Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto

So I don't know about you guys but I love love love fashion/make up blogs. I find it a little odd though, seeing as my own sense of style is pretty basic. So this is my blog post, making fun of myself and my fashion sense.

First things first, Chucks! I wear them every single day. Here are my new ones:



and this is what Chucks that have been worn every single day, look like after almost two years (winter months included). Please note all the holes.



And next, the studded belt. Also worn every day.



Ah yes, the red skull tee. Bought for $3 at Value Village, fits me perfectly.




STEGOSUARUS!




Dropkick Murphy's...yet another great shirt. I lost this recently, for almost a year! The day I found it was just about one of the best days of my life.



The bone-hoodie. I bought it at H&M last summer.



My size 9 jeans!!



And my all time favorite T-shirt!



That's right...STYX! Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto!



And now onto some basic hair/make up stuff

First, my MAC foundation. If I could afford for all my make up to be MAC then I'd be a happy camper. Unfortunately, the foundation is all I can do.



And then we have my Body Shop Mascara and Annabelle black eyeliner (and my cat's paw)...seriously, this is all I wear



Now we have the most expensive thing I purchase. Givenchy Hot Couture perfume! HEAVEN!



Hair products!!!!!

My Redken Hair Starch!



My flatiron!



My prizmsplus purple hair dye



And finally, my Nivea Visage cleansing/toning/moisturizing jazz.



Well folks, there it is. My Fashion/Makeup Blog!!!

Let's be totally honest

This is not a post where I want everyone to comment about how I need to give it time, or that I'll eventually find someone or something that changes everything. This isn't meant to be a feel sorry for me post, I just feel as though I need to be honest. I also feel like writing this out might help me figure out what's going on in my head.

I'm in a place where my life isn't where I want it to be. I don't know how to change it. I am not hoping to be happy, I'm just hoping to be content in my life. I don't expect my life to be hunky dory or anything, I just want to be generally content.

I felt like going back to school would at least give me something to work towards which would be satisfying in some way, but really all it has done is brought on a greater sense of depression. As I struggle through school, I consistently think about how this is only my first year and it's just going to get harder and I'm just going to get more stressed out.

I thought that by going out and socializing I would feel better, I would at least be having fun. Fun doesn't make me feel content though. I have fun for one night or whatever and then I go back to feeling shitty.

A friend said to me the other day "I felt the same way, and one day I just felt I can choose to live my life otherwise I might as well just fucking die right now" She chose to live her life, and she's happy (or content because I hate the word happy.) When she told me that, my first thought was "ya, just fucking die right now, that sounds pretty fucking good to me." I told her that if I had to choose...I'd choose the latter.

This isn't a suicide anything. I'm not suicidal, I don't want to kill myself, I just want to go to bed and not wake up. Or, at the very least, go to bed and wake up somewhere else. I just don't feel like there's anything left for me here but I can't bring myself to leave.

So where do I go from here? Do I continue with my mundane life where I get up every morning and go to a job that I don't really like (but it pays my bills, and is flexible with school), only to come home to do homework or simply just go to bed because there's nothing worth staying up for. Where I wake up, alone, and start it all over again? Or do I man up and get the fuck out of here? My concern with leaving is that I'm going to wake up somewhere else feeling exactly the same way I do now and I won't have the support network to save me.

So, I'll sign off now and go to bed, only to begin the same bullshit again tomorrow.

I've jinxed them

So, if you recall my last post, I made mention of how I loved that DB was with Girl Version and I hoped that they stayed together for a long time. Well...they broke up. It's really disappointing. He has got to get his shit together.

And then, G called me today, I asked him how it was going and he responded with a "I'm okay. I'm really overwhelmed. There's a lot going on right now, none of which I want to get into. My life is just going to be completely changed and I guess I'm kind of stressed out." Okay, he just blurted all this out. How do you even respond to that? All I could say was "okaaaaaaaay. So if you don't want ot talk about this, why'd you call?" He called to tell me about one of his concerts. But seriously, it makes me wonder what's going on that can be so life changing. Like did he knock some girl up or something? I swear to god if he has met some girl and randomly gotten engaged, I'm going to fucking kill myself. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating but seriously I can not handle another engagement right now. Mentally incapable is what I am in regards to handling something like this.

10pm Grilled Cheese

It's Monday night, 10:20pm and I'm sitting in front of my computer with a beer and a grilled cheese. Why am I telling you this? Because the most excitement I have in my life is late night grilled cheese sandwiches and a bottle of cheap (yet, delicious) beer. How sad is that?

Actually, something exciting did happen in the last few days. One of my very close friends from Ontario came down to visit. This friend of mine used to date DB a long, long time ago. They broke up, and remained friends. When she visits she usually spends 90% of her time with him, about 7% with her family, and the remaining 3% with me and a few other friends. I wondered how it would be this time because all the other times she's visited, DB has been single. This time however, he's with Girl Version now and they're doing really well (and as far as I'm concerned, I hope they stay together forever!) So it's really no surprise that he hasn't made an effort to see her since she's come down. This left ample amounts of time for her to spend with me...except, I CAN'T HANDLE MUCH MORE OF HER!!!

I feel like a bad friend because I'm getting so friggin' annoyed with her and I haven't seen her in over a year. She has a tendency to mother me though. It bothers me a lot, but when it's over the phone, I can just zone out. When it's in person though...ughhh annoyed. It's not like I don't respect my friends advice, it's just that she mother's me about the most ridiculous things and it often feels like she thinks she knows more about everything because she is a few years older.

I love the girl to death, but her being down here, makes me feel like I have to entertain her. And then when we go out to one of the 3 bars, she complains about how lame it is in this town (like it was a surprise to her...uh you lived here for 22 years you should know what it's gonna be like) and sorta makes me feel like it's my fault. It's not like we haven't had fun, I think I can only handle so much of her though. She seems like she's expecting me to entertain her while she's down. She has other friends out here, and her family lives out here so I really wasn't expecting to have her attached at my hip the whole time.

I managed to get away the rest of tonight, and I'm feeling a little better but I still needed to vent. So, do you think I'm a bad friend?

end rant.

You guys deserve an embarassing Amanda moment

So today, I get home and my schedule has been a little off lately so I was surprised that when I got home today I really had to poop (it's usually in the morning.) No biggy, I enjoy a good poop occasionally, nothing to be embarrassed about there. So I sit on the john, do my business and it's time to clean up. And as I'm wiping my behind, my sweater sleeve slides down and becomes my toilet paper!!! Ohhhhh hell no. Stupid sweater. Obviously that went right in the wash. And then in the trash once it was cleaned. There's no way I can keep "poop-sweater" around, clean or not. Every time I'd put it on, I'd be reminded of the day where I wiped my ass with my sweater sleeve.

I suppose it could have been worse. I could have had a boyfriend that would have asked me why I was I came out of the bathroom hanging on to my sweater as though it was some sort of biohazard (it kinda was.)

Engaged....pffffft to that

So I found out quite recently that horrible ex is now engaged...to the slutbag that he cheated on me with. Engaged!

I realize the "slutbag" comment sounds like I'm bitter, but in my defense, she's a self proclaimed slut. So really, all I'm doing is giving her the lack of respect she asked for when she told us one time about getting gang-banged at a party. Of course that comment was made before she was sleeping with my then-boyfriend.

I dislike my ex. I even disliked him before we broke up and before I found out that he'd been cheating on me. I'm not pining over him. That being said, I do care about the fact that he's engaged. It's affecting me for some reason.

I'm trying really hard not to be affected by this but I am...fuck, am I ever. The irrational girl side of me is screaming "I couldn't even be good enough for a douchebag like him!"

Maybe my being affected by it has to do with the fact that I've had a major lack of relationships in the past year+ (G doesn't count as a relationship). I think this whole thing has caused a major self esteem implosion. I feel totally inadequate at the moment, like I'll never be good enough for anyone and I'll turn into a crazy cat lady (or at least a crazier cat lady.)

I'm no longer sure how I feel about karma. If karma was real then wouldn't I be the one in a relationship and he'd be the one sitting at home wondering if he's good enough to be with anyone.

Lucky Number 7

Let's face it, the possibility of things working out with G and I, is slim to none. Coming to this realization sincerely made me sad. Not because I have fallen hopelessly in love with him or anything, but because it leaves me to face the fact that there will be a number 7. A seventh notch on my bedpost.

I feel that I need to say, I don't hold sex to be anything sacred. I'm obviously not opposed to casual sex but I didn't think it would get this far. At what point did I cross a line? A line has been crossed...I officially feel like a bit of a skank here, but where did I cross that line.

Number 1 was my first and, sadly, only boyfriend. Over 4 yrs with him and his asshole ways, left me looking for nothing but a fun and amazing sex buddy. I thought I had found that with number 2 (DB). That didn't pan out. But that's okay...2 is not a bad number for a 22 yr old girl. In fact, I thought it was a little low. 3 was Blue and although sleeping with him appeared to be a mistake because it could have been the reason why things didn't work out between us, but I still made a friend out of it and 3 really isn't a bad number at all. 4 (TS) was fun and I was definitely fine with having 4 as my number. And 5...Hands, well I never really got a chance to think about the number 5 because G came into my life so quickly after that. Finally, G makes 6. I was okay with 6 because we were "together" (ya, that deserves an eyeroll) but then it ended and I had to think about how I felt about sleeping with him.

If I had the time to think about 5 before G came along, well I think I would have been able to say "okay, lets leave it at 5 for a while...time to take a break and close those legs." So I guess I crossed the line at 5 (?) I don't know.

But now I sit here, and think...there will be a 7. I don't know if I can be okay with the number 7. So I can't help but think about the fact that I desperately need to get laid! But that would put me at this ridiculous number. I'm left trying to figure out if numbers are just numbers and that it shouldn't matter if I'm at 7 or 17 as long as I'm alright with what I'm doing, or if I should just buy a new vibrator and lock myself in my room. Oh the trials and tribulations of being possibly the most horny girl in the entire world.

Oh and, this morning I ate pie for breakfast. Weeeeeee!

Something clever?

Why is it that I have nothing interesting to say.

I wish I had some good (or even bad) news about G to share...but I don't. Nothing new in that area.

Nothing new with work.

Nothing new with family.

Nothing happened that would make me think "man, I should blog about this situation, it's effing crazy!"

I'm not complaining. Technically I should be happy right now. There's no drama going on. There's nothing "bad" in my life. But ya know, I kind of want a little drama, it makes life interesting. Life is boring right now.

I can't even think of a good list to make. If you guys have a list topic, let me know and I'll do my very best to fulfill it.

I once was lost, but now am found...or not

I'm feeling very unsettled as of late. Like my head is in one place but my physical self is in another I can not, for the life of me, concentrate on any of the necessary things that need to be dealt with. It took me a whopping 6 hours to clean my house yesterday. 6 fucking hours! It was a simple tidy, vacuum kinda clean, shoulda been an hour max. But I'd find myself just sitting down, staring at that piece of lint on the floor thinking "I wonder if my crappy ass vacuum will pick that up...I wonder what my mom is doing...I wonder what G is doing...Why does it smell like oranges over here" and so on. I feel like I've been overcome with a temporary case of insanity or perhaps just ADD.

My mind refuses to wrap itself around anything right now. Even if I do start thinking about important things (such as my looming midterm!) I can only concentrate on it for a few minutes before something distracts me.

I feel like the constant distractions might be my attempt at not feeling depressed. I've never really felt "lost" before but right now I do. I have to say, my friends, this is not a pleasant feeling. I feel as though I'm just wandering through my days with little, or no acknowledgment to what is going on around me. It's a truly terrible feeling.

Hrmmmmm I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm backs

It wasn't a long hiatus but a hiatus nonetheless. I've just been going through some personal/family issues that were occupying all the mental capacity I own. It's officially over now so I'm back to the blog.

And this is where I realize how lame I actually am...I have nothing to blog about. Nothing in my life right now is worthy of being mentioned. Nothing is comical, heartbreaking, or even remotely interesting.

Something better happen soon or I'm going to die of boredom.