Tough Times

I just found out that my dad has to have surgery. He tried to downplay it but it sounds serious. He has a tumor, I guess in his gland. It's like right under his ear, along his jawline. It's big...you can definitely see it. He was pretty sure that it's not cancerous, at least that's what he told me. He said the biggest concern is that there is a major nerve that goes right through the tumor so after it's been removed there is an incredibly good chance of face paralysis (and not to mention a fucking huge chunk of his face missing.) In good old fashion dad-style, he joked about it. We talked about how we'd make up stories about how he rescued babies and puppies from a burning building and that's how he got the scar. We joked about it all afternoon. It's our way of dealing with things, just make it funny.

This brings up a lot of crazy thoughts for me. In general, I've always thought my dad was a major douchebag. We can definitely have fun but a lot of the time, I see him and end up feeling totally inadequate. Now I sort of feel weird about him. I should have put more effort in. What if he has to go through this and not have anyone to help him through it? I feel like shit because there's a big part of me that just can not imagine seeing my dad on a regular basis regardless of the situation; I'm not sure if I could emotionally handle it but I have to be here for him. I just don't know how.