Random Things That Happened Over The Last 3 Weeks

A list for you all...

- I bought a new car. Well I ordered a new car. I’m currently waiting for it to come in from the factory.

- My current car randomly started to die. Replaced a Fuel Sensor.

- Car wouldn’t start. Cranks but no start. Replaced battery.

- Got 3 blocks from work and heard a weird car noise. Flat tire.

- Flat tire can’t be repaired. Don’t wanna buy a new tire. I have snow tires at home though.

- Drove home on my teeny tiny spare going 50km/hr. Took me an hour and a half.

- Replaced tires with snow tires.

- Thought about how I could get away with stealing my neighbors new puppy.

- Considered stabbing my neighbor to inherit said puppy.

- Saw a car commercial. Disappointed I didn’t get the car from that commercial. Realized that commercial was for the car I ordered. Felt stupid.

- Lost my neighbors keys.

- Had to get a locksmith to open her door.

- Got a random crush on a guy at work that I never found attractive before.

- Started texting with guy at work.

- Constantly question if I actually like him or if I just want a relationship.

...Mentor my ass

So a little while ago I thought it would be a good idea to volunteer at our youth resource center as a youth mentor. I was excited about it. A lot of the time these youth are emancipated from their parents and lack a lot of basic skills like cooking. I would get to teach them things like cooking and budgeting as well as being a friend to them. The thing is, now that the youth worker has interviewed me and done a background check I'm starting to get nervous. Ha! What kind of mentor would I be...one of those "do as I say not as I do" mentors?

Amanda's possible mentoring quotes:

"Listen, I know you'll want to get drunk and sleep with him but don't do it...and you will do it even though I told you not to so make sure you use a condom. And if you don't use a condom make sure you go to planned parenthood and get the morning after pill. And when you're lying there sick as a dog from the morning after pill don't call me because I can't handle sick people and I especially can't handle vomit"

"Sure I'll buy you smokes"

"Once you start drinking, hand a good friend your cell phone to keep safe. Nothing worse than waking up and having a text msg from a boy you like that says "did you mean dink or drunk?" And then going through sent text msgs and realizing you texted him "why were you being such a dunk tonight?" Stupid T9

"Just because the Katy Perry song is playing doesn't mean you have to kiss girls"

"Rye stays down better than vodka. If it doesn't stay down, rye doesn't hurt as much coming up either. Win-win."

"It doesn't matter how hot the guy is, don't try to impress him by attempting to out drink him. It'll be messy"

"Wash your sheets before you go out for a night of drinking, you never know who'll be sleeping on them later."

This is gonna be interesting. I'm potentially the worst role model ever.

70's Porn Bush!

A few days ago I got out of the shower all nice and squeaky clean. Did a quick dry off (I'm lazy when it comes to drying off. Normally I'm putting on my pants still soaking wet and all the fabric clings and it's weird) and proceeded to put on some fresh pajama pants. Later on as I was sitting on the couch, I noticed that my entire crotch area was basically soaking wet. My first thought, oddly enough, was "did I piss myself?" I mean how else could the crotch of my pants have gotten soaked? This thought was short lived as I quickly realize that one doesn't usually urinate in their pants without noticing. So then the more logical reason came to mind...it's probably due to the fact that I didn't dry off well and I haven't shaved my bush since...the last time I was with G. I'm goin' au naturel right at the moment. So the mass of pubic hair that had absorbed all of my shower water was the cause of my wet crotch. After solving that mystery, I started thinking...

Why the fuck do girls shave their pubic hair into patterns?! Seriously, why? Do they think it's cute? It's not cute, it's creepy. Am I opposed to shaving my cooch? Not if I'm getting action. If I'm getting action, a shaved bush or mostly shaved bush (I don't think the classic landing strip counts as a shape) is polite. Do girls actually shave their pubes into shapes, like lightning bolts? Or is this just something that people talk about but no one actually does (because it's stupid?)

So right now I'm sporting the 70's porn bush. It's fucking empowering (and a little itchy)! I revel at the jungle of pubes peaking out from the sides of my underwear. It's a nice relief from the razor burn and ingrown hairs. I like my bush! Yes, even the hair that grows in my ass crack. You all just got wide eyed and disturbed, didn't you?! Did she actually just say "hair that grows in my ass crack?!"...Yes, yes I did. And ya know what?! Don't even try to deny it; I have proof. A friend of mine once talked to her friend who is a waxer and according to her waxer every girl has hair in their ass crack. Right up to the butthole and sometimes a little further. So there! Add that to the list of things I need to teach my future daughter. 1. Girls poop and fart and shouldn't be embarrassed by it (at least not around their friends.) 2. Masturbation is normal. When girls say that they don't masturbate, they're lying (unless you're Sis who didn't even try to masturbate until she was in her 20's...poor girl.) 3. You will eventually get hair in your butt crack, just know that all girls have this.

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

I am:

A computer nerd. I love World of Warcraft. I can play for hours but I don't because I can not afford the $20/month it costs to be on it. I also love The Sims (and am anxiously awaiting the release of The Sims 3.) Sometimes if I play for too long, I start to think in The Sims. For those that play, there are bars at the bottom the show how hungry, tired, happy etc they are. After I've played, and say for example I get up to go to the bathroom, I imagine my "bathroom bar" going back to green. Jeez.

I'm socially awkward. It's why I drink. I don't make friends easily because I have a hard time talking to people.

I keep a budget. I follow a budget. I adjust my budget constantly. I'm obsessed with budgeting. Being in debt scares the shit out of me. I'm having a very difficult time being slightly in debt because of school, even though school is an alright reason to be in debt.

I am severely addicted to reading. I read all sorts of books. My ideal night would involve a nice cup of earl gray tea, a cozy blanket, some good tunes, and a book. I think books are the only thing that keeps me sane. It's like an escape. Even though this is an unfair comparison, I think of it like how a drug addict uses drugs to escape from real life. I escape through books.

I am incredibly unlady like. I burp, fart, and talk about pooping and I'm not ashamed of any of it. I know when it's not the right time to let a loud belch (and trust me, I could win any burping contest, they are loud) and I'm not rude. But sitting with my friends or while at work (I work with all men) I have no problem letting one out. I don't get embarrassed by my farting. And you know how girls quite often feel the need to announce when they have to pee? I will tell you when I have to poo.

I make inappropriate and offensive jokes. I get it from my dad. My favorite joke as a child was "What's more disgusting than 10 dead puppies in a barrel? 1 dead puppy in 10 barrels." They've only gotten more morbid and disturbing as I've grown up. I'm actually a little ashamed of what comes out of my mouth sometimes.

I once said "Fuck the Pope" in front of my Catholic (albeit mostly non-practicing) grandparents. How fucked up is that? I don't really remember the context of it. It must have been something about "the Pope would never approve of that." And "Fuck the Pope" was my response to that comment. It was an accident, I swear.

I've always wanted to be in a fight. I seriously want to punch some girl out. No girl in particular (although right now I can think of at least one girl I'd like to knock out) but I just want to take my aggression out on some snotty mouthed cunt one time, instead of just getting annoyed and walking away.

Since the word has already been said, I might as well add this to the list. I don't find "cunt" to be an offensive word and I usually use it quite regularly.

I can drive manual transmission. I don't ever intend to have an automatic vehicle. I will always drive a standard. Truth be told, it kind of turns me on. I don't know why, there is just something hot about shifting gears. Weird, right?

I'm almost resentful about the people I care about being happy and in love. It's really hard to see everyone I care about being happy with their significant other while I'm all alone. That makes me feel like a bad person.

And there it is

It's baaaaack. Hello lonely depression, long time no see. Yarrrrr! (says Pirate Amanda) I really am pissed. It definitely happened just as I suspected. Woke up Saturday morning to an empty bed. I wake up from a lovely dream (flashback) where I was canoodling in bed with TS. I don't think I mentioned his lovely cuddling in past posts. Basically, he was one of those guys that wanted nothing more than to be touching you in any way possible. It didn't matter what position I was laying in, he'd find a way to cuddle me. Anywho...I woke up, still feeling warm and fuzzy, and rolled over to see my untouched left-side of the bed which instantly took away that warm/fuzzy feeling. *tear* Oh the longing of affection. Does it ever go away? Even when I was happy and feeling good about singlehood, I still missed that touch that a relationship brings. I really just need a hug.

Here is my list of things that cheer me up!

1. Mike Oldfield - Tubular Bells CD (Also on my list of Top Ten Loves)

2. Chocolate covered pretzels

3. PB and jam sandwiches on white bread, cut in half with a glass of milk (my Momma used to make this for me when I had a bad day at school)

4. Chicken noodle soup with so many crackers in it that it soaks up all the broth and it's more like chicken noodle cracker mush

5. Shopping for shoes and/or purses

6. Watching girly movies or teen drama series (helloooo One Tree Hill)

7. Reading

8. Shopping for books

9. Slipper socks

10. Down duvets

I'm choosing to use Tubular Bells, Chicken noodle cracker mush and reading as my preferred cheer-up method tonight.

Huzzah!

It's been almost two weeks since my last post and I'm still feeling really good about being single. It's insane. Maybe it's because it's New Year's resolution time but I'm so focused on myself right now that the idea of 'man' is just not that enticing.

So...here's my goals for next year:

1. Be Fit! I want to be able to say that I'm fit and active. So my starting out point for this is to go to the gym regularly. By regularly I mean 3-4 times a week. This will increase my current gym time by...well, 3-4 times a week.

2. Be able to run a 10km. So obviously this is going to take some training and isn't going to happen lickitysplit, but I've found a training program and I am going to work hard to do it.

3. Quit smoking. SAY WHAT?! Ya...we're gonna give it a go after New Years. We'll see if this one sticks though.

4. If money isn't an issue (it shouldn't be if I stick with goal 3) join a kickboxing class. And I'm not talking cardio kickboxing, which sounds awesome though, I'm talking full on kick ass kickboxing.

5. Stick to my budget!

I did really well this year with my diet (even though I'm up 4lbs since last weigh in, due to holiday treats) my exercise has been lacking, especially these last few months. So that's what I'm concentrating on. I've also made up a budget for the next year so that I can pay off some school debt and start putting money back into my savings account.

Also, as of January 2nd I'm doing a No Booze challenge (bet) with a friend. So no booze from Jan 2nd - Mar 2nd. I'm really looking forward to this, mostly because it will tame down the drunken one nighters.

Things I hate!

I'm in a pissy mood today, so no better time to tell you about all the things I hate.

1. When my brother is cranky and treats me like I'm still his annoying 14 yr old sister. HELLOOOO! I'm your annoying 22 yr old sister now...at least give me that.

2. When people promise to help you out with something but never follow through.

3. Boys

4. Hangovers

5. Tummy aches from eating too much pizza at work

6. When people insist you call them at a certain time but are not there when you call

7. When I go to the local coffee hang and they make my London Fog crappy.

8. My cat knocking my book in the toilet

9. People that look at me weird when I'm singing in my car. WTF?! Everyone does it douchebag!

10. The fact that my couch smells kinda funny right now and I'm not really sure why

11. The fact that I'm poor and can no longer afford a housekeeper and so I'm sitting here amongst the seemingly endless array of diet coke cans and random papers.

12. Getting paid tomorrow when I need groceries today!

13. Boys (wait did I say that already?)

14. People that shun me for my smoking. Ya I know it's gross. I don't blow it in your face, or light one up in your car/home but if you're in my car and I light one up don't lecture me and drive your fucking self next time.

15. How girls tend to get way more noticeably drunk than boys do.

16. Douchebaggery

17. Smart Assery when I'm not in the mood

18. Feeling like I need a relationship to be happy. FUCK!

19. Really crappy ass music that gets stuck in your head (ya know how many times I found myself singing Mariah Carey today? Too many times. Thanks Work Radio)

20. Boys that try to trick girls into admitting they masturbate and then act shocked and appalled when they do admit it. I realize that the reaction is most likely due to the attempt at hiding the fact that they are turned on by the thought, but still, let's lay it on the table...GIRLS MASTURBATE JUST AS MUCH AS BOYS! and in my case, probably more.

My Needs

So I was thinking about what I needed in a guy (relationship-wise) and what my deal breakers are...so here's the start of the list. Keep in mind, things can (and probably will) be added, removed or altered at anytime I see fit.

Amanda's Top 10 Needs (most of them are emotional/mental/personality type thing. I'm not a shallow person. I appreciate a hot guy but it's not necessary, if I like your personality you are officially hot in my books)
1. Make me laugh. It's not as easy as you think.

2. Ambition. I want a guy that's got ambition to do something with his life. Even if he doesn't know what the fuck it is yet, he's just gotta have some ideas. Double points if he does know and is in some way working towards that.

3. Responsible...for the most part.

4. Appreciates a good lazy night/day. I really don't want a guy that wants to be on the run or partying all the time; I want someone that will watch movie upon movie with me on an occasional Friday and not feel like he's been jipped.

5. SEX! I need someone that's on the same sex-page as me. I don't want once a week sex; I want spontaneous sex and lots of it. Come home from work and push me up against a wall sex, wake me up in the middle of the night sex, call in sick to work and fuck all day sex...okay, you get the point. I just don't want "well it's Wednesday, day of sex, better shave/bathe and put on the sexy underwear and grin and bear it for 7 minutes" kinda sex.

6. Honesty - this one is obvious.

7. Has the ability to apologize. Seriously, if you're gonna be an ass (which of course you are entitled to occasionally) at least recognize and apologize for it (sincerely).

8. Know that I will not apologize for something I'm not sorry for (*ahem* calling you out on being an ass). That's right, I'm tough as nails.

9. Accept that despite my tough as nails personality, I will cry at silly commercials, shows and movies. I enjoy stupid teen drama series and girly teen movies. Deal with it, I'm not going to make you watch it, I just expect that you won't tease me about it (at least not in public). I will accept your love of martial arts, war and stupid action flicks in return.

10. Just accept me for who I am. Don't try to change me, I won't try to change you.

Part 2 (probably tomorrow) will be my list of needs in a Friend with Benefits and my list of Deal Breakers.

My Top 10 Loves

Top 10 Loves!

10. Chuck Taylors

9. Massages!

8. Mike Oldfield – Tubular Bells. This cd is probably one of my favorites. I can listen to it in any mood and it has the necessary effect, it’s also the perfect length for a nap

7. Eyebrow threading.

6. Tattoos love 'em on me, on guys, the pain…everything about 'em

5. Curling up with a good book and cup of tea

4. Making out…just making out (okay a little boob grab is fine) I hate that boys automatically go for the goods now instead of wanting to make out for hours until your lips are numb

3. My purple sheets –so soft and silky (without being silk). Downside…they are dark purple, and drool (*ahem* or other fluids) shows up so badly.

2. Camping

1. Spooning…including falling asleep in each others arms. The love of spooning only works if the male falls asleep in spooning position, moves into non-spooning position at some point during the night (otherwise I wake up hot and sweaty) and then spoons me again in the morning. Okay I’m particular, but it’s not too much to ask damnit!