Surgery

My dad is home from the hospital. His surgery went well. He is experiencing the more minor side effects that were possible and seeing as it could have been a lot worse, these minor side effects aren't so bad. I brought him some groceries and some dinner. I rented him a few movies and offered to come with him to his post-surgery appointment. He seems well enough to take care of himself. That is a load off of my mind, as horrible as that sounds. I thought long and hard about how much I could deal with as far as taking care of him went, and honestly I thought that I really couldn't deal with much. His condition, at the moment, makes me think that he won't need me as much as I prepared for.

...

I wonder if you know how much my heart hurts. All because you made me be vulnerable when I promised myself I never would be again and I regret that.

...Mentor my ass

So a little while ago I thought it would be a good idea to volunteer at our youth resource center as a youth mentor. I was excited about it. A lot of the time these youth are emancipated from their parents and lack a lot of basic skills like cooking. I would get to teach them things like cooking and budgeting as well as being a friend to them. The thing is, now that the youth worker has interviewed me and done a background check I'm starting to get nervous. Ha! What kind of mentor would I be...one of those "do as I say not as I do" mentors?

Amanda's possible mentoring quotes:

"Listen, I know you'll want to get drunk and sleep with him but don't do it...and you will do it even though I told you not to so make sure you use a condom. And if you don't use a condom make sure you go to planned parenthood and get the morning after pill. And when you're lying there sick as a dog from the morning after pill don't call me because I can't handle sick people and I especially can't handle vomit"

"Sure I'll buy you smokes"

"Once you start drinking, hand a good friend your cell phone to keep safe. Nothing worse than waking up and having a text msg from a boy you like that says "did you mean dink or drunk?" And then going through sent text msgs and realizing you texted him "why were you being such a dunk tonight?" Stupid T9

"Just because the Katy Perry song is playing doesn't mean you have to kiss girls"

"Rye stays down better than vodka. If it doesn't stay down, rye doesn't hurt as much coming up either. Win-win."

"It doesn't matter how hot the guy is, don't try to impress him by attempting to out drink him. It'll be messy"

"Wash your sheets before you go out for a night of drinking, you never know who'll be sleeping on them later."

This is gonna be interesting. I'm potentially the worst role model ever.

Weird!

I just had to paint a fake toenail on my baby toe. My baby toenail just fucking fell off this morning. How weird is that? It didn't hurt or anything, like it didn't pull off; it literally just fell off. I felt weird walking around in my flip flops with purple painted toenails and one unpainted nailless toe so I just painted where my toenail used to be.

Odd thing is, this isn't even close to the first time it's happened...happens all the time. Weirder is that I was talking to a friend last night about how it happens all the time and then this morning it just fell off.

A Whole New Low

We might be writing DB off as a friend. I'm not going to get into all the details, it's more or less just standing up for my girls but the intensity of disgust I feel towards him right now is pretty high.

I will say that Girl Version and I have turned into pretty good friends. She's got a kind heart and obviously would stand up for any and all of her friends. After they broke though, DB and I hung out more often. Nothing inappropriate happened, just friends. Occasionally I was reminded why I disliked him some of the time, but for the most part he was a decent friend. He came over on Sunday for a bbq...he told me about this girl he's smitten over. I've never heard him used the word smitten before and he seemed generally excited about her so I was excited for him. Until of course he drops the bomb..."yah Girl Version actually introduced us." I'm sorry, what did you say? You're going to put the moves on your ex girlfriend's friend? I said "is that really cool? I mean, you guys broke up not too long ago and we both know that it wasn't her idea." He gave me a dirty look and then shrugged.

I said, "DB, this is so against the rules, c'mon now." "Girl Version isn't like that. She won't care. And besides this girl has a boyfriend anyways," he responds. I love how he justifies everything for the sake of getting laid. I laughed, I know him so well, "like her having a boyfriend would stop you." He replies, "haha you're right. It wouldn't stop me. The boyfriend factor should only stop her, and seriously, who can resist me." Oh the arrogance (but it's true, he's nearly impossible to resist!)

I tell him again that I think what he's doing isn't right, not without talking to Girl Version first. I thought I had gotten through to him. Later on in the evening I see a bit of an angry FB status from Girl Version. I text her and ask if she's okay. She said, "I'm alright but DB and my friendship will never be alright ever again." An hour later, I had heard every disgusting, douchebag, sneaky, manipulative thing he'd pulled in their relationship, and going after her best friend is nothing compared to the other things. I literally was shaking with anger and disgust. I felt disgusted that I had even spent time with him earlier. I really don't want to go into all the details because despite that this is an anonymous blog, what she told me was incredibly personal and I don't feel like it's something that needs to be aired to whomever reads the blog. Trust me when I tell you that it's despicable.


I'm pretty worried about running into him because he will most definitely get an earful from me. I don't think I could hold back. I always knew that he used women for sex, but I never knew to what extent and how manipulative he could be. Obviously the boy has issues, and one of these days those issues are going to catch up to him. The most ridiculous thing is, Girl Version said towards the end of our conversation. "I just needed a little more time. If they gave me a little more time and talked to me about it, I would have set them up!" Smh

Tough Times

I just found out that my dad has to have surgery. He tried to downplay it but it sounds serious. He has a tumor, I guess in his gland. It's like right under his ear, along his jawline. It's big...you can definitely see it. He was pretty sure that it's not cancerous, at least that's what he told me. He said the biggest concern is that there is a major nerve that goes right through the tumor so after it's been removed there is an incredibly good chance of face paralysis (and not to mention a fucking huge chunk of his face missing.) In good old fashion dad-style, he joked about it. We talked about how we'd make up stories about how he rescued babies and puppies from a burning building and that's how he got the scar. We joked about it all afternoon. It's our way of dealing with things, just make it funny.

This brings up a lot of crazy thoughts for me. In general, I've always thought my dad was a major douchebag. We can definitely have fun but a lot of the time, I see him and end up feeling totally inadequate. Now I sort of feel weird about him. I should have put more effort in. What if he has to go through this and not have anyone to help him through it? I feel like shit because there's a big part of me that just can not imagine seeing my dad on a regular basis regardless of the situation; I'm not sure if I could emotionally handle it but I have to be here for him. I just don't know how.

70's Porn Bush!

A few days ago I got out of the shower all nice and squeaky clean. Did a quick dry off (I'm lazy when it comes to drying off. Normally I'm putting on my pants still soaking wet and all the fabric clings and it's weird) and proceeded to put on some fresh pajama pants. Later on as I was sitting on the couch, I noticed that my entire crotch area was basically soaking wet. My first thought, oddly enough, was "did I piss myself?" I mean how else could the crotch of my pants have gotten soaked? This thought was short lived as I quickly realize that one doesn't usually urinate in their pants without noticing. So then the more logical reason came to mind...it's probably due to the fact that I didn't dry off well and I haven't shaved my bush since...the last time I was with G. I'm goin' au naturel right at the moment. So the mass of pubic hair that had absorbed all of my shower water was the cause of my wet crotch. After solving that mystery, I started thinking...

Why the fuck do girls shave their pubic hair into patterns?! Seriously, why? Do they think it's cute? It's not cute, it's creepy. Am I opposed to shaving my cooch? Not if I'm getting action. If I'm getting action, a shaved bush or mostly shaved bush (I don't think the classic landing strip counts as a shape) is polite. Do girls actually shave their pubes into shapes, like lightning bolts? Or is this just something that people talk about but no one actually does (because it's stupid?)

So right now I'm sporting the 70's porn bush. It's fucking empowering (and a little itchy)! I revel at the jungle of pubes peaking out from the sides of my underwear. It's a nice relief from the razor burn and ingrown hairs. I like my bush! Yes, even the hair that grows in my ass crack. You all just got wide eyed and disturbed, didn't you?! Did she actually just say "hair that grows in my ass crack?!"...Yes, yes I did. And ya know what?! Don't even try to deny it; I have proof. A friend of mine once talked to her friend who is a waxer and according to her waxer every girl has hair in their ass crack. Right up to the butthole and sometimes a little further. So there! Add that to the list of things I need to teach my future daughter. 1. Girls poop and fart and shouldn't be embarrassed by it (at least not around their friends.) 2. Masturbation is normal. When girls say that they don't masturbate, they're lying (unless you're Sis who didn't even try to masturbate until she was in her 20's...poor girl.) 3. You will eventually get hair in your butt crack, just know that all girls have this.

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

I am:

A computer nerd. I love World of Warcraft. I can play for hours but I don't because I can not afford the $20/month it costs to be on it. I also love The Sims (and am anxiously awaiting the release of The Sims 3.) Sometimes if I play for too long, I start to think in The Sims. For those that play, there are bars at the bottom the show how hungry, tired, happy etc they are. After I've played, and say for example I get up to go to the bathroom, I imagine my "bathroom bar" going back to green. Jeez.

I'm socially awkward. It's why I drink. I don't make friends easily because I have a hard time talking to people.

I keep a budget. I follow a budget. I adjust my budget constantly. I'm obsessed with budgeting. Being in debt scares the shit out of me. I'm having a very difficult time being slightly in debt because of school, even though school is an alright reason to be in debt.

I am severely addicted to reading. I read all sorts of books. My ideal night would involve a nice cup of earl gray tea, a cozy blanket, some good tunes, and a book. I think books are the only thing that keeps me sane. It's like an escape. Even though this is an unfair comparison, I think of it like how a drug addict uses drugs to escape from real life. I escape through books.

I am incredibly unlady like. I burp, fart, and talk about pooping and I'm not ashamed of any of it. I know when it's not the right time to let a loud belch (and trust me, I could win any burping contest, they are loud) and I'm not rude. But sitting with my friends or while at work (I work with all men) I have no problem letting one out. I don't get embarrassed by my farting. And you know how girls quite often feel the need to announce when they have to pee? I will tell you when I have to poo.

I make inappropriate and offensive jokes. I get it from my dad. My favorite joke as a child was "What's more disgusting than 10 dead puppies in a barrel? 1 dead puppy in 10 barrels." They've only gotten more morbid and disturbing as I've grown up. I'm actually a little ashamed of what comes out of my mouth sometimes.

I once said "Fuck the Pope" in front of my Catholic (albeit mostly non-practicing) grandparents. How fucked up is that? I don't really remember the context of it. It must have been something about "the Pope would never approve of that." And "Fuck the Pope" was my response to that comment. It was an accident, I swear.

I've always wanted to be in a fight. I seriously want to punch some girl out. No girl in particular (although right now I can think of at least one girl I'd like to knock out) but I just want to take my aggression out on some snotty mouthed cunt one time, instead of just getting annoyed and walking away.

Since the word has already been said, I might as well add this to the list. I don't find "cunt" to be an offensive word and I usually use it quite regularly.

I can drive manual transmission. I don't ever intend to have an automatic vehicle. I will always drive a standard. Truth be told, it kind of turns me on. I don't know why, there is just something hot about shifting gears. Weird, right?

I'm almost resentful about the people I care about being happy and in love. It's really hard to see everyone I care about being happy with their significant other while I'm all alone. That makes me feel like a bad person.

Untitled.

I walked into the coffee shop early this morning to get my caffeine fix. I walked in and got my tea. I was just about to walk out the door when I ran right into G. I should have known that I couldn't avoid him for the rest of my life (as previously planned) and I should have known that going into this place at 7am would be the one and only time I'd run into him here. He stood there looking sexy as hell (as per usual) and had that slightly serious and quizzical expression on his face. I think I blushed immediately when I saw him. He smiled his quirky half-smile at me and asked how I was. I stammered slightly but managed to get out an "alright, you?" He invited me to sit and have coffee with him. My brain thought "NO! DON'T DO IT!" but my heart had other plans.

Coffee went well. Small talk on what we've been up to these past few months. I asked how his band was, he asked how my finals went. We ended up spending a few hours just talking about everything. He looked at me the way he used to. My heart raced.

Before I knew it, we were back at my house to watch a movie. The movie ended too soon and we were standing in my foyer. He brushed my hair away from my face and pulled me into him for a hug. I automatically felt comfortable. We looked into each others eyes and I knew what was about to happen. He leaned forward towards me and then...

I fucking woke up. There's nothing worse than waking up from an amazing dream realizing it was only (and will only ever be) a dream. Feeling heartbroken and kinda of lame right now.

Yup, it's still me!

So I was playing around with different templates (because that's all I have to do on a Friday night...lame) and obviously I've taken the blog style to something a little more rad and awesome then the boring basic pink.

I added a poll, vote if you like it or not! If there is an overwhelming majority of people that don't like it, I'll change it to something else.

Wasn't expecting this...

I was feeling really kinda lonely the other night and although I'm a little against the whole internet dating thing, I hopped on the Plentyoffish bandwagon for a few moments just to check it out.

So I checked out a few profiles. Number 1, totally my style. Tall (so he claims), dark, scruffy, handsome, tattoos. Good music taste, into outdoorsy things. And yet, somehow not enough. Number 2, a little shorter than I normally like but still acceptable. Music was a little off my taste but nothing I can't handle. Really into tattoos and really into that sexy manly stuff like cars and camping. But apparently not worth my time. This goes on for a few more profiles. Perfectly acceptable, date-worthy boys that I didn't seem interested in.

I started to question whether or not I had the guts to put myself out there on something like this. But then I went back and looked at a few profiles over again and I started picking out things that weren't good enough. I started comparing every profile. I came to the realization, shortly after this that none of these guys were good enough because they weren't G. *sigh* I thought I was over him. Of course I completely pushed him out of my life and I stopped letting myself think about him so how was I supposed to know that I was still in major like with him. FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!