And there it is, the moment we've all been waiting for folks

He walks in my house this morning with this look on his face. I know this look, as I had the same look on my face. This is the look that has been planted on my face the last few days. The look that means, "WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?!" This idea of feeling like I have to compromise myself and my life just to keep a boyfriend has been bugging me. This relationship happened too fast. Even if it wasn't serious, it still happened too fast; there was too much pressure. I don't like pressure. He said, "maybe we should talk." He said he feels like we need to get to know each other better before we jump into anything (uh fella, we already jumped into something...remember?). It's not that I don't disagree, I do, I just feel like a complete idiot. But despite the very necessary break up (it seems ridiculous to even call it that because awkwardly sitting in silence is hardly a relationship) he wanted to stick around and hang out. We went for a walk; we actually were able to converse for once. It was kind of nice, but also kind of heartbreaking because I automatically understood that part of the reason we could talk was because the pressure was off.

We walked back to my place and he suggested we watch a movie. Last week, he brought this big book of movies over and before he left he suggested leaving them here (which, at the time, totally freaked me out). So through the book of movies we went and he stumbled upon Pans Labyrinth. I've always wanted to see it but knew it would be one of those movies that left me in tears; I tried to protest (he's not ready for Sobbing Amanda yet) but he insisted. So we watch it. I have to hide under the covers of my blanket to keep from showing him I was crying.

Movie over, he starts putting on his boots. He gives me a hug; I hand him his book of movies. He says "leave em here, we'll watch another one soon okay?" I must have given him this weird look or something because he looks down at me and says "just don't write me off alright?" WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?! UGHHHHHHHHH I hate it when things are left in the middle. Like, I know that this "break up" was necessary and I'm fully okay with just calling us friends and only having those expectations (because if that's the only expectations I have, I'll get over him that much faster) but giving me this "just don't write me off" bullshit is such...well, bullshit. So now, we're just friends with the possibility of more at some unknown point. Am I allowed to go out on other dates with other people? More importantly, am I allowed to fuck someone else in order to deal with this heartbreak (I do realize I need to stop using sex to get over boys but can we save that post for another day.)

Yarrrrrrr! That's really all I can say.

He loves me, He loves me not

Sometimes I wonder what is actually wrong with me that I can be so very insecure.

Due to the drunken Friday night which I barely remember and the resulting relationship, I'm so panicked right now. I kind of regret not being able to continue the fun/awkwardness of trying to figure out when he's going to make a move or whatever. I hate that I can't remember our first kiss or even the first time we had sex. But I do like that we've settled into a relationship and it's out in the open.

That being said, I still can only assume I made a total fool of myself and can not, for the life of me, figure out why he'd want to be with the drunk slutty girl. But he seems like he does. He's always has this serious look on his face (the same look that made me once think he was an arrogant douche) and it terrifies me. This look of his has me constantly expecting him to change his mind about everything (because it happened so so fast) and dump me. He'll call me and say "can I stop by for a bit?" and I'll assume it's him needing to stop by to end things. Then he'll stop by and sit me down next to him and ask me about my day. He just wants to spend time with me and I get so hung up in my own insecurities that I'm having trouble appreciating what's in front of me.

Fuck...is there no end to panic and confusion?

Our first official date

Which seems funny to say because you know he's my boyfriend, but again, we are trying to take things slow.

He picked me up this morning at 9 (OMG! 9 am! He's a morning person...scary) and we went to the flea market in search of Tubular Bells on vinyl. We did not find it. Again, he's super awkward like me and he seems to have a lot of the same weird hang ups I do. Today's shared weird hang up...the flea market. So many people, so many odd smells, so little room. You could tell we were both getting anxious being there and so we left after a quick scan of the place.

We had breakfast and then went back to my house and played some crib and then decided to go to a movie. Since the movie didn't start for a few hours we just laid on my couch and napped (with a little bit of making out in there for good measure). I know we talked about taking it slow but you have no idea how badly I want to doooooo him.

So we went to the movies and then he dropped me off at home as he had a bunch of crap to do today. So that was that. First date a success I think. He was lovely, as he usually is. It was less awkward.

The whole idea of a relationship kind of terrifies me just a little. My last relationship was a really bad one and this one sort of happened really fast (way to fucking go Drunk Amanda.) I like that we're calling it a relationship, I'm just a little disappointed that I can't even remember the first time we kissed and how we ended up in my bed (surely it was my idea because I do slightly recall him offering to sleep on my couch.)

I guess we just continue the dating and see where it goes. The heartbreak still worries me though. My insecurities are running on an all time high right now and I'm scared shitless that at any moment he's going to realize all my flaws and end it.

Oh! One more thought! He doesn't smoke and even though he said it's okay if I do, I don't seem to have any problem at all not smoking around him.

We skipped the dating process

So last night...well I don't remember much of it. I get to the pub and I'm meeting Geoff (ya, we're just going to use his real name) there and when I walk in BFF1 and DB's girlfriend are there. This is bad news. DB's girlfriend drinks heavily and she definitely had me drinking a lot. So here's a recap of everything I remember. (I'm so totally disappointed in myself)

-Geoff comes in and we hug. I am 3 drinks down at this point and that's a lot in a very short period of time

-DB's girlfriend buys a pitcher of beer for me and her to share. That pitcher goes quickly.

-I catch Geoff singing along to a Justin Timberlake song and I swoon

-Another pitcher (oh this is where it gets fuzzy)

-There's a lot of canoodling between Geoff and I

-DB comes in and says "hey Geoff, you look awfully cheerful today" my response to that was "IT'S BECAUSE OF MEEEEEEE!" (fuck, I'm a dork)

-Pitcher is empty and I feel the need for more beer. Geoff buys me a beer...I spill it all over him (and again, fuck, I'm a dork)

-I remember Geoff walking me home.

-I remember waking up beside him sometime in the middle of the night naked (I can only assume we had sex)

-After waking up, we have sex

-and then we have sex again

-This morning we have sex again and once more for good measure (holy crap!)

-We go for breakfast, he says "so I guess I should have a chat with your brother." I ask him what he is planning on saying to him and he said "well that we're a couple, I guess" I opt to let SIS tell him for us.

-We changed our facebook relationship status's this morning to reflect our couplehood.

I'm feeling giddy and I know we're just dating and we'll actually probably take it kind of slow (unless I'm drunk apparently) from here on out. I do feel a little weird about how everything happened but I'm okay with it.

Also, my vagina hurts like you wouldn't believe but it's one of those good hurts