He walks in my house this morning with this look on his face. I know this look, as I had the same look on my face. This is the look that has been planted on my face the last few days. The look that means, "WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?!" This idea of feeling like I have to compromise myself and my life just to keep a boyfriend has been bugging me. This relationship happened too fast. Even if it wasn't serious, it still happened too fast; there was too much pressure. I don't like pressure. He said, "maybe we should talk." He said he feels like we need to get to know each other better before we jump into anything (uh fella, we already jumped into something...remember?). It's not that I don't disagree, I do, I just feel like a complete idiot. But despite the very necessary break up (it seems ridiculous to even call it that because awkwardly sitting in silence is hardly a relationship) he wanted to stick around and hang out. We went for a walk; we actually were able to converse for once. It was kind of nice, but also kind of heartbreaking because I automatically understood that part of the reason we could talk was because the pressure was off.
We walked back to my place and he suggested we watch a movie. Last week, he brought this big book of movies over and before he left he suggested leaving them here (which, at the time, totally freaked me out). So through the book of movies we went and he stumbled upon Pans Labyrinth. I've always wanted to see it but knew it would be one of those movies that left me in tears; I tried to protest (he's not ready for Sobbing Amanda yet) but he insisted. So we watch it. I have to hide under the covers of my blanket to keep from showing him I was crying.
Movie over, he starts putting on his boots. He gives me a hug; I hand him his book of movies. He says "leave em here, we'll watch another one soon okay?" I must have given him this weird look or something because he looks down at me and says "just don't write me off alright?" WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?! UGHHHHHHHHH I hate it when things are left in the middle. Like, I know that this "break up" was necessary and I'm fully okay with just calling us friends and only having those expectations (because if that's the only expectations I have, I'll get over him that much faster) but giving me this "just don't write me off" bullshit is such...well, bullshit. So now, we're just friends with the possibility of more at some unknown point. Am I allowed to go out on other dates with other people? More importantly, am I allowed to fuck someone else in order to deal with this heartbreak (I do realize I need to stop using sex to get over boys but can we save that post for another day.)
Yarrrrrrr! That's really all I can say.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
And there it is, the moment we've all been waiting for folks
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3 comments:
I think "don't write me off," means don't commit to anyone else right away. So I think you're allowed to go on dates and do whatever else you want to get over this break up ;)
I've heard that line before... lol This is something that guys say to have the EXACT effect on us that it's had on you.
.. It leaves that emotional door open...
They do that so that if they call you @ 4am and wanna 'come over', you'll say yes... because you've not "counted" him out.
You guys broke up. You're free to do whatever you want w/o regard for him or what he may think. Don't hold out for him.
i don't know if its game. but dudes will try to stay relevant in your life. whatever you decide to do, do it for you. but naw, you are not required to stay at home waiting for him to step up and be your man. this is the problem with relationships that move too quickly, they end up ending too quickly too. ugh. no win situation!
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