The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

I am:

A computer nerd. I love World of Warcraft. I can play for hours but I don't because I can not afford the $20/month it costs to be on it. I also love The Sims (and am anxiously awaiting the release of The Sims 3.) Sometimes if I play for too long, I start to think in The Sims. For those that play, there are bars at the bottom the show how hungry, tired, happy etc they are. After I've played, and say for example I get up to go to the bathroom, I imagine my "bathroom bar" going back to green. Jeez.

I'm socially awkward. It's why I drink. I don't make friends easily because I have a hard time talking to people.

I keep a budget. I follow a budget. I adjust my budget constantly. I'm obsessed with budgeting. Being in debt scares the shit out of me. I'm having a very difficult time being slightly in debt because of school, even though school is an alright reason to be in debt.

I am severely addicted to reading. I read all sorts of books. My ideal night would involve a nice cup of earl gray tea, a cozy blanket, some good tunes, and a book. I think books are the only thing that keeps me sane. It's like an escape. Even though this is an unfair comparison, I think of it like how a drug addict uses drugs to escape from real life. I escape through books.

I am incredibly unlady like. I burp, fart, and talk about pooping and I'm not ashamed of any of it. I know when it's not the right time to let a loud belch (and trust me, I could win any burping contest, they are loud) and I'm not rude. But sitting with my friends or while at work (I work with all men) I have no problem letting one out. I don't get embarrassed by my farting. And you know how girls quite often feel the need to announce when they have to pee? I will tell you when I have to poo.

I make inappropriate and offensive jokes. I get it from my dad. My favorite joke as a child was "What's more disgusting than 10 dead puppies in a barrel? 1 dead puppy in 10 barrels." They've only gotten more morbid and disturbing as I've grown up. I'm actually a little ashamed of what comes out of my mouth sometimes.

I once said "Fuck the Pope" in front of my Catholic (albeit mostly non-practicing) grandparents. How fucked up is that? I don't really remember the context of it. It must have been something about "the Pope would never approve of that." And "Fuck the Pope" was my response to that comment. It was an accident, I swear.

I've always wanted to be in a fight. I seriously want to punch some girl out. No girl in particular (although right now I can think of at least one girl I'd like to knock out) but I just want to take my aggression out on some snotty mouthed cunt one time, instead of just getting annoyed and walking away.

Since the word has already been said, I might as well add this to the list. I don't find "cunt" to be an offensive word and I usually use it quite regularly.

I can drive manual transmission. I don't ever intend to have an automatic vehicle. I will always drive a standard. Truth be told, it kind of turns me on. I don't know why, there is just something hot about shifting gears. Weird, right?

I'm almost resentful about the people I care about being happy and in love. It's really hard to see everyone I care about being happy with their significant other while I'm all alone. That makes me feel like a bad person.

Untitled.

I walked into the coffee shop early this morning to get my caffeine fix. I walked in and got my tea. I was just about to walk out the door when I ran right into G. I should have known that I couldn't avoid him for the rest of my life (as previously planned) and I should have known that going into this place at 7am would be the one and only time I'd run into him here. He stood there looking sexy as hell (as per usual) and had that slightly serious and quizzical expression on his face. I think I blushed immediately when I saw him. He smiled his quirky half-smile at me and asked how I was. I stammered slightly but managed to get out an "alright, you?" He invited me to sit and have coffee with him. My brain thought "NO! DON'T DO IT!" but my heart had other plans.

Coffee went well. Small talk on what we've been up to these past few months. I asked how his band was, he asked how my finals went. We ended up spending a few hours just talking about everything. He looked at me the way he used to. My heart raced.

Before I knew it, we were back at my house to watch a movie. The movie ended too soon and we were standing in my foyer. He brushed my hair away from my face and pulled me into him for a hug. I automatically felt comfortable. We looked into each others eyes and I knew what was about to happen. He leaned forward towards me and then...

I fucking woke up. There's nothing worse than waking up from an amazing dream realizing it was only (and will only ever be) a dream. Feeling heartbroken and kinda of lame right now.

Yup, it's still me!

So I was playing around with different templates (because that's all I have to do on a Friday night...lame) and obviously I've taken the blog style to something a little more rad and awesome then the boring basic pink.

I added a poll, vote if you like it or not! If there is an overwhelming majority of people that don't like it, I'll change it to something else.

Wasn't expecting this...

I was feeling really kinda lonely the other night and although I'm a little against the whole internet dating thing, I hopped on the Plentyoffish bandwagon for a few moments just to check it out.

So I checked out a few profiles. Number 1, totally my style. Tall (so he claims), dark, scruffy, handsome, tattoos. Good music taste, into outdoorsy things. And yet, somehow not enough. Number 2, a little shorter than I normally like but still acceptable. Music was a little off my taste but nothing I can't handle. Really into tattoos and really into that sexy manly stuff like cars and camping. But apparently not worth my time. This goes on for a few more profiles. Perfectly acceptable, date-worthy boys that I didn't seem interested in.

I started to question whether or not I had the guts to put myself out there on something like this. But then I went back and looked at a few profiles over again and I started picking out things that weren't good enough. I started comparing every profile. I came to the realization, shortly after this that none of these guys were good enough because they weren't G. *sigh* I thought I was over him. Of course I completely pushed him out of my life and I stopped letting myself think about him so how was I supposed to know that I was still in major like with him. FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!

I Fucking Hate Him!!!!

Did I fool you into thinking this was going to be an interesting blog post? It's not. Who do I hate? My massage therapist. I can not remember the last time I cried from physical pain but last thursday, and again today, I cried during my massage.

I thought it would a nice relaxing massage, like when I go to the spa...it's not. It's painful and makes me want to kill myself. Don't even get me started on my massage therapist either. I was a little relieved to see that he wasn't even remotely attractive as I think having a sexy masseuse would just make me self conscious. But then I've got this dorky, unattractive guy that is probably 15 yrs older then me digging his hairy knuckles into my back and trying to make small talk and it drives me fucking mental.

So if you guys see the headlines "Massage Patient Murders Unsuspecting Masseuse" and I disappear from the blog world...you know that this is me.

"You're still young"

What the fuck does that mean? I'm still young so it doesn't matter that I work at a job I hate? I'm still young so I'm allowed to be single (and consequently miserable)? I mean, it just seems like this is everyone's answer to things that seem to be problems in my life. "Oh, well you're still young. You have your whole life to figure it out." Okay, I'm not denying that I have my whole life to figure my shit out but perhaps, just perhaps, I don't want to take my whole life to figure my shit out.

I just hate that the fact that I'm only 22 means I'm allowed to be miserable, confused, frustrated, and all alone. Hey, guess what? I don't want to be any of those things, and I don't think that the fact that I'm still young should be an excuse to make it okay that I feel these things. I realize that everyone goes through these times of misery and confusion but I'm not that girl. I don't want to be the girl that on the outside has everything together but on the inside is a fucking wreck. I'd rather be the girl that is quite obviously the fucking wreck than a girl that fakes it for everyone else's sake.

So I go to work every day, I go to school, study for tests, volunteer, socialize to some extent but it all feels like it's some sort of facade. Like all I want to do is scream at every one that I'm not fucking okay and I don't want to be part of this fucking bullshit anymore. I'm getting totally cynical too. It's like I automatically assume that everyone else is exactly the same way I am and they're all just faking it and it pisses me off. I'm becoming more drawn to the people that are open about the fact that they don't have their shit together because I feel more comfortable with them.

Something Always Comes Up

So I was all stoked to continue working out today and then at work I bent down and stood back up and it was like BAM! All of a sudden my entire back felt like it was on fire. I could hardly move the rest of the day. I ended up leaving work early and hitting up the walk in clinic. Doc says it's a pinched nerve and prescribed weekly massage therapy. WHAT? You mean I get to have a massage every week and it's covered?! Fuck, I'm pinching nerves left and right if it means I get to have tons of massages.

Unfortunately this means I have to 'rest' until I feel better. Which means working out is out of the question. No, I'm not lying, I asked the doctor if I could work out and he laughed in my face and said "not until that burning feeling goes away."

Finally!!!

So remember back at the beginning of the year I made a new year's resolution post? Well here's an update. I've been pretty good with sticking to my budget but everything else has been basically ignored. I have been to the gym twice since the new year. I haven't been doing my training program for the 10km at all. Today I finally started it! Oh it was so nice to actually run. I couldn't run for long periods of time but that's what the training program is for. Now I just gotta keep it up.

I'm teetering on the 120lb line. The day the scale hits 119lb is going to be the most happy day of my life! I do have to say though, my gut is not getting any smaller...I mean how much more weight do I have to lose to not have this belly anymore? I can't possibly lose that much more weight, I mean anything below 110lbs seems way too low even at my height. I just think there is way more than 9lbs of fat in my gut.

Anyways, I fully intend on doing my pilates video tomorrow and then back on the treadmill on Wednesday. This is me, holding myself accountable.

I'll Squash My Own Spiders, Thank You Very Much

The mood today has been desperately lonely. It was another tough night of sleeping in my gigantic bed all by my lonesome (seriously considering buying a twin mattress). At about 2 am I dragged my pillow and duvet onto my couch as I have done almost every night for last year and a half. Even on the couch last night I tossed and turned...okay and cried a little. I woke up this morning with that lonely mood and then I got so fucking mad. Almost shaking mad. I can't remember the last time I've been this mad (this is a lie, I do remember. It was the day facebook informed me that The Ex was officially relationshipping with the slutbag he cheated on me with.)

I was just so furious. I mean, why the fuck do I need a man? I have 3 high powered vibrators that get the job done lickitysplit! I spent a half an hour putting together my very own patio table. I carry my own garbage down and maneuver the bag over my head and into the bin. This morning I went outside to have a smoke and was disgusted to find my entire patio infested with spiders. GAH!!! I fucking hate spiders. Have they made spider catchers? And if they have, why are they not advertised. I am definitely going to go to some sort of outdoorsy store to check this shit out. If spider catchers haven't been invented, then someone better get on that shit because that's a million dollar invention right there. Anywhoooo since I was unaware of the possibility of spider catchers this morning, I was left to fend for myself. AND I FUCKING DID. I fended for myself. It was me against the spiders. I got on my old chucks and squashed those motherfuckers; they didn't even see it coming.

My whole point here is that I don't need to be taken care of. I can do all this shit on my own. Why do I feel so helpless all the time then? Fuck, it's all about the intimacy and affection isn't it? I know that's what I miss. So now my goal is to find all the awful points of intimacy and affection so I don't miss it anymore. I just can't think of anything awful yet. But I will find something.

And now for something completely different, I got the outline of my half sleeve (which has now turned into a 3/4 sleeve) done. Woohoo! It was awesome, and looks awesome. Having my elbow tattooed hurt like a motherfucker but it's all worth it. At the moment however, I am hating this tattoo. Why you ask? Because my arm is so itchy I actually looked at my serrated bread knife and considered sawing off my arm. I only have a few more days until the itch goes away...of course shortly after the itch goes away, I'll be getting the shading done.

Perception and Reality

Sometimes I wonder if people have the same insecurities that I do. Sometimes I wonder if my own insecurities are reality or just my distorted perception of myself.

I think we can all relate to the "fat days" or the "ugly days," but what if those days are more often then the "hot days." That's how it is for me. I question all the time whether my own perception of myself is actually how I am. I'm not going to sit here and say that I'm ugly...but I picture all of my friends and to me they're all gorgeous no matter what weight they're at or what kind of clothes they wear. They're all beautiful in my eyes. I don't feel like I measure up to them at all. And it's not just my friends, there are very few ladies I run across that I don't see the beauty in.

For a long time, I just thought it was my own perception of myself and my own insecurities. But the longer I go without a boyfriend, or even really being hit on I gotta wonder, maybe I am a total dog. Don't give me the bullshit that beauty is on the inside, yah beauty is on the inside but that's not any good if no one is attracted to you. It's easy for me to look past a guy at first because I'm not physically attracted to him. I think I have a bit more maturity than a lot of people my age, where my attraction to someone can change the more I get to know them but there are still guys that I'd never go for. Maybe I'm that girl that most guys would never go for.

So I gotta wonder, what the fuck is physically wrong with me? Am I unattractive?