Day 2

So today is day 2 on my anti-depressants/anti-anxiety. Day 1 was fucking rough. At about 7:30 am I took the first pill...20 minutes later I was fighting the urge to vomit. After I ate some crackers, I felt a lot better. And then about 5 minutes after that I started to feel really fidgety. The fidgety turned into jittery pretty quickly. Through out the day it got progressively worse. I couldn't stop shaking. I couldn't concentrate on my computer for very long and I was so so antsy. About 3 anxiety attacks later, I called the pharmacist. "Oh the jittery feeling is a pretty common side effect. It should go away within a few days; if it doesn't go away, make an appointment with your doctor." I asked what else I can do because I can't handle a few days of this. She told me I can take half a pill for a few days so the uppers aren't such a huge shock on my body. So that was my plan for today...

But I wasn't sure if I could do it. I expected the jittery thing to be gone by bed time but it wasn't. I tossed and turned (and cried from frustration!) all night long. I decided I couldn't take my next pill because I couldn't handle this particular side effect. But I decided to give the half pill a shot because it couldn't have been worse than day 1.

It wasn't. The jittering was still there but not in a way I couldn't handle it. I also noticed some other side effects...yawning. I've been yawning all day and apparently that is a side effect. It's kind of weird. It's totally bearable but also a lot more uncomfortable than you'd imagine. I also keep clenching my teeth. So many fucking side effects.

So I don't know how I'll deal with it once I start taking whole pills again...we'll see

Tattoo!

It's all done, here's a few pics for you guys.

Here's a shot of the top side of my arm...the lady and a little bit of the lion



Here is the lion and the dragonfly



The underside of my arm



The flowers along the elbow (ouch!)



And the bottom part of my arm (another shot of the dragonfly and part of the lion)

There is no way in HELL I'm as crazy as you are, dude

So I had my appointment with Mental Health. I'm sitting in the waiting room and I can't help but notice everyone else in there. I glance to my left and there's a youngish guy sitting and filling out forms. He looked like a pretty normal dude, so probably going through the same kind of anxiety/depression I am...perhaps even depressed because he could be out of work due to the economy (of course he could have been some schizophrenic psychopath and I'd never know it.) Next is a girl that had a tiny little baby girl with her...perhaps some sort of post-partum depression. I noticed the guy to my right and he was pretty creepy looking and was picking at his arm scabs *shudder* Bored with people watching, I continued to fill out my forms.

As I was sitting there filling out my form, I heard the creepy guy constantly clearing his throat. After 5 minutes of listening to this guy clear his throat I couldn't help but look up. I glanced his way and he was like staring at me in the most creepy way. As soon as I looked at him he went "so...how's it going?" I gave him a bit of an odd look and said "fine, I guess." I looked back down and continued filling out my form. I think I shuddered a little with disgust. The guy just looked creepy. As I was filling out the part of the form that was about how you were referred, I couldn't help but giggled when I read "Court-ordered referral"...that creepy guy was so here because of a court order. Psycho!

I finished my forms and I was just waiting to be taken in and then I hear the guy start to clear his throat again. I can't help but glance up at this guy. I look at him and he was looking at me again and he said, "so what are you here for?" Excuse me? What the fuck! That is so beyond inappropriate; we're at mental health! I couldn't help but say "uhhh none of your business, dude." I said it as polite as possible, apparently I should have been far bitchier because the next thing that came out of his mouth was "I can't imagine this will take that long, what are you doing..." And then, thank fucking god, the lady came out and got me. As I walked away I was sure to give him the dirtiest look I could summon up. I could only assume he was going to ask me what I was doing afterward...not going anywhere near you, douchebag!

First off all, Mental Health is not the place to pick up chicks. Had we been in a coffee shop or something, I would have politely turned him down and pretended to be flattered. But we weren't in a coffee shop, we were at Mental Fucking Health! This kind of brings me to my next point, had we been in a coffee shop and he hit on me he still would have been far too creeptastic looking to even consider. I'm a firm believer that if you look creepy chances are you are creepy. I just couldn't believe it.

And for an update on the mental health front...my psychologist suggested I do a mixture of medication, counseling, and group therapy (group? WTF?) I'm going to be open minded about medication because obviously what I was doing before wasn't working. It's going to take me a little while to get used to the idea of group though. It just weirds me out.

I have to pee...

that is all.

Fucking Finally!

After a very long waitlist, I've finally got an appointment with Mental Health (Thursday.) I'm sort of conflicted about how I feel about it. Part of me thinks that I just need to suck it up and deal with it. That it's not as bad as I make it out to be and that its my own fault because I've been digging myself in a hole of loneliness because I'm isolating myself. The other part of me thinks that my isolating myself is just a symptom of my depression/anxiety. That I need to consider the fact that perhaps my anxiety and depression is something beyond "normal" and that just because I have the occasional good day it doesn't mean that I'm not deserving or justified in seeking help.

I'll keep you all updated.

Cross your fingers that my counselor isn't sexy, I don't want him to see me cry if he is!

P.S. Currently looking for a new job because I hate my job with such a passion and I don't think that it's aiding in the depression/anxiety.

Tis my day of birth

Happy birthday to me! So far, it's been pretty lame. I mean not lame, just a usual Monday. I did take today off work and was surprised by one of my very best friends making me cupcakes (which I've eaten 4 of already!)

I miss birthday parties. Not go out to the pub or a club and getting drunk parties, I mean old school parties. With goody bags, and What Time Is It Mr. Wolf, and birthday cakes shaped like bunnies that Mom's make. I miss being a kid!

Surgery

My dad is home from the hospital. His surgery went well. He is experiencing the more minor side effects that were possible and seeing as it could have been a lot worse, these minor side effects aren't so bad. I brought him some groceries and some dinner. I rented him a few movies and offered to come with him to his post-surgery appointment. He seems well enough to take care of himself. That is a load off of my mind, as horrible as that sounds. I thought long and hard about how much I could deal with as far as taking care of him went, and honestly I thought that I really couldn't deal with much. His condition, at the moment, makes me think that he won't need me as much as I prepared for.

...

I wonder if you know how much my heart hurts. All because you made me be vulnerable when I promised myself I never would be again and I regret that.

...Mentor my ass

So a little while ago I thought it would be a good idea to volunteer at our youth resource center as a youth mentor. I was excited about it. A lot of the time these youth are emancipated from their parents and lack a lot of basic skills like cooking. I would get to teach them things like cooking and budgeting as well as being a friend to them. The thing is, now that the youth worker has interviewed me and done a background check I'm starting to get nervous. Ha! What kind of mentor would I be...one of those "do as I say not as I do" mentors?

Amanda's possible mentoring quotes:

"Listen, I know you'll want to get drunk and sleep with him but don't do it...and you will do it even though I told you not to so make sure you use a condom. And if you don't use a condom make sure you go to planned parenthood and get the morning after pill. And when you're lying there sick as a dog from the morning after pill don't call me because I can't handle sick people and I especially can't handle vomit"

"Sure I'll buy you smokes"

"Once you start drinking, hand a good friend your cell phone to keep safe. Nothing worse than waking up and having a text msg from a boy you like that says "did you mean dink or drunk?" And then going through sent text msgs and realizing you texted him "why were you being such a dunk tonight?" Stupid T9

"Just because the Katy Perry song is playing doesn't mean you have to kiss girls"

"Rye stays down better than vodka. If it doesn't stay down, rye doesn't hurt as much coming up either. Win-win."

"It doesn't matter how hot the guy is, don't try to impress him by attempting to out drink him. It'll be messy"

"Wash your sheets before you go out for a night of drinking, you never know who'll be sleeping on them later."

This is gonna be interesting. I'm potentially the worst role model ever.

Weird!

I just had to paint a fake toenail on my baby toe. My baby toenail just fucking fell off this morning. How weird is that? It didn't hurt or anything, like it didn't pull off; it literally just fell off. I felt weird walking around in my flip flops with purple painted toenails and one unpainted nailless toe so I just painted where my toenail used to be.

Odd thing is, this isn't even close to the first time it's happened...happens all the time. Weirder is that I was talking to a friend last night about how it happens all the time and then this morning it just fell off.