Friends Again, Friends Again

Back in the day, there were 3 reasons why I was good friends with DB... 1.we both moved to the same town because of our then significant others. We both broke up with these significant others around the same time and were left in this town without many friends. 2. I had no heat in my apartment during this time so I used him for his heat-filled apartment. 3. We're both completely content with doing nothing but watching crappy tv/movies all night.

Then all that shit happened and we didn't talk for like 7 months. When we did talk again he was with Girl Version. The friendship did start to rekindle slightly and that was nice. I think this weekend was a turning point. Thursday night, I went out to his place with BFF1 and we just hung out there with a few people. Last night we were talking on FB chat he mentioned that he was bored, I said I was bored as well. He suggested I come visit him. I declined as he lives about 45 minutes away and it was already 11:30 so by the time I got there, I'd have to leave pretty quick if I wanted to avoid not falling asleep on the drive home later. He ended up convincing me to come out. We smoked some grass and watched a few episodes of Oz, then I fell asleep on his couch. When it was time for him to go to bed, he told me to take his bed and he'd crash on the couch. I opted for his couch though (I hate kicking people out of their bed). The evening went really well...there were even a few inappropriate comments made between the two of us. I'm pretty jazzed that this friendship is getting back to normal. I kinda missed him a little.

Real Men Don't Give A Fuck!

I was looking at a picture of myself the other day...probably almost two years old. As I looked at it, I saw no difference in my body back then than it is now. Back then I was probably in the 150-160lb range (which is a lot for my 5' frame) and now I am sitting at a relatively healthy 123lbs. But in my eyes, I look exactly the same but since then, I feel differently about myself. This made me start thinking about my relationship with the ex and how when we fooled around, my shirt was always left on. I never made an effort to take it off, he certainly made no effort to take it off for me. He never put his hands anywhere near my stomach. Always skipping from my breasts to my crotch; always avoiding the dreaded tum-tum. I thought I deserved this; I didn't like looking at me completely naked, why would he? After we broke up, I did feel a little better about myself but I still saw fat when I looked in the mirror. I guess it just didn't really matter at that point though.

The night with DB was a lot of firsts for me. He crashed at my house, sharing my bed with me because it was no big deal. I really did not think anything would happen, I was decked out in valor pj pants and an old ratty shirt. I also clutched my teddy bear, Pola, as I normally would. Clearly, if I thought there would be some sexy time, I would have made an effort to wear cute pj's and leave Pola on the floor for the night. So, you can imagine that I was more than a little shocked when a half an hour later, I woke up to the front of his body pressed against my back, hands making there way to my ta-tas. I quickly rolled over to face him. "Are you sure?" I asked. "Ya, are you?" Before I could answer he leaned forward pressing his lips to mine with a strong kiss, filled with the urgency and pressure that I was feeling as well. Quickly stripped of his clothes, he went for mine. Pants, off. He started to pull my shirt over my head and I grabbed hold of the bottom, tugging it back down. He gave me this look, sighed and said "Fuck off...seriously, c'mon now." Shirt, off. It was amazing to me how comfortable I felt with his hands exploring the top part of my body. He didn't skip from the girls right to my unders, his hands moved across my tummy without a grimace or a flinch. Maybe it was all in my mind but my fat (and his major lack of fat that would usually be extremely unattractive to me) didn't bother either of us. But it's not so difficult to feel comfortable when you're already so comfortable with a person and there's no feelings involved. I really did not care what he thought of me.

The same sort of feelings were involved with the others. It just didn't matter to me if they thought I could stand to lose a few pounds...it didn't ever seem to matter to them either. Never was my stomach the focus of the night, but it was never shunned from like with the ex. But then there was G. I can honestly say, I don't remember much of the first night and the next day was more filled with sheer embarrassment of how I may have behaved, drunk as I was, than with concern of what he thought about my body. In the days that followed, I came to a huge realization. When we'd sit or lay together, his hands always rested or caressed my flabby little belly...almost as if he liked it. *GASP* When it was time for the sexy shenanigans to ensue, he took his sweet time caressing the little pooch. WTF?! Never in my life, had I ever thought that not only could a man not care, but actually find it sexy...but he did. I did my very best to put all insecurities aside and allow him to revel in all my belly-glory. And so I've now come to this conclusion, real men just don't give a fuck if you've got some belly fat. They just don't care...and some even like it. From now on, shirt always off!

Drained like a mother fucker!

I had my counseling today. I really think it went well. I think she's a good match for me. I'm feeling really fucking drained though. I can't remember the last time I cried so hard. My sessions have been postponed because my counselor wants me to deal with my anxiety problems (with a mental health counselor and possibly medication) first because she wants to really delve into everything and is concerned that it could make my anxiety issues worse for a short period of time.

So let's cross our fingers and hope this works out; I would give my right fucking arm to feel normal again.

I've also made a gym date with a friend for tomorrow. I know that I'll feel better once I start going back to the gym, it is just so hard for me to actually go. But now I've made it so I have to go. Wish me luck!

P.S. I need to get laid!!!!!!!! Fuck! I gotta find a FWB soon or my hand is gonna fucking fall off.

Super Sigh

I wish I could say I feel better since my overly depressing post a few weeks back...but I don't. I'm getting some help though. I have set up counseling with a Women's Resource Center. I've also been referred to Mental Health to get help with my anxiety/depression. I'm mostly against taking medication but I'm trying really hard to be open to that possibility right now.

I'm trying to stay positive though. It's hard, and there's a part of me that doesn't want to even try to be positive but I think, for the sake of the people I love, I need to at least try to pretend that I'm alright.

I imagine that I won't be blogging much because I actually feel guilty that the last months of my blog have been relatively depressing (it was not the original intent of my blog to be like a journal of my own self pity) and I just can't see anyone wanting to read this anymore. I'll most definitely keep up with blogging anything that I feel is blog worthy but for the most part, I think the posts will be pretty far apart. Bare with me, guys. I promise that one day (soon hopefully) my blog will be more positive and entertaining.

I'll also post tattoo pictures soon! My first sitting is on the 14th (Weeeeee!)

Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto

So I don't know about you guys but I love love love fashion/make up blogs. I find it a little odd though, seeing as my own sense of style is pretty basic. So this is my blog post, making fun of myself and my fashion sense.

First things first, Chucks! I wear them every single day. Here are my new ones:



and this is what Chucks that have been worn every single day, look like after almost two years (winter months included). Please note all the holes.



And next, the studded belt. Also worn every day.



Ah yes, the red skull tee. Bought for $3 at Value Village, fits me perfectly.




STEGOSUARUS!




Dropkick Murphy's...yet another great shirt. I lost this recently, for almost a year! The day I found it was just about one of the best days of my life.



The bone-hoodie. I bought it at H&M last summer.



My size 9 jeans!!



And my all time favorite T-shirt!



That's right...STYX! Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto!



And now onto some basic hair/make up stuff

First, my MAC foundation. If I could afford for all my make up to be MAC then I'd be a happy camper. Unfortunately, the foundation is all I can do.



And then we have my Body Shop Mascara and Annabelle black eyeliner (and my cat's paw)...seriously, this is all I wear



Now we have the most expensive thing I purchase. Givenchy Hot Couture perfume! HEAVEN!



Hair products!!!!!

My Redken Hair Starch!



My flatiron!



My prizmsplus purple hair dye



And finally, my Nivea Visage cleansing/toning/moisturizing jazz.



Well folks, there it is. My Fashion/Makeup Blog!!!

Let's be totally honest

This is not a post where I want everyone to comment about how I need to give it time, or that I'll eventually find someone or something that changes everything. This isn't meant to be a feel sorry for me post, I just feel as though I need to be honest. I also feel like writing this out might help me figure out what's going on in my head.

I'm in a place where my life isn't where I want it to be. I don't know how to change it. I am not hoping to be happy, I'm just hoping to be content in my life. I don't expect my life to be hunky dory or anything, I just want to be generally content.

I felt like going back to school would at least give me something to work towards which would be satisfying in some way, but really all it has done is brought on a greater sense of depression. As I struggle through school, I consistently think about how this is only my first year and it's just going to get harder and I'm just going to get more stressed out.

I thought that by going out and socializing I would feel better, I would at least be having fun. Fun doesn't make me feel content though. I have fun for one night or whatever and then I go back to feeling shitty.

A friend said to me the other day "I felt the same way, and one day I just felt I can choose to live my life otherwise I might as well just fucking die right now" She chose to live her life, and she's happy (or content because I hate the word happy.) When she told me that, my first thought was "ya, just fucking die right now, that sounds pretty fucking good to me." I told her that if I had to choose...I'd choose the latter.

This isn't a suicide anything. I'm not suicidal, I don't want to kill myself, I just want to go to bed and not wake up. Or, at the very least, go to bed and wake up somewhere else. I just don't feel like there's anything left for me here but I can't bring myself to leave.

So where do I go from here? Do I continue with my mundane life where I get up every morning and go to a job that I don't really like (but it pays my bills, and is flexible with school), only to come home to do homework or simply just go to bed because there's nothing worth staying up for. Where I wake up, alone, and start it all over again? Or do I man up and get the fuck out of here? My concern with leaving is that I'm going to wake up somewhere else feeling exactly the same way I do now and I won't have the support network to save me.

So, I'll sign off now and go to bed, only to begin the same bullshit again tomorrow.

I've jinxed them

So, if you recall my last post, I made mention of how I loved that DB was with Girl Version and I hoped that they stayed together for a long time. Well...they broke up. It's really disappointing. He has got to get his shit together.

And then, G called me today, I asked him how it was going and he responded with a "I'm okay. I'm really overwhelmed. There's a lot going on right now, none of which I want to get into. My life is just going to be completely changed and I guess I'm kind of stressed out." Okay, he just blurted all this out. How do you even respond to that? All I could say was "okaaaaaaaay. So if you don't want ot talk about this, why'd you call?" He called to tell me about one of his concerts. But seriously, it makes me wonder what's going on that can be so life changing. Like did he knock some girl up or something? I swear to god if he has met some girl and randomly gotten engaged, I'm going to fucking kill myself. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating but seriously I can not handle another engagement right now. Mentally incapable is what I am in regards to handling something like this.

10pm Grilled Cheese

It's Monday night, 10:20pm and I'm sitting in front of my computer with a beer and a grilled cheese. Why am I telling you this? Because the most excitement I have in my life is late night grilled cheese sandwiches and a bottle of cheap (yet, delicious) beer. How sad is that?

Actually, something exciting did happen in the last few days. One of my very close friends from Ontario came down to visit. This friend of mine used to date DB a long, long time ago. They broke up, and remained friends. When she visits she usually spends 90% of her time with him, about 7% with her family, and the remaining 3% with me and a few other friends. I wondered how it would be this time because all the other times she's visited, DB has been single. This time however, he's with Girl Version now and they're doing really well (and as far as I'm concerned, I hope they stay together forever!) So it's really no surprise that he hasn't made an effort to see her since she's come down. This left ample amounts of time for her to spend with me...except, I CAN'T HANDLE MUCH MORE OF HER!!!

I feel like a bad friend because I'm getting so friggin' annoyed with her and I haven't seen her in over a year. She has a tendency to mother me though. It bothers me a lot, but when it's over the phone, I can just zone out. When it's in person though...ughhh annoyed. It's not like I don't respect my friends advice, it's just that she mother's me about the most ridiculous things and it often feels like she thinks she knows more about everything because she is a few years older.

I love the girl to death, but her being down here, makes me feel like I have to entertain her. And then when we go out to one of the 3 bars, she complains about how lame it is in this town (like it was a surprise to her...uh you lived here for 22 years you should know what it's gonna be like) and sorta makes me feel like it's my fault. It's not like we haven't had fun, I think I can only handle so much of her though. She seems like she's expecting me to entertain her while she's down. She has other friends out here, and her family lives out here so I really wasn't expecting to have her attached at my hip the whole time.

I managed to get away the rest of tonight, and I'm feeling a little better but I still needed to vent. So, do you think I'm a bad friend?

end rant.

You guys deserve an embarassing Amanda moment

So today, I get home and my schedule has been a little off lately so I was surprised that when I got home today I really had to poop (it's usually in the morning.) No biggy, I enjoy a good poop occasionally, nothing to be embarrassed about there. So I sit on the john, do my business and it's time to clean up. And as I'm wiping my behind, my sweater sleeve slides down and becomes my toilet paper!!! Ohhhhh hell no. Stupid sweater. Obviously that went right in the wash. And then in the trash once it was cleaned. There's no way I can keep "poop-sweater" around, clean or not. Every time I'd put it on, I'd be reminded of the day where I wiped my ass with my sweater sleeve.

I suppose it could have been worse. I could have had a boyfriend that would have asked me why I was I came out of the bathroom hanging on to my sweater as though it was some sort of biohazard (it kinda was.)

Engaged....pffffft to that

So I found out quite recently that horrible ex is now engaged...to the slutbag that he cheated on me with. Engaged!

I realize the "slutbag" comment sounds like I'm bitter, but in my defense, she's a self proclaimed slut. So really, all I'm doing is giving her the lack of respect she asked for when she told us one time about getting gang-banged at a party. Of course that comment was made before she was sleeping with my then-boyfriend.

I dislike my ex. I even disliked him before we broke up and before I found out that he'd been cheating on me. I'm not pining over him. That being said, I do care about the fact that he's engaged. It's affecting me for some reason.

I'm trying really hard not to be affected by this but I am...fuck, am I ever. The irrational girl side of me is screaming "I couldn't even be good enough for a douchebag like him!"

Maybe my being affected by it has to do with the fact that I've had a major lack of relationships in the past year+ (G doesn't count as a relationship). I think this whole thing has caused a major self esteem implosion. I feel totally inadequate at the moment, like I'll never be good enough for anyone and I'll turn into a crazy cat lady (or at least a crazier cat lady.)

I'm no longer sure how I feel about karma. If karma was real then wouldn't I be the one in a relationship and he'd be the one sitting at home wondering if he's good enough to be with anyone.