Random Things That Happened Over The Last 3 Weeks

A list for you all...

- I bought a new car. Well I ordered a new car. I’m currently waiting for it to come in from the factory.

- My current car randomly started to die. Replaced a Fuel Sensor.

- Car wouldn’t start. Cranks but no start. Replaced battery.

- Got 3 blocks from work and heard a weird car noise. Flat tire.

- Flat tire can’t be repaired. Don’t wanna buy a new tire. I have snow tires at home though.

- Drove home on my teeny tiny spare going 50km/hr. Took me an hour and a half.

- Replaced tires with snow tires.

- Thought about how I could get away with stealing my neighbors new puppy.

- Considered stabbing my neighbor to inherit said puppy.

- Saw a car commercial. Disappointed I didn’t get the car from that commercial. Realized that commercial was for the car I ordered. Felt stupid.

- Lost my neighbors keys.

- Had to get a locksmith to open her door.

- Got a random crush on a guy at work that I never found attractive before.

- Started texting with guy at work.

- Constantly question if I actually like him or if I just want a relationship.

My Crazy Crazy Aunt

My Aunt (Mom's Sister) was just in town. She is fucking coocoobanana's. I can't stress enough how much I love her and how much she makes me laugh but seriously crazy. A few quotes from her stay:

"I got lost in the shower! Just about had a damn heartattack." WHAT? You got lost in the shower? I have been trying to type out her explanation of getting lost in the shower but it makes no sense, so lets just leave it at her getting "lost" in the shower and how incredibly odd that is.

Walking into my bedroom, she sees my bed and says "YOU COULD HAVE A THREESOME IN THAT BED!" My bed is nothing special or gigantic by any means so I have no idea what possessed her to comment on the potential for a threesome.

Sitting in my parent's living room with Mom, Stepdad, and Auntie, my aunt asks me "will you go to the toy store with me?" "Sure, Auntie. Are you picking up something for C? (her grandson)" Her response made my stepdad throw down his news paper and walk out. It made my mom choke on her coffee and blush 5 shades of red. It made me laugh until I couldn't breathe. What did she say? "No, not a real toy store. An adult toy store. I feel like my vagina is closing up its been so long since something has been in there. Its just been way too long since I've had an orgasm." I also feel the need to mention that I didn't take my aunt shopping for a new vibe.

I wish I had spent more time with her to catch the other random remarks she said during her visit.

I'm back, bitches!

Ok so I attempted at writing a tamer blog so that it could be less anonymous and that was, well boring. So I'm back to this blog despite my 2 year hiatus.

So to start this triumphant return to blogging, I will begin to do a very very short update on the last 2 years. Somehow I managed to make it through the many rounds of mass layoffs at work and now that things have started to turn around for the company, I managed to score a kick ass promotion and all of a sudden love my job. Who the fuck loves to get up at 5am to go to work? I do, apparently. You should probably just kill me now because I'm turning into one of those people that I hate. One of those people that only has their job to talk about. One of those "live to work" not "work to live" people. But it is, what it is and I love it.

I bought my first place! I've been in now for a year and a half and I fucking love it. The first thing I did? Paint my bathroom hot pink. Why? BECAUSE IT'S MINE AND I CAN DO WHAT I WANT!

I haven't had a mental breakdown in 2 years. No more crazy emotional Amanda anymore. That's right, this tiny little pill I take every day makes me "normal." Ok, I'll never be normal (I'm weird as fuck, man!) but it makes able to live day to day without anxiety attacks and I sleep properly. The only thing is those pills totally made me fat. I had worked so hard to lose weight and be healthy and then all of a sudden I start taking this pill and I'm shoving whatever is edible and within arms reach in my mouth. My stomach screams for food all day long. And I obey it a lot of the time. So I'm back at 158lbs. I'd like to sit here and tell you that I'm doing my best to control this situation, but I'm really not (in fact I'm typing this as I eat greasy fast food breakfast sandwich). I do work out but eating has just been fucked. Oh well.

Sex has been non-existent for the last 7 months. OH MY GOD 7 MONTHS?! Wow. I really need to get plowed something terrible. And hopefully it will be soon, and of course I will relay all the dirty details.

Ok, so that's it. I'm back. I hope you all are still down to read my random day-to-day ramblings.

Here I am!

I'm back new and improved! Sort of. I have a pretty severely sprained ankle due to some awesome drunken shenanigans. God I love drunken shenanigans and the injuries that result from them.

So far the anti-anxiety/anti-depressants have been really helpful. I feel like I've gotten a bit better. I think the mood stabilizers have actually stabilized me a tad. Of course it's an accumulative drug so in another few weeks I'll be feeling the full effects.

I've been much more social than usual and much more spontaneous which is surprisingly awesome. I've always been the girl that writes lists and organizes all my time in a schedule so spontaneously getting my nose pierced was way out of the norm for me.

I'm also planning a trip to Europe next summer and even though it's a long ways a way, I'm beyond stoked about it!!

I have to pee...

that is all.

Weird!

I just had to paint a fake toenail on my baby toe. My baby toenail just fucking fell off this morning. How weird is that? It didn't hurt or anything, like it didn't pull off; it literally just fell off. I felt weird walking around in my flip flops with purple painted toenails and one unpainted nailless toe so I just painted where my toenail used to be.

Odd thing is, this isn't even close to the first time it's happened...happens all the time. Weirder is that I was talking to a friend last night about how it happens all the time and then this morning it just fell off.

70's Porn Bush!

A few days ago I got out of the shower all nice and squeaky clean. Did a quick dry off (I'm lazy when it comes to drying off. Normally I'm putting on my pants still soaking wet and all the fabric clings and it's weird) and proceeded to put on some fresh pajama pants. Later on as I was sitting on the couch, I noticed that my entire crotch area was basically soaking wet. My first thought, oddly enough, was "did I piss myself?" I mean how else could the crotch of my pants have gotten soaked? This thought was short lived as I quickly realize that one doesn't usually urinate in their pants without noticing. So then the more logical reason came to mind...it's probably due to the fact that I didn't dry off well and I haven't shaved my bush since...the last time I was with G. I'm goin' au naturel right at the moment. So the mass of pubic hair that had absorbed all of my shower water was the cause of my wet crotch. After solving that mystery, I started thinking...

Why the fuck do girls shave their pubic hair into patterns?! Seriously, why? Do they think it's cute? It's not cute, it's creepy. Am I opposed to shaving my cooch? Not if I'm getting action. If I'm getting action, a shaved bush or mostly shaved bush (I don't think the classic landing strip counts as a shape) is polite. Do girls actually shave their pubes into shapes, like lightning bolts? Or is this just something that people talk about but no one actually does (because it's stupid?)

So right now I'm sporting the 70's porn bush. It's fucking empowering (and a little itchy)! I revel at the jungle of pubes peaking out from the sides of my underwear. It's a nice relief from the razor burn and ingrown hairs. I like my bush! Yes, even the hair that grows in my ass crack. You all just got wide eyed and disturbed, didn't you?! Did she actually just say "hair that grows in my ass crack?!"...Yes, yes I did. And ya know what?! Don't even try to deny it; I have proof. A friend of mine once talked to her friend who is a waxer and according to her waxer every girl has hair in their ass crack. Right up to the butthole and sometimes a little further. So there! Add that to the list of things I need to teach my future daughter. 1. Girls poop and fart and shouldn't be embarrassed by it (at least not around their friends.) 2. Masturbation is normal. When girls say that they don't masturbate, they're lying (unless you're Sis who didn't even try to masturbate until she was in her 20's...poor girl.) 3. You will eventually get hair in your butt crack, just know that all girls have this.

So what do I really want?

I've been thinking about this a while now...do I really want a relationship? Or do I just want to find a good, reliable fuck buddy? I think it's one of those "the grass is always greener" situations.

The idea of a relationship kind of terrifies me. Let's put it this way, I'm an incredibly disciplined person. My life revolves around work and school. I make time for friends and the occasional party. I think about the guys that I associate with and I think of how different they are. They are all way too hardcore for me. TS, Blue and all of their friends are constant drinkers. Drinking every night of the week until two or three in the morning. On weekends drinking and partying until six or seven in the morning. It's ridiculous (and don't get me started on the fact that the majority of them are almost 27 fucking years old...seriously grow the fuck up!!!!) Since these are the guys I associate with on occasion, I can't imagine being in a relationship with anyone like them; it would drive me crazy! But where else do I meet someone? I need someone that is mature enough to not live their life for drunken shenanigans (although I love the drunken shenanigans, just not on a daily basis).

So since there is a major lack of mature boyfriend potential this leaves me with finding a good, reliable fuck buddy. But so far I've struck out with this. DB...fuck me and then don't talk to me until we run into each other 7 months later and act like nothing happened. TS was not originally supposed to be a fuck buddy; he was supposed to be a random one nighter. Fuck, I couldn't even remember his last name in the morning. But he gave me 4 orgasms in one night so I wasn't opposed to a second round. Second round came about and was equally as good. The idea of making him my fuck buddy came about after that. But then I continuously ran into him sober, and I liked sober TS. He seemed like a genuinely nice guy. He still does seem like a genuinely nice guy. So now the idea of him becoming a fuck buddy (not that we got very far after our second round anyways) is a bad bad idea because I could potentially fall for him, even though I know it's against my best interest. So where does this leave me?

This leaves me totally and completely fucked...or un-fucked actually. And to be perfectly honest with you all, I'm getting sick and fucking tired of masturbation.

This post is actually quite moot as I have no potential relationship man, nor do I have a potential fuck buddy. Perhaps, I should just look for a new vibrator?

And here we go again

This will be my 3rd weekend of staying at home like a hermit. I need to lighten my spirits before I attempt to go out. I really don't want to be that girl that everyone hates because she's always so bummed out.

Truth of the matter is, I'm kind of cheerful today (read crazy due to lack of sleep) and wouldn't be opposed to going out, but I've already made plans to clean, do laundry, eat some Mr. Noodle soup and do some homework. Probably followed by some Gilmore Girls or One Tree Hill.

I haven't attempted to go to bed in 5 days. Can you believe that? 5 FUCKING DAYS! I have slept in this time, but because of my loneliness, I find going to a huge empty bed totally depressing. So at my 10:30 bedtime, I get into some nice pj's and curl up on the couch with the remote control. I drift in and out of sleep while watching tv and eventually get up around 5. Obviously I haven't gotten enough sleep in that time, hence the crazy cheerfulness today. Perhaps, tonight will be the night where I sleep in my bed. I think I'll give it a shot.

Being bored at work today left me going through some old emails. I ended up doing a "Best Of" email between me and SIS...here's some of it for your reading pleasure"

"My neck is way better today, and I'm pretty stoked about my massage. Say that with a British accent, "mass-age." Say it a few times with me...it's a Massage Party! Mass-age. Mass-age. Did you ever watch those British videos in science in high school that talked about aluminum, but they said it, "Aloominyum"? Aloominyum." Says SIS in a fit of sillyness.

And this whole email conversation:

Amanda: I'm drinking a huge cup of gag-worthy coffee right now in hopes of having the wanted effect of, well pooping. Still no go for me.
Ha, just thought you may want to know

SIS: you STILL haven't pooped? Amanda, that's almost a week! Aiee!

Amanda: HaHA! I just went. It was unsatisfying but still a poop!

SIS:yay! speaking of...

i'd hate to go a week. right now i can't go five minutes.

Amanda: uh oh!

"I wish you could hug me too, but I wish your hug was venomous and would kill me, because yes, death is still seeming like a viable option." Says Amanda, I think I was sick with the flu/cold or something

"Any tuna lunch today? "hey, Dan, I brought you a can of tuna. Let's do lunch...tunarifically." No makeouts after that lunch, tho...ugh." Says SIS, I don't really remember what this is about though!

" So I've made my case...rejected by someone who has a habit of "fucking ugly chicks"...truly shameful." Says Amanda in regards to DB before there actually was sex


And there it is...it probably isn't nearly as interesting to you all but I felt like I needed a post with a little substance and not so "I'm so saaaaad" sorta thing.

Enjoy!

Happy New Years Eve!!!

I feel like I should have something excellent to say to end off the year. But I don't. I've been considering the potential for the awkward New Years kiss moment. There's a good chance that I'll be kissless and DB will, of course, kiss Girl Version and BFF1 could possibly be kissing her man-crush. But who will Amanda kiss...a random? I'm not sure I want to kiss some random guy standing next to me, I think that's weird. I've decided that I'll probably make sure to go outside and smoke a few minutes before the count down. This could save me from potential awkwardness and embarrassment.

I am also really tired tonight and the idea of ditching everyone and going to bed super early. How fucked up is that? This is my first chance to actually party hard on New Years and it's also my last chance to party for a while so I should probably chug a red bull and get my ass in gear.