Day 2

So today is day 2 on my anti-depressants/anti-anxiety. Day 1 was fucking rough. At about 7:30 am I took the first pill...20 minutes later I was fighting the urge to vomit. After I ate some crackers, I felt a lot better. And then about 5 minutes after that I started to feel really fidgety. The fidgety turned into jittery pretty quickly. Through out the day it got progressively worse. I couldn't stop shaking. I couldn't concentrate on my computer for very long and I was so so antsy. About 3 anxiety attacks later, I called the pharmacist. "Oh the jittery feeling is a pretty common side effect. It should go away within a few days; if it doesn't go away, make an appointment with your doctor." I asked what else I can do because I can't handle a few days of this. She told me I can take half a pill for a few days so the uppers aren't such a huge shock on my body. So that was my plan for today...

But I wasn't sure if I could do it. I expected the jittery thing to be gone by bed time but it wasn't. I tossed and turned (and cried from frustration!) all night long. I decided I couldn't take my next pill because I couldn't handle this particular side effect. But I decided to give the half pill a shot because it couldn't have been worse than day 1.

It wasn't. The jittering was still there but not in a way I couldn't handle it. I also noticed some other side effects...yawning. I've been yawning all day and apparently that is a side effect. It's kind of weird. It's totally bearable but also a lot more uncomfortable than you'd imagine. I also keep clenching my teeth. So many fucking side effects.

So I don't know how I'll deal with it once I start taking whole pills again...we'll see

There is no way in HELL I'm as crazy as you are, dude

So I had my appointment with Mental Health. I'm sitting in the waiting room and I can't help but notice everyone else in there. I glance to my left and there's a youngish guy sitting and filling out forms. He looked like a pretty normal dude, so probably going through the same kind of anxiety/depression I am...perhaps even depressed because he could be out of work due to the economy (of course he could have been some schizophrenic psychopath and I'd never know it.) Next is a girl that had a tiny little baby girl with her...perhaps some sort of post-partum depression. I noticed the guy to my right and he was pretty creepy looking and was picking at his arm scabs *shudder* Bored with people watching, I continued to fill out my forms.

As I was sitting there filling out my form, I heard the creepy guy constantly clearing his throat. After 5 minutes of listening to this guy clear his throat I couldn't help but look up. I glanced his way and he was like staring at me in the most creepy way. As soon as I looked at him he went "so...how's it going?" I gave him a bit of an odd look and said "fine, I guess." I looked back down and continued filling out my form. I think I shuddered a little with disgust. The guy just looked creepy. As I was filling out the part of the form that was about how you were referred, I couldn't help but giggled when I read "Court-ordered referral"...that creepy guy was so here because of a court order. Psycho!

I finished my forms and I was just waiting to be taken in and then I hear the guy start to clear his throat again. I can't help but glance up at this guy. I look at him and he was looking at me again and he said, "so what are you here for?" Excuse me? What the fuck! That is so beyond inappropriate; we're at mental health! I couldn't help but say "uhhh none of your business, dude." I said it as polite as possible, apparently I should have been far bitchier because the next thing that came out of his mouth was "I can't imagine this will take that long, what are you doing..." And then, thank fucking god, the lady came out and got me. As I walked away I was sure to give him the dirtiest look I could summon up. I could only assume he was going to ask me what I was doing afterward...not going anywhere near you, douchebag!

First off all, Mental Health is not the place to pick up chicks. Had we been in a coffee shop or something, I would have politely turned him down and pretended to be flattered. But we weren't in a coffee shop, we were at Mental Fucking Health! This kind of brings me to my next point, had we been in a coffee shop and he hit on me he still would have been far too creeptastic looking to even consider. I'm a firm believer that if you look creepy chances are you are creepy. I just couldn't believe it.

And for an update on the mental health front...my psychologist suggested I do a mixture of medication, counseling, and group therapy (group? WTF?) I'm going to be open minded about medication because obviously what I was doing before wasn't working. It's going to take me a little while to get used to the idea of group though. It just weirds me out.

I Fucking Hate Him!!!!

Did I fool you into thinking this was going to be an interesting blog post? It's not. Who do I hate? My massage therapist. I can not remember the last time I cried from physical pain but last thursday, and again today, I cried during my massage.

I thought it would a nice relaxing massage, like when I go to the spa...it's not. It's painful and makes me want to kill myself. Don't even get me started on my massage therapist either. I was a little relieved to see that he wasn't even remotely attractive as I think having a sexy masseuse would just make me self conscious. But then I've got this dorky, unattractive guy that is probably 15 yrs older then me digging his hairy knuckles into my back and trying to make small talk and it drives me fucking mental.

So if you guys see the headlines "Massage Patient Murders Unsuspecting Masseuse" and I disappear from the blog world...you know that this is me.

Something Always Comes Up

So I was all stoked to continue working out today and then at work I bent down and stood back up and it was like BAM! All of a sudden my entire back felt like it was on fire. I could hardly move the rest of the day. I ended up leaving work early and hitting up the walk in clinic. Doc says it's a pinched nerve and prescribed weekly massage therapy. WHAT? You mean I get to have a massage every week and it's covered?! Fuck, I'm pinching nerves left and right if it means I get to have tons of massages.

Unfortunately this means I have to 'rest' until I feel better. Which means working out is out of the question. No, I'm not lying, I asked the doctor if I could work out and he laughed in my face and said "not until that burning feeling goes away."