At Home on a Friday Night

I feel like everything is just crashing down around me. They're doing mass lay offs at work right now and I'm just waiting until my time comes. It's so stressful. I heard that they only gave the employees 5 minutes to pack up and leave. 5 fucking minutes! Some of them have been with the company for over 20 yrs. Everyone in my department has started to pack up their desks so that they can use their 5 minutes to say good bye. Every day has brought me tears because I'm so scared of having to say goodbye...which I believe is inevitable.

So I'm stressed from work, and then these little things are being thrown at me all the time and I don't know how to go on. I'm feeling very down right now. It's times like these that I want a relationship, just someone to give me a hug and tell me that it's going to be okay. I feel like a goof even typing this, I hate needing people. But I'll admit it, I need someone right now, and I really don't have anyone. Le sigh

My Needs

So I was thinking about what I needed in a guy (relationship-wise) and what my deal breakers are...so here's the start of the list. Keep in mind, things can (and probably will) be added, removed or altered at anytime I see fit.

Amanda's Top 10 Needs (most of them are emotional/mental/personality type thing. I'm not a shallow person. I appreciate a hot guy but it's not necessary, if I like your personality you are officially hot in my books)
1. Make me laugh. It's not as easy as you think.

2. Ambition. I want a guy that's got ambition to do something with his life. Even if he doesn't know what the fuck it is yet, he's just gotta have some ideas. Double points if he does know and is in some way working towards that.

3. Responsible...for the most part.

4. Appreciates a good lazy night/day. I really don't want a guy that wants to be on the run or partying all the time; I want someone that will watch movie upon movie with me on an occasional Friday and not feel like he's been jipped.

5. SEX! I need someone that's on the same sex-page as me. I don't want once a week sex; I want spontaneous sex and lots of it. Come home from work and push me up against a wall sex, wake me up in the middle of the night sex, call in sick to work and fuck all day sex...okay, you get the point. I just don't want "well it's Wednesday, day of sex, better shave/bathe and put on the sexy underwear and grin and bear it for 7 minutes" kinda sex.

6. Honesty - this one is obvious.

7. Has the ability to apologize. Seriously, if you're gonna be an ass (which of course you are entitled to occasionally) at least recognize and apologize for it (sincerely).

8. Know that I will not apologize for something I'm not sorry for (*ahem* calling you out on being an ass). That's right, I'm tough as nails.

9. Accept that despite my tough as nails personality, I will cry at silly commercials, shows and movies. I enjoy stupid teen drama series and girly teen movies. Deal with it, I'm not going to make you watch it, I just expect that you won't tease me about it (at least not in public). I will accept your love of martial arts, war and stupid action flicks in return.

10. Just accept me for who I am. Don't try to change me, I won't try to change you.

Part 2 (probably tomorrow) will be my list of needs in a Friend with Benefits and my list of Deal Breakers.

Weekly Weigh In

So my weekly weigh in this week produced no change. This makes sense as I spent all of Saturday night drinking mass amounts of Arbor Mist (for those who don't know what it is, it's an ultra classy $6 bottle of fruit wine. It tastes like juice, and I drink it like juice and then all of a sudden BAM! Drunk Amanda makes an appearance).

I'll work extra hard this week on my eating and hopefully we'll see a change at the next weigh in.

What a disappointment!

Well, without going into too much detail, last night was a serious disappointment. Anti-climatic in more ways than one. I didn't even see TS. super sadface.

However...I did run into TS this morning at the local coffee hang out and we had coffee together. It was nice. This is the second sober coffee we've had together. I think that perhaps, just perhaps this whole TS thing is a bad idea in general. Because of our sober hang outs, I could definitely see myself falling for him and that has the potential for some major heartbreak. And god knows I can't handle more heartbreak. Well I could but I don't want it to be in the name of getting laid (albeit a great lay.)

This is all said by Sober Amanda, Drunk Amanda may have a totally different perspective; we shall see!

Stay tuned!

Waiting

So I took my new pants (size 9 WOOT) to get hemmed today. Just a simple pair of gray straight leg jeans that will go lovely with my chucks. I'm just kinda waiting around for the tailor to call.

Tonight is the Christmas tree lighting in the middle of down town. Okay, here's something that I'm sure people will bitch about but I HATE Christmas before Christmas. "Christmas" time means Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing day. The only Christmas thing I don't mind talking about before then is Christmas presents (what to buy for people etc). But in the middle of November, I don't give a flying fuck about Christmas. I hate Christmas music, I don't decorate a tree, I don't want to put a fucking wreath on my front door.

But I digress, I am going to this stupid tree lighting with some friends because it's TS's birthday and the Tree is right by the pub. I'm hoping that's where everyone'll end up and later I hope to have TS in my bed for some birthday fun. We'll see how it goes. I'm crossing my fingers!

According to one of the blogs I happened to come across, I've broken almost every rule to the Fuck Buddy Rules. Well I don't even know if I can count TS as a fuck buddy. 2 random hook ups does not a fuck buddy make. If this becomes regular (and if I hook up with him tonight, I fully intend on asking him if it's going to be regular) I guess I have to start following the rules. But but but I like cuddling. *sigh*

What a random post.

An apology? what?

So I was online, checking my facebook and I happened to change my facebook status to something about having to go to the dentist tomorrow and all of a sudden I get an IM from none other than...DB. weird. He says "nervous about the dentist?" small talk proceeds and then randomly he says this:

"sorry I was such a dick the other night." my response was, "whatever." not in a "WHAT-Everrrr" kinda way, in more of a "whatever, no biggie" kinda way. And then he says "I've been really fucked up lately and treated you like shit, so I'm sorry and I hope you can accept my apology". hmmmmmmmmmmmmm I'm not sure. It's not like I was in love with the guy when we slept together, it was just that we were really good friends and I think that what he did was really disrespectful to me. I mean, he does that to all the girls he sleeps with so I don't know why I expected anything different but for some reason I did.

I just changed the subject I didn't mention whether or not I accepted his apology.

*sigh* what to do, what to do?

What the fuck is wrong with me?!

So I'm sitting in class tonight trying to pay attention and all I can think about is sex. Not just "make love" kinda sex, like crazy dirty sex. And the girl that sits beside me said to me with this creepy confused look, "hehe what are you grinning about?" *blush* "nothing, just thinking about something funny that happened today" *blush*

What is wrong with me?! I mean obviously nothing, I know everyone thinks about sex but I was thinking about it in a way that almost made me have to go to the bathroom on our break to take care of myself.

This is a sure sign of the need to get laid. I mean I'm alright without sex for a long period of time, but since I've had sex recently, that's all I can fucking think about. WHY IS THIS SO FUCKING HARD?

I'm crossing my fingers that I run into TS this weekend. Hell, I'd settle for DB or even Blue and his atrocious sex right at the moment. As long as I get laid, I'll be happy.

Ugh looks like I need a new "name"

So my first lover since the ex and I broke up (ya the "friend" that gave me a night of extreme pleasure and then never called) is moving back to town and I've run into him 3 more times. We have a billion mutual friends and it looks like I'll be awkwardly seeing much more of him. So I will dub him DB (for Douchebag ha!)

Even before the night of lovin' I've always been incredibly mean to him. Not that he's an angel back to me but we bicker and call each other names. I didn't mind this when there were sexual comments in between the name calling but now there's just name calling and meanness between us. It's really no fun.

On another note...Saturday left me emotionally drained. I was feeling quite anxious all day and by the time I got home from coffee with a friend I was headed for a mental fucking break down. Fuck! I needed to call my sister-in-law to let her know that our Sunday plans were not going to happen as I needed to work on a paper, and before I knew it I was balling my fucking eyes out on the phone. I am pretty sure, in that moment, I gave up completely on life in general. Had I died in my sleep and not woken up Sunday morning, I wouldn't have complained. Thankfully, my sis-in-law (from now on, I will refer to her as Sis) came over and talked me down from my craziness.

Sometimes I ignore the anxiety, sadness, loneliness etc., all week and then it manifests itself into these major mental breakdowns. I wonder why I don't have a boyfriend sometimes and then I remember...Oh ya, you're a fucking nut job!

I'm feeling somewhat better as of today. I'm less anxious but still feeling a little "give up-y" but I know that is just left over from whatever the fuck happened on Saturday.

I'm exhausted.

Weekly Weigh In

I weighed in at 131lbs this morning. My weight goal I guess is around 115lbs (I'm only 5ft tall). This is just a random number that seemed healthy (according to BMI charts and shit) and "normal". If I get to 120lbs and I'm happy with how I look then I'll move into a maintenance mode. If I get to 115lbs and I'm not happy then it's probably because I've been slacking with resistance training and I'll need someone to give me a good kick in the ass.

Random Thoughts

So last night I was watching TV and there was a commercial for the McRib sandwich. Watching that commercial made my stomach turn. It looks like someone put dogshit in a bun.

Also, I have an unrealistic fear of getting lock jaw while giving a blowjob. I wonder if there is a medical/scientific term for this kind of phobia