FWB Finally! Or maybe not!

How many blog posts will I write but never post? Apparently 14. I have written 14 posts that never were posted. They were filled with boring shit for the most part. Definitely nothing really worth posting. But I'll try to catch up since the last time I wrote (and posted).

I went out on a few dates. One of the guys I really wanted to like...he was cute, nice, and totally loaded. I'm talking a ridiculous amount of money...enough that he doesn't have to work but chooses to because he simply doesn't want to sit at home all day and do nothing. I realize that wanting to like him because he's loaded isn't really the "right" thing to do but I'm going to be honest and say that my attraction to him grew after I found out about the money situation. That being said, we had sort of a group hang out date thing that was a total crash and burn kind of thing. Alright, I'm totally exaggerating...it definitely didn't crash and burn. I didn't do something stupid and embarassing and he wasn't some woman beating asshole or anything but there was quite obviously not ever going to be a spark between us. So friends it is. Man, it woulda been nice to be spoiled rotten though. I can picture it now...me rolling in mounds of diamonds while my personal chef cooks me up something fabulous and I take sips from my beer fountain. A girl can dream, right?

On to boy numero deux...I use the term boy for a reason. He's a year younger than me which really wouldn't bother me...but he's incredibly immature. Here's the issue...I can handle immaturity but his lifestyle and past lifestyle isn't exactly something I can deal with. He didn't have a stable home growing up - blah blah blah - drugs - blah blah blah - foster homes - blah blah blah but he's good as far as drugs go now. He definitely makes up for his anti-drugs with mass amounts of drinking. I'm cool with drinking. I am not cool with obnoxious, drunken shenanigans. Drunken shenanigans - good...obnoxious, rowdy, and sometimes offensive drunken shenanigans - bad. That bad kinda shenanigans is what goes on when he gets good and drunk. Not my thing. This being said, it's not like I dislike him. I have a ton of fun with him when we soberly go out and do things. Like he tried to teach me how to skateboard the one day and it was rad...I could see myself being good friends with him (for when I needed some random cheer me up time or something) but definitely not girlfriend/boyfriend. Ok so what, right? Welllllll...before we even really hung out there was a lot of sexual discussion which kind of led me to believe he was more interested in a FWB sort of thing (which is what I've been looking for all along!) so when we did hang out...I was immediately cool with taking my pants off (after a few drinks, at least.) The sex was pretty amazing. He definitely knows how to work me. He's also fabulous to sleep with. I think finding a good sleeping parnter is hard. There's the guys like my ex who kick and snore. DB who would like scream in his sleep. Hands who smothered the hell outta me. And then there's Boy 2 who mixes a small but nice amount of snuggling time with rolling over and sleeping time. I woke up the next day thinking that perhaps I had finally found a FWB. My hopes had gotten even higher after he had text me a few dirty msgs the next day. We then met up and fucked for hours. Weird though...that guy doesn't like blowjobs. Not at all...and he's not super fond of handjobs either. I'm like "are you just saying that so we can just get down to the fucking?" His response was that he really just didn't find it that enjoyable and that it has nothing to do with hurrying up and getting to the sex. Which he proved to me by spending a good 45 minutes simply pleasuring me. So I thought, as a FWB thing - I could definitely handle this and not let it weird me out too much. And so I left shortly after that, feeling pretty fabulous and excited that I may have finally found what I was lookin' for. I'm a moron though. Apparently he's looking to settle down and meet a nice girl that will be fully commited to him. I tried to explain to him that I wasn't going to be that person but that I'm still down for a good FWB type of relationship. He agreed...SWEET! Except that I'm not sure he realizes that this means no commitment has been made. He got all defensive when I told him I was staying the night in the city with one of my friends and texts me about 10 or 15 times a day...he calls me just to say "hi". So I think I'm gonna have to cut him loose. I just don't think it's gonna work...fuck. I really want to be selfish and just not care that I could be hurting his feelings but I've sort of been in his position before and I'd hate to see someone feet the way I felt.

And on a completely non-male front...I'm meeting with with a realtor tomorrow to discuss my options as far as buying a condo goes. It's exciting and terrifying all at the same time. I'm kind of nervous about the whole thing but I think it'll be good for me. I mean instead of throwing all my money away in rent, I figure at least this way it's an investment. Sure, I'll definitely have to cut some things out and tighten the purse strings a bit but I think it's fully do-able. I'm not in any rush so I'm going to be picky about what I want and not settle on something just for the sake of buying something.

So that's that...my last few weeks in a nutshell

Is there a sign that says "if you're emotionally unavailable, I want you?" hanging off my neck?

What is with my falling for emotionally unavailable guys?

So I start hanging out with that guy and we have that fabulous date night and I haven't heard from him since really. WTF?

I can't fucking deal with assholes like this anymore. I just want someone to tell me if they're not interested instead of just disappearing, cuz I can't handle the fucking disappearing act. Jesus fucking christ.

I'm sorry about your 3 hour long hard on...but I'm not doing anything about it

Huzzah! I'm alive. Sorry for the mini-blog-vacay but I needed a break. I know that sounds strange, but blogging about my life can sometimes be emotionally taxing. Anywho I'm back...with something to blog about for once.

Let's see...where to start. A while back (beginning of July I think) I took a week off work. During this week, I went up to my parent's summer condo with one of my best friends for the weekend. Oh the drunken tomfoolery that ensued. First of all, I went up there with a sprained ankle because of earlier
drunken tomfoolery. The weekend was great despite my sprained ankle...I did however have to wrap and ice it occasionally. We met up with some guys that were up there. They were younger but still cool. I got kinda flirty with one of them...he became my foot stool (ya know, had to keep that ankle elevated.) The boys decided to have a bonfire so on the way down the large set of cement steps to the fire pit I managed to miss a step and fall...re-spraining my already sprained ankle. This sucked! Except that it gave me an excuse to continue to use my new man-friend as a foot stool and that was nice. Eventually my ice pack got warm and my new man-friend suggested we go back to his condo to get me some ice. He piggy backed me all the way up the death stairs and back to his condo for ice. He asked "this deserves a hug ya?" Drunk Amanda replied, "Yaaaa, for sure!" So we hugged it out, and then all of a sudden we were making out. And then all of a sudden he was carrying me into the bedroom. The sex itself wasn't the greatest as far as orgasm potential but we had so much fun. Oh I totally love a good random sex night.

So that was that...as of late though, I've sort of met someone that has major boyfriend potential. We met on POF...sort of. He found me on POF and msged me, "you look familiar, how do I know you?" Turns out we have a ton of mutual friends. Anyways, we started talking on msn, he seemed really cool. We met up one night at a park to smoke a joint and I couldn't help but think about how friggin' cute he was. We talked some more and made "date" plans for a few nights later. Date night was a huge shock to me! He's a total metal head so I was really surprised to find that he's an absolute fucking gentleman. Opening car doors for me and such. Oh I was swooning, believe me. I was a little disappointed because all I got was a hug that night. Not a cuddle or a hand hold even. I really hate being a girl sometimes because my first thought when I got home was that he wasn't really interested because of the fact that he didn't try to put the moves on me but then we started talking on msn and we made a plan to go to the drive-in on the friday.

The drive-in was fucking amazing. I can't believe I've lived about 15 minutes away from it for so long and never gone! It's so neat...I can smoke and watch the movie all at the same time! We went to the 1:45am showing because he had gone to a football game earlier in the day and didn't think he'd get back into town until later. So at the movies, my mind was racing with thoughts about where I put my hand so he can try and hold it without looking really obvious and stuff. It was really really stupid. I hate dating, I hate having to think about stupid shit like that. Anyways though, I was sitting there getting really frustrated with myself because I just couldn't keep my mind on the movie and then all of a sudden he puts his arm around me and scooches over to cuddle up with me. We spent the entire movie just cuddling and laughing at the movie. He is a fantastic cuddler; he didn't just put his arm around me, he had his arm around me was rubbing my arm with his hand, and would rub my hand with free hand or push my hair out of my face. *swoon*

So we get back to my place at about 3:30ish in the morning and he asks if I want to smoke a joint, so we go up and have a beer, smoke a joint. We continue to cuddle up on the couch and throw in a movie. I got up for some reason, don't remember why and when I sat back down he kissed me. Have you ever looked at someone and thought to yourself "I bet they'd be a bad kisser and probably really bad in bed"? Well that was actually my first thought with him. Boy was I fucking wrong. He is, officially, the most amazing kisser. He uses just the tiny bit of tongue and does that sexy manly thing where they put their hand on the side of your face. So we start making out and he's blowing my fucking mind with his ability to kiss and I automatically want to strip down and fuck him. But I don't want to screw this up so in my head, I promised myself that as soon as he goes for my pants, I'm going to stop it and suggest it's getting late and that he go home. He never fucking went for my pants. We made out on my couch for like 3 hours. Finally, I was getting exhausted and I think he was too and he asked what time it was (oh about 6:45 in the morning) and he made a comment about how we're both going to be exhausted the next day. I told him he was welcome to crash with me but that I wasn't going to fuck him. He looked at my right in the eyes and said "I wasn't going to try, that's cool" so we went to bed and proceeded to make out and cuddle and sleep a tiny bit. I almost broke my promise to myself because when we really started making out I could tell he was going to be kinda rough in bed, which is a huge turn on. He'd bite my bottom lip occasionally and he'd put his hand through my hair and then slightly tug my hair to turn my head slightly. Oh man just thinking about it makes my girly parts tingle a little. I managed to stay strong though. Literally all that happened was that we made out, I felt bad that he spent almost the entire night with a huge fucking hard on and that he'd have no relief from me but he didn't seem bothered by it in the slightest.

So now I'm sitting here giddy, euphoric and swooning hard. Must stay strong. I've really wanted to have meaningful, intimate sex lately (probably from my last year and a half of slutting it up with randoms) so I'm going to wait with him. We'll see how long that lasts.

Here I am!

I'm back new and improved! Sort of. I have a pretty severely sprained ankle due to some awesome drunken shenanigans. God I love drunken shenanigans and the injuries that result from them.

So far the anti-anxiety/anti-depressants have been really helpful. I feel like I've gotten a bit better. I think the mood stabilizers have actually stabilized me a tad. Of course it's an accumulative drug so in another few weeks I'll be feeling the full effects.

I've been much more social than usual and much more spontaneous which is surprisingly awesome. I've always been the girl that writes lists and organizes all my time in a schedule so spontaneously getting my nose pierced was way out of the norm for me.

I'm also planning a trip to Europe next summer and even though it's a long ways a way, I'm beyond stoked about it!!

Day 2

So today is day 2 on my anti-depressants/anti-anxiety. Day 1 was fucking rough. At about 7:30 am I took the first pill...20 minutes later I was fighting the urge to vomit. After I ate some crackers, I felt a lot better. And then about 5 minutes after that I started to feel really fidgety. The fidgety turned into jittery pretty quickly. Through out the day it got progressively worse. I couldn't stop shaking. I couldn't concentrate on my computer for very long and I was so so antsy. About 3 anxiety attacks later, I called the pharmacist. "Oh the jittery feeling is a pretty common side effect. It should go away within a few days; if it doesn't go away, make an appointment with your doctor." I asked what else I can do because I can't handle a few days of this. She told me I can take half a pill for a few days so the uppers aren't such a huge shock on my body. So that was my plan for today...

But I wasn't sure if I could do it. I expected the jittery thing to be gone by bed time but it wasn't. I tossed and turned (and cried from frustration!) all night long. I decided I couldn't take my next pill because I couldn't handle this particular side effect. But I decided to give the half pill a shot because it couldn't have been worse than day 1.

It wasn't. The jittering was still there but not in a way I couldn't handle it. I also noticed some other side effects...yawning. I've been yawning all day and apparently that is a side effect. It's kind of weird. It's totally bearable but also a lot more uncomfortable than you'd imagine. I also keep clenching my teeth. So many fucking side effects.

So I don't know how I'll deal with it once I start taking whole pills again...we'll see

Tattoo!

It's all done, here's a few pics for you guys.

Here's a shot of the top side of my arm...the lady and a little bit of the lion



Here is the lion and the dragonfly



The underside of my arm



The flowers along the elbow (ouch!)



And the bottom part of my arm (another shot of the dragonfly and part of the lion)

There is no way in HELL I'm as crazy as you are, dude

So I had my appointment with Mental Health. I'm sitting in the waiting room and I can't help but notice everyone else in there. I glance to my left and there's a youngish guy sitting and filling out forms. He looked like a pretty normal dude, so probably going through the same kind of anxiety/depression I am...perhaps even depressed because he could be out of work due to the economy (of course he could have been some schizophrenic psychopath and I'd never know it.) Next is a girl that had a tiny little baby girl with her...perhaps some sort of post-partum depression. I noticed the guy to my right and he was pretty creepy looking and was picking at his arm scabs *shudder* Bored with people watching, I continued to fill out my forms.

As I was sitting there filling out my form, I heard the creepy guy constantly clearing his throat. After 5 minutes of listening to this guy clear his throat I couldn't help but look up. I glanced his way and he was like staring at me in the most creepy way. As soon as I looked at him he went "so...how's it going?" I gave him a bit of an odd look and said "fine, I guess." I looked back down and continued filling out my form. I think I shuddered a little with disgust. The guy just looked creepy. As I was filling out the part of the form that was about how you were referred, I couldn't help but giggled when I read "Court-ordered referral"...that creepy guy was so here because of a court order. Psycho!

I finished my forms and I was just waiting to be taken in and then I hear the guy start to clear his throat again. I can't help but glance up at this guy. I look at him and he was looking at me again and he said, "so what are you here for?" Excuse me? What the fuck! That is so beyond inappropriate; we're at mental health! I couldn't help but say "uhhh none of your business, dude." I said it as polite as possible, apparently I should have been far bitchier because the next thing that came out of his mouth was "I can't imagine this will take that long, what are you doing..." And then, thank fucking god, the lady came out and got me. As I walked away I was sure to give him the dirtiest look I could summon up. I could only assume he was going to ask me what I was doing afterward...not going anywhere near you, douchebag!

First off all, Mental Health is not the place to pick up chicks. Had we been in a coffee shop or something, I would have politely turned him down and pretended to be flattered. But we weren't in a coffee shop, we were at Mental Fucking Health! This kind of brings me to my next point, had we been in a coffee shop and he hit on me he still would have been far too creeptastic looking to even consider. I'm a firm believer that if you look creepy chances are you are creepy. I just couldn't believe it.

And for an update on the mental health front...my psychologist suggested I do a mixture of medication, counseling, and group therapy (group? WTF?) I'm going to be open minded about medication because obviously what I was doing before wasn't working. It's going to take me a little while to get used to the idea of group though. It just weirds me out.

I have to pee...

that is all.

Fucking Finally!

After a very long waitlist, I've finally got an appointment with Mental Health (Thursday.) I'm sort of conflicted about how I feel about it. Part of me thinks that I just need to suck it up and deal with it. That it's not as bad as I make it out to be and that its my own fault because I've been digging myself in a hole of loneliness because I'm isolating myself. The other part of me thinks that my isolating myself is just a symptom of my depression/anxiety. That I need to consider the fact that perhaps my anxiety and depression is something beyond "normal" and that just because I have the occasional good day it doesn't mean that I'm not deserving or justified in seeking help.

I'll keep you all updated.

Cross your fingers that my counselor isn't sexy, I don't want him to see me cry if he is!

P.S. Currently looking for a new job because I hate my job with such a passion and I don't think that it's aiding in the depression/anxiety.

Tis my day of birth

Happy birthday to me! So far, it's been pretty lame. I mean not lame, just a usual Monday. I did take today off work and was surprised by one of my very best friends making me cupcakes (which I've eaten 4 of already!)

I miss birthday parties. Not go out to the pub or a club and getting drunk parties, I mean old school parties. With goody bags, and What Time Is It Mr. Wolf, and birthday cakes shaped like bunnies that Mom's make. I miss being a kid!