Random Things That Happened Over The Last 3 Weeks

A list for you all...

- I bought a new car. Well I ordered a new car. I’m currently waiting for it to come in from the factory.

- My current car randomly started to die. Replaced a Fuel Sensor.

- Car wouldn’t start. Cranks but no start. Replaced battery.

- Got 3 blocks from work and heard a weird car noise. Flat tire.

- Flat tire can’t be repaired. Don’t wanna buy a new tire. I have snow tires at home though.

- Drove home on my teeny tiny spare going 50km/hr. Took me an hour and a half.

- Replaced tires with snow tires.

- Thought about how I could get away with stealing my neighbors new puppy.

- Considered stabbing my neighbor to inherit said puppy.

- Saw a car commercial. Disappointed I didn’t get the car from that commercial. Realized that commercial was for the car I ordered. Felt stupid.

- Lost my neighbors keys.

- Had to get a locksmith to open her door.

- Got a random crush on a guy at work that I never found attractive before.

- Started texting with guy at work.

- Constantly question if I actually like him or if I just want a relationship.

There is no way in HELL I'm as crazy as you are, dude

So I had my appointment with Mental Health. I'm sitting in the waiting room and I can't help but notice everyone else in there. I glance to my left and there's a youngish guy sitting and filling out forms. He looked like a pretty normal dude, so probably going through the same kind of anxiety/depression I am...perhaps even depressed because he could be out of work due to the economy (of course he could have been some schizophrenic psychopath and I'd never know it.) Next is a girl that had a tiny little baby girl with her...perhaps some sort of post-partum depression. I noticed the guy to my right and he was pretty creepy looking and was picking at his arm scabs *shudder* Bored with people watching, I continued to fill out my forms.

As I was sitting there filling out my form, I heard the creepy guy constantly clearing his throat. After 5 minutes of listening to this guy clear his throat I couldn't help but look up. I glanced his way and he was like staring at me in the most creepy way. As soon as I looked at him he went "so...how's it going?" I gave him a bit of an odd look and said "fine, I guess." I looked back down and continued filling out my form. I think I shuddered a little with disgust. The guy just looked creepy. As I was filling out the part of the form that was about how you were referred, I couldn't help but giggled when I read "Court-ordered referral"...that creepy guy was so here because of a court order. Psycho!

I finished my forms and I was just waiting to be taken in and then I hear the guy start to clear his throat again. I can't help but glance up at this guy. I look at him and he was looking at me again and he said, "so what are you here for?" Excuse me? What the fuck! That is so beyond inappropriate; we're at mental health! I couldn't help but say "uhhh none of your business, dude." I said it as polite as possible, apparently I should have been far bitchier because the next thing that came out of his mouth was "I can't imagine this will take that long, what are you doing..." And then, thank fucking god, the lady came out and got me. As I walked away I was sure to give him the dirtiest look I could summon up. I could only assume he was going to ask me what I was doing afterward...not going anywhere near you, douchebag!

First off all, Mental Health is not the place to pick up chicks. Had we been in a coffee shop or something, I would have politely turned him down and pretended to be flattered. But we weren't in a coffee shop, we were at Mental Fucking Health! This kind of brings me to my next point, had we been in a coffee shop and he hit on me he still would have been far too creeptastic looking to even consider. I'm a firm believer that if you look creepy chances are you are creepy. I just couldn't believe it.

And for an update on the mental health front...my psychologist suggested I do a mixture of medication, counseling, and group therapy (group? WTF?) I'm going to be open minded about medication because obviously what I was doing before wasn't working. It's going to take me a little while to get used to the idea of group though. It just weirds me out.

...Mentor my ass

So a little while ago I thought it would be a good idea to volunteer at our youth resource center as a youth mentor. I was excited about it. A lot of the time these youth are emancipated from their parents and lack a lot of basic skills like cooking. I would get to teach them things like cooking and budgeting as well as being a friend to them. The thing is, now that the youth worker has interviewed me and done a background check I'm starting to get nervous. Ha! What kind of mentor would I be...one of those "do as I say not as I do" mentors?

Amanda's possible mentoring quotes:

"Listen, I know you'll want to get drunk and sleep with him but don't do it...and you will do it even though I told you not to so make sure you use a condom. And if you don't use a condom make sure you go to planned parenthood and get the morning after pill. And when you're lying there sick as a dog from the morning after pill don't call me because I can't handle sick people and I especially can't handle vomit"

"Sure I'll buy you smokes"

"Once you start drinking, hand a good friend your cell phone to keep safe. Nothing worse than waking up and having a text msg from a boy you like that says "did you mean dink or drunk?" And then going through sent text msgs and realizing you texted him "why were you being such a dunk tonight?" Stupid T9

"Just because the Katy Perry song is playing doesn't mean you have to kiss girls"

"Rye stays down better than vodka. If it doesn't stay down, rye doesn't hurt as much coming up either. Win-win."

"It doesn't matter how hot the guy is, don't try to impress him by attempting to out drink him. It'll be messy"

"Wash your sheets before you go out for a night of drinking, you never know who'll be sleeping on them later."

This is gonna be interesting. I'm potentially the worst role model ever.

70's Porn Bush!

A few days ago I got out of the shower all nice and squeaky clean. Did a quick dry off (I'm lazy when it comes to drying off. Normally I'm putting on my pants still soaking wet and all the fabric clings and it's weird) and proceeded to put on some fresh pajama pants. Later on as I was sitting on the couch, I noticed that my entire crotch area was basically soaking wet. My first thought, oddly enough, was "did I piss myself?" I mean how else could the crotch of my pants have gotten soaked? This thought was short lived as I quickly realize that one doesn't usually urinate in their pants without noticing. So then the more logical reason came to mind...it's probably due to the fact that I didn't dry off well and I haven't shaved my bush since...the last time I was with G. I'm goin' au naturel right at the moment. So the mass of pubic hair that had absorbed all of my shower water was the cause of my wet crotch. After solving that mystery, I started thinking...

Why the fuck do girls shave their pubic hair into patterns?! Seriously, why? Do they think it's cute? It's not cute, it's creepy. Am I opposed to shaving my cooch? Not if I'm getting action. If I'm getting action, a shaved bush or mostly shaved bush (I don't think the classic landing strip counts as a shape) is polite. Do girls actually shave their pubes into shapes, like lightning bolts? Or is this just something that people talk about but no one actually does (because it's stupid?)

So right now I'm sporting the 70's porn bush. It's fucking empowering (and a little itchy)! I revel at the jungle of pubes peaking out from the sides of my underwear. It's a nice relief from the razor burn and ingrown hairs. I like my bush! Yes, even the hair that grows in my ass crack. You all just got wide eyed and disturbed, didn't you?! Did she actually just say "hair that grows in my ass crack?!"...Yes, yes I did. And ya know what?! Don't even try to deny it; I have proof. A friend of mine once talked to her friend who is a waxer and according to her waxer every girl has hair in their ass crack. Right up to the butthole and sometimes a little further. So there! Add that to the list of things I need to teach my future daughter. 1. Girls poop and fart and shouldn't be embarrassed by it (at least not around their friends.) 2. Masturbation is normal. When girls say that they don't masturbate, they're lying (unless you're Sis who didn't even try to masturbate until she was in her 20's...poor girl.) 3. You will eventually get hair in your butt crack, just know that all girls have this.

"You're still young"

What the fuck does that mean? I'm still young so it doesn't matter that I work at a job I hate? I'm still young so I'm allowed to be single (and consequently miserable)? I mean, it just seems like this is everyone's answer to things that seem to be problems in my life. "Oh, well you're still young. You have your whole life to figure it out." Okay, I'm not denying that I have my whole life to figure my shit out but perhaps, just perhaps, I don't want to take my whole life to figure my shit out.

I just hate that the fact that I'm only 22 means I'm allowed to be miserable, confused, frustrated, and all alone. Hey, guess what? I don't want to be any of those things, and I don't think that the fact that I'm still young should be an excuse to make it okay that I feel these things. I realize that everyone goes through these times of misery and confusion but I'm not that girl. I don't want to be the girl that on the outside has everything together but on the inside is a fucking wreck. I'd rather be the girl that is quite obviously the fucking wreck than a girl that fakes it for everyone else's sake.

So I go to work every day, I go to school, study for tests, volunteer, socialize to some extent but it all feels like it's some sort of facade. Like all I want to do is scream at every one that I'm not fucking okay and I don't want to be part of this fucking bullshit anymore. I'm getting totally cynical too. It's like I automatically assume that everyone else is exactly the same way I am and they're all just faking it and it pisses me off. I'm becoming more drawn to the people that are open about the fact that they don't have their shit together because I feel more comfortable with them.

I'll Squash My Own Spiders, Thank You Very Much

The mood today has been desperately lonely. It was another tough night of sleeping in my gigantic bed all by my lonesome (seriously considering buying a twin mattress). At about 2 am I dragged my pillow and duvet onto my couch as I have done almost every night for last year and a half. Even on the couch last night I tossed and turned...okay and cried a little. I woke up this morning with that lonely mood and then I got so fucking mad. Almost shaking mad. I can't remember the last time I've been this mad (this is a lie, I do remember. It was the day facebook informed me that The Ex was officially relationshipping with the slutbag he cheated on me with.)

I was just so furious. I mean, why the fuck do I need a man? I have 3 high powered vibrators that get the job done lickitysplit! I spent a half an hour putting together my very own patio table. I carry my own garbage down and maneuver the bag over my head and into the bin. This morning I went outside to have a smoke and was disgusted to find my entire patio infested with spiders. GAH!!! I fucking hate spiders. Have they made spider catchers? And if they have, why are they not advertised. I am definitely going to go to some sort of outdoorsy store to check this shit out. If spider catchers haven't been invented, then someone better get on that shit because that's a million dollar invention right there. Anywhoooo since I was unaware of the possibility of spider catchers this morning, I was left to fend for myself. AND I FUCKING DID. I fended for myself. It was me against the spiders. I got on my old chucks and squashed those motherfuckers; they didn't even see it coming.

My whole point here is that I don't need to be taken care of. I can do all this shit on my own. Why do I feel so helpless all the time then? Fuck, it's all about the intimacy and affection isn't it? I know that's what I miss. So now my goal is to find all the awful points of intimacy and affection so I don't miss it anymore. I just can't think of anything awful yet. But I will find something.

And now for something completely different, I got the outline of my half sleeve (which has now turned into a 3/4 sleeve) done. Woohoo! It was awesome, and looks awesome. Having my elbow tattooed hurt like a motherfucker but it's all worth it. At the moment however, I am hating this tattoo. Why you ask? Because my arm is so itchy I actually looked at my serrated bread knife and considered sawing off my arm. I only have a few more days until the itch goes away...of course shortly after the itch goes away, I'll be getting the shading done.

Real Men Don't Give A Fuck!

I was looking at a picture of myself the other day...probably almost two years old. As I looked at it, I saw no difference in my body back then than it is now. Back then I was probably in the 150-160lb range (which is a lot for my 5' frame) and now I am sitting at a relatively healthy 123lbs. But in my eyes, I look exactly the same but since then, I feel differently about myself. This made me start thinking about my relationship with the ex and how when we fooled around, my shirt was always left on. I never made an effort to take it off, he certainly made no effort to take it off for me. He never put his hands anywhere near my stomach. Always skipping from my breasts to my crotch; always avoiding the dreaded tum-tum. I thought I deserved this; I didn't like looking at me completely naked, why would he? After we broke up, I did feel a little better about myself but I still saw fat when I looked in the mirror. I guess it just didn't really matter at that point though.

The night with DB was a lot of firsts for me. He crashed at my house, sharing my bed with me because it was no big deal. I really did not think anything would happen, I was decked out in valor pj pants and an old ratty shirt. I also clutched my teddy bear, Pola, as I normally would. Clearly, if I thought there would be some sexy time, I would have made an effort to wear cute pj's and leave Pola on the floor for the night. So, you can imagine that I was more than a little shocked when a half an hour later, I woke up to the front of his body pressed against my back, hands making there way to my ta-tas. I quickly rolled over to face him. "Are you sure?" I asked. "Ya, are you?" Before I could answer he leaned forward pressing his lips to mine with a strong kiss, filled with the urgency and pressure that I was feeling as well. Quickly stripped of his clothes, he went for mine. Pants, off. He started to pull my shirt over my head and I grabbed hold of the bottom, tugging it back down. He gave me this look, sighed and said "Fuck off...seriously, c'mon now." Shirt, off. It was amazing to me how comfortable I felt with his hands exploring the top part of my body. He didn't skip from the girls right to my unders, his hands moved across my tummy without a grimace or a flinch. Maybe it was all in my mind but my fat (and his major lack of fat that would usually be extremely unattractive to me) didn't bother either of us. But it's not so difficult to feel comfortable when you're already so comfortable with a person and there's no feelings involved. I really did not care what he thought of me.

The same sort of feelings were involved with the others. It just didn't matter to me if they thought I could stand to lose a few pounds...it didn't ever seem to matter to them either. Never was my stomach the focus of the night, but it was never shunned from like with the ex. But then there was G. I can honestly say, I don't remember much of the first night and the next day was more filled with sheer embarrassment of how I may have behaved, drunk as I was, than with concern of what he thought about my body. In the days that followed, I came to a huge realization. When we'd sit or lay together, his hands always rested or caressed my flabby little belly...almost as if he liked it. *GASP* When it was time for the sexy shenanigans to ensue, he took his sweet time caressing the little pooch. WTF?! Never in my life, had I ever thought that not only could a man not care, but actually find it sexy...but he did. I did my very best to put all insecurities aside and allow him to revel in all my belly-glory. And so I've now come to this conclusion, real men just don't give a fuck if you've got some belly fat. They just don't care...and some even like it. From now on, shirt always off!

Super Sigh

I wish I could say I feel better since my overly depressing post a few weeks back...but I don't. I'm getting some help though. I have set up counseling with a Women's Resource Center. I've also been referred to Mental Health to get help with my anxiety/depression. I'm mostly against taking medication but I'm trying really hard to be open to that possibility right now.

I'm trying to stay positive though. It's hard, and there's a part of me that doesn't want to even try to be positive but I think, for the sake of the people I love, I need to at least try to pretend that I'm alright.

I imagine that I won't be blogging much because I actually feel guilty that the last months of my blog have been relatively depressing (it was not the original intent of my blog to be like a journal of my own self pity) and I just can't see anyone wanting to read this anymore. I'll most definitely keep up with blogging anything that I feel is blog worthy but for the most part, I think the posts will be pretty far apart. Bare with me, guys. I promise that one day (soon hopefully) my blog will be more positive and entertaining.

I'll also post tattoo pictures soon! My first sitting is on the 14th (Weeeeee!)

Engaged....pffffft to that

So I found out quite recently that horrible ex is now engaged...to the slutbag that he cheated on me with. Engaged!

I realize the "slutbag" comment sounds like I'm bitter, but in my defense, she's a self proclaimed slut. So really, all I'm doing is giving her the lack of respect she asked for when she told us one time about getting gang-banged at a party. Of course that comment was made before she was sleeping with my then-boyfriend.

I dislike my ex. I even disliked him before we broke up and before I found out that he'd been cheating on me. I'm not pining over him. That being said, I do care about the fact that he's engaged. It's affecting me for some reason.

I'm trying really hard not to be affected by this but I am...fuck, am I ever. The irrational girl side of me is screaming "I couldn't even be good enough for a douchebag like him!"

Maybe my being affected by it has to do with the fact that I've had a major lack of relationships in the past year+ (G doesn't count as a relationship). I think this whole thing has caused a major self esteem implosion. I feel totally inadequate at the moment, like I'll never be good enough for anyone and I'll turn into a crazy cat lady (or at least a crazier cat lady.)

I'm no longer sure how I feel about karma. If karma was real then wouldn't I be the one in a relationship and he'd be the one sitting at home wondering if he's good enough to be with anyone.

Ah Friends...how do we feel about this?

G and my friendship seems to be going well. He came over last night to play some cards and watch a movie. It was good. Oh but the wanting of canoodling is so very strong.

My expectations with this friendship thing is probably too high. I do want to get to know him better but I also am yet to find anything I dislike about him and so my feelings for him tend to just get stronger. He's not the type of guy to hold on to me as a friend for the intent of another drunken hook up (he's not into drunken hook ups and despite our initial one, it was the first "anything" he's had in years) but I am concerned that I'm going to fall fucking head over heels for him and he's not going to tell me when/if his feelings for me change to "just friends" and I'll never get over him. With his ability to communicate his feelings to me, I have to assume he'll let me know if I should ever "write him off." I'm sincerely hoping he will anyways.

He asked me the other day what my biggest regret is...I said I didn't have one, but in all honesty, getting drunk and hooking up with him was my biggest regret to date. I hate that it left us both feeling like we're obligated to be in a relationship; now that we're out of that relationship, I really would like to get to a point where we are comfortable with the idea of giving it a shot but there's this fear now. Had I stayed sober (at least semi-sober) I wouldn't have slept with him; I wouldn't be in the position that I am now. We would have continued to do this awkward flirting and getting more comfortable with each other and just would have seen where it went. My expectations wouldn't be as high as they are now. High expectations = high insecurity levels.

That being said, no more getting shitfaced around him, period. This is me, holding myself accountable for this. If I do get drunk with him, you all have to comment with a "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!" Deal?

He loves me, He loves me not

Sometimes I wonder what is actually wrong with me that I can be so very insecure.

Due to the drunken Friday night which I barely remember and the resulting relationship, I'm so panicked right now. I kind of regret not being able to continue the fun/awkwardness of trying to figure out when he's going to make a move or whatever. I hate that I can't remember our first kiss or even the first time we had sex. But I do like that we've settled into a relationship and it's out in the open.

That being said, I still can only assume I made a total fool of myself and can not, for the life of me, figure out why he'd want to be with the drunk slutty girl. But he seems like he does. He's always has this serious look on his face (the same look that made me once think he was an arrogant douche) and it terrifies me. This look of his has me constantly expecting him to change his mind about everything (because it happened so so fast) and dump me. He'll call me and say "can I stop by for a bit?" and I'll assume it's him needing to stop by to end things. Then he'll stop by and sit me down next to him and ask me about my day. He just wants to spend time with me and I get so hung up in my own insecurities that I'm having trouble appreciating what's in front of me.

Fuck...is there no end to panic and confusion?

And here we go again

This will be my 3rd weekend of staying at home like a hermit. I need to lighten my spirits before I attempt to go out. I really don't want to be that girl that everyone hates because she's always so bummed out.

Truth of the matter is, I'm kind of cheerful today (read crazy due to lack of sleep) and wouldn't be opposed to going out, but I've already made plans to clean, do laundry, eat some Mr. Noodle soup and do some homework. Probably followed by some Gilmore Girls or One Tree Hill.

I haven't attempted to go to bed in 5 days. Can you believe that? 5 FUCKING DAYS! I have slept in this time, but because of my loneliness, I find going to a huge empty bed totally depressing. So at my 10:30 bedtime, I get into some nice pj's and curl up on the couch with the remote control. I drift in and out of sleep while watching tv and eventually get up around 5. Obviously I haven't gotten enough sleep in that time, hence the crazy cheerfulness today. Perhaps, tonight will be the night where I sleep in my bed. I think I'll give it a shot.

Being bored at work today left me going through some old emails. I ended up doing a "Best Of" email between me and SIS...here's some of it for your reading pleasure"

"My neck is way better today, and I'm pretty stoked about my massage. Say that with a British accent, "mass-age." Say it a few times with me...it's a Massage Party! Mass-age. Mass-age. Did you ever watch those British videos in science in high school that talked about aluminum, but they said it, "Aloominyum"? Aloominyum." Says SIS in a fit of sillyness.

And this whole email conversation:

Amanda: I'm drinking a huge cup of gag-worthy coffee right now in hopes of having the wanted effect of, well pooping. Still no go for me.
Ha, just thought you may want to know

SIS: you STILL haven't pooped? Amanda, that's almost a week! Aiee!

Amanda: HaHA! I just went. It was unsatisfying but still a poop!

SIS:yay! speaking of...

i'd hate to go a week. right now i can't go five minutes.

Amanda: uh oh!

"I wish you could hug me too, but I wish your hug was venomous and would kill me, because yes, death is still seeming like a viable option." Says Amanda, I think I was sick with the flu/cold or something

"Any tuna lunch today? "hey, Dan, I brought you a can of tuna. Let's do lunch...tunarifically." No makeouts after that lunch, tho...ugh." Says SIS, I don't really remember what this is about though!

" So I've made my case...rejected by someone who has a habit of "fucking ugly chicks"...truly shameful." Says Amanda in regards to DB before there actually was sex


And there it is...it probably isn't nearly as interesting to you all but I felt like I needed a post with a little substance and not so "I'm so saaaaad" sorta thing.

Enjoy!

Cheering up! Another suggestion...

I've decided to become a hermit. This is mostly due to the fact that this semester at school is going to be hard and I need to concentrate on school for a little while. While I was reading Oedipus, which is quite interesting by the way, I thought to myself "Man this could be way more interesting if it was acted out in play form (as it is a play.)" So, with the audience of my cats, I acted out the entire play of Oedipus in my living room. It was so much fun. I don't think my cats enjoyed it quite as much as I did but that doesn't matter. Does this make me a total nerd? I think it does, but I care not.

So add acting out random plays to my cats, to the list of Cheer Up Methods!

Edit to add: This totally puts me on the list for Crazy Cat Lady doesn't it?

Ode To My Momma!

So, still depressed. Today's cheer up method (see previous post) includes the watching of girly teen drama series. Gilmore Girls all the way! This allowed me to reminisce about when I first started watching this show at about 16 yrs old. I wanted to get knocked up specifically to have the same relationship with my potential daughter that Lorelei has with Rory. All the while chatting it up with the sexy diner owner. Obviously this didn't happen, otherwise this blog would not be about the sexual escapades and drunken shenanigans in my life. The truth is though, I think I have a similar relationship with my mom than the Gilmore gal's. Okay, perhaps we aren't so quick witted or clever and we're both without the amazingly great metabolism but my mom is, without a doubt, my best friend.

I talk to my mom about a lot of things, the only thing I leave out is the sex stuff (she doesn't want to know). If I have a bad day, I call my mom. If I have a good day, I call my mom. If something mediocre-exciting happens, I call my mom. If she needs to vent about work, my brother or anything, she calls me. I trust her and depend on her. She encourages me more than anyone else in my life and I'm grateful for it.

My dad hasn't really been that encouraging or anything like that. I am a lot like my dad though. We have the same weird sense of humor, stubbornness, and temper. We both find the stupidest shit amusing. My dad and I don't really get along that well. Sometimes we do but it's rare. We both have to be in a goofy mood and that's a rare occurrence. But my mom, my mom is always there. We rarely fight and when we do it doesn't last long.

The truth is though, I can't let my mom in on the fact that I'm bummed out right now. She gets really worried about me and I don't want her to worry. I just feel really alone right now. I don't really want to talk to my friends about it. I just want to talk to my mom, I just don't want her to worry.

Anyways, this post is supposed to be all about my mom's amazing awesomeness! She truly is just the best. I'm really lucky to have the mom that I do.

Sometimes Life Confuses Me

I shouldn't be thinking about this, I should just be happy with what's going on, but I can't stop thinking about how all of a sudden I'm perfectly content. I mean a few weeks ago I wasn't just sad, I was fucking depressed. Now, I'm superbly happy. Its scaring me, to be perfectly honest. Will I wake up one Saturday morning to the reality of being alone? Will the depression come back just as suddenly as being content did? I know I shouldn't think about this and just be glad that I'm in a really good place right now but I can't help it.

I'd also like to add how awkward New Year's Eve is going to be. DB and the female version of him (they are officially dating again according to facebook) are going to be there and BFF1 and her love-interest are going to be there. I'm going to feel very 5th wheelish. We'll see how it goes. I will, of course, post the results of the evening.

Ya, I know this was kind of a boring post but I'm bored and not feeling creative today.

Huzzah!

It's been almost two weeks since my last post and I'm still feeling really good about being single. It's insane. Maybe it's because it's New Year's resolution time but I'm so focused on myself right now that the idea of 'man' is just not that enticing.

So...here's my goals for next year:

1. Be Fit! I want to be able to say that I'm fit and active. So my starting out point for this is to go to the gym regularly. By regularly I mean 3-4 times a week. This will increase my current gym time by...well, 3-4 times a week.

2. Be able to run a 10km. So obviously this is going to take some training and isn't going to happen lickitysplit, but I've found a training program and I am going to work hard to do it.

3. Quit smoking. SAY WHAT?! Ya...we're gonna give it a go after New Years. We'll see if this one sticks though.

4. If money isn't an issue (it shouldn't be if I stick with goal 3) join a kickboxing class. And I'm not talking cardio kickboxing, which sounds awesome though, I'm talking full on kick ass kickboxing.

5. Stick to my budget!

I did really well this year with my diet (even though I'm up 4lbs since last weigh in, due to holiday treats) my exercise has been lacking, especially these last few months. So that's what I'm concentrating on. I've also made up a budget for the next year so that I can pay off some school debt and start putting money back into my savings account.

Also, as of January 2nd I'm doing a No Booze challenge (bet) with a friend. So no booze from Jan 2nd - Mar 2nd. I'm really looking forward to this, mostly because it will tame down the drunken one nighters.

WTF Happened?!

What the hell happened between last week and this week? All of a sudden, I'm like, "YAY! I'm single!" Excuse me? Wasn't I whining last week about how I needed someone in my life? Not this week apparently. This week is Amanda Empowerment Week and I'm totally stoked to be single. I just want to make this clear, I'm not stoked about being single just because, if I really wanted to, I could go and fuck every guy I saw, or even flirt with guys. It has nothing to do with guys. I'm more excited about the fact that, in general, my year+ of being single has brought a lot of amazing things in my life.

I've gained a lot of self esteem. No, I'm not talking about me thinking that I'm hot shit and can get any guy I want. I realized, after analyzing every aspect of my past relationship, that I'm not a worthless cunt ('scuse the language) and that I'm worthy of being loved and being treated with respect.

I've had a year of fun. Obviously, I've had some hard times but in general, this last year has been a lot of fun. I've spent time with my girlfriends, made new friends and gone out and done things I couldn't have done when I was with my ex.

I started school! And I've done really really well this first semester.

My life has been so much better and I guess sometimes I forget that. Am I lonely? Yes, I am. I miss affection and intimacy. I miss waking up beside someone. I miss holding hands and having late night discussions. I miss a lot of things that are involved with a relationship. But it doesn't matter anymore. I am able to survive without these things. I will hold out for someone that is worth my time. My happiness shouldn't depend on someone else. And I'm not going to let it anymore.

Waiting

So I took my new pants (size 9 WOOT) to get hemmed today. Just a simple pair of gray straight leg jeans that will go lovely with my chucks. I'm just kinda waiting around for the tailor to call.

Tonight is the Christmas tree lighting in the middle of down town. Okay, here's something that I'm sure people will bitch about but I HATE Christmas before Christmas. "Christmas" time means Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing day. The only Christmas thing I don't mind talking about before then is Christmas presents (what to buy for people etc). But in the middle of November, I don't give a flying fuck about Christmas. I hate Christmas music, I don't decorate a tree, I don't want to put a fucking wreath on my front door.

But I digress, I am going to this stupid tree lighting with some friends because it's TS's birthday and the Tree is right by the pub. I'm hoping that's where everyone'll end up and later I hope to have TS in my bed for some birthday fun. We'll see how it goes. I'm crossing my fingers!

According to one of the blogs I happened to come across, I've broken almost every rule to the Fuck Buddy Rules. Well I don't even know if I can count TS as a fuck buddy. 2 random hook ups does not a fuck buddy make. If this becomes regular (and if I hook up with him tonight, I fully intend on asking him if it's going to be regular) I guess I have to start following the rules. But but but I like cuddling. *sigh*

What a random post.

What the fuck is wrong with me?!

So I'm sitting in class tonight trying to pay attention and all I can think about is sex. Not just "make love" kinda sex, like crazy dirty sex. And the girl that sits beside me said to me with this creepy confused look, "hehe what are you grinning about?" *blush* "nothing, just thinking about something funny that happened today" *blush*

What is wrong with me?! I mean obviously nothing, I know everyone thinks about sex but I was thinking about it in a way that almost made me have to go to the bathroom on our break to take care of myself.

This is a sure sign of the need to get laid. I mean I'm alright without sex for a long period of time, but since I've had sex recently, that's all I can fucking think about. WHY IS THIS SO FUCKING HARD?

I'm crossing my fingers that I run into TS this weekend. Hell, I'd settle for DB or even Blue and his atrocious sex right at the moment. As long as I get laid, I'll be happy.

Random Thoughts

So last night I was watching TV and there was a commercial for the McRib sandwich. Watching that commercial made my stomach turn. It looks like someone put dogshit in a bun.

Also, I have an unrealistic fear of getting lock jaw while giving a blowjob. I wonder if there is a medical/scientific term for this kind of phobia