Ugh looks like I need a new "name"

So my first lover since the ex and I broke up (ya the "friend" that gave me a night of extreme pleasure and then never called) is moving back to town and I've run into him 3 more times. We have a billion mutual friends and it looks like I'll be awkwardly seeing much more of him. So I will dub him DB (for Douchebag ha!)

Even before the night of lovin' I've always been incredibly mean to him. Not that he's an angel back to me but we bicker and call each other names. I didn't mind this when there were sexual comments in between the name calling but now there's just name calling and meanness between us. It's really no fun.

On another note...Saturday left me emotionally drained. I was feeling quite anxious all day and by the time I got home from coffee with a friend I was headed for a mental fucking break down. Fuck! I needed to call my sister-in-law to let her know that our Sunday plans were not going to happen as I needed to work on a paper, and before I knew it I was balling my fucking eyes out on the phone. I am pretty sure, in that moment, I gave up completely on life in general. Had I died in my sleep and not woken up Sunday morning, I wouldn't have complained. Thankfully, my sis-in-law (from now on, I will refer to her as Sis) came over and talked me down from my craziness.

Sometimes I ignore the anxiety, sadness, loneliness etc., all week and then it manifests itself into these major mental breakdowns. I wonder why I don't have a boyfriend sometimes and then I remember...Oh ya, you're a fucking nut job!

I'm feeling somewhat better as of today. I'm less anxious but still feeling a little "give up-y" but I know that is just left over from whatever the fuck happened on Saturday.

I'm exhausted.