We skipped the dating process

So last night...well I don't remember much of it. I get to the pub and I'm meeting Geoff (ya, we're just going to use his real name) there and when I walk in BFF1 and DB's girlfriend are there. This is bad news. DB's girlfriend drinks heavily and she definitely had me drinking a lot. So here's a recap of everything I remember. (I'm so totally disappointed in myself)

-Geoff comes in and we hug. I am 3 drinks down at this point and that's a lot in a very short period of time

-DB's girlfriend buys a pitcher of beer for me and her to share. That pitcher goes quickly.

-I catch Geoff singing along to a Justin Timberlake song and I swoon

-Another pitcher (oh this is where it gets fuzzy)

-There's a lot of canoodling between Geoff and I

-DB comes in and says "hey Geoff, you look awfully cheerful today" my response to that was "IT'S BECAUSE OF MEEEEEEE!" (fuck, I'm a dork)

-Pitcher is empty and I feel the need for more beer. Geoff buys me a beer...I spill it all over him (and again, fuck, I'm a dork)

-I remember Geoff walking me home.

-I remember waking up beside him sometime in the middle of the night naked (I can only assume we had sex)

-After waking up, we have sex

-and then we have sex again

-This morning we have sex again and once more for good measure (holy crap!)

-We go for breakfast, he says "so I guess I should have a chat with your brother." I ask him what he is planning on saying to him and he said "well that we're a couple, I guess" I opt to let SIS tell him for us.

-We changed our facebook relationship status's this morning to reflect our couplehood.

I'm feeling giddy and I know we're just dating and we'll actually probably take it kind of slow (unless I'm drunk apparently) from here on out. I do feel a little weird about how everything happened but I'm okay with it.

Also, my vagina hurts like you wouldn't believe but it's one of those good hurts

Ahhhhhh!

I went to swoon-worthy boys concert last night. He's a drummer in a folky/blues kind of band. There was major flirting. Although, keep in mind it was Grade 8 style flirting because we're so so awkward. But we discussed our awkwardness and that we take comfort in each other's social ineptitude. We also made a flea market date for Sunday.

But right now...I'm more worried about tonight. What do I wear? (thanks for freaking me out about that Nicole :P) How much should I drink? I can't drink too much because then I might jump him right in the bar and I really don't want to come across as that kind of girl (even though I kind of am that kind of girl) because I really like him.

I'm not good with the date thing, can you tell?

And at what point, is it safe to tell my brother that I'm dating (are we dating?!) his ex-roommate?

An update

So I was off work today, new swoon-worthy boy happened to be off work as well. He suggested that perhaps we meet up to do the cd exchange. I agreed. We went for a walk around a lake. It was so awkward. We're both so shy and awkward as it is. What happens when you put two shy, awkward people together that have little experience hanging out with one another...extreme awkwardness.

He ended up coming back to my place to watch a movie. There's was definitely no canoodling or even flirting. This makes me question whether or not he likes Sober Amanda, perhaps he just likes Drunk Amanda. Or perhaps this is the first time we've hung out and I shouldn't think so much about it.

This is why I hate crushes. It causes me to think too much about my own flaws and I get incredibly insecure and well, awkward.

Also, I need a nickname for new swoon-worthy boy...any suggestions? (I'm too consumed with replaying the day over and over in my head to think about anything creative for him)

No thank you

So during my odd Friday night last week, I made friends with a guy. I've known the guy for a while (we have many mutual friends) but always thought of him as an arrogant douche because he hardly ever said much and kind of had this arrogant look to him. I despised the guy really. But during my drunken Friday night, we managed to strike up a conversation and during that conversation, where my opinion of him changed, I realized he was dead fucking sexy. Totally outta my league though so after our conversation ended and I wandered away, I really didn't think twice about him.

And then, Sunday morning I checked my FB and I had a friend request from him. I happily accepted his friend request and then lurked his profile (read drooled over pictures of him.) Later on in the evening, I was online, he was online so I sent him a quick hello. He messaged me back, we began to chat. We talked a lot about music and we came to the conclusion that he had to borrow one of my cds. I mentioned that I hardly ever run into him so I'm not sure when he'd be able to get that cd. He suggested I go to the pub more often; I said I go all the time, perhaps he should go more often. He suggested a compromise where we both make more of an effort to randomly run into each other at pub. We ended up chatting for over two hours and the more I talked to him, the more I liked him. He's incredibly smart and has great taste in music. So I was a little disappointed in myself, I did not want anymore crushes and this guy was totally out of my league so now I had to work on getting over my crush instead of dwelling in it.

Then, last night, I talked to BFF1 and I mentioned that I had a little crush on someone and she said "oh really?" and then she mentioned that she got a text message from someone asking her if I was single. She said, yes. And then another text asking why I wore a ring on my ring finger then. She said she didn't know but she knew that the ring was from my parents (it's the only finger my ring fits on and I've just been too lazy to have it sized). I asked her who asked her these questions and it was none other than my new crush. Is it safe to say, that this means he's interested?

We spent another two hours talking last night and planned to hopefully run into each other on Friday night. The thing is, now that I know there is potential there, I'm going to be nervous when I run into him and probably say something stupid and not be remotely cute or witty or anything like that. There's major heartbreak potential here.

No more heartbreaks please, I don't know if I can handle another one!

Drunken Shenanigans of a Friday Night (booze ban broken)

I can't even begin to explain the sheer oddness of last night. I went to pub with BFF1...first time I've been social in a long time. The vibe seemed so odd there that night, and I later figured out that all the oddness was just for me and me alone.

Odd moment number one: After a few drinks with BFF1 and some other friends, a group of people came into the pub. Included in this group of people was my ExBFF (who I had a falling out with months ago and haven't seen or talked to her since) and her asshole husband. They aren't the most civil people ever so I figured it would be best to talk to her first instead of waiting to see if they decide to make some asshole remark or something. So we briefly chatted, hugged and that was fine. But it felt weird sitting in my group of friends and having her and her group of friends and both of us so obviously not wanting the other person to be there. But nothing crazy went down or anything it was just weird.

Odd moment number two: My asshole Ex's brother showed up to the pub and followed me around almost the entire night telling me how much his family misses me and how they hate Ex's new GF. It was sweet but also annoying. He's an annoying guy as it is so to have him drunkenly proclaiming his brotherly love for me all night was just a little too much to bare.

Odd moment number three: Blue shows up, without new girlfriend and we chat awkwardly. At this point I manage to down not one but four rye cokes in about 10 minutes, making my nightly total 8 rye and cokes (I ran out of money after this point so no more rye and cokes but did manage to scam a beer off of Ex's brother later on.) The night continued and I catch Blue looking at me a few time, he catches me looking at him a few times...it was just weird.

Odd moments numbers four to infinity: A new potential fuck buddy? We shall name him Hands (I'll explain in a moment and just know, I'm not very creative when hung over). Hands has sorta been hitting on me for a while now but I never intended on taking him up on the offer for two reasons, he's 20 yrs old so that's a little young for me and he and BFF1 have hooked up before and there's got to be some unwritten rule about hooking up with the same guy your friend has hooked up with even if there isn't any feelings between them. Now she is constantly telling me to go for it with him because apparently he's amazing in bed despite his lack of size, but I always stood my ground and tonight I wasn't intending on making any exceptions. BFF1 and I were going to cab it back to my house and have a slumber party anyways so there wasn't even an opportunity.

At some point in my drunken haze, I managed to steel Hands' hat and decided to wear that the rest of the night and we flirted and just hung out. BFF1 comes up to me at one point and says "I'm not sure if I'm going to go home with you tonight." I knew what this meant; her ex FWB was at the pub and she had been debating whether or not to start that up again (as he had been persisting for the last few weeks). She mentioned that I was wearing Hands' hat and implied that this meant that I was going home with him. I said "No! don't be silly, I'm just wearing his hat because I'm drunk!" Drunken shenanigans continue on and at one point Hands and I are out back having a smoke. Blue is out back as well. Hands and I are flirting and cuddling a bit because it was cold and the idea of hooking up with someone was really starting to be a temptation so I casually suggested the idea (quietly) to Hands who responded with one of those incredibly sexy, grab me by the front of my belt and pull me towards him and plant a mother of a kiss on me, moves. All this went down, right in front of Blue (weird!) So we go back inside and the pub is closing. I run up to BFF1 and said, "I don't think I'm going home alone, as long as it's okay with you because just say the word and it'll end." She laughed and explained it was fine, reminded me to be safe and to have fun.

Now to the juicy stuff. Hands and I make it back to my apartment and we start making out on my bed. He is, without a doubt, the best kisser ever. It felt like we made out for forever, it was awesome. Things progressed from there. His mad kissing skills was just the beginning for his mad skills in general. Soon enough we're both naked (he took the time to take my socks off...is this weird? It seemed weird at the time) and fooling around. Holy Hannah the boy has magic fingers (hence the Hands codename) and one helluva magic tongue. Excuse me, while I masturbate at the thought of this. The sex was great but not nearly as amazing (and I mean amazing) as the foreplay. He was really rough and gentle all at the same time. I mean he'd kiss me really really hard but at the same time as caressing my face or hair or hands or something...me likey. But holy shit, what an awful fucking sleeper. He felt the need to practically smother me the entire night, but whatever it was worth it. We woke up in the morning and watched Transformers and then he left.

Shortly after he left, I went to the bathroom and realized just how rough he actually was. My lips are swollen and bruised. I have bruises all over my body. Again, me likey.

I talked to BFF1 a little while ago, to see how her night went. She didn't end up with her ex FWB...she ended up in Blue's bed. WHAT?! Ya, in his bed. She said, once she realized that it wasn't a good idea to go back to her FWB she asked Blue to call her a cab. He told her, if she wanted, she could crash at his house. Since they are such good friends, I guess this didn't seem like a big deal to her so she agreed. Long story short, he tried to hook up with her but she convinced him that that is a bad idea and slept in her jeans and a tank top. I'm sorry but doesn't he have a girlfriend?! What about his girlfriend?! And what prompted him to try really hard to get one of his closest friends in bed with him? Asshole? Ya, I think he just got bumped up to the number one spot on the Douchebag scale.

Well that was my drunken Friday night. It was really sad that I couldn't do the booze ban to the end. I don't even know what prompted me to drink in the first place but it was worth it in the end, despite all the oddness that went on.

Tattoo Therapy

So I had my consultation today about my half sleeve. I'm feeling very energetic right now and I'm totally stoked on this tattoo. If any of you know anything about tarot cards, I'm going to get the image for the strength card on my right arm. If you don't know, this is a drawing of a woman with her hand on a lions mouth. The drawing on most tarot cards is kind of renaissancey and the woman looks quite angelic. I'm going to get a more updated, realistic (and less angelic) version. So this will set me back a minimum of $800. $800 but totally fucking worth it.

I won't get to see the drawing until the end of February and I'm going to be antsy until then, but hey, this gives me something to look forward to!

So what do I really want?

I've been thinking about this a while now...do I really want a relationship? Or do I just want to find a good, reliable fuck buddy? I think it's one of those "the grass is always greener" situations.

The idea of a relationship kind of terrifies me. Let's put it this way, I'm an incredibly disciplined person. My life revolves around work and school. I make time for friends and the occasional party. I think about the guys that I associate with and I think of how different they are. They are all way too hardcore for me. TS, Blue and all of their friends are constant drinkers. Drinking every night of the week until two or three in the morning. On weekends drinking and partying until six or seven in the morning. It's ridiculous (and don't get me started on the fact that the majority of them are almost 27 fucking years old...seriously grow the fuck up!!!!) Since these are the guys I associate with on occasion, I can't imagine being in a relationship with anyone like them; it would drive me crazy! But where else do I meet someone? I need someone that is mature enough to not live their life for drunken shenanigans (although I love the drunken shenanigans, just not on a daily basis).

So since there is a major lack of mature boyfriend potential this leaves me with finding a good, reliable fuck buddy. But so far I've struck out with this. DB...fuck me and then don't talk to me until we run into each other 7 months later and act like nothing happened. TS was not originally supposed to be a fuck buddy; he was supposed to be a random one nighter. Fuck, I couldn't even remember his last name in the morning. But he gave me 4 orgasms in one night so I wasn't opposed to a second round. Second round came about and was equally as good. The idea of making him my fuck buddy came about after that. But then I continuously ran into him sober, and I liked sober TS. He seemed like a genuinely nice guy. He still does seem like a genuinely nice guy. So now the idea of him becoming a fuck buddy (not that we got very far after our second round anyways) is a bad bad idea because I could potentially fall for him, even though I know it's against my best interest. So where does this leave me?

This leaves me totally and completely fucked...or un-fucked actually. And to be perfectly honest with you all, I'm getting sick and fucking tired of masturbation.

This post is actually quite moot as I have no potential relationship man, nor do I have a potential fuck buddy. Perhaps, I should just look for a new vibrator?

And here we go again

This will be my 3rd weekend of staying at home like a hermit. I need to lighten my spirits before I attempt to go out. I really don't want to be that girl that everyone hates because she's always so bummed out.

Truth of the matter is, I'm kind of cheerful today (read crazy due to lack of sleep) and wouldn't be opposed to going out, but I've already made plans to clean, do laundry, eat some Mr. Noodle soup and do some homework. Probably followed by some Gilmore Girls or One Tree Hill.

I haven't attempted to go to bed in 5 days. Can you believe that? 5 FUCKING DAYS! I have slept in this time, but because of my loneliness, I find going to a huge empty bed totally depressing. So at my 10:30 bedtime, I get into some nice pj's and curl up on the couch with the remote control. I drift in and out of sleep while watching tv and eventually get up around 5. Obviously I haven't gotten enough sleep in that time, hence the crazy cheerfulness today. Perhaps, tonight will be the night where I sleep in my bed. I think I'll give it a shot.

Being bored at work today left me going through some old emails. I ended up doing a "Best Of" email between me and SIS...here's some of it for your reading pleasure"

"My neck is way better today, and I'm pretty stoked about my massage. Say that with a British accent, "mass-age." Say it a few times with me...it's a Massage Party! Mass-age. Mass-age. Did you ever watch those British videos in science in high school that talked about aluminum, but they said it, "Aloominyum"? Aloominyum." Says SIS in a fit of sillyness.

And this whole email conversation:

Amanda: I'm drinking a huge cup of gag-worthy coffee right now in hopes of having the wanted effect of, well pooping. Still no go for me.
Ha, just thought you may want to know

SIS: you STILL haven't pooped? Amanda, that's almost a week! Aiee!

Amanda: HaHA! I just went. It was unsatisfying but still a poop!

SIS:yay! speaking of...

i'd hate to go a week. right now i can't go five minutes.

Amanda: uh oh!

"I wish you could hug me too, but I wish your hug was venomous and would kill me, because yes, death is still seeming like a viable option." Says Amanda, I think I was sick with the flu/cold or something

"Any tuna lunch today? "hey, Dan, I brought you a can of tuna. Let's do lunch...tunarifically." No makeouts after that lunch, tho...ugh." Says SIS, I don't really remember what this is about though!

" So I've made my case...rejected by someone who has a habit of "fucking ugly chicks"...truly shameful." Says Amanda in regards to DB before there actually was sex


And there it is...it probably isn't nearly as interesting to you all but I felt like I needed a post with a little substance and not so "I'm so saaaaad" sorta thing.

Enjoy!

Cheering up! Another suggestion...

I've decided to become a hermit. This is mostly due to the fact that this semester at school is going to be hard and I need to concentrate on school for a little while. While I was reading Oedipus, which is quite interesting by the way, I thought to myself "Man this could be way more interesting if it was acted out in play form (as it is a play.)" So, with the audience of my cats, I acted out the entire play of Oedipus in my living room. It was so much fun. I don't think my cats enjoyed it quite as much as I did but that doesn't matter. Does this make me a total nerd? I think it does, but I care not.

So add acting out random plays to my cats, to the list of Cheer Up Methods!

Edit to add: This totally puts me on the list for Crazy Cat Lady doesn't it?

Ode To My Momma!

So, still depressed. Today's cheer up method (see previous post) includes the watching of girly teen drama series. Gilmore Girls all the way! This allowed me to reminisce about when I first started watching this show at about 16 yrs old. I wanted to get knocked up specifically to have the same relationship with my potential daughter that Lorelei has with Rory. All the while chatting it up with the sexy diner owner. Obviously this didn't happen, otherwise this blog would not be about the sexual escapades and drunken shenanigans in my life. The truth is though, I think I have a similar relationship with my mom than the Gilmore gal's. Okay, perhaps we aren't so quick witted or clever and we're both without the amazingly great metabolism but my mom is, without a doubt, my best friend.

I talk to my mom about a lot of things, the only thing I leave out is the sex stuff (she doesn't want to know). If I have a bad day, I call my mom. If I have a good day, I call my mom. If something mediocre-exciting happens, I call my mom. If she needs to vent about work, my brother or anything, she calls me. I trust her and depend on her. She encourages me more than anyone else in my life and I'm grateful for it.

My dad hasn't really been that encouraging or anything like that. I am a lot like my dad though. We have the same weird sense of humor, stubbornness, and temper. We both find the stupidest shit amusing. My dad and I don't really get along that well. Sometimes we do but it's rare. We both have to be in a goofy mood and that's a rare occurrence. But my mom, my mom is always there. We rarely fight and when we do it doesn't last long.

The truth is though, I can't let my mom in on the fact that I'm bummed out right now. She gets really worried about me and I don't want her to worry. I just feel really alone right now. I don't really want to talk to my friends about it. I just want to talk to my mom, I just don't want her to worry.

Anyways, this post is supposed to be all about my mom's amazing awesomeness! She truly is just the best. I'm really lucky to have the mom that I do.

And there it is

It's baaaaack. Hello lonely depression, long time no see. Yarrrrr! (says Pirate Amanda) I really am pissed. It definitely happened just as I suspected. Woke up Saturday morning to an empty bed. I wake up from a lovely dream (flashback) where I was canoodling in bed with TS. I don't think I mentioned his lovely cuddling in past posts. Basically, he was one of those guys that wanted nothing more than to be touching you in any way possible. It didn't matter what position I was laying in, he'd find a way to cuddle me. Anywho...I woke up, still feeling warm and fuzzy, and rolled over to see my untouched left-side of the bed which instantly took away that warm/fuzzy feeling. *tear* Oh the longing of affection. Does it ever go away? Even when I was happy and feeling good about singlehood, I still missed that touch that a relationship brings. I really just need a hug.

Here is my list of things that cheer me up!

1. Mike Oldfield - Tubular Bells CD (Also on my list of Top Ten Loves)

2. Chocolate covered pretzels

3. PB and jam sandwiches on white bread, cut in half with a glass of milk (my Momma used to make this for me when I had a bad day at school)

4. Chicken noodle soup with so many crackers in it that it soaks up all the broth and it's more like chicken noodle cracker mush

5. Shopping for shoes and/or purses

6. Watching girly movies or teen drama series (helloooo One Tree Hill)

7. Reading

8. Shopping for books

9. Slipper socks

10. Down duvets

I'm choosing to use Tubular Bells, Chicken noodle cracker mush and reading as my preferred cheer-up method tonight.

Apparently we're not friends anymore

Boys SUCK! So Blue and I often hang out...haven't seen him since just before Christmas. This is odd. We have a regular at least once a week hang where we smoke too much pot and watch Lost. I chalked up his lack of calling to the holidays but I propositioned him with a joint, pizza and his choice of zombie movie the other day and hadn't heard from him at all (and how do you turn down an offer like that!) I mentioned this to BFF1 and she said "ohhhh yah, I was meaning to tell you, I saw him with some girl the other day...apparently he's got a girlfriend." Now this brings up two issues with me. 1: I get that girlfriends don't like their boyfriends hanging out with their friends of the female variety alone, but he could have at least responded to my texts by saying "can't, busy" or something. 2: Since it really hasn't been that long since our night of atrocious sex when he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship...well now, that makes me think that it was all about my flaws and non-awesomeness instead of the fact that he wasn't ready.

Currently sitting on my couch in my pj's feeling very very sorry for myself.

No Smoking! Not fucking likely

Okay so today was supposed to be the first full day without smoking. I woke up with smoking on my mind. This is odd because it normally takes me a good hour after I get up before I think about lighting up. I even got gas without buying smokes. I got to work and was feeling really fucking crazy at this point. It was fucked.

Then, this boy that I'm friends with from work, is standing outside my window having a smoke and without realizing it I was giving him the "Come Fuck Me" eyes! Not because I wanted to fuck him (although if the opportunity came up, I probably wouldn't refuse) just because I wanted his fucking cigarette. So I'm giving him this look and he gives me this "Why the fuck are you looking at me like you're going to take me out to the forest and rape me" look back. Of course I realized what I was doing at this point, got really flustered and embarrassed and went outside and said "Can you not smoke in front of my window, I'm trying to fucking quit!" This is where karma is a bitch. The last time work-friend tried to quit, I kinda teased him about it. So he starts taunting me with the smoking. And then...I started to cry! Then he felt really really bad and got all apologetic and I was more embarrassed and started to cry harder. I'm talking snot-sniveling, snorting crying.

But I made it through the rest of the day, albeit crying all day. I get home and am just shaking like crazy. I thought, okay, you can go buy a pack of smokes or you can just suck it up. I opted to suck it up and go and get a London Fog from the coffee shop. I'm driving there (still shaking) and just as I'm about to turn into the parking lot, I slide on black ice and do a full fucking 360 in my motherfucking car. I make into the parking lot without hitting anything but obviously now I'm shaking more and crying. I tell myself, just go inside and have your tea, it'll be okay. So I start walking in with a tear stained face, and low and fucking behold TS is sitting there...smoking. And I'm shaking and quite obviously had been crying and then the fucking tears start come again. So I make a mad dash to get inside. I get my tea and I calm down a little. I decided not to stay because I don't want to sit there and be upset about my almost accident, the shit that went on with TS, and not smoking (oh also, I looked like SHIT and didn't really want to be seen.) So I walk out, tea in hand, and TS stands up and walks up to me and says "what's going on? are you okay?" All I could choke out without crying was "No". Please keep in mind I'm still shaking like fucking crazy. And he says "come sit down and have a smoke." That was it! I was done with quitting.

So I had a smoke. The shaking stopped and I calmed down enough to thank him and say I'd best be going. He suggested I come with him to the pub but I said no thanks and left.

So where do I stand...perhaps I should have tried to cut back before I decided to quit. It's really hard to go from almost a pack a day to zero.

I'm truly ashamed

Kisses, Drunken Shenanigans, and Mystery Bruises

The results of New Years Eve...drunken shenanigans. Twas a superb night to say the least. We arrived at the concert at around 11 which only gave us an hour to reach the desired level of inebriation. Obviously this meant that double-fisting the booze was necessary. So, like the classy bitches we are, we walked around with two drinks each.

The second band was playing when midnight started to approach. When the band announced that it was 11:55, I found myself in the line-up to get my next round of 2 drinks. BFF1 was standing with her crush, DB was standing next to Girl Version, I found myself in the best possible place for avoiding the 5th Wheel New Years Kiss Scenario. Also, there was no fucking way I was getting out of that goddamn line up. I had already waited for 20 or so minutes and was not leaving without booze. So the countdown begins and I'm watching BFF1 and her crush out of the corner of my eye (I was excited for her!) and when the everyone yells "Happy New Year!" Bff1 ran over and kissed me. I think this goes without saying (but maybe it doesn't), I'm not the girl that kisses girls for the sake of male attention...this kiss was simply a friend kiss and I appreciated the gesture. She did end up kissing her crush on the cheek after that, he definitely blushed and grinned.

So later on in the night, BFF1's crush was super drunk and suggested tequila shots. Since we were at a hall sorta thing, the bar at this place wasn't exactly stocked and they had run out of tequila. Our shot choices were gin, rum and whiskey. Whiskey was the winner and shots ensued. Quite a few shots ensued. Shortly after the shots; drinks were dropped, Drunk Amanda fell (so many times), snowball fights broke out, and we found a pizza place that was open! We ate pizza and I'm pretty sure it's the only reason I didn't feel like dying this morning.

So there it was, my New Years Eve all summed up into a few short paragraphs. All in all, good night! However, I woke up this morning with so many fucking bruises (probably from all the falling). Both of my knees are swollen and black, I have a few huge ones on my ass, one on my hip and many many more. I hate mystery bruises!

So now I'm sitting here, deciding that I was glad I didn't ditch them. Also, it was a good last hurrah before the booze ban. Oh and I've only had 2 smokes today (leftover from last night) and they were both this morning. I'm kind of going fucking crazy right now but I'm proud of myself for staying strong all day.

HAPPY 2009!