Let's be totally honest

This is not a post where I want everyone to comment about how I need to give it time, or that I'll eventually find someone or something that changes everything. This isn't meant to be a feel sorry for me post, I just feel as though I need to be honest. I also feel like writing this out might help me figure out what's going on in my head.

I'm in a place where my life isn't where I want it to be. I don't know how to change it. I am not hoping to be happy, I'm just hoping to be content in my life. I don't expect my life to be hunky dory or anything, I just want to be generally content.

I felt like going back to school would at least give me something to work towards which would be satisfying in some way, but really all it has done is brought on a greater sense of depression. As I struggle through school, I consistently think about how this is only my first year and it's just going to get harder and I'm just going to get more stressed out.

I thought that by going out and socializing I would feel better, I would at least be having fun. Fun doesn't make me feel content though. I have fun for one night or whatever and then I go back to feeling shitty.

A friend said to me the other day "I felt the same way, and one day I just felt I can choose to live my life otherwise I might as well just fucking die right now" She chose to live her life, and she's happy (or content because I hate the word happy.) When she told me that, my first thought was "ya, just fucking die right now, that sounds pretty fucking good to me." I told her that if I had to choose...I'd choose the latter.

This isn't a suicide anything. I'm not suicidal, I don't want to kill myself, I just want to go to bed and not wake up. Or, at the very least, go to bed and wake up somewhere else. I just don't feel like there's anything left for me here but I can't bring myself to leave.

So where do I go from here? Do I continue with my mundane life where I get up every morning and go to a job that I don't really like (but it pays my bills, and is flexible with school), only to come home to do homework or simply just go to bed because there's nothing worth staying up for. Where I wake up, alone, and start it all over again? Or do I man up and get the fuck out of here? My concern with leaving is that I'm going to wake up somewhere else feeling exactly the same way I do now and I won't have the support network to save me.

So, I'll sign off now and go to bed, only to begin the same bullshit again tomorrow.