At Home on a Friday Night

I feel like everything is just crashing down around me. They're doing mass lay offs at work right now and I'm just waiting until my time comes. It's so stressful. I heard that they only gave the employees 5 minutes to pack up and leave. 5 fucking minutes! Some of them have been with the company for over 20 yrs. Everyone in my department has started to pack up their desks so that they can use their 5 minutes to say good bye. Every day has brought me tears because I'm so scared of having to say goodbye...which I believe is inevitable.

So I'm stressed from work, and then these little things are being thrown at me all the time and I don't know how to go on. I'm feeling very down right now. It's times like these that I want a relationship, just someone to give me a hug and tell me that it's going to be okay. I feel like a goof even typing this, I hate needing people. But I'll admit it, I need someone right now, and I really don't have anyone. Le sigh

My Needs

So I was thinking about what I needed in a guy (relationship-wise) and what my deal breakers are...so here's the start of the list. Keep in mind, things can (and probably will) be added, removed or altered at anytime I see fit.

Amanda's Top 10 Needs (most of them are emotional/mental/personality type thing. I'm not a shallow person. I appreciate a hot guy but it's not necessary, if I like your personality you are officially hot in my books)
1. Make me laugh. It's not as easy as you think.

2. Ambition. I want a guy that's got ambition to do something with his life. Even if he doesn't know what the fuck it is yet, he's just gotta have some ideas. Double points if he does know and is in some way working towards that.

3. Responsible...for the most part.

4. Appreciates a good lazy night/day. I really don't want a guy that wants to be on the run or partying all the time; I want someone that will watch movie upon movie with me on an occasional Friday and not feel like he's been jipped.

5. SEX! I need someone that's on the same sex-page as me. I don't want once a week sex; I want spontaneous sex and lots of it. Come home from work and push me up against a wall sex, wake me up in the middle of the night sex, call in sick to work and fuck all day sex...okay, you get the point. I just don't want "well it's Wednesday, day of sex, better shave/bathe and put on the sexy underwear and grin and bear it for 7 minutes" kinda sex.

6. Honesty - this one is obvious.

7. Has the ability to apologize. Seriously, if you're gonna be an ass (which of course you are entitled to occasionally) at least recognize and apologize for it (sincerely).

8. Know that I will not apologize for something I'm not sorry for (*ahem* calling you out on being an ass). That's right, I'm tough as nails.

9. Accept that despite my tough as nails personality, I will cry at silly commercials, shows and movies. I enjoy stupid teen drama series and girly teen movies. Deal with it, I'm not going to make you watch it, I just expect that you won't tease me about it (at least not in public). I will accept your love of martial arts, war and stupid action flicks in return.

10. Just accept me for who I am. Don't try to change me, I won't try to change you.

Part 2 (probably tomorrow) will be my list of needs in a Friend with Benefits and my list of Deal Breakers.

Weekly Weigh In

So my weekly weigh in this week produced no change. This makes sense as I spent all of Saturday night drinking mass amounts of Arbor Mist (for those who don't know what it is, it's an ultra classy $6 bottle of fruit wine. It tastes like juice, and I drink it like juice and then all of a sudden BAM! Drunk Amanda makes an appearance).

I'll work extra hard this week on my eating and hopefully we'll see a change at the next weigh in.

What a disappointment!

Well, without going into too much detail, last night was a serious disappointment. Anti-climatic in more ways than one. I didn't even see TS. super sadface.

However...I did run into TS this morning at the local coffee hang out and we had coffee together. It was nice. This is the second sober coffee we've had together. I think that perhaps, just perhaps this whole TS thing is a bad idea in general. Because of our sober hang outs, I could definitely see myself falling for him and that has the potential for some major heartbreak. And god knows I can't handle more heartbreak. Well I could but I don't want it to be in the name of getting laid (albeit a great lay.)

This is all said by Sober Amanda, Drunk Amanda may have a totally different perspective; we shall see!

Stay tuned!

Waiting

So I took my new pants (size 9 WOOT) to get hemmed today. Just a simple pair of gray straight leg jeans that will go lovely with my chucks. I'm just kinda waiting around for the tailor to call.

Tonight is the Christmas tree lighting in the middle of down town. Okay, here's something that I'm sure people will bitch about but I HATE Christmas before Christmas. "Christmas" time means Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing day. The only Christmas thing I don't mind talking about before then is Christmas presents (what to buy for people etc). But in the middle of November, I don't give a flying fuck about Christmas. I hate Christmas music, I don't decorate a tree, I don't want to put a fucking wreath on my front door.

But I digress, I am going to this stupid tree lighting with some friends because it's TS's birthday and the Tree is right by the pub. I'm hoping that's where everyone'll end up and later I hope to have TS in my bed for some birthday fun. We'll see how it goes. I'm crossing my fingers!

According to one of the blogs I happened to come across, I've broken almost every rule to the Fuck Buddy Rules. Well I don't even know if I can count TS as a fuck buddy. 2 random hook ups does not a fuck buddy make. If this becomes regular (and if I hook up with him tonight, I fully intend on asking him if it's going to be regular) I guess I have to start following the rules. But but but I like cuddling. *sigh*

What a random post.

An apology? what?

So I was online, checking my facebook and I happened to change my facebook status to something about having to go to the dentist tomorrow and all of a sudden I get an IM from none other than...DB. weird. He says "nervous about the dentist?" small talk proceeds and then randomly he says this:

"sorry I was such a dick the other night." my response was, "whatever." not in a "WHAT-Everrrr" kinda way, in more of a "whatever, no biggie" kinda way. And then he says "I've been really fucked up lately and treated you like shit, so I'm sorry and I hope you can accept my apology". hmmmmmmmmmmmmm I'm not sure. It's not like I was in love with the guy when we slept together, it was just that we were really good friends and I think that what he did was really disrespectful to me. I mean, he does that to all the girls he sleeps with so I don't know why I expected anything different but for some reason I did.

I just changed the subject I didn't mention whether or not I accepted his apology.

*sigh* what to do, what to do?

What the fuck is wrong with me?!

So I'm sitting in class tonight trying to pay attention and all I can think about is sex. Not just "make love" kinda sex, like crazy dirty sex. And the girl that sits beside me said to me with this creepy confused look, "hehe what are you grinning about?" *blush* "nothing, just thinking about something funny that happened today" *blush*

What is wrong with me?! I mean obviously nothing, I know everyone thinks about sex but I was thinking about it in a way that almost made me have to go to the bathroom on our break to take care of myself.

This is a sure sign of the need to get laid. I mean I'm alright without sex for a long period of time, but since I've had sex recently, that's all I can fucking think about. WHY IS THIS SO FUCKING HARD?

I'm crossing my fingers that I run into TS this weekend. Hell, I'd settle for DB or even Blue and his atrocious sex right at the moment. As long as I get laid, I'll be happy.

Ugh looks like I need a new "name"

So my first lover since the ex and I broke up (ya the "friend" that gave me a night of extreme pleasure and then never called) is moving back to town and I've run into him 3 more times. We have a billion mutual friends and it looks like I'll be awkwardly seeing much more of him. So I will dub him DB (for Douchebag ha!)

Even before the night of lovin' I've always been incredibly mean to him. Not that he's an angel back to me but we bicker and call each other names. I didn't mind this when there were sexual comments in between the name calling but now there's just name calling and meanness between us. It's really no fun.

On another note...Saturday left me emotionally drained. I was feeling quite anxious all day and by the time I got home from coffee with a friend I was headed for a mental fucking break down. Fuck! I needed to call my sister-in-law to let her know that our Sunday plans were not going to happen as I needed to work on a paper, and before I knew it I was balling my fucking eyes out on the phone. I am pretty sure, in that moment, I gave up completely on life in general. Had I died in my sleep and not woken up Sunday morning, I wouldn't have complained. Thankfully, my sis-in-law (from now on, I will refer to her as Sis) came over and talked me down from my craziness.

Sometimes I ignore the anxiety, sadness, loneliness etc., all week and then it manifests itself into these major mental breakdowns. I wonder why I don't have a boyfriend sometimes and then I remember...Oh ya, you're a fucking nut job!

I'm feeling somewhat better as of today. I'm less anxious but still feeling a little "give up-y" but I know that is just left over from whatever the fuck happened on Saturday.

I'm exhausted.

Weekly Weigh In

I weighed in at 131lbs this morning. My weight goal I guess is around 115lbs (I'm only 5ft tall). This is just a random number that seemed healthy (according to BMI charts and shit) and "normal". If I get to 120lbs and I'm happy with how I look then I'll move into a maintenance mode. If I get to 115lbs and I'm not happy then it's probably because I've been slacking with resistance training and I'll need someone to give me a good kick in the ass.

Random Thoughts

So last night I was watching TV and there was a commercial for the McRib sandwich. Watching that commercial made my stomach turn. It looks like someone put dogshit in a bun.

Also, I have an unrealistic fear of getting lock jaw while giving a blowjob. I wonder if there is a medical/scientific term for this kind of phobia

My Top 10 Loves

Top 10 Loves!

10. Chuck Taylors

9. Massages!

8. Mike Oldfield – Tubular Bells. This cd is probably one of my favorites. I can listen to it in any mood and it has the necessary effect, it’s also the perfect length for a nap

7. Eyebrow threading.

6. Tattoos love 'em on me, on guys, the pain…everything about 'em

5. Curling up with a good book and cup of tea

4. Making out…just making out (okay a little boob grab is fine) I hate that boys automatically go for the goods now instead of wanting to make out for hours until your lips are numb

3. My purple sheets –so soft and silky (without being silk). Downside…they are dark purple, and drool (*ahem* or other fluids) shows up so badly.

2. Camping

1. Spooning…including falling asleep in each others arms. The love of spooning only works if the male falls asleep in spooning position, moves into non-spooning position at some point during the night (otherwise I wake up hot and sweaty) and then spoons me again in the morning. Okay I’m particular, but it’s not too much to ask damnit!

The Background Story

I guess I just want to share the awesomeness and hellishness (ya I make up my own words) of being in my early 20's and single. Oh did I mention I'm overweight? Throw that into the mix and you've got some seriously interesting stories.


So here's my background. My name is Amanda and I was in a relationship for over four years (17yrs old to 21) with a guy I met in high school. He was two years older than me and we had some fun times together but some seriously bad times together. At the end of our relationship I realized that he was actually emotionally abusive. I've been single now for just over a year. Do I love it? No. I love not being with him, but I don't love being single.


After the break up though it was like...SURPRISE! YOU ARE FAT! Where did this weight come from? How did I not notice it? After a sob-worthy step on the scale, I realized I had about 40lbs to lose. So I joined a forum that was specifically about living a healthy lifestyle. I'm not on some crazy fad diet. I just try to eat healthy, well balanced meals. I also exercise. Okay, I don't exercise anymore because I'm feeling really lazy right now, but I have every intention of starting up again. I promise. I've lost 20lbs so far and have 20 to go. Some of you might think, 20 is nothing but when you hold 20lbs of fat in your gut, it's something, trust me. I don't want to be too skinny, I'm happy being a curvaceous babe; I have tits and an ass, and I'd like to keep them for fuck's sake (I swear a lot too!).


And now to go in a completely different direction - my year of promiscuity. In the past year, I've been with 3 guys. One was a lovely friend of mine, it was discussed beforehand (sober) and there were no feelings involved. Seems like the perfect friends with benefit right? (oh did I mention, he was HUNG like nobodies business!?) NOPE, even though we've been friends for years and there's always been a sexual energy between us (read inappropriate jokes about fucking each other), he decided to be a complete ass and not call me after that. I recently ran into him and it was AWWWWKWARD!


Months and months after my night of unbelievable sex with my "friend," I started to have feelings for a guy, let's call him Blue (cuz he has purdy blue eyes *swoon*). Blue and I have a number of mutual friends but one in particular who we are both very close with. I happened to comment on my feelings towards him to our friend. She thought she'd do something about this and asked him how he felt about me. His respone (according to her) was that I was a "babe" and I had kick ass taste in music and seemed really cool and wanted to get to know me better. This sounds promising...until our first night of attempting to get to know each other better. I am socially inept. Unless I've been drinking. So I start slamming the drinks. Next thing I know, we are making out on his balcony and he's asking if I want to crash at his place that night. I think I slurred something back in attempts to sound sexy but it probably was seriously unattractive. After everyone left that night, we proceeded to his bedroom where we had some of the worst sex known to man. Seriously, TERRIBLE! He had some potential in the bedroom as he was gentle and sweet but I was DRUNK and HORNY and wanted to get laid. Don't caress my face when you should be slapping my ass buddy! Anyways...next morning was awkward. I had to do the walk of shame, as I was too drunk the night before to realize his brother decided to crash in his living room and quite possibly heard me faking it all night long. *Shudder* And the end to this story is that after sleeping with me, he broke my heart by telling me he isn't ready for a relationship. ASS! Blue and I have actually become pretty good friends, I don't hate him anymore that's for sure but definitely still sits on the Top Five List of Douchebags.


And on to number 3. Number 3 is recent. I decided perhaps I didn't want a relationship and should just concentrate on getting some lovin'. So I go to this party (Blue's party actually) and I meet this guy, TS is what we will call him, and even though I just met him I decided he was going to be my lover for the night. And love me he did. Oh boy did he ever. Nice work TS, seriously I applaud you. The following weekend, I run into TS again. We hook up again. YES! And we've exchanged numbers with a few text msgs in between. My goal for TS is for him to become more than a drunken hook up buddy and be a regular hook up buddy (drunk and sober). So right now I'm crossing my fingers that TS will pan out to be what I need him to be. I still have some interest for Blue though. But those feelings are fading.


So that is the background of the 20 something single girl with a bit of weight to lose. My blog is going to be about my weight loss and the trials and tribulations that is my sex/single life.