Well that was interesting...

Plans for the weekend: Friday - Pub for a birthday party. Saturday - Work function at a pub. Sunday - Afternoon hockey game. Sounded to me like my weekend was going to be filled with drinking (You can't go to a hockey game and not have a beer!) I was really looking forward to this weekend.

Friday was good. I had a few drinks at my friend's before we went out to the pub. When we did get to the pub it was pretty dead but it was still early so I had high hopes it would pick up. After a few drinks I went outside to have a smoke and out walks J. J is a guy that I met about a year and a half ago. He's a giant. Well, 6'6 I would say. He's a total dork also. The first time I met him I fell in love. We made out that night but it never went any further. We ran into each other all the time at the pub. Always had a great time too. So as we were walking to the dance floor, I drunkenly said, "I have a crush you." He said, "Are you kidding? I've had a crush on you since the first time I saw you doing the running man on the dance floor! I wanna take you on a date." *SWOON* Seriously! We ended up parting ways shortly after we exchanged numbers as I was with a big group and his group was leaving to another place but we text the rest of the night. I got basically no sleep but felt surprisingly ok in the morning.

Saturday I went out with everyone from work. This isn't just my friends from work, this is a work function so there are a lot of people there. I started drinking at Poo's house before the party so I was a bit tipsy by the time I got there. I should have stopped drinking when I got there but I didn't. Big mistake. I got hammered at a work function and made sure everyone knew it. So when I go into work on Tuesday, that should be interesting. Oh well though. People have done worse. I didn't flash anyone, dance on anything, fight with anyone or throw up. So it could have been a lot worse.

When I woke up this morning after a whopping 3 hours of sleep (making my grand total over 2 nights, about 5 hours) I almost immediately threw up due to the hangover. I haven't felt this bad in a long time. I gotta say, hockey games really suck balls when you're that hungover.


I'm exhausted, a little embarrassed, confused, twitter-pattered and nauseous.

You know it's a good night when you wake up covered in mustard...

Drunken adventure was the plan for the night. I would say it was a success. An expensive success but a success nonetheless. I gauge this by the fact that I woke up with mustard all over me and a sprained ankle. If that doesn't say good night, I don't know what does.

Night starts at my friend's house. I call her Poo so that is how I will refer to her here. Poo and I had a few martinis and a few shots. Played some Yahtzee, had some laughs. We got a ride down to club 1.

Club 1 was good. Had some drinks and a few shots. But because we were desperate for adventure, we moved on to Club 2. Club 2 had little promise of drunken adventure. There were literally 3 other people there. It did not stop us from having a drink and some shots though. And dancing. Pretty sure there was dancing there. This may or may not been where I sprained my ankle. There are steps leading up to the DJ booth and I'm pretty sure I fell down them. But I must not have been hurting too bad because the night had pretty much just started...although my memory is a little foggy with everything that followed after Club 2.

So next came Club 3...which I assume was followed by more drinks and more shots. Then Club 4 which had a long line up so we decided to get a hot dog. This is where the mustard comes in. Somehow I managed to get mustard all over Poo, and myself. But, we didn't let this ruin our already awesome night. Covered in mustard, we went back to Club 4 and waited in line. I don't think we were there long, and I'm pretty sure this is the point that I got loser drunk as Poo apparently ordered me a "double water."

Next stop home. I woke up insanely hungover and wondering what the fuck happened and how we got home. But we laughed at the mustard stains and my sore ankle. We joked about how we're gonna end up on The Dirty.com and be called Mustard Sluts or something ridiculous like that. And later on as I was riding along in the backseat of my parent's truck, on the way to a major hangover breakfast, I looked down and saw a little bit of mustard on my leg. I couldn't help but laugh. I laughed so hard I was crying.

A sprained ankle and mustard stains...it was a great drunken adventure with my best bud, Poo.

My Crazy Crazy Aunt

My Aunt (Mom's Sister) was just in town. She is fucking coocoobanana's. I can't stress enough how much I love her and how much she makes me laugh but seriously crazy. A few quotes from her stay:

"I got lost in the shower! Just about had a damn heartattack." WHAT? You got lost in the shower? I have been trying to type out her explanation of getting lost in the shower but it makes no sense, so lets just leave it at her getting "lost" in the shower and how incredibly odd that is.

Walking into my bedroom, she sees my bed and says "YOU COULD HAVE A THREESOME IN THAT BED!" My bed is nothing special or gigantic by any means so I have no idea what possessed her to comment on the potential for a threesome.

Sitting in my parent's living room with Mom, Stepdad, and Auntie, my aunt asks me "will you go to the toy store with me?" "Sure, Auntie. Are you picking up something for C? (her grandson)" Her response made my stepdad throw down his news paper and walk out. It made my mom choke on her coffee and blush 5 shades of red. It made me laugh until I couldn't breathe. What did she say? "No, not a real toy store. An adult toy store. I feel like my vagina is closing up its been so long since something has been in there. Its just been way too long since I've had an orgasm." I also feel the need to mention that I didn't take my aunt shopping for a new vibe.

I wish I had spent more time with her to catch the other random remarks she said during her visit.

...Mentor my ass

So a little while ago I thought it would be a good idea to volunteer at our youth resource center as a youth mentor. I was excited about it. A lot of the time these youth are emancipated from their parents and lack a lot of basic skills like cooking. I would get to teach them things like cooking and budgeting as well as being a friend to them. The thing is, now that the youth worker has interviewed me and done a background check I'm starting to get nervous. Ha! What kind of mentor would I be...one of those "do as I say not as I do" mentors?

Amanda's possible mentoring quotes:

"Listen, I know you'll want to get drunk and sleep with him but don't do it...and you will do it even though I told you not to so make sure you use a condom. And if you don't use a condom make sure you go to planned parenthood and get the morning after pill. And when you're lying there sick as a dog from the morning after pill don't call me because I can't handle sick people and I especially can't handle vomit"

"Sure I'll buy you smokes"

"Once you start drinking, hand a good friend your cell phone to keep safe. Nothing worse than waking up and having a text msg from a boy you like that says "did you mean dink or drunk?" And then going through sent text msgs and realizing you texted him "why were you being such a dunk tonight?" Stupid T9

"Just because the Katy Perry song is playing doesn't mean you have to kiss girls"

"Rye stays down better than vodka. If it doesn't stay down, rye doesn't hurt as much coming up either. Win-win."

"It doesn't matter how hot the guy is, don't try to impress him by attempting to out drink him. It'll be messy"

"Wash your sheets before you go out for a night of drinking, you never know who'll be sleeping on them later."

This is gonna be interesting. I'm potentially the worst role model ever.

70's Porn Bush!

A few days ago I got out of the shower all nice and squeaky clean. Did a quick dry off (I'm lazy when it comes to drying off. Normally I'm putting on my pants still soaking wet and all the fabric clings and it's weird) and proceeded to put on some fresh pajama pants. Later on as I was sitting on the couch, I noticed that my entire crotch area was basically soaking wet. My first thought, oddly enough, was "did I piss myself?" I mean how else could the crotch of my pants have gotten soaked? This thought was short lived as I quickly realize that one doesn't usually urinate in their pants without noticing. So then the more logical reason came to mind...it's probably due to the fact that I didn't dry off well and I haven't shaved my bush since...the last time I was with G. I'm goin' au naturel right at the moment. So the mass of pubic hair that had absorbed all of my shower water was the cause of my wet crotch. After solving that mystery, I started thinking...

Why the fuck do girls shave their pubic hair into patterns?! Seriously, why? Do they think it's cute? It's not cute, it's creepy. Am I opposed to shaving my cooch? Not if I'm getting action. If I'm getting action, a shaved bush or mostly shaved bush (I don't think the classic landing strip counts as a shape) is polite. Do girls actually shave their pubes into shapes, like lightning bolts? Or is this just something that people talk about but no one actually does (because it's stupid?)

So right now I'm sporting the 70's porn bush. It's fucking empowering (and a little itchy)! I revel at the jungle of pubes peaking out from the sides of my underwear. It's a nice relief from the razor burn and ingrown hairs. I like my bush! Yes, even the hair that grows in my ass crack. You all just got wide eyed and disturbed, didn't you?! Did she actually just say "hair that grows in my ass crack?!"...Yes, yes I did. And ya know what?! Don't even try to deny it; I have proof. A friend of mine once talked to her friend who is a waxer and according to her waxer every girl has hair in their ass crack. Right up to the butthole and sometimes a little further. So there! Add that to the list of things I need to teach my future daughter. 1. Girls poop and fart and shouldn't be embarrassed by it (at least not around their friends.) 2. Masturbation is normal. When girls say that they don't masturbate, they're lying (unless you're Sis who didn't even try to masturbate until she was in her 20's...poor girl.) 3. You will eventually get hair in your butt crack, just know that all girls have this.

You guys deserve an embarassing Amanda moment

So today, I get home and my schedule has been a little off lately so I was surprised that when I got home today I really had to poop (it's usually in the morning.) No biggy, I enjoy a good poop occasionally, nothing to be embarrassed about there. So I sit on the john, do my business and it's time to clean up. And as I'm wiping my behind, my sweater sleeve slides down and becomes my toilet paper!!! Ohhhhh hell no. Stupid sweater. Obviously that went right in the wash. And then in the trash once it was cleaned. There's no way I can keep "poop-sweater" around, clean or not. Every time I'd put it on, I'd be reminded of the day where I wiped my ass with my sweater sleeve.

I suppose it could have been worse. I could have had a boyfriend that would have asked me why I was I came out of the bathroom hanging on to my sweater as though it was some sort of biohazard (it kinda was.)