lot too!).

And now to go in a completely different direction - my year of promiscuity. In the past year, I've been with 3 guys. One was a lovely friend of mine, it was discussed beforehand (sober) and there were no feelings involved. Seems like the perfect friends with benefit right? (oh did I mention, he was HUNG like nobodies business!?) NOPE, even though we've been friends for years and there's always been a sexual energy between us (read inappropriate jokes about fucking each other), he decided to be a complete ass and not call me after that. I recently ran into him and it was AWWWWKWARD!

Months and months after my night of unbelievable sex with my "friend," I started to have feelings for a guy, let's call him Blue (cuz he has purdy blue eyes *swoon*). Blue and I have a number of mutual friends but one in particular who we are both very close with. I happened to comment on my feelings towards him to our friend. She thought she'd do something about this and asked him how he felt about me. His respone (according to her) was that I was a "babe" and I had kick ass taste in music and seemed really cool and wanted to get to know me better. This sounds promising...until our first night of attempting to get to know each other better. I am socially inept. Unless I've been drinking. So I start slamming the drinks. Next thing I know, we are making out on his balcony and he's asking if I want to crash at his place that night. I think I slurred something back in attempts to sound sexy but it probably was seriously unattractive. After everyone left that night, we proceeded to his bedroom where we had some of the worst sex known to man. Seriously, TERRIBLE! He had some potential in the bedroom as he was gentle and sweet but I was DRUNK and HORNY and wanted to get laid. Don't caress my face when you should be slapping my ass buddy! Anyways...next morning was awkward. I had to do the walk of shame, as I was too drunk the night before to realize his brother decided to crash in his living room and quite possibly heard me faking it all night long. *Shudder* And the end to this story is that after sleeping with me, he broke my heart by telling me he isn't ready for a relationship. ASS! Blue and I have actually become pretty good friends, I don't hate him anymore that's for sure but definitely still sits on the Top Five List of Douchebags.

And on to number 3. Number 3 is recent. I decided perhaps I didn't want a relationship and should just concentrate on getting some lovin'. So I go to this party (Blue's party actually) and I meet this guy, TS is what we will call him, and even though I just met him I decided he was going to be my lover for the night. And love me he did. Oh boy did he ever. Nice work TS, seriously I applaud you. The following weekend, I run into TS again. We hook up again. YES! And we've exchanged numbers with a few text msgs in between. My goal for TS is for him to become more than a drunken hook up buddy and be a regular hook up buddy (drunk and sober). So right now I'm crossing my fingers that TS will pan out to be what I need him to be. I still have some interest for Blue though. But those feelings are fading.

So that is the background of the 20 something single girl with a bit of weight to lose. My blog is going to be about my weight loss and the trials and tribulations that is my sex/single life.