Is there a sign that says "if you're emotionally unavailable, I want you?" hanging off my neck?

What is with my falling for emotionally unavailable guys?

So I start hanging out with that guy and we have that fabulous date night and I haven't heard from him since really. WTF?

I can't fucking deal with assholes like this anymore. I just want someone to tell me if they're not interested instead of just disappearing, cuz I can't handle the fucking disappearing act. Jesus fucking christ.

Day 2

So today is day 2 on my anti-depressants/anti-anxiety. Day 1 was fucking rough. At about 7:30 am I took the first pill...20 minutes later I was fighting the urge to vomit. After I ate some crackers, I felt a lot better. And then about 5 minutes after that I started to feel really fidgety. The fidgety turned into jittery pretty quickly. Through out the day it got progressively worse. I couldn't stop shaking. I couldn't concentrate on my computer for very long and I was so so antsy. About 3 anxiety attacks later, I called the pharmacist. "Oh the jittery feeling is a pretty common side effect. It should go away within a few days; if it doesn't go away, make an appointment with your doctor." I asked what else I can do because I can't handle a few days of this. She told me I can take half a pill for a few days so the uppers aren't such a huge shock on my body. So that was my plan for today...

But I wasn't sure if I could do it. I expected the jittery thing to be gone by bed time but it wasn't. I tossed and turned (and cried from frustration!) all night long. I decided I couldn't take my next pill because I couldn't handle this particular side effect. But I decided to give the half pill a shot because it couldn't have been worse than day 1.

It wasn't. The jittering was still there but not in a way I couldn't handle it. I also noticed some other side effects...yawning. I've been yawning all day and apparently that is a side effect. It's kind of weird. It's totally bearable but also a lot more uncomfortable than you'd imagine. I also keep clenching my teeth. So many fucking side effects.

So I don't know how I'll deal with it once I start taking whole pills again...we'll see

Fucking Finally!

After a very long waitlist, I've finally got an appointment with Mental Health (Thursday.) I'm sort of conflicted about how I feel about it. Part of me thinks that I just need to suck it up and deal with it. That it's not as bad as I make it out to be and that its my own fault because I've been digging myself in a hole of loneliness because I'm isolating myself. The other part of me thinks that my isolating myself is just a symptom of my depression/anxiety. That I need to consider the fact that perhaps my anxiety and depression is something beyond "normal" and that just because I have the occasional good day it doesn't mean that I'm not deserving or justified in seeking help.

I'll keep you all updated.

Cross your fingers that my counselor isn't sexy, I don't want him to see me cry if he is!

P.S. Currently looking for a new job because I hate my job with such a passion and I don't think that it's aiding in the depression/anxiety.

...

I wonder if you know how much my heart hurts. All because you made me be vulnerable when I promised myself I never would be again and I regret that.

Wasn't expecting this...

I was feeling really kinda lonely the other night and although I'm a little against the whole internet dating thing, I hopped on the Plentyoffish bandwagon for a few moments just to check it out.

So I checked out a few profiles. Number 1, totally my style. Tall (so he claims), dark, scruffy, handsome, tattoos. Good music taste, into outdoorsy things. And yet, somehow not enough. Number 2, a little shorter than I normally like but still acceptable. Music was a little off my taste but nothing I can't handle. Really into tattoos and really into that sexy manly stuff like cars and camping. But apparently not worth my time. This goes on for a few more profiles. Perfectly acceptable, date-worthy boys that I didn't seem interested in.

I started to question whether or not I had the guts to put myself out there on something like this. But then I went back and looked at a few profiles over again and I started picking out things that weren't good enough. I started comparing every profile. I came to the realization, shortly after this that none of these guys were good enough because they weren't G. *sigh* I thought I was over him. Of course I completely pushed him out of my life and I stopped letting myself think about him so how was I supposed to know that I was still in major like with him. FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!

"You're still young"

What the fuck does that mean? I'm still young so it doesn't matter that I work at a job I hate? I'm still young so I'm allowed to be single (and consequently miserable)? I mean, it just seems like this is everyone's answer to things that seem to be problems in my life. "Oh, well you're still young. You have your whole life to figure it out." Okay, I'm not denying that I have my whole life to figure my shit out but perhaps, just perhaps, I don't want to take my whole life to figure my shit out.

I just hate that the fact that I'm only 22 means I'm allowed to be miserable, confused, frustrated, and all alone. Hey, guess what? I don't want to be any of those things, and I don't think that the fact that I'm still young should be an excuse to make it okay that I feel these things. I realize that everyone goes through these times of misery and confusion but I'm not that girl. I don't want to be the girl that on the outside has everything together but on the inside is a fucking wreck. I'd rather be the girl that is quite obviously the fucking wreck than a girl that fakes it for everyone else's sake.

So I go to work every day, I go to school, study for tests, volunteer, socialize to some extent but it all feels like it's some sort of facade. Like all I want to do is scream at every one that I'm not fucking okay and I don't want to be part of this fucking bullshit anymore. I'm getting totally cynical too. It's like I automatically assume that everyone else is exactly the same way I am and they're all just faking it and it pisses me off. I'm becoming more drawn to the people that are open about the fact that they don't have their shit together because I feel more comfortable with them.

Drained like a mother fucker!

I had my counseling today. I really think it went well. I think she's a good match for me. I'm feeling really fucking drained though. I can't remember the last time I cried so hard. My sessions have been postponed because my counselor wants me to deal with my anxiety problems (with a mental health counselor and possibly medication) first because she wants to really delve into everything and is concerned that it could make my anxiety issues worse for a short period of time.

So let's cross our fingers and hope this works out; I would give my right fucking arm to feel normal again.

I've also made a gym date with a friend for tomorrow. I know that I'll feel better once I start going back to the gym, it is just so hard for me to actually go. But now I've made it so I have to go. Wish me luck!

P.S. I need to get laid!!!!!!!! Fuck! I gotta find a FWB soon or my hand is gonna fucking fall off.

Super Sigh

I wish I could say I feel better since my overly depressing post a few weeks back...but I don't. I'm getting some help though. I have set up counseling with a Women's Resource Center. I've also been referred to Mental Health to get help with my anxiety/depression. I'm mostly against taking medication but I'm trying really hard to be open to that possibility right now.

I'm trying to stay positive though. It's hard, and there's a part of me that doesn't want to even try to be positive but I think, for the sake of the people I love, I need to at least try to pretend that I'm alright.

I imagine that I won't be blogging much because I actually feel guilty that the last months of my blog have been relatively depressing (it was not the original intent of my blog to be like a journal of my own self pity) and I just can't see anyone wanting to read this anymore. I'll most definitely keep up with blogging anything that I feel is blog worthy but for the most part, I think the posts will be pretty far apart. Bare with me, guys. I promise that one day (soon hopefully) my blog will be more positive and entertaining.

I'll also post tattoo pictures soon! My first sitting is on the 14th (Weeeeee!)

Let's be totally honest

This is not a post where I want everyone to comment about how I need to give it time, or that I'll eventually find someone or something that changes everything. This isn't meant to be a feel sorry for me post, I just feel as though I need to be honest. I also feel like writing this out might help me figure out what's going on in my head.

I'm in a place where my life isn't where I want it to be. I don't know how to change it. I am not hoping to be happy, I'm just hoping to be content in my life. I don't expect my life to be hunky dory or anything, I just want to be generally content.

I felt like going back to school would at least give me something to work towards which would be satisfying in some way, but really all it has done is brought on a greater sense of depression. As I struggle through school, I consistently think about how this is only my first year and it's just going to get harder and I'm just going to get more stressed out.

I thought that by going out and socializing I would feel better, I would at least be having fun. Fun doesn't make me feel content though. I have fun for one night or whatever and then I go back to feeling shitty.

A friend said to me the other day "I felt the same way, and one day I just felt I can choose to live my life otherwise I might as well just fucking die right now" She chose to live her life, and she's happy (or content because I hate the word happy.) When she told me that, my first thought was "ya, just fucking die right now, that sounds pretty fucking good to me." I told her that if I had to choose...I'd choose the latter.

This isn't a suicide anything. I'm not suicidal, I don't want to kill myself, I just want to go to bed and not wake up. Or, at the very least, go to bed and wake up somewhere else. I just don't feel like there's anything left for me here but I can't bring myself to leave.

So where do I go from here? Do I continue with my mundane life where I get up every morning and go to a job that I don't really like (but it pays my bills, and is flexible with school), only to come home to do homework or simply just go to bed because there's nothing worth staying up for. Where I wake up, alone, and start it all over again? Or do I man up and get the fuck out of here? My concern with leaving is that I'm going to wake up somewhere else feeling exactly the same way I do now and I won't have the support network to save me.

So, I'll sign off now and go to bed, only to begin the same bullshit again tomorrow.

Engaged....pffffft to that

So I found out quite recently that horrible ex is now engaged...to the slutbag that he cheated on me with. Engaged!

I realize the "slutbag" comment sounds like I'm bitter, but in my defense, she's a self proclaimed slut. So really, all I'm doing is giving her the lack of respect she asked for when she told us one time about getting gang-banged at a party. Of course that comment was made before she was sleeping with my then-boyfriend.

I dislike my ex. I even disliked him before we broke up and before I found out that he'd been cheating on me. I'm not pining over him. That being said, I do care about the fact that he's engaged. It's affecting me for some reason.

I'm trying really hard not to be affected by this but I am...fuck, am I ever. The irrational girl side of me is screaming "I couldn't even be good enough for a douchebag like him!"

Maybe my being affected by it has to do with the fact that I've had a major lack of relationships in the past year+ (G doesn't count as a relationship). I think this whole thing has caused a major self esteem implosion. I feel totally inadequate at the moment, like I'll never be good enough for anyone and I'll turn into a crazy cat lady (or at least a crazier cat lady.)

I'm no longer sure how I feel about karma. If karma was real then wouldn't I be the one in a relationship and he'd be the one sitting at home wondering if he's good enough to be with anyone.

I once was lost, but now am found...or not

I'm feeling very unsettled as of late. Like my head is in one place but my physical self is in another I can not, for the life of me, concentrate on any of the necessary things that need to be dealt with. It took me a whopping 6 hours to clean my house yesterday. 6 fucking hours! It was a simple tidy, vacuum kinda clean, shoulda been an hour max. But I'd find myself just sitting down, staring at that piece of lint on the floor thinking "I wonder if my crappy ass vacuum will pick that up...I wonder what my mom is doing...I wonder what G is doing...Why does it smell like oranges over here" and so on. I feel like I've been overcome with a temporary case of insanity or perhaps just ADD.

My mind refuses to wrap itself around anything right now. Even if I do start thinking about important things (such as my looming midterm!) I can only concentrate on it for a few minutes before something distracts me.

I feel like the constant distractions might be my attempt at not feeling depressed. I've never really felt "lost" before but right now I do. I have to say, my friends, this is not a pleasant feeling. I feel as though I'm just wandering through my days with little, or no acknowledgment to what is going on around me. It's a truly terrible feeling.

Hrmmmmm I don't know what to do with myself.

Fuck Valentines Day

I'm so fucking cranky right now. I hate not knowing where I stand with G. I hate that I can't read him. I never know what the fuck he is thinking. I hate this dance we're doing. I think I'm done. It's too hard to get to know someone with the hope of dating them eventually when you don't know if they still feel the same way. It's too fucking hard I tell ya. I can't handle that when I see him, it takes every ounce of me not to beg him to be my boyfriend (classy, right?)

I'm going to try to distance myself from him because I just don't want to play this game anymore. He seems like a pretty amazing guy and ideally I would like to be at least friends. But reality isn't like that. He's amazing and I can't just be friends with him without having a little break in my heart, at least not right now.

So, here I am, spending yet another V-day on my lonesome. And why the fuck do I care? I never paid attention to V-day when I was in a relationship, I could have cared less but when I'm alone, it's a big fucking deal apparently.

Plans for tonight...homework, laundry, laying on my living room floor with some seriously depressing music. Fun times.

Ah Friends...how do we feel about this?

G and my friendship seems to be going well. He came over last night to play some cards and watch a movie. It was good. Oh but the wanting of canoodling is so very strong.

My expectations with this friendship thing is probably too high. I do want to get to know him better but I also am yet to find anything I dislike about him and so my feelings for him tend to just get stronger. He's not the type of guy to hold on to me as a friend for the intent of another drunken hook up (he's not into drunken hook ups and despite our initial one, it was the first "anything" he's had in years) but I am concerned that I'm going to fall fucking head over heels for him and he's not going to tell me when/if his feelings for me change to "just friends" and I'll never get over him. With his ability to communicate his feelings to me, I have to assume he'll let me know if I should ever "write him off." I'm sincerely hoping he will anyways.

He asked me the other day what my biggest regret is...I said I didn't have one, but in all honesty, getting drunk and hooking up with him was my biggest regret to date. I hate that it left us both feeling like we're obligated to be in a relationship; now that we're out of that relationship, I really would like to get to a point where we are comfortable with the idea of giving it a shot but there's this fear now. Had I stayed sober (at least semi-sober) I wouldn't have slept with him; I wouldn't be in the position that I am now. We would have continued to do this awkward flirting and getting more comfortable with each other and just would have seen where it went. My expectations wouldn't be as high as they are now. High expectations = high insecurity levels.

That being said, no more getting shitfaced around him, period. This is me, holding myself accountable for this. If I do get drunk with him, you all have to comment with a "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!" Deal?

And there it is, the moment we've all been waiting for folks

He walks in my house this morning with this look on his face. I know this look, as I had the same look on my face. This is the look that has been planted on my face the last few days. The look that means, "WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?!" This idea of feeling like I have to compromise myself and my life just to keep a boyfriend has been bugging me. This relationship happened too fast. Even if it wasn't serious, it still happened too fast; there was too much pressure. I don't like pressure. He said, "maybe we should talk." He said he feels like we need to get to know each other better before we jump into anything (uh fella, we already jumped into something...remember?). It's not that I don't disagree, I do, I just feel like a complete idiot. But despite the very necessary break up (it seems ridiculous to even call it that because awkwardly sitting in silence is hardly a relationship) he wanted to stick around and hang out. We went for a walk; we actually were able to converse for once. It was kind of nice, but also kind of heartbreaking because I automatically understood that part of the reason we could talk was because the pressure was off.

We walked back to my place and he suggested we watch a movie. Last week, he brought this big book of movies over and before he left he suggested leaving them here (which, at the time, totally freaked me out). So through the book of movies we went and he stumbled upon Pans Labyrinth. I've always wanted to see it but knew it would be one of those movies that left me in tears; I tried to protest (he's not ready for Sobbing Amanda yet) but he insisted. So we watch it. I have to hide under the covers of my blanket to keep from showing him I was crying.

Movie over, he starts putting on his boots. He gives me a hug; I hand him his book of movies. He says "leave em here, we'll watch another one soon okay?" I must have given him this weird look or something because he looks down at me and says "just don't write me off alright?" WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?! UGHHHHHHHHH I hate it when things are left in the middle. Like, I know that this "break up" was necessary and I'm fully okay with just calling us friends and only having those expectations (because if that's the only expectations I have, I'll get over him that much faster) but giving me this "just don't write me off" bullshit is such...well, bullshit. So now, we're just friends with the possibility of more at some unknown point. Am I allowed to go out on other dates with other people? More importantly, am I allowed to fuck someone else in order to deal with this heartbreak (I do realize I need to stop using sex to get over boys but can we save that post for another day.)

Yarrrrrrr! That's really all I can say.

And there it is

It's baaaaack. Hello lonely depression, long time no see. Yarrrrr! (says Pirate Amanda) I really am pissed. It definitely happened just as I suspected. Woke up Saturday morning to an empty bed. I wake up from a lovely dream (flashback) where I was canoodling in bed with TS. I don't think I mentioned his lovely cuddling in past posts. Basically, he was one of those guys that wanted nothing more than to be touching you in any way possible. It didn't matter what position I was laying in, he'd find a way to cuddle me. Anywho...I woke up, still feeling warm and fuzzy, and rolled over to see my untouched left-side of the bed which instantly took away that warm/fuzzy feeling. *tear* Oh the longing of affection. Does it ever go away? Even when I was happy and feeling good about singlehood, I still missed that touch that a relationship brings. I really just need a hug.

Here is my list of things that cheer me up!

1. Mike Oldfield - Tubular Bells CD (Also on my list of Top Ten Loves)

2. Chocolate covered pretzels

3. PB and jam sandwiches on white bread, cut in half with a glass of milk (my Momma used to make this for me when I had a bad day at school)

4. Chicken noodle soup with so many crackers in it that it soaks up all the broth and it's more like chicken noodle cracker mush

5. Shopping for shoes and/or purses

6. Watching girly movies or teen drama series (helloooo One Tree Hill)

7. Reading

8. Shopping for books

9. Slipper socks

10. Down duvets

I'm choosing to use Tubular Bells, Chicken noodle cracker mush and reading as my preferred cheer-up method tonight.

Apparently we're not friends anymore

Boys SUCK! So Blue and I often hang out...haven't seen him since just before Christmas. This is odd. We have a regular at least once a week hang where we smoke too much pot and watch Lost. I chalked up his lack of calling to the holidays but I propositioned him with a joint, pizza and his choice of zombie movie the other day and hadn't heard from him at all (and how do you turn down an offer like that!) I mentioned this to BFF1 and she said "ohhhh yah, I was meaning to tell you, I saw him with some girl the other day...apparently he's got a girlfriend." Now this brings up two issues with me. 1: I get that girlfriends don't like their boyfriends hanging out with their friends of the female variety alone, but he could have at least responded to my texts by saying "can't, busy" or something. 2: Since it really hasn't been that long since our night of atrocious sex when he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship...well now, that makes me think that it was all about my flaws and non-awesomeness instead of the fact that he wasn't ready.

Currently sitting on my couch in my pj's feeling very very sorry for myself.

Le Sigh

Well I'm officially writing TS off as an FWB. I went to the pub last night and wasn't in a decent mood. TS was there, as was a crush of mine (no one worth "naming" as I have no chance in hell with him and he comes with baggage so despite the crush I don't even know if I'd follow through with him even if I had the opportunity) and about a million other people. TS played the avoidance game most of the night. I drank angrily most of the night and stared longingly at crush. TS and I did happen to meet up outside at one point and chatted for a minute. He asked how I was getting home, I said I'd walk. He said that was silly, I should take a cab. I said I'd walk (I like walking and it really isn't that far). I then implied that I needed to get laid. Actually I'm pretty sure I was drunk enough to just come out and say I needed to get laid, there was no implying there. We made out for like 10 seconds and then he said "no can do". And left. WTF?! I HATE MEN!

I'm taking a hiatus from the search for FWB, I don't need another notch on my bedpost and once the initial euphoria of glorious sex wears off, I do tend to feel like absolute shit about myself.

I need to move the fuck out of this goddamn town. There are no decent men here.

At Home on a Friday Night

I feel like everything is just crashing down around me. They're doing mass lay offs at work right now and I'm just waiting until my time comes. It's so stressful. I heard that they only gave the employees 5 minutes to pack up and leave. 5 fucking minutes! Some of them have been with the company for over 20 yrs. Everyone in my department has started to pack up their desks so that they can use their 5 minutes to say good bye. Every day has brought me tears because I'm so scared of having to say goodbye...which I believe is inevitable.

So I'm stressed from work, and then these little things are being thrown at me all the time and I don't know how to go on. I'm feeling very down right now. It's times like these that I want a relationship, just someone to give me a hug and tell me that it's going to be okay. I feel like a goof even typing this, I hate needing people. But I'll admit it, I need someone right now, and I really don't have anyone. Le sigh

Ugh looks like I need a new "name"

So my first lover since the ex and I broke up (ya the "friend" that gave me a night of extreme pleasure and then never called) is moving back to town and I've run into him 3 more times. We have a billion mutual friends and it looks like I'll be awkwardly seeing much more of him. So I will dub him DB (for Douchebag ha!)

Even before the night of lovin' I've always been incredibly mean to him. Not that he's an angel back to me but we bicker and call each other names. I didn't mind this when there were sexual comments in between the name calling but now there's just name calling and meanness between us. It's really no fun.

On another note...Saturday left me emotionally drained. I was feeling quite anxious all day and by the time I got home from coffee with a friend I was headed for a mental fucking break down. Fuck! I needed to call my sister-in-law to let her know that our Sunday plans were not going to happen as I needed to work on a paper, and before I knew it I was balling my fucking eyes out on the phone. I am pretty sure, in that moment, I gave up completely on life in general. Had I died in my sleep and not woken up Sunday morning, I wouldn't have complained. Thankfully, my sis-in-law (from now on, I will refer to her as Sis) came over and talked me down from my craziness.

Sometimes I ignore the anxiety, sadness, loneliness etc., all week and then it manifests itself into these major mental breakdowns. I wonder why I don't have a boyfriend sometimes and then I remember...Oh ya, you're a fucking nut job!

I'm feeling somewhat better as of today. I'm less anxious but still feeling a little "give up-y" but I know that is just left over from whatever the fuck happened on Saturday.

I'm exhausted.