Here I am!

I'm back new and improved! Sort of. I have a pretty severely sprained ankle due to some awesome drunken shenanigans. God I love drunken shenanigans and the injuries that result from them.

So far the anti-anxiety/anti-depressants have been really helpful. I feel like I've gotten a bit better. I think the mood stabilizers have actually stabilized me a tad. Of course it's an accumulative drug so in another few weeks I'll be feeling the full effects.

I've been much more social than usual and much more spontaneous which is surprisingly awesome. I've always been the girl that writes lists and organizes all my time in a schedule so spontaneously getting my nose pierced was way out of the norm for me.

I'm also planning a trip to Europe next summer and even though it's a long ways a way, I'm beyond stoked about it!!

Day 2

So today is day 2 on my anti-depressants/anti-anxiety. Day 1 was fucking rough. At about 7:30 am I took the first pill...20 minutes later I was fighting the urge to vomit. After I ate some crackers, I felt a lot better. And then about 5 minutes after that I started to feel really fidgety. The fidgety turned into jittery pretty quickly. Through out the day it got progressively worse. I couldn't stop shaking. I couldn't concentrate on my computer for very long and I was so so antsy. About 3 anxiety attacks later, I called the pharmacist. "Oh the jittery feeling is a pretty common side effect. It should go away within a few days; if it doesn't go away, make an appointment with your doctor." I asked what else I can do because I can't handle a few days of this. She told me I can take half a pill for a few days so the uppers aren't such a huge shock on my body. So that was my plan for today...

But I wasn't sure if I could do it. I expected the jittery thing to be gone by bed time but it wasn't. I tossed and turned (and cried from frustration!) all night long. I decided I couldn't take my next pill because I couldn't handle this particular side effect. But I decided to give the half pill a shot because it couldn't have been worse than day 1.

It wasn't. The jittering was still there but not in a way I couldn't handle it. I also noticed some other side effects...yawning. I've been yawning all day and apparently that is a side effect. It's kind of weird. It's totally bearable but also a lot more uncomfortable than you'd imagine. I also keep clenching my teeth. So many fucking side effects.

So I don't know how I'll deal with it once I start taking whole pills again...we'll see

There is no way in HELL I'm as crazy as you are, dude

So I had my appointment with Mental Health. I'm sitting in the waiting room and I can't help but notice everyone else in there. I glance to my left and there's a youngish guy sitting and filling out forms. He looked like a pretty normal dude, so probably going through the same kind of anxiety/depression I am...perhaps even depressed because he could be out of work due to the economy (of course he could have been some schizophrenic psychopath and I'd never know it.) Next is a girl that had a tiny little baby girl with her...perhaps some sort of post-partum depression. I noticed the guy to my right and he was pretty creepy looking and was picking at his arm scabs *shudder* Bored with people watching, I continued to fill out my forms.

As I was sitting there filling out my form, I heard the creepy guy constantly clearing his throat. After 5 minutes of listening to this guy clear his throat I couldn't help but look up. I glanced his way and he was like staring at me in the most creepy way. As soon as I looked at him he went "so...how's it going?" I gave him a bit of an odd look and said "fine, I guess." I looked back down and continued filling out my form. I think I shuddered a little with disgust. The guy just looked creepy. As I was filling out the part of the form that was about how you were referred, I couldn't help but giggled when I read "Court-ordered referral"...that creepy guy was so here because of a court order. Psycho!

I finished my forms and I was just waiting to be taken in and then I hear the guy start to clear his throat again. I can't help but glance up at this guy. I look at him and he was looking at me again and he said, "so what are you here for?" Excuse me? What the fuck! That is so beyond inappropriate; we're at mental health! I couldn't help but say "uhhh none of your business, dude." I said it as polite as possible, apparently I should have been far bitchier because the next thing that came out of his mouth was "I can't imagine this will take that long, what are you doing..." And then, thank fucking god, the lady came out and got me. As I walked away I was sure to give him the dirtiest look I could summon up. I could only assume he was going to ask me what I was doing afterward...not going anywhere near you, douchebag!

First off all, Mental Health is not the place to pick up chicks. Had we been in a coffee shop or something, I would have politely turned him down and pretended to be flattered. But we weren't in a coffee shop, we were at Mental Fucking Health! This kind of brings me to my next point, had we been in a coffee shop and he hit on me he still would have been far too creeptastic looking to even consider. I'm a firm believer that if you look creepy chances are you are creepy. I just couldn't believe it.

And for an update on the mental health front...my psychologist suggested I do a mixture of medication, counseling, and group therapy (group? WTF?) I'm going to be open minded about medication because obviously what I was doing before wasn't working. It's going to take me a little while to get used to the idea of group though. It just weirds me out.

Fucking Finally!

After a very long waitlist, I've finally got an appointment with Mental Health (Thursday.) I'm sort of conflicted about how I feel about it. Part of me thinks that I just need to suck it up and deal with it. That it's not as bad as I make it out to be and that its my own fault because I've been digging myself in a hole of loneliness because I'm isolating myself. The other part of me thinks that my isolating myself is just a symptom of my depression/anxiety. That I need to consider the fact that perhaps my anxiety and depression is something beyond "normal" and that just because I have the occasional good day it doesn't mean that I'm not deserving or justified in seeking help.

I'll keep you all updated.

Cross your fingers that my counselor isn't sexy, I don't want him to see me cry if he is!

P.S. Currently looking for a new job because I hate my job with such a passion and I don't think that it's aiding in the depression/anxiety.

Drained like a mother fucker!

I had my counseling today. I really think it went well. I think she's a good match for me. I'm feeling really fucking drained though. I can't remember the last time I cried so hard. My sessions have been postponed because my counselor wants me to deal with my anxiety problems (with a mental health counselor and possibly medication) first because she wants to really delve into everything and is concerned that it could make my anxiety issues worse for a short period of time.

So let's cross our fingers and hope this works out; I would give my right fucking arm to feel normal again.

I've also made a gym date with a friend for tomorrow. I know that I'll feel better once I start going back to the gym, it is just so hard for me to actually go. But now I've made it so I have to go. Wish me luck!

P.S. I need to get laid!!!!!!!! Fuck! I gotta find a FWB soon or my hand is gonna fucking fall off.

Super Sigh

I wish I could say I feel better since my overly depressing post a few weeks back...but I don't. I'm getting some help though. I have set up counseling with a Women's Resource Center. I've also been referred to Mental Health to get help with my anxiety/depression. I'm mostly against taking medication but I'm trying really hard to be open to that possibility right now.

I'm trying to stay positive though. It's hard, and there's a part of me that doesn't want to even try to be positive but I think, for the sake of the people I love, I need to at least try to pretend that I'm alright.

I imagine that I won't be blogging much because I actually feel guilty that the last months of my blog have been relatively depressing (it was not the original intent of my blog to be like a journal of my own self pity) and I just can't see anyone wanting to read this anymore. I'll most definitely keep up with blogging anything that I feel is blog worthy but for the most part, I think the posts will be pretty far apart. Bare with me, guys. I promise that one day (soon hopefully) my blog will be more positive and entertaining.

I'll also post tattoo pictures soon! My first sitting is on the 14th (Weeeeee!)

He loves me, He loves me not

Sometimes I wonder what is actually wrong with me that I can be so very insecure.

Due to the drunken Friday night which I barely remember and the resulting relationship, I'm so panicked right now. I kind of regret not being able to continue the fun/awkwardness of trying to figure out when he's going to make a move or whatever. I hate that I can't remember our first kiss or even the first time we had sex. But I do like that we've settled into a relationship and it's out in the open.

That being said, I still can only assume I made a total fool of myself and can not, for the life of me, figure out why he'd want to be with the drunk slutty girl. But he seems like he does. He's always has this serious look on his face (the same look that made me once think he was an arrogant douche) and it terrifies me. This look of his has me constantly expecting him to change his mind about everything (because it happened so so fast) and dump me. He'll call me and say "can I stop by for a bit?" and I'll assume it's him needing to stop by to end things. Then he'll stop by and sit me down next to him and ask me about my day. He just wants to spend time with me and I get so hung up in my own insecurities that I'm having trouble appreciating what's in front of me.

Fuck...is there no end to panic and confusion?

Our first official date

Which seems funny to say because you know he's my boyfriend, but again, we are trying to take things slow.

He picked me up this morning at 9 (OMG! 9 am! He's a morning person...scary) and we went to the flea market in search of Tubular Bells on vinyl. We did not find it. Again, he's super awkward like me and he seems to have a lot of the same weird hang ups I do. Today's shared weird hang up...the flea market. So many people, so many odd smells, so little room. You could tell we were both getting anxious being there and so we left after a quick scan of the place.

We had breakfast and then went back to my house and played some crib and then decided to go to a movie. Since the movie didn't start for a few hours we just laid on my couch and napped (with a little bit of making out in there for good measure). I know we talked about taking it slow but you have no idea how badly I want to doooooo him.

So we went to the movies and then he dropped me off at home as he had a bunch of crap to do today. So that was that. First date a success I think. He was lovely, as he usually is. It was less awkward.

The whole idea of a relationship kind of terrifies me just a little. My last relationship was a really bad one and this one sort of happened really fast (way to fucking go Drunk Amanda.) I like that we're calling it a relationship, I'm just a little disappointed that I can't even remember the first time we kissed and how we ended up in my bed (surely it was my idea because I do slightly recall him offering to sleep on my couch.)

I guess we just continue the dating and see where it goes. The heartbreak still worries me though. My insecurities are running on an all time high right now and I'm scared shitless that at any moment he's going to realize all my flaws and end it.

Oh! One more thought! He doesn't smoke and even though he said it's okay if I do, I don't seem to have any problem at all not smoking around him.

No Smoking! Not fucking likely

Okay so today was supposed to be the first full day without smoking. I woke up with smoking on my mind. This is odd because it normally takes me a good hour after I get up before I think about lighting up. I even got gas without buying smokes. I got to work and was feeling really fucking crazy at this point. It was fucked.

Then, this boy that I'm friends with from work, is standing outside my window having a smoke and without realizing it I was giving him the "Come Fuck Me" eyes! Not because I wanted to fuck him (although if the opportunity came up, I probably wouldn't refuse) just because I wanted his fucking cigarette. So I'm giving him this look and he gives me this "Why the fuck are you looking at me like you're going to take me out to the forest and rape me" look back. Of course I realized what I was doing at this point, got really flustered and embarrassed and went outside and said "Can you not smoke in front of my window, I'm trying to fucking quit!" This is where karma is a bitch. The last time work-friend tried to quit, I kinda teased him about it. So he starts taunting me with the smoking. And then...I started to cry! Then he felt really really bad and got all apologetic and I was more embarrassed and started to cry harder. I'm talking snot-sniveling, snorting crying.

But I made it through the rest of the day, albeit crying all day. I get home and am just shaking like crazy. I thought, okay, you can go buy a pack of smokes or you can just suck it up. I opted to suck it up and go and get a London Fog from the coffee shop. I'm driving there (still shaking) and just as I'm about to turn into the parking lot, I slide on black ice and do a full fucking 360 in my motherfucking car. I make into the parking lot without hitting anything but obviously now I'm shaking more and crying. I tell myself, just go inside and have your tea, it'll be okay. So I start walking in with a tear stained face, and low and fucking behold TS is sitting there...smoking. And I'm shaking and quite obviously had been crying and then the fucking tears start come again. So I make a mad dash to get inside. I get my tea and I calm down a little. I decided not to stay because I don't want to sit there and be upset about my almost accident, the shit that went on with TS, and not smoking (oh also, I looked like SHIT and didn't really want to be seen.) So I walk out, tea in hand, and TS stands up and walks up to me and says "what's going on? are you okay?" All I could choke out without crying was "No". Please keep in mind I'm still shaking like fucking crazy. And he says "come sit down and have a smoke." That was it! I was done with quitting.

So I had a smoke. The shaking stopped and I calmed down enough to thank him and say I'd best be going. He suggested I come with him to the pub but I said no thanks and left.

So where do I stand...perhaps I should have tried to cut back before I decided to quit. It's really hard to go from almost a pack a day to zero.

I'm truly ashamed

Ugh looks like I need a new "name"

So my first lover since the ex and I broke up (ya the "friend" that gave me a night of extreme pleasure and then never called) is moving back to town and I've run into him 3 more times. We have a billion mutual friends and it looks like I'll be awkwardly seeing much more of him. So I will dub him DB (for Douchebag ha!)

Even before the night of lovin' I've always been incredibly mean to him. Not that he's an angel back to me but we bicker and call each other names. I didn't mind this when there were sexual comments in between the name calling but now there's just name calling and meanness between us. It's really no fun.

On another note...Saturday left me emotionally drained. I was feeling quite anxious all day and by the time I got home from coffee with a friend I was headed for a mental fucking break down. Fuck! I needed to call my sister-in-law to let her know that our Sunday plans were not going to happen as I needed to work on a paper, and before I knew it I was balling my fucking eyes out on the phone. I am pretty sure, in that moment, I gave up completely on life in general. Had I died in my sleep and not woken up Sunday morning, I wouldn't have complained. Thankfully, my sis-in-law (from now on, I will refer to her as Sis) came over and talked me down from my craziness.

Sometimes I ignore the anxiety, sadness, loneliness etc., all week and then it manifests itself into these major mental breakdowns. I wonder why I don't have a boyfriend sometimes and then I remember...Oh ya, you're a fucking nut job!

I'm feeling somewhat better as of today. I'm less anxious but still feeling a little "give up-y" but I know that is just left over from whatever the fuck happened on Saturday.

I'm exhausted.