FWB Finally! Or maybe not!

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I'm sorry about your 3 hour long hard on...but I'm not doing anything about it

Huzzah! I'm alive. Sorry for the mini-blog-vacay but I needed a break. I know that sounds strange, but blogging about my life can sometimes be emotionally taxing. Anywho I'm back...with something to blog about for once.

Let's see...where to start. A while back (beginning of July I think) I took a week off work. During this week, I went up to my parent's summer condo with one of my best friends for the weekend. Oh the drunken tomfoolery that ensued. First of all, I went up there with a sprained ankle because of earlier
drunken tomfoolery. The weekend was great despite my sprained ankle...I did however have to wrap and ice it occasionally. We met up with some guys that were up there. They were younger but still cool. I got kinda flirty with one of them...he became my foot stool (ya know, had to keep that ankle elevated.) The boys decided to have a bonfire so on the way down the large set of cement steps to the fire pit I managed to miss a step and fall...re-spraining my already sprained ankle. This sucked! Except that it gave me an excuse to continue to use my new man-friend as a foot stool and that was nice. Eventually my ice pack got warm and my new man-friend suggested we go back to his condo to get me some ice. He piggy backed me all the way up the death stairs and back to his condo for ice. He asked "this deserves a hug ya?" Drunk Amanda replied, "Yaaaa, for sure!" So we hugged it out, and then all of a sudden we were making out. And then all of a sudden he was carrying me into the bedroom. The sex itself wasn't the greatest as far as orgasm potential but we had so much fun. Oh I totally love a good random sex night.

So that was that...as of late though, I've sort of met someone that has major boyfriend potential. We met on POF...sort of. He found me on POF and msged me, "you look familiar, how do I know you?" Turns out we have a ton of mutual friends. Anyways, we started talking on msn, he seemed really cool. We met up one night at a park to smoke a joint and I couldn't help but think about how friggin' cute he was. We talked some more and made "date" plans for a few nights later. Date night was a huge shock to me! He's a total metal head so I was really surprised to find that he's an absolute fucking gentleman. Opening car doors for me and such. Oh I was swooning, believe me. I was a little disappointed because all I got was a hug that night. Not a cuddle or a hand hold even. I really hate being a girl sometimes because my first thought when I got home was that he wasn't really interested because of the fact that he didn't try to put the moves on me but then we started talking on msn and we made a plan to go to the drive-in on the friday.

The drive-in was fucking amazing. I can't believe I've lived about 15 minutes away from it for so long and never gone! It's so neat...I can smoke and watch the movie all at the same time! We went to the 1:45am showing because he had gone to a football game earlier in the day and didn't think he'd get back into town until later. So at the movies, my mind was racing with thoughts about where I put my hand so he can try and hold it without looking really obvious and stuff. It was really really stupid. I hate dating, I hate having to think about stupid shit like that. Anyways though, I was sitting there getting really frustrated with myself because I just couldn't keep my mind on the movie and then all of a sudden he puts his arm around me and scooches over to cuddle up with me. We spent the entire movie just cuddling and laughing at the movie. He is a fantastic cuddler; he didn't just put his arm around me, he had his arm around me was rubbing my arm with his hand, and would rub my hand with free hand or push my hair out of my face. *swoon*

So we get back to my place at about 3:30ish in the morning and he asks if I want to smoke a joint, so we go up and have a beer, smoke a joint. We continue to cuddle up on the couch and throw in a movie. I got up for some reason, don't remember why and when I sat back down he kissed me. Have you ever looked at someone and thought to yourself "I bet they'd be a bad kisser and probably really bad in bed"? Well that was actually my first thought with him. Boy was I fucking wrong. He is, officially, the most amazing kisser. He uses just the tiny bit of tongue and does that sexy manly thing where they put their hand on the side of your face. So we start making out and he's blowing my fucking mind with his ability to kiss and I automatically want to strip down and fuck him. But I don't want to screw this up so in my head, I promised myself that as soon as he goes for my pants, I'm going to stop it and suggest it's getting late and that he go home. He never fucking went for my pants. We made out on my couch for like 3 hours. Finally, I was getting exhausted and I think he was too and he asked what time it was (oh about 6:45 in the morning) and he made a comment about how we're both going to be exhausted the next day. I told him he was welcome to crash with me but that I wasn't going to fuck him. He looked at my right in the eyes and said "I wasn't going to try, that's cool" so we went to bed and proceeded to make out and cuddle and sleep a tiny bit. I almost broke my promise to myself because when we really started making out I could tell he was going to be kinda rough in bed, which is a huge turn on. He'd bite my bottom lip occasionally and he'd put his hand through my hair and then slightly tug my hair to turn my head slightly. Oh man just thinking about it makes my girly parts tingle a little. I managed to stay strong though. Literally all that happened was that we made out, I felt bad that he spent almost the entire night with a huge fucking hard on and that he'd have no relief from me but he didn't seem bothered by it in the slightest.

So now I'm sitting here giddy, euphoric and swooning hard. Must stay strong. I've really wanted to have meaningful, intimate sex lately (probably from my last year and a half of slutting it up with randoms) so I'm going to wait with him. We'll see how long that lasts.

Real Men Don't Give A Fuck!

I was looking at a picture of myself the other day...probably almost two years old. As I looked at it, I saw no difference in my body back then than it is now. Back then I was probably in the 150-160lb range (which is a lot for my 5' frame) and now I am sitting at a relatively healthy 123lbs. But in my eyes, I look exactly the same but since then, I feel differently about myself. This made me start thinking about my relationship with the ex and how when we fooled around, my shirt was always left on. I never made an effort to take it off, he certainly made no effort to take it off for me. He never put his hands anywhere near my stomach. Always skipping from my breasts to my crotch; always avoiding the dreaded tum-tum. I thought I deserved this; I didn't like looking at me completely naked, why would he? After we broke up, I did feel a little better about myself but I still saw fat when I looked in the mirror. I guess it just didn't really matter at that point though.

The night with DB was a lot of firsts for me. He crashed at my house, sharing my bed with me because it was no big deal. I really did not think anything would happen, I was decked out in valor pj pants and an old ratty shirt. I also clutched my teddy bear, Pola, as I normally would. Clearly, if I thought there would be some sexy time, I would have made an effort to wear cute pj's and leave Pola on the floor for the night. So, you can imagine that I was more than a little shocked when a half an hour later, I woke up to the front of his body pressed against my back, hands making there way to my ta-tas. I quickly rolled over to face him. "Are you sure?" I asked. "Ya, are you?" Before I could answer he leaned forward pressing his lips to mine with a strong kiss, filled with the urgency and pressure that I was feeling as well. Quickly stripped of his clothes, he went for mine. Pants, off. He started to pull my shirt over my head and I grabbed hold of the bottom, tugging it back down. He gave me this look, sighed and said "Fuck off...seriously, c'mon now." Shirt, off. It was amazing to me how comfortable I felt with his hands exploring the top part of my body. He didn't skip from the girls right to my unders, his hands moved across my tummy without a grimace or a flinch. Maybe it was all in my mind but my fat (and his major lack of fat that would usually be extremely unattractive to me) didn't bother either of us. But it's not so difficult to feel comfortable when you're already so comfortable with a person and there's no feelings involved. I really did not care what he thought of me.

The same sort of feelings were involved with the others. It just didn't matter to me if they thought I could stand to lose a few pounds...it didn't ever seem to matter to them either. Never was my stomach the focus of the night, but it was never shunned from like with the ex. But then there was G. I can honestly say, I don't remember much of the first night and the next day was more filled with sheer embarrassment of how I may have behaved, drunk as I was, than with concern of what he thought about my body. In the days that followed, I came to a huge realization. When we'd sit or lay together, his hands always rested or caressed my flabby little belly...almost as if he liked it. *GASP* When it was time for the sexy shenanigans to ensue, he took his sweet time caressing the little pooch. WTF?! Never in my life, had I ever thought that not only could a man not care, but actually find it sexy...but he did. I did my very best to put all insecurities aside and allow him to revel in all my belly-glory. And so I've now come to this conclusion, real men just don't give a fuck if you've got some belly fat. They just don't care...and some even like it. From now on, shirt always off!

Drained like a mother fucker!

I had my counseling today. I really think it went well. I think she's a good match for me. I'm feeling really fucking drained though. I can't remember the last time I cried so hard. My sessions have been postponed because my counselor wants me to deal with my anxiety problems (with a mental health counselor and possibly medication) first because she wants to really delve into everything and is concerned that it could make my anxiety issues worse for a short period of time.

So let's cross our fingers and hope this works out; I would give my right fucking arm to feel normal again.

I've also made a gym date with a friend for tomorrow. I know that I'll feel better once I start going back to the gym, it is just so hard for me to actually go. But now I've made it so I have to go. Wish me luck!

P.S. I need to get laid!!!!!!!! Fuck! I gotta find a FWB soon or my hand is gonna fucking fall off.

Lucky Number 7

Let's face it, the possibility of things working out with G and I, is slim to none. Coming to this realization sincerely made me sad. Not because I have fallen hopelessly in love with him or anything, but because it leaves me to face the fact that there will be a number 7. A seventh notch on my bedpost.

I feel that I need to say, I don't hold sex to be anything sacred. I'm obviously not opposed to casual sex but I didn't think it would get this far. At what point did I cross a line? A line has been crossed...I officially feel like a bit of a skank here, but where did I cross that line.

Number 1 was my first and, sadly, only boyfriend. Over 4 yrs with him and his asshole ways, left me looking for nothing but a fun and amazing sex buddy. I thought I had found that with number 2 (DB). That didn't pan out. But that's okay...2 is not a bad number for a 22 yr old girl. In fact, I thought it was a little low. 3 was Blue and although sleeping with him appeared to be a mistake because it could have been the reason why things didn't work out between us, but I still made a friend out of it and 3 really isn't a bad number at all. 4 (TS) was fun and I was definitely fine with having 4 as my number. And 5...Hands, well I never really got a chance to think about the number 5 because G came into my life so quickly after that. Finally, G makes 6. I was okay with 6 because we were "together" (ya, that deserves an eyeroll) but then it ended and I had to think about how I felt about sleeping with him.

If I had the time to think about 5 before G came along, well I think I would have been able to say "okay, lets leave it at 5 for a while...time to take a break and close those legs." So I guess I crossed the line at 5 (?) I don't know.

But now I sit here, and think...there will be a 7. I don't know if I can be okay with the number 7. So I can't help but think about the fact that I desperately need to get laid! But that would put me at this ridiculous number. I'm left trying to figure out if numbers are just numbers and that it shouldn't matter if I'm at 7 or 17 as long as I'm alright with what I'm doing, or if I should just buy a new vibrator and lock myself in my room. Oh the trials and tribulations of being possibly the most horny girl in the entire world.

Oh and, this morning I ate pie for breakfast. Weeeeeee!

Drunken Shenanigans of a Friday Night (booze ban broken)

I can't even begin to explain the sheer oddness of last night. I went to pub with BFF1...first time I've been social in a long time. The vibe seemed so odd there that night, and I later figured out that all the oddness was just for me and me alone.

Odd moment number one: After a few drinks with BFF1 and some other friends, a group of people came into the pub. Included in this group of people was my ExBFF (who I had a falling out with months ago and haven't seen or talked to her since) and her asshole husband. They aren't the most civil people ever so I figured it would be best to talk to her first instead of waiting to see if they decide to make some asshole remark or something. So we briefly chatted, hugged and that was fine. But it felt weird sitting in my group of friends and having her and her group of friends and both of us so obviously not wanting the other person to be there. But nothing crazy went down or anything it was just weird.

Odd moment number two: My asshole Ex's brother showed up to the pub and followed me around almost the entire night telling me how much his family misses me and how they hate Ex's new GF. It was sweet but also annoying. He's an annoying guy as it is so to have him drunkenly proclaiming his brotherly love for me all night was just a little too much to bare.

Odd moment number three: Blue shows up, without new girlfriend and we chat awkwardly. At this point I manage to down not one but four rye cokes in about 10 minutes, making my nightly total 8 rye and cokes (I ran out of money after this point so no more rye and cokes but did manage to scam a beer off of Ex's brother later on.) The night continued and I catch Blue looking at me a few time, he catches me looking at him a few times...it was just weird.

Odd moments numbers four to infinity: A new potential fuck buddy? We shall name him Hands (I'll explain in a moment and just know, I'm not very creative when hung over). Hands has sorta been hitting on me for a while now but I never intended on taking him up on the offer for two reasons, he's 20 yrs old so that's a little young for me and he and BFF1 have hooked up before and there's got to be some unwritten rule about hooking up with the same guy your friend has hooked up with even if there isn't any feelings between them. Now she is constantly telling me to go for it with him because apparently he's amazing in bed despite his lack of size, but I always stood my ground and tonight I wasn't intending on making any exceptions. BFF1 and I were going to cab it back to my house and have a slumber party anyways so there wasn't even an opportunity.

At some point in my drunken haze, I managed to steel Hands' hat and decided to wear that the rest of the night and we flirted and just hung out. BFF1 comes up to me at one point and says "I'm not sure if I'm going to go home with you tonight." I knew what this meant; her ex FWB was at the pub and she had been debating whether or not to start that up again (as he had been persisting for the last few weeks). She mentioned that I was wearing Hands' hat and implied that this meant that I was going home with him. I said "No! don't be silly, I'm just wearing his hat because I'm drunk!" Drunken shenanigans continue on and at one point Hands and I are out back having a smoke. Blue is out back as well. Hands and I are flirting and cuddling a bit because it was cold and the idea of hooking up with someone was really starting to be a temptation so I casually suggested the idea (quietly) to Hands who responded with one of those incredibly sexy, grab me by the front of my belt and pull me towards him and plant a mother of a kiss on me, moves. All this went down, right in front of Blue (weird!) So we go back inside and the pub is closing. I run up to BFF1 and said, "I don't think I'm going home alone, as long as it's okay with you because just say the word and it'll end." She laughed and explained it was fine, reminded me to be safe and to have fun.

Now to the juicy stuff. Hands and I make it back to my apartment and we start making out on my bed. He is, without a doubt, the best kisser ever. It felt like we made out for forever, it was awesome. Things progressed from there. His mad kissing skills was just the beginning for his mad skills in general. Soon enough we're both naked (he took the time to take my socks off...is this weird? It seemed weird at the time) and fooling around. Holy Hannah the boy has magic fingers (hence the Hands codename) and one helluva magic tongue. Excuse me, while I masturbate at the thought of this. The sex was great but not nearly as amazing (and I mean amazing) as the foreplay. He was really rough and gentle all at the same time. I mean he'd kiss me really really hard but at the same time as caressing my face or hair or hands or something...me likey. But holy shit, what an awful fucking sleeper. He felt the need to practically smother me the entire night, but whatever it was worth it. We woke up in the morning and watched Transformers and then he left.

Shortly after he left, I went to the bathroom and realized just how rough he actually was. My lips are swollen and bruised. I have bruises all over my body. Again, me likey.

I talked to BFF1 a little while ago, to see how her night went. She didn't end up with her ex FWB...she ended up in Blue's bed. WHAT?! Ya, in his bed. She said, once she realized that it wasn't a good idea to go back to her FWB she asked Blue to call her a cab. He told her, if she wanted, she could crash at his house. Since they are such good friends, I guess this didn't seem like a big deal to her so she agreed. Long story short, he tried to hook up with her but she convinced him that that is a bad idea and slept in her jeans and a tank top. I'm sorry but doesn't he have a girlfriend?! What about his girlfriend?! And what prompted him to try really hard to get one of his closest friends in bed with him? Asshole? Ya, I think he just got bumped up to the number one spot on the Douchebag scale.

Well that was my drunken Friday night. It was really sad that I couldn't do the booze ban to the end. I don't even know what prompted me to drink in the first place but it was worth it in the end, despite all the oddness that went on.

Waiting

So I took my new pants (size 9 WOOT) to get hemmed today. Just a simple pair of gray straight leg jeans that will go lovely with my chucks. I'm just kinda waiting around for the tailor to call.

Tonight is the Christmas tree lighting in the middle of down town. Okay, here's something that I'm sure people will bitch about but I HATE Christmas before Christmas. "Christmas" time means Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing day. The only Christmas thing I don't mind talking about before then is Christmas presents (what to buy for people etc). But in the middle of November, I don't give a flying fuck about Christmas. I hate Christmas music, I don't decorate a tree, I don't want to put a fucking wreath on my front door.

But I digress, I am going to this stupid tree lighting with some friends because it's TS's birthday and the Tree is right by the pub. I'm hoping that's where everyone'll end up and later I hope to have TS in my bed for some birthday fun. We'll see how it goes. I'm crossing my fingers!

According to one of the blogs I happened to come across, I've broken almost every rule to the Fuck Buddy Rules. Well I don't even know if I can count TS as a fuck buddy. 2 random hook ups does not a fuck buddy make. If this becomes regular (and if I hook up with him tonight, I fully intend on asking him if it's going to be regular) I guess I have to start following the rules. But but but I like cuddling. *sigh*

What a random post.

What the fuck is wrong with me?!

So I'm sitting in class tonight trying to pay attention and all I can think about is sex. Not just "make love" kinda sex, like crazy dirty sex. And the girl that sits beside me said to me with this creepy confused look, "hehe what are you grinning about?" *blush* "nothing, just thinking about something funny that happened today" *blush*

What is wrong with me?! I mean obviously nothing, I know everyone thinks about sex but I was thinking about it in a way that almost made me have to go to the bathroom on our break to take care of myself.

This is a sure sign of the need to get laid. I mean I'm alright without sex for a long period of time, but since I've had sex recently, that's all I can fucking think about. WHY IS THIS SO FUCKING HARD?

I'm crossing my fingers that I run into TS this weekend. Hell, I'd settle for DB or even Blue and his atrocious sex right at the moment. As long as I get laid, I'll be happy.

The Background Story

I guess I just want to share the awesomeness and hellishness (ya I make up my own words) of being in my early 20's and single. Oh did I mention I'm overweight? Throw that into the mix and you've got some seriously interesting stories.


So here's my background. My name is Amanda and I was in a relationship for over four years (17yrs old to 21) with a guy I met in high school. He was two years older than me and we had some fun times together but some seriously bad times together. At the end of our relationship I realized that he was actually emotionally abusive. I've been single now for just over a year. Do I love it? No. I love not being with him, but I don't love being single.


After the break up though it was like...SURPRISE! YOU ARE FAT! Where did this weight come from? How did I not notice it? After a sob-worthy step on the scale, I realized I had about 40lbs to lose. So I joined a forum that was specifically about living a healthy lifestyle. I'm not on some crazy fad diet. I just try to eat healthy, well balanced meals. I also exercise. Okay, I don't exercise anymore because I'm feeling really lazy right now, but I have every intention of starting up again. I promise. I've lost 20lbs so far and have 20 to go. Some of you might think, 20 is nothing but when you hold 20lbs of fat in your gut, it's something, trust me. I don't want to be too skinny, I'm happy being a curvaceous babe; I have tits and an ass, and I'd like to keep them for fuck's sake (I swear a lot too!).


And now to go in a completely different direction - my year of promiscuity. In the past year, I've been with 3 guys. One was a lovely friend of mine, it was discussed beforehand (sober) and there were no feelings involved. Seems like the perfect friends with benefit right? (oh did I mention, he was HUNG like nobodies business!?) NOPE, even though we've been friends for years and there's always been a sexual energy between us (read inappropriate jokes about fucking each other), he decided to be a complete ass and not call me after that. I recently ran into him and it was AWWWWKWARD!


Months and months after my night of unbelievable sex with my "friend," I started to have feelings for a guy, let's call him Blue (cuz he has purdy blue eyes *swoon*). Blue and I have a number of mutual friends but one in particular who we are both very close with. I happened to comment on my feelings towards him to our friend. She thought she'd do something about this and asked him how he felt about me. His respone (according to her) was that I was a "babe" and I had kick ass taste in music and seemed really cool and wanted to get to know me better. This sounds promising...until our first night of attempting to get to know each other better. I am socially inept. Unless I've been drinking. So I start slamming the drinks. Next thing I know, we are making out on his balcony and he's asking if I want to crash at his place that night. I think I slurred something back in attempts to sound sexy but it probably was seriously unattractive. After everyone left that night, we proceeded to his bedroom where we had some of the worst sex known to man. Seriously, TERRIBLE! He had some potential in the bedroom as he was gentle and sweet but I was DRUNK and HORNY and wanted to get laid. Don't caress my face when you should be slapping my ass buddy! Anyways...next morning was awkward. I had to do the walk of shame, as I was too drunk the night before to realize his brother decided to crash in his living room and quite possibly heard me faking it all night long. *Shudder* And the end to this story is that after sleeping with me, he broke my heart by telling me he isn't ready for a relationship. ASS! Blue and I have actually become pretty good friends, I don't hate him anymore that's for sure but definitely still sits on the Top Five List of Douchebags.


And on to number 3. Number 3 is recent. I decided perhaps I didn't want a relationship and should just concentrate on getting some lovin'. So I go to this party (Blue's party actually) and I meet this guy, TS is what we will call him, and even though I just met him I decided he was going to be my lover for the night. And love me he did. Oh boy did he ever. Nice work TS, seriously I applaud you. The following weekend, I run into TS again. We hook up again. YES! And we've exchanged numbers with a few text msgs in between. My goal for TS is for him to become more than a drunken hook up buddy and be a regular hook up buddy (drunk and sober). So right now I'm crossing my fingers that TS will pan out to be what I need him to be. I still have some interest for Blue though. But those feelings are fading.


So that is the background of the 20 something single girl with a bit of weight to lose. My blog is going to be about my weight loss and the trials and tribulations that is my sex/single life.