Happy New Years Eve!!!

I feel like I should have something excellent to say to end off the year. But I don't. I've been considering the potential for the awkward New Years kiss moment. There's a good chance that I'll be kissless and DB will, of course, kiss Girl Version and BFF1 could possibly be kissing her man-crush. But who will Amanda kiss...a random? I'm not sure I want to kiss some random guy standing next to me, I think that's weird. I've decided that I'll probably make sure to go outside and smoke a few minutes before the count down. This could save me from potential awkwardness and embarrassment.

I am also really tired tonight and the idea of ditching everyone and going to bed super early. How fucked up is that? This is my first chance to actually party hard on New Years and it's also my last chance to party for a while so I should probably chug a red bull and get my ass in gear.

Sometimes Life Confuses Me

I shouldn't be thinking about this, I should just be happy with what's going on, but I can't stop thinking about how all of a sudden I'm perfectly content. I mean a few weeks ago I wasn't just sad, I was fucking depressed. Now, I'm superbly happy. Its scaring me, to be perfectly honest. Will I wake up one Saturday morning to the reality of being alone? Will the depression come back just as suddenly as being content did? I know I shouldn't think about this and just be glad that I'm in a really good place right now but I can't help it.

I'd also like to add how awkward New Year's Eve is going to be. DB and the female version of him (they are officially dating again according to facebook) are going to be there and BFF1 and her love-interest are going to be there. I'm going to feel very 5th wheelish. We'll see how it goes. I will, of course, post the results of the evening.

Ya, I know this was kind of a boring post but I'm bored and not feeling creative today.

Huzzah!

It's been almost two weeks since my last post and I'm still feeling really good about being single. It's insane. Maybe it's because it's New Year's resolution time but I'm so focused on myself right now that the idea of 'man' is just not that enticing.

So...here's my goals for next year:

1. Be Fit! I want to be able to say that I'm fit and active. So my starting out point for this is to go to the gym regularly. By regularly I mean 3-4 times a week. This will increase my current gym time by...well, 3-4 times a week.

2. Be able to run a 10km. So obviously this is going to take some training and isn't going to happen lickitysplit, but I've found a training program and I am going to work hard to do it.

3. Quit smoking. SAY WHAT?! Ya...we're gonna give it a go after New Years. We'll see if this one sticks though.

4. If money isn't an issue (it shouldn't be if I stick with goal 3) join a kickboxing class. And I'm not talking cardio kickboxing, which sounds awesome though, I'm talking full on kick ass kickboxing.

5. Stick to my budget!

I did really well this year with my diet (even though I'm up 4lbs since last weigh in, due to holiday treats) my exercise has been lacking, especially these last few months. So that's what I'm concentrating on. I've also made up a budget for the next year so that I can pay off some school debt and start putting money back into my savings account.

Also, as of January 2nd I'm doing a No Booze challenge (bet) with a friend. So no booze from Jan 2nd - Mar 2nd. I'm really looking forward to this, mostly because it will tame down the drunken one nighters.

WTF Happened?!

What the hell happened between last week and this week? All of a sudden, I'm like, "YAY! I'm single!" Excuse me? Wasn't I whining last week about how I needed someone in my life? Not this week apparently. This week is Amanda Empowerment Week and I'm totally stoked to be single. I just want to make this clear, I'm not stoked about being single just because, if I really wanted to, I could go and fuck every guy I saw, or even flirt with guys. It has nothing to do with guys. I'm more excited about the fact that, in general, my year+ of being single has brought a lot of amazing things in my life.

I've gained a lot of self esteem. No, I'm not talking about me thinking that I'm hot shit and can get any guy I want. I realized, after analyzing every aspect of my past relationship, that I'm not a worthless cunt ('scuse the language) and that I'm worthy of being loved and being treated with respect.

I've had a year of fun. Obviously, I've had some hard times but in general, this last year has been a lot of fun. I've spent time with my girlfriends, made new friends and gone out and done things I couldn't have done when I was with my ex.

I started school! And I've done really really well this first semester.

My life has been so much better and I guess sometimes I forget that. Am I lonely? Yes, I am. I miss affection and intimacy. I miss waking up beside someone. I miss holding hands and having late night discussions. I miss a lot of things that are involved with a relationship. But it doesn't matter anymore. I am able to survive without these things. I will hold out for someone that is worth my time. My happiness shouldn't depend on someone else. And I'm not going to let it anymore.

Maybe a new "name" is in order

So last night I planned to hang out with one of my very best friends (we'll call her BFF1). We go to the coffee shop to get some tea and she calls her love interest (who is DB's very best friend) to see what he is up to. The 3 of us plan to go to the movies. We are on our way to pick him up when my girly gets a call from the one and only DB and tells us to go out to the city to this bar for a concert. Since none of us were that keen on going to the movies anyways, we drive the hour+ to this pub.

DB shows up with his pseudo girlfriend (or perhaps they're just fucking, they were dating at one point but who the fuck knows what's going on now) shortly we arrived sporting his new blue mohawk. Okay, the blue mohawk thing was HOT when I was 16 but now he kinda looks a little goofy. I make nice with his girlfriend, who looks JUST LIKE HIM! and to top it off, she has the exact same mannerisms, voice (although slightly higher) and obnoxiousness to her. She's also very sweet and we got on quite well. Anyways, pseudo girlfriend goes off to hang out with her friends and BFF1 and her crush start having their usual in depth conversation that no one is allowed to interrupt. So DB and I start chatting. He was being such a nice guy last night. He thoroughly surprised me. There was no insulting or glaring or teasing even. It was all good. Not back to normal but I think we are getting there. We made plans to hang out on Christmas (go to Denny's, drink tea and eat pie...that's what we did last yr) and he invited me to a concert on New Years. Whether I go or not is up in the air, we'll see how he acts between now and then.

All in all, a good night. I haven't had a GOOD night in a long time. I love that I was mostly sober and still had an amazing time. I also love that DB didn't force me to be cranky and bitchy.

So...dare I rename him? I'm probably jumping the gun a little. DB will remain DB at least a little while longer.

Things I hate!

I'm in a pissy mood today, so no better time to tell you about all the things I hate.

1. When my brother is cranky and treats me like I'm still his annoying 14 yr old sister. HELLOOOO! I'm your annoying 22 yr old sister now...at least give me that.

2. When people promise to help you out with something but never follow through.

3. Boys

4. Hangovers

5. Tummy aches from eating too much pizza at work

6. When people insist you call them at a certain time but are not there when you call

7. When I go to the local coffee hang and they make my London Fog crappy.

8. My cat knocking my book in the toilet

9. People that look at me weird when I'm singing in my car. WTF?! Everyone does it douchebag!

10. The fact that my couch smells kinda funny right now and I'm not really sure why

11. The fact that I'm poor and can no longer afford a housekeeper and so I'm sitting here amongst the seemingly endless array of diet coke cans and random papers.

12. Getting paid tomorrow when I need groceries today!

13. Boys (wait did I say that already?)

14. People that shun me for my smoking. Ya I know it's gross. I don't blow it in your face, or light one up in your car/home but if you're in my car and I light one up don't lecture me and drive your fucking self next time.

15. How girls tend to get way more noticeably drunk than boys do.

16. Douchebaggery

17. Smart Assery when I'm not in the mood

18. Feeling like I need a relationship to be happy. FUCK!

19. Really crappy ass music that gets stuck in your head (ya know how many times I found myself singing Mariah Carey today? Too many times. Thanks Work Radio)

20. Boys that try to trick girls into admitting they masturbate and then act shocked and appalled when they do admit it. I realize that the reaction is most likely due to the attempt at hiding the fact that they are turned on by the thought, but still, let's lay it on the table...GIRLS MASTURBATE JUST AS MUCH AS BOYS! and in my case, probably more.

Weekly Weigh In

This morning I weighed in at 128! Excellent! AND that's including my Friday night of binge drinking. I'm happy.

Le Sigh

Well I'm officially writing TS off as an FWB. I went to the pub last night and wasn't in a decent mood. TS was there, as was a crush of mine (no one worth "naming" as I have no chance in hell with him and he comes with baggage so despite the crush I don't even know if I'd follow through with him even if I had the opportunity) and about a million other people. TS played the avoidance game most of the night. I drank angrily most of the night and stared longingly at crush. TS and I did happen to meet up outside at one point and chatted for a minute. He asked how I was getting home, I said I'd walk. He said that was silly, I should take a cab. I said I'd walk (I like walking and it really isn't that far). I then implied that I needed to get laid. Actually I'm pretty sure I was drunk enough to just come out and say I needed to get laid, there was no implying there. We made out for like 10 seconds and then he said "no can do". And left. WTF?! I HATE MEN!

I'm taking a hiatus from the search for FWB, I don't need another notch on my bedpost and once the initial euphoria of glorious sex wears off, I do tend to feel like absolute shit about myself.

I need to move the fuck out of this goddamn town. There are no decent men here.

Weekly Weigh In

Still the same! fuck you scale. I'm going to the gym tomorrow damnit