I'll Squash My Own Spiders, Thank You Very Much

The mood today has been desperately lonely. It was another tough night of sleeping in my gigantic bed all by my lonesome (seriously considering buying a twin mattress). At about 2 am I dragged my pillow and duvet onto my couch as I have done almost every night for last year and a half. Even on the couch last night I tossed and turned...okay and cried a little. I woke up this morning with that lonely mood and then I got so fucking mad. Almost shaking mad. I can't remember the last time I've been this mad (this is a lie, I do remember. It was the day facebook informed me that The Ex was officially relationshipping with the slutbag he cheated on me with.)

I was just so furious. I mean, why the fuck do I need a man? I have 3 high powered vibrators that get the job done lickitysplit! I spent a half an hour putting together my very own patio table. I carry my own garbage down and maneuver the bag over my head and into the bin. This morning I went outside to have a smoke and was disgusted to find my entire patio infested with spiders. GAH!!! I fucking hate spiders. Have they made spider catchers? And if they have, why are they not advertised. I am definitely going to go to some sort of outdoorsy store to check this shit out. If spider catchers haven't been invented, then someone better get on that shit because that's a million dollar invention right there. Anywhoooo since I was unaware of the possibility of spider catchers this morning, I was left to fend for myself. AND I FUCKING DID. I fended for myself. It was me against the spiders. I got on my old chucks and squashed those motherfuckers; they didn't even see it coming.

My whole point here is that I don't need to be taken care of. I can do all this shit on my own. Why do I feel so helpless all the time then? Fuck, it's all about the intimacy and affection isn't it? I know that's what I miss. So now my goal is to find all the awful points of intimacy and affection so I don't miss it anymore. I just can't think of anything awful yet. But I will find something.

And now for something completely different, I got the outline of my half sleeve (which has now turned into a 3/4 sleeve) done. Woohoo! It was awesome, and looks awesome. Having my elbow tattooed hurt like a motherfucker but it's all worth it. At the moment however, I am hating this tattoo. Why you ask? Because my arm is so itchy I actually looked at my serrated bread knife and considered sawing off my arm. I only have a few more days until the itch goes away...of course shortly after the itch goes away, I'll be getting the shading done.

Super Sigh

I wish I could say I feel better since my overly depressing post a few weeks back...but I don't. I'm getting some help though. I have set up counseling with a Women's Resource Center. I've also been referred to Mental Health to get help with my anxiety/depression. I'm mostly against taking medication but I'm trying really hard to be open to that possibility right now.

I'm trying to stay positive though. It's hard, and there's a part of me that doesn't want to even try to be positive but I think, for the sake of the people I love, I need to at least try to pretend that I'm alright.

I imagine that I won't be blogging much because I actually feel guilty that the last months of my blog have been relatively depressing (it was not the original intent of my blog to be like a journal of my own self pity) and I just can't see anyone wanting to read this anymore. I'll most definitely keep up with blogging anything that I feel is blog worthy but for the most part, I think the posts will be pretty far apart. Bare with me, guys. I promise that one day (soon hopefully) my blog will be more positive and entertaining.

I'll also post tattoo pictures soon! My first sitting is on the 14th (Weeeeee!)

Tattoo Therapy

So I had my consultation today about my half sleeve. I'm feeling very energetic right now and I'm totally stoked on this tattoo. If any of you know anything about tarot cards, I'm going to get the image for the strength card on my right arm. If you don't know, this is a drawing of a woman with her hand on a lions mouth. The drawing on most tarot cards is kind of renaissancey and the woman looks quite angelic. I'm going to get a more updated, realistic (and less angelic) version. So this will set me back a minimum of $800. $800 but totally fucking worth it.

I won't get to see the drawing until the end of February and I'm going to be antsy until then, but hey, this gives me something to look forward to!