Lucky Number 7

Let's face it, the possibility of things working out with G and I, is slim to none. Coming to this realization sincerely made me sad. Not because I have fallen hopelessly in love with him or anything, but because it leaves me to face the fact that there will be a number 7. A seventh notch on my bedpost.

I feel that I need to say, I don't hold sex to be anything sacred. I'm obviously not opposed to casual sex but I didn't think it would get this far. At what point did I cross a line? A line has been crossed...I officially feel like a bit of a skank here, but where did I cross that line.

Number 1 was my first and, sadly, only boyfriend. Over 4 yrs with him and his asshole ways, left me looking for nothing but a fun and amazing sex buddy. I thought I had found that with number 2 (DB). That didn't pan out. But that's okay...2 is not a bad number for a 22 yr old girl. In fact, I thought it was a little low. 3 was Blue and although sleeping with him appeared to be a mistake because it could have been the reason why things didn't work out between us, but I still made a friend out of it and 3 really isn't a bad number at all. 4 (TS) was fun and I was definitely fine with having 4 as my number. And 5...Hands, well I never really got a chance to think about the number 5 because G came into my life so quickly after that. Finally, G makes 6. I was okay with 6 because we were "together" (ya, that deserves an eyeroll) but then it ended and I had to think about how I felt about sleeping with him.

If I had the time to think about 5 before G came along, well I think I would have been able to say "okay, lets leave it at 5 for a while...time to take a break and close those legs." So I guess I crossed the line at 5 (?) I don't know.

But now I sit here, and think...there will be a 7. I don't know if I can be okay with the number 7. So I can't help but think about the fact that I desperately need to get laid! But that would put me at this ridiculous number. I'm left trying to figure out if numbers are just numbers and that it shouldn't matter if I'm at 7 or 17 as long as I'm alright with what I'm doing, or if I should just buy a new vibrator and lock myself in my room. Oh the trials and tribulations of being possibly the most horny girl in the entire world.

Oh and, this morning I ate pie for breakfast. Weeeeeee!

Something clever?

Why is it that I have nothing interesting to say.

I wish I had some good (or even bad) news about G to share...but I don't. Nothing new in that area.

Nothing new with work.

Nothing new with family.

Nothing happened that would make me think "man, I should blog about this situation, it's effing crazy!"

I'm not complaining. Technically I should be happy right now. There's no drama going on. There's nothing "bad" in my life. But ya know, I kind of want a little drama, it makes life interesting. Life is boring right now.

I can't even think of a good list to make. If you guys have a list topic, let me know and I'll do my very best to fulfill it.

I once was lost, but now am found...or not

I'm feeling very unsettled as of late. Like my head is in one place but my physical self is in another I can not, for the life of me, concentrate on any of the necessary things that need to be dealt with. It took me a whopping 6 hours to clean my house yesterday. 6 fucking hours! It was a simple tidy, vacuum kinda clean, shoulda been an hour max. But I'd find myself just sitting down, staring at that piece of lint on the floor thinking "I wonder if my crappy ass vacuum will pick that up...I wonder what my mom is doing...I wonder what G is doing...Why does it smell like oranges over here" and so on. I feel like I've been overcome with a temporary case of insanity or perhaps just ADD.

My mind refuses to wrap itself around anything right now. Even if I do start thinking about important things (such as my looming midterm!) I can only concentrate on it for a few minutes before something distracts me.

I feel like the constant distractions might be my attempt at not feeling depressed. I've never really felt "lost" before but right now I do. I have to say, my friends, this is not a pleasant feeling. I feel as though I'm just wandering through my days with little, or no acknowledgment to what is going on around me. It's a truly terrible feeling.

Hrmmmmm I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm backs

It wasn't a long hiatus but a hiatus nonetheless. I've just been going through some personal/family issues that were occupying all the mental capacity I own. It's officially over now so I'm back to the blog.

And this is where I realize how lame I actually am...I have nothing to blog about. Nothing in my life right now is worthy of being mentioned. Nothing is comical, heartbreaking, or even remotely interesting.

Something better happen soon or I'm going to die of boredom.

Fuck Valentines Day

I'm so fucking cranky right now. I hate not knowing where I stand with G. I hate that I can't read him. I never know what the fuck he is thinking. I hate this dance we're doing. I think I'm done. It's too hard to get to know someone with the hope of dating them eventually when you don't know if they still feel the same way. It's too fucking hard I tell ya. I can't handle that when I see him, it takes every ounce of me not to beg him to be my boyfriend (classy, right?)

I'm going to try to distance myself from him because I just don't want to play this game anymore. He seems like a pretty amazing guy and ideally I would like to be at least friends. But reality isn't like that. He's amazing and I can't just be friends with him without having a little break in my heart, at least not right now.

So, here I am, spending yet another V-day on my lonesome. And why the fuck do I care? I never paid attention to V-day when I was in a relationship, I could have cared less but when I'm alone, it's a big fucking deal apparently.

Plans for tonight...homework, laundry, laying on my living room floor with some seriously depressing music. Fun times.

Ah Friends...how do we feel about this?

G and my friendship seems to be going well. He came over last night to play some cards and watch a movie. It was good. Oh but the wanting of canoodling is so very strong.

My expectations with this friendship thing is probably too high. I do want to get to know him better but I also am yet to find anything I dislike about him and so my feelings for him tend to just get stronger. He's not the type of guy to hold on to me as a friend for the intent of another drunken hook up (he's not into drunken hook ups and despite our initial one, it was the first "anything" he's had in years) but I am concerned that I'm going to fall fucking head over heels for him and he's not going to tell me when/if his feelings for me change to "just friends" and I'll never get over him. With his ability to communicate his feelings to me, I have to assume he'll let me know if I should ever "write him off." I'm sincerely hoping he will anyways.

He asked me the other day what my biggest regret is...I said I didn't have one, but in all honesty, getting drunk and hooking up with him was my biggest regret to date. I hate that it left us both feeling like we're obligated to be in a relationship; now that we're out of that relationship, I really would like to get to a point where we are comfortable with the idea of giving it a shot but there's this fear now. Had I stayed sober (at least semi-sober) I wouldn't have slept with him; I wouldn't be in the position that I am now. We would have continued to do this awkward flirting and getting more comfortable with each other and just would have seen where it went. My expectations wouldn't be as high as they are now. High expectations = high insecurity levels.

That being said, no more getting shitfaced around him, period. This is me, holding myself accountable for this. If I do get drunk with him, you all have to comment with a "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!" Deal?

And there it is, the moment we've all been waiting for folks

He walks in my house this morning with this look on his face. I know this look, as I had the same look on my face. This is the look that has been planted on my face the last few days. The look that means, "WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?!" This idea of feeling like I have to compromise myself and my life just to keep a boyfriend has been bugging me. This relationship happened too fast. Even if it wasn't serious, it still happened too fast; there was too much pressure. I don't like pressure. He said, "maybe we should talk." He said he feels like we need to get to know each other better before we jump into anything (uh fella, we already jumped into something...remember?). It's not that I don't disagree, I do, I just feel like a complete idiot. But despite the very necessary break up (it seems ridiculous to even call it that because awkwardly sitting in silence is hardly a relationship) he wanted to stick around and hang out. We went for a walk; we actually were able to converse for once. It was kind of nice, but also kind of heartbreaking because I automatically understood that part of the reason we could talk was because the pressure was off.

We walked back to my place and he suggested we watch a movie. Last week, he brought this big book of movies over and before he left he suggested leaving them here (which, at the time, totally freaked me out). So through the book of movies we went and he stumbled upon Pans Labyrinth. I've always wanted to see it but knew it would be one of those movies that left me in tears; I tried to protest (he's not ready for Sobbing Amanda yet) but he insisted. So we watch it. I have to hide under the covers of my blanket to keep from showing him I was crying.

Movie over, he starts putting on his boots. He gives me a hug; I hand him his book of movies. He says "leave em here, we'll watch another one soon okay?" I must have given him this weird look or something because he looks down at me and says "just don't write me off alright?" WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?! UGHHHHHHHHH I hate it when things are left in the middle. Like, I know that this "break up" was necessary and I'm fully okay with just calling us friends and only having those expectations (because if that's the only expectations I have, I'll get over him that much faster) but giving me this "just don't write me off" bullshit is such...well, bullshit. So now, we're just friends with the possibility of more at some unknown point. Am I allowed to go out on other dates with other people? More importantly, am I allowed to fuck someone else in order to deal with this heartbreak (I do realize I need to stop using sex to get over boys but can we save that post for another day.)

Yarrrrrrr! That's really all I can say.

What the hell is the point?

What is the point in having a boyfriend if you're too busy to really spend any actual time together. I mean sure Geoff and I have hung out quite a bit but at the expense of my school work. I'm getting all my shit done, but I'm totally half assing it. I've already considered dropping a class next semester in order to have more time. I've put the whole kickboxing thing on the back burner as well. I do not want to be this kind of girl.

Why do boys automatically become the center of our universe. I am doing well with juggling work, school, staying fit and healthy but then throw a boy in the mix and I'm in a constant state of anxiety that I'm either not going to have enough time for him or I'm not going to have enough time for my regular every day junk.

Having a boyfriend is proving to be more taxing then I remember. Maybe it's because the last boyfriend I had, had me in a constant state of depression where all I had to worry about was work and trying not to piss him off. It was easier for me to just go home and plop myself down in front of a tv. Now I feel like if I sit down to watch some tv I'm being irresponsible. I should be studying so when I do have time to hang out with boyfriend, I won't have to worry about how I should be studying.

Oy ve!

He loves me, He loves me not

Sometimes I wonder what is actually wrong with me that I can be so very insecure.

Due to the drunken Friday night which I barely remember and the resulting relationship, I'm so panicked right now. I kind of regret not being able to continue the fun/awkwardness of trying to figure out when he's going to make a move or whatever. I hate that I can't remember our first kiss or even the first time we had sex. But I do like that we've settled into a relationship and it's out in the open.

That being said, I still can only assume I made a total fool of myself and can not, for the life of me, figure out why he'd want to be with the drunk slutty girl. But he seems like he does. He's always has this serious look on his face (the same look that made me once think he was an arrogant douche) and it terrifies me. This look of his has me constantly expecting him to change his mind about everything (because it happened so so fast) and dump me. He'll call me and say "can I stop by for a bit?" and I'll assume it's him needing to stop by to end things. Then he'll stop by and sit me down next to him and ask me about my day. He just wants to spend time with me and I get so hung up in my own insecurities that I'm having trouble appreciating what's in front of me.

Fuck...is there no end to panic and confusion?

Our first official date

Which seems funny to say because you know he's my boyfriend, but again, we are trying to take things slow.

He picked me up this morning at 9 (OMG! 9 am! He's a morning person...scary) and we went to the flea market in search of Tubular Bells on vinyl. We did not find it. Again, he's super awkward like me and he seems to have a lot of the same weird hang ups I do. Today's shared weird hang up...the flea market. So many people, so many odd smells, so little room. You could tell we were both getting anxious being there and so we left after a quick scan of the place.

We had breakfast and then went back to my house and played some crib and then decided to go to a movie. Since the movie didn't start for a few hours we just laid on my couch and napped (with a little bit of making out in there for good measure). I know we talked about taking it slow but you have no idea how badly I want to doooooo him.

So we went to the movies and then he dropped me off at home as he had a bunch of crap to do today. So that was that. First date a success I think. He was lovely, as he usually is. It was less awkward.

The whole idea of a relationship kind of terrifies me just a little. My last relationship was a really bad one and this one sort of happened really fast (way to fucking go Drunk Amanda.) I like that we're calling it a relationship, I'm just a little disappointed that I can't even remember the first time we kissed and how we ended up in my bed (surely it was my idea because I do slightly recall him offering to sleep on my couch.)

I guess we just continue the dating and see where it goes. The heartbreak still worries me though. My insecurities are running on an all time high right now and I'm scared shitless that at any moment he's going to realize all my flaws and end it.

Oh! One more thought! He doesn't smoke and even though he said it's okay if I do, I don't seem to have any problem at all not smoking around him.