No Smoking! Not fucking likely

Okay so today was supposed to be the first full day without smoking. I woke up with smoking on my mind. This is odd because it normally takes me a good hour after I get up before I think about lighting up. I even got gas without buying smokes. I got to work and was feeling really fucking crazy at this point. It was fucked.

Then, this boy that I'm friends with from work, is standing outside my window having a smoke and without realizing it I was giving him the "Come Fuck Me" eyes! Not because I wanted to fuck him (although if the opportunity came up, I probably wouldn't refuse) just because I wanted his fucking cigarette. So I'm giving him this look and he gives me this "Why the fuck are you looking at me like you're going to take me out to the forest and rape me" look back. Of course I realized what I was doing at this point, got really flustered and embarrassed and went outside and said "Can you not smoke in front of my window, I'm trying to fucking quit!" This is where karma is a bitch. The last time work-friend tried to quit, I kinda teased him about it. So he starts taunting me with the smoking. And then...I started to cry! Then he felt really really bad and got all apologetic and I was more embarrassed and started to cry harder. I'm talking snot-sniveling, snorting crying.

But I made it through the rest of the day, albeit crying all day. I get home and am just shaking like crazy. I thought, okay, you can go buy a pack of smokes or you can just suck it up. I opted to suck it up and go and get a London Fog from the coffee shop. I'm driving there (still shaking) and just as I'm about to turn into the parking lot, I slide on black ice and do a full fucking 360 in my motherfucking car. I make into the parking lot without hitting anything but obviously now I'm shaking more and crying. I tell myself, just go inside and have your tea, it'll be okay. So I start walking in with a tear stained face, and low and fucking behold TS is sitting there...smoking. And I'm shaking and quite obviously had been crying and then the fucking tears start come again. So I make a mad dash to get inside. I get my tea and I calm down a little. I decided not to stay because I don't want to sit there and be upset about my almost accident, the shit that went on with TS, and not smoking (oh also, I looked like SHIT and didn't really want to be seen.) So I walk out, tea in hand, and TS stands up and walks up to me and says "what's going on? are you okay?" All I could choke out without crying was "No". Please keep in mind I'm still shaking like fucking crazy. And he says "come sit down and have a smoke." That was it! I was done with quitting.

So I had a smoke. The shaking stopped and I calmed down enough to thank him and say I'd best be going. He suggested I come with him to the pub but I said no thanks and left.

So where do I stand...perhaps I should have tried to cut back before I decided to quit. It's really hard to go from almost a pack a day to zero.

I'm truly ashamed